Thursday, May 3, 2018

Some grief truth bombs

I feel like I need to address something. This maybe should be one of those things that I keep private but I just worked 14 hours, I’m feeling tired and spunky. So forgive me for how this may come across.

I don’t have kids. And I know the responsibilities, worries, schedules, etc that come with having kids are incredibly tricky to manage. I can’t pretend to say I understand, or that I know all about it, or that what I’m going through compares to life with kids because frankly, I won’t know until I do have kids.  And also, my friends with kids are my heroes. I look up to them so much, because I know they are giving their all to those little humans.

But here’s the thing. I may not have kids, but I have an incredibly busy, demanding, and emotional draining schedule right now that leaves little “free time”. My one hour st the gym is usually my only hour dedicate solely to my own thoughts. Otherwise, I’m either working, getting errands done, or helping my mom. I am not complaining about helping her. Truthfully I love spending time with her and when we finish doing her laundry and cleaning her dishes I love to just sit with her. She’s one of the best things in my life right now and I love how our relationship is growing.

But, all that being said, I am balancing a very busy job, helping my mom, taking care of my own house, being a newlywed, and oh yeah- grieving the loss of my favorite person on this planet. I feel like I am walking up a mountain with a backpack full of the heaviest rocks you can imagine. All I can possibly do is take one tiny step forward and try to hold on so I don’t fall back. 

The loss of my dad is something I think about every single day. I want to call him to talk to him about all that’s going on in my life. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear a dumb dad joke. I want him back, with us, where he belongs. But he’s not here and I have to accept that, and get through that, every day. Sometimes I wonder if people think that because we knew my dad was so sick and because at the end we were praying for him to let go and make it to Heaven that maybe his death isn’t as tough. No. That’s not how it works. He’s still gone, and truly nothing could have prepared me for that feeling. And yes, I was praying for his suffering to be over. But thinking of that makes me feel guilty, and angry at myself, which just adds to the grief. So yeah, I’m still really sad. 

Something that I am not sure other people think about is that all of this happened just weeks after tom and I got married. Our “newlywed” phase has been one that meant I was away for days at a time to help my parents, and when I was home I was in bed, in a dark room, trying to find a little peace. Once my dad passed away, it wasn’t exactly like I could just jump in and say “okay, that’s done, time to get back to married life!”. Nope. It’s been really, really hard. I feel we’ve been a little cheated in the newlywed department. So when you ask me when we’re having kids, I get defensive. Let us live. We need like a minute or two, Please.

I don’t know what the future holds for Tom and I but I know I picked an amazing partner to walk through life with. He’s been so understanding and supportive of my family and of the person I am. I know my dad loved him too, and that brings me great pride. 

Please know that I get that everyone is going through hard things. I want to thank my coworkers who listen to me talk about my dad and tell the same stories over and over. This grief thing can be very isolating, but you all make me feel a little less alone.

I’m going to end this now, pray that I didn’t upset anyone with my honesty, and crawl into bed.