Thursday, January 28, 2010

mon coeur est cassé

Well, today...kind of sucked. I realize I just sounded like a 13 year old kid but to be completely honest, that's how I feel right a kid who got their lunch money stolen or in a fight with a friend.

I'll start with the negatives and end with positive because despite everything, I always try to find a little sunshine.

-My heart is broken. I don't want to talk about it, unless your name is Samantha Hollingsworth, because frankly no one else could even begin to understand. So please don't ask me. Just know that I'm in a very sensitive state of mind right now.
-Two of my kids are leaving. Two of my kids that I worked hard for...darn hard. In the beginning of the year, I had three girls that I was working with every single day....on their attitudes, mainly, and their relationships with other people. One, perhaps one that I was the closest too, left in November. One left yesterday (her mom pulled her out. She was beginning to change.)...and one left today (she was going to be asked to leave). I couldn't help but cry. I worked SO HARD for these three, and now they are all gone. I will never know if anything I said to them or showed them even went through. I know I shouldn't feel at fault, but it just really sucks. I'm going to miss the two that have left most recently a lot...they were such a big part of my experience. In my separate journal I write in, their names are in almost every entry....and now it's like they don't exist.
-There are a few more kids leaving. It's necessary because of grades and behavior, but hurts because I've gotten so close to them. One of my boys is possibly going, one that makes my day every single day because he makes up these raps and songs about me.

-Last week I told you about a girl who was leaving because her mom was pulling her out, even though she was one of our best students. Well, she's back. I screamed when I saw her. Her mom decided to let her finish out the year. I was very happy to see her and got her started on a creative writing project.
-One of my close students wrote in a paper "this school is a
God-sent and I wish the rest of my classmates would realize that." Oh sweetie. ME TOO. Some of these kids just don't get that they are so much better off here.
-I love my kids. They can always make me feel better, without even knowing I'm upset. I got a few drawing's today, and they just make me laugh with the funny things they me "Hey everyone I have an announcement". Student "IS YOU GETTING MARRIED?" So funny that was the FIRST thing she thought of.
-I heard my grandma's song on the radio today. I NEVER hear it. It's "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed. It came on as everything negative from the day was sinking in...and it was just a sign that she's here with me.

I'm going to leave you all with this song...I have a million songs that describe how I feel right now but Spill Canvas is my go to music when something happens.

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