Back to Church

I went to Church tonight. I also went to Church last week. Why is this blog post worthy? Because I honestly cannot remember the last time I went to Church two weeks in a row.

I got out of the habit of making Church a priority a few years ago, when I stopped leading the youth group at the church (And to be honest, even then, I didn't always go to Mass- I just showed up in time for youth group). There are a few reasons that I stepped away from Church. Some of those, I will share here.

1. I don't 100% agree with what the Church teaches. I know I am not alone in this. And I know it doesn't always matter. But I was stubborn, and felt like I couldn't sit there through Mass in anxious anticipation that there would be a topic brought up where I take an opposite stance. What would I do? Walk out? Sit silently? I wasn't sure, so I just didn't go.

2. Going along with number 1, I started to feel like maybe I wasn't welcome in the Church because of my beliefs. I started to feel like a bit of an outsider. And no one likes to be an outsider.

3. I got lazy. Yep, I'll admit it. I started to choose couch and Netflix time over going to Church. Or my weekends would be busy with family time and Tom time and I chose to "Recharge" in the times that I could have been going to Church.

So here's the thing- I don't believe I am a bad person, or a bad Catholic, because I've missed so much Church. I have an incredibly strong relationship with God. I talk to God quite a bit. I'm a good person. I find my faith through ministry, love, and community with the Sisters and Associates of Mercy. My "Faith bucket" is filled in other ways besides going to Church.

But- I find a strong desire to go back to Church. I'm not really sure where it came from. Maybe that I am getting married soon and starting to think about raising a family in the Church. Or maybe it's just something I want to do for me. Either way, I'm happy to be back.

Tonight, a member of the Church shared why St. Hugo is important to him. He talked about how some of the most important moments of his life have happened at that alter. I could totally relate. I, too, received my Baptism, First Communion, and Reconciliation at that Church. I am going to get married in that Church. My Godson, my nephew, and my niece were baptized in that church. I have attended some of the most heart breaking, yet comforting, funerals in that church. There was a prayer service for my dad, when he was first diagnosed, held in that church. And, for most of my life, my mom has taught at the school right next to that church.

That's what's bringing me back. I can talk to God (And I do) anywhere. What I need, and what St Hugo gives me, is that comfort, security, and community.

Tonight when I sat down, I prayed to have something speak to me. I quickly got distracted, watching people fill the pews and letting my mind wander. But a voice kept telling me "Shut out the distractions, and focus on you". That's what I did (or tried to do) for the rest of Mass. And the message that kept coming back to me, loudly and clearly, was "you do belong here".

Will I make it every weekend? Probably not (I'm being realistic). But will I try a little harder? Yes.

I know that there are plenty of others who have felt the same way I do. and I know it can be hard to go back into a place you haven't visited in a while. But trust me, the walls will not collapse on you. No one is judging you for how long you have been absent (And in reality, they probably have no idea). So if you're feeling in your heart to go back, just go. You never know what might be waiting for you.

With all of that being said, I totally, 100% support that some people get their own "church" through nature, yoga, family, etc. In fact, I often have my best conversations with God when I am on a run. So while I personally am feeling a desire to go back to Church and be with the community that has been such a big part of my life, I know it is not for everyone- and I think that is okay.

Five Years

I am a different person than I was five years ago.

Heck, I'm a different person than I was a week ago.

One of the many gifts of life is that we are able to evolve, to grow, to create new experiences and memories. To take chances. To live.

Five years ago, a dear friend of mine had these gifts taken from her when her life was taken from her. We don't know how her life may have flourished over the last five years. I imagine she would still be teaching, enriching hundreds of lives. I imagine she would be the biggest cheerleader of her three children, watching them excel in their sports and academics. She would be strong in her faith. She would be a shining light. She would be all of these things and more.

I've spent countless moments over the last five years thinking about Susan and her gentle, sweet soul. I've tried to piece things together, and I've tried to find peace. I take great comfort in knowing her children are healthy and happy. But I still-quite deeply- feel her loss.

I recently have been wrestling with fear. There are a few things consuming my mind that keep me worried and anxious, and I haven't been sleeping very well. Today, I came across these words

"The honest truth is that we are really only meant to carry one day's worth of worry around with us...we know it's tempting to let your mind wander down the dark "what ifs"...but you've got to try with all you've got to shut those thoughts down. Be present in the moment and try not to let fear be your operator. Fear is a punk and will try and steal your joy from the present moment. The more you can focus on the today and the here and now the more your heart and mind is forced to be and stay present."- Jill and Kate

I couldn't help but think of Susan as I read these words. She was one of the bravest people I ever knew, but she lived her life with such passion and meaning. I have always said that I strive to be like her, and I know that those words were meant to find me today. I know that she would want me to set my fear aside and to live my life passionately. So to honor her, and to be the best me I can be, I will try my hardest. It is NOT easy, I know that, but hopefully with grace, and practice, I can do it.

As the years go by, I find it more challenging to write about Susan, to honor her in a way I feel gives her any sort of justice. But should their come a day I cannot find those words, there will never be a time I do not have her on my heart. She left an everlasting impact on me, even in the short time we knew one another. She continues to radiate light- I can feel it.

