Sunday, May 14, 2017

Carry You

I am not going to go into the whole long story about what is happening with my dad, because I assume if you are reading this you already know.

The short story: My dad's cancer has spread to his spinal fluid. This is a very serious diagnosis. Tomorrow he is having surgery to put a shunt in his brain, and from there he will get chemo through that shunt directly to the spinal fluid.

How did this happen?

My animated answer is that cancer is a bitch. (Excuse the language). You just never know what cancer will do.

The (sort of) scientific/medical answer is that cancer cells can go rogue, nearly impossible to detect, and they spread to other parts of the body. After 4 years of surviving Stage 4 Lung Cancer with Brain Metastasis, my dad's cancer cells have decided that the spinal fluid seems like a fun place to live. So they broke off from the brain and traveled to the fluid.

Like I said, cancer is a bitch.

A lot of people are asking how we are feeling, how we are doing, what we need. I'm going to try to answer these questions as best I can, right now in this moment. Be warned, this is me unloading my stream of consciousness. Also, I speak only for myself, not for other members of my family.

I'm tired. More tired than I can ever remember being before. Before Tom and I left the house this morning I asked him "Why am I so tired". He just sweetly said "Babe, you're stressed". Right. Duh. I'm stressed. That explains the tiredness, the headache, the craving for carbs and sweets. I'm scared. I'm afraid to see people who I'm close to because I think I might just sob. I don't always know what to say so I make awkward conversation. I'm hopeful but not too hopeful. I'm trying to be strong, but I have moments where I break down, and then I feel guilty because everyone just keeps telling me to be strong and to think positive. I want to spend every minute at the hospital and yet when I get there I just want it to all go away and go back to "normal". But, despite all of this, I am ready. I am ready to keep going. I am ready to fight alongside my dad. I am ready to take on each challenge. I am ready for the breakdowns that will come.

My sister said it best when she told a friend of ours "we are prepared for the worst but hoping for the best". From here on, that is my mantra.

We are not a family that gives up and you will not see us quit no matter what is thrown our way. We may stumble, we may take a time out, we may wonder how we will keep going, but we WILL keep going. For each other.

I love you all, I appreciate the prayers and well wishes and acts of kindness more than you know.