Monday, November 12, 2018

It will all be okay...right?

We had our first snow on Friday morning. I was a little anxious about driving in it. I know my brakes a probably do for a change. But I had a 7 am meeting with a hospital that I don't physically get to very often. I was worried about calling into the meeting again, so I woke up extra early to make it to the meeting in person. I had decided that I would for sure get my brakes checked out later.

I was driving along, in the pitch black, along side roads because most of the freeway is under construction when all of the sudden I hit the biggest pothole I have ever felt in my life. My entire car bounced up and down, and the impact made me gasp. I started to shake, worried about what my tire looked like, but I was in a rough neighborhood and it was pitch black outside. There was no way I was going to stop. So I kept going, praying that I would make it to the hospital. I did, and when I walked into my meeting, they were all shocked that I had come in person. "You should have just called in!"

And there it was. Validation that my gut feeling of calling in was correct. Instead, I had risked my safety. All because I was worried about what other people might think. How often do we do this? How often do we focus so much on what other people think of us that we don't pay enough attention to our own feelings? For me, this is a regular occurrence.

And now? It seems my car suffered more damage than just getting the tires blown out. It's in the shop now, they won't get to it for a few days, but they are checking my brakes as well as what else could be wrong. And I'm standing back, anxious for what the bill will look like. Because I had just started to figure out how much I could continue to save for our house between now and May, and this may take a serious detour in our plan. I really don't want to dip into our savings to fix my car. I'm looking into whether my insurance will cover some of the damage. In the meantime, I'm not going to lie, I'm worried and distracted.

The rational side of my brain is trying to tell myself that no matter what, it' going to be okay. Having a reliable, safe car is just as important, especially in the winter. That even if this takes away some of our savings, we can build back up. But the anxious, worst case scenario side of my brain is trying to tell me that we will never be able to buy that house. That things will keep happening to prevent it.

There I was, going along the road just fine, when something steered me another way. Just like how, a few months back, Tom lost his job and I had the same panic.

What should that tell me? That it worked out before, it will work out now.

I just have to convince myself that it's true.

It's not true that there's always a happy ending. We don't always get what we want, or what we dream of. But it's not always about that end result. It's about the experience along the way, the way you treat people who come in your path, and how hard you work to push past those walls that try to stop you. You may not get where you thought or where you wanted to be, but wherever you end up is just as good. You will learn and love along the way, and you will be able to teach others when they, too, hit the detour.

Now, if someone wants to give me my own advice and say these words back to me, maybe I'll believe it.

Megan, this is your reminder, that it will be okay.

Not to spoil the ending for you, but everything├ó€™s going to be alright. When you need a little hope to light your way, repeat this affirmation. Trust that everything will be okay in the end, and that if it's not okay, it's not the end.