Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I Got It Under Control.

Ellie Goulding released a newish album today, Halcyon Days. The album has cuts from her previous album Halyon as well as a few new songs. One of those songs is called Under Control.

I was listening to the album at work today while powering through audits and e-mails, and when that song kicked in I stopped what I was doing to listen. It's not that it's a deeply emotional song or anything, but it does hit home for me. The simple words "I got it under control" are vital to my every day life.

Because sometimes, I don't feel like I have it under control. And when I do, it's like I'm on top of the world.

"It", of course, is referring to my sweet friend anxiety. This is a topic I write about a lot on this blog, mostly because it's something I know quite well and encounter nearly every day. Some days are worse than others. Some days I go by without feelings any anxiety. Other days I have a moment or two of panic and then get over it rather quickly.

Let me give you an example. Today I had a moment of panic about money. Christine's bachelorette party is this weekend and we're heading out of town. My bank account is not exactly at it's highest, but not at it's lowest either. Suddenly, I had a mini anxiety attack about whether or not I'd have enough money for the weekend AND be able to eat next week before I get paid next Friday. I will be fine, as long as nothing major happens (which is always a possibility), but I had it in my head for a minute that it wouldn't be okay, that I'd have to sell plasma or try to find a babysitting job for the next few nights to help get some cash in my pocket. No. I don't need to. I will be fine, so long as my car does not break down (which, again, is always a very large possibility, so I better knock on wood) and as long as I am careful about my spending. But in those few moments, it was like someone just told me the world was ending. I freaked. I had to walk outside, I was sweating and my eye was twitching, I checked my online bank account at least 30 times to make sure.

Another example- last week my boss came out of her office and said my name. I was already in the hallway so I met her halfway. She had this look of confusion/horror on her face. I asked her what was going on and she said "I just got a letter from (Insert our CEO's name here". She paused. In her 2 second pause, my body temperature rose about 100 degrees and my hands started shaking. In my warped little anxious head, she was going to say "and you're fired" next. That wasn't it AT ALL, but my mind immediately triggered bad news.

Things like that happen probably once a week. I am getting better. I can usually talk myself down after a few minutes. I know what I need to do to calm down, and I have gained some wisdom over the years in how to armor myself with what I need.

So for me to say "I got it under control" is a huge, freaking deal. It's a good day if I can say that. Heck, it's a good HOUR if I can say that.  So this new song from Ellie is going to become my mantra, so that I can remind myself that I got it under control. That I, like the song says, am breathing again.

The other interesting part of this song is that Ellie says "your love was never the missing key". She is right. In my last relationship, I sort of gave him the responsibility of taking my anxiety away- that if we broke up or I "lost him", I'd also lose a part of myself, and that he was the one that was holding me up. Wrong. I will not lie, my anxiety got worse when we broke up, but Ellie's words are correct. He was not the missing key. I am the only person who can control my life and my journey. No one else. I am the one who has it under control.

So thank you, Little Miss Ellie, for releasing a powerful song.

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