When you spend the majority of your life thinking you're not good enough to be loved, it's pretty incredible when you find someone who changes your mind.
Throughout my life, I have been rejected again and again by guys. They chose someone over me, or they didn't have any interest what so ever. The guys that I did date ended up hurting me, cheating on me, forgetting about me. A guy once told me "Yeah, you're cool, but....looks are really important to me sooo" insinuating that I was not good looking enough for him. Another told me "I really like you, but I also really like *Sara, and she's really hot so I'm going to see where things go with her. But if they don't work out, I'm willing to try things with you". I was clearly his second choice. I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I've had others promise me that they loved me, that they thought I was beautiful, and suddenly they disappear and begin dating someone else.
I suffered the ultimate betrayal this past March when my boyfriend at the time, whom I was head over heels for, who came to my house every single night making promises and telling me how much he loved me, left me, out of the blue. I thought we were doing just fine- but all it took was one day. He wouldn't answer my calls or texts, and hours later I discovered he had gone back to his ex girlfriend. The guy didn't even have the decency to call me and tell me this himself. I heard it from her.
After years of rejection, you begin to think poorly of yourself, and believe that no one will ever want to be with you. You have it settled in your mind that you will always be a second choice.
Enter Tom.
Actually, re enter Tom.
A lot of people don't know this, or seem to forget, but Tom and I actually dated two years ago. We met online, right before I moved out of my parents house, and dated for a few months. It was fun- we'd go to dinner and the movies and hang out at my new place. But it was never anything big. I broke it off with him in April 2012, but we remained facebook friends.
When I went through that horrible break up in March, Tom reappeared. He picked up on what happened and we began to chat again- as friends. He helped me get through the heartbreak. He would listen to me cry at night and read all the lyrics/poems I had written. He tried to make me laugh. He joined my gym right when I did so that we could go through the weight loss journey together.
Tom asked me to give him a second chance. I was so hesitant. I was scared to be rejected again, and scared that I was settling. So we took our time. We spent the summer with each other. He made me laugh. He made me feel whole again. He made me forget all the nasty feelings that I had. He became my best friend. I told him everything.
On September 22nd, I realized that Tom and I were more than friends. We were at my parents house to feed Seamus before we went to the movies. My parents were out of town that day and I was on Seamus duty. I had been telling Tom that my parents front yard was a mess and that it needed soil. I went upstairs to shower and when I looked outside, Tom was working on the yard so that my dad would not need to worry about it (at that point, my dad had suffered the seizures, but we didn't have a diagnosis). I smiled watching him work so hard to make things easier for me and for my family. We went to the movies- he took me to see Wizard of Oz in 3D, my all time favorite movie. It was one of the happiest days of my life. It was simple, but happy. We became "official" that day, but in reality, we had been together since the day he reappeared into my life.
I cannot imagine my life without Tom. We don't text all day long and sometimes when we're hanging out we don't even talk. We just sit and be. But then there are the nights we fire questions back and forth at each other, giggling. He is the sweetest guy I have ever known. Just this morning, he brought me breakfast from Coney and shoveled the driveway. He's always wanting to do little things for me. But the most important is that he's there. He will listen to me. He goes to Church with me. He asks me to rate my day. He's nerdy and goofy and always looks a little sad when we say goodbye. He gives tight hugs and asks about my family.
Why am I writing a blog about this? Because I have some friends who are single, and maybe feel like I once did- that no one will ever come around. But someone will. You will find your person. Maybe it's even a person you already know- mine is. Don't be afraid to let someone in who may just be the person who helps you let all your fears out. That's who Tom is for me.
Oh, and for all your other jerks who treated me like garbage: Thank you. You did me a favor, because that rocky road led me to Tom. Also, he thinks I'm beautiful.
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| Tom and I on September 22nd :) |
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