Self, and anyone else reading this, let's not live our lives in fear. It's too short for that. Let's embrace the changes, cling to the ones close to us, share our feelings, and be loud with our love. Susan would have. In many ways, she still does.

Shine A Light On Me

I spent the first 24 years of my life thinking that murder was something that happened to the outside world. It was something I heard about on the news or on Law and Order.  I never thought that it could happen within my world, in my hometown, in my St. Hugo Community. I never thought I would lose a friend to murder.

But in January 2012, I did. I lost a dear friend because she was killed. Perhaps it seems taboo for me to talk about, maybe telling people that I had a friend that died would be sufficient. But what good does that do, really? I choose to tell the truth, no matter how painful, shocking, or scary it may be.

Our St. Hugo Community was no stranger to loss. We had lost people before, all of whom were far too young. We'd lost people to cancer, heart attacks, accidents, and suicide. But never this. And it shook our entire world upside down. In the next few months to follow, we were woven together as tightly as we could possibly be. We held onto each other for support, to share tears, to vent our misunderstanding and our frustrations, to pray. It was really quite beautiful, how we became this stronger community through such a tragedy.

Now it's four years later. And while I can't speak for everyone, I know that many of us still feel the pain of that loss.  A lot can change in four years, and a lot has changed. We've all grown up, in our own ways. We've had other celebrations and other losses. Some of us have moved away.

But the very beautiful thing about this community, and perhaps because of this tragedy, is we can always come back home. My biggest connector is my mom, as she is still a teacher at the school. Through her, and her past students and the parents of those students, I'm able to have a world of loving, compassionate, dependable people right at my fingertips. In any moment of need, I know that all I have to do is reach out, and someone will step in...or at least try. I am forever grateful for my mom for this connection. I may not be as active in the church as I once was, but I know that I can walk in on any given Sunday and feel the love. I know that it will always feel like home. 

Susan was a very bright light in that home. And while I will never again see her smile or be able to have a cup of coffee with her, her light still shines. Every single person that knew her carries a little piece of her with them. She was such an influential, strong, beautiful person. I have no doubts that each of us who knew her strive to be just a little bit more like her.

To Susan, I miss you and sure wish we could talk in person. Your legacy lives on through your beautiful children and through each person who met you. May your heaven be full of coffee, shamrocks, the French language and hugs.

To everyone in the St. Hugo Community, my hope for you is that you always see the beauty, the grace, and the love that grows in abundance- and not just in the halls of the Church or the school. You don't have to be present on campus every day or even every week or month to know it's there. You can always go back home, even if it's just for a visit . I also hope for peace and protection for you and your families, and for gratitude for being such a huge part of my life, but more importantly in my mom's life.

Christmas Spirit

Last year I wrote a post about how I was having a terrible time getting in the Christmas spirit.

This year, I'm like an elf on crack. I can't stop talking about Christmas or looking at Christmas stuff. I bought all my gifts and have started on the homemade ones. I already want to wrap my presents and put them under the tree. I can't wait to hand them out. My office has adopted a family and I've created flyers about it to post in the office. I'm planning on writing out my Christmas cards this evening while Sam and I watch a Christmas movie. And ladies and gents, as we speak, I am watching a holiday cooking show and TAKING NOTES. I don't even watch the cooking channel! Like ever! Next thing you know I'll be rolling around in Christmas lights singing Mariah Carey. 

I can't be tamed, and I don't know what has gotten into me. I usually refer to myself as Scrooge. Not this year, Charles Dickens! I'm a regular Tiny Tim! 

I have been sitting here trying to figure out exactly what the difference is. I think it's pretty simple: I'm happy. And no, it not all because of Tom/being in a relationship. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it, but I was dating someone during the holidays last year as well. Tom is 100000 times better, but I still don't think he gets all the credit ;) (no offense, dear).

This year - heck- these last few months have taught me how truly special our relationships with others are and that we should cherish them. With that in mind, I want to truly bring out the holiday spirit in everyone around me, and try to make people smile. I really can't afford many gifts, and am only buying for a few people, but I am going to spread as much holiday cheer as possible, and make a conscious effort to make the people around me feel loved. 

The priest at Mass today talked about preparing for Jesus, focusing on advent and letting ourselves fully emerge in the true spirit of the holiday. I found myself smiling. I want that. The presents and cards I mentioned above are exciting, but even more exciting is celebrating Jesus! I am taking the priests suggestion and reading the daily readings from now until Christmas. Perhaps I'll learn some things along the way.

Happy Christmas/Advent Spirit, every one! 

Retreat reflection

I love retreats. I almost wish I could go on one every single weekend, but I also know if I did that, they wouldn't be as special as they really are. But I try to go on at least two retreats a year. 

This one was a silent retreat at St. Mary's in Oxford. I will say , though, even though it was silent, there were several points of discussion. Which I very much appreciated because it allowed for connections to be made and to see other perspectives. 

Since I'm not sure where to begin, I am just going to list the main points that hit home for me. I hope they resignate with you as well.

From session 1, Friday evening

God says to us "know who you are. Do not limit yourself." The Gospel call us to continue growing. God does not call us I be perfect, He calls us to be the best person that we can be.

We sometimes use the words "I'm only human" to describe something negative. Ie "yes, I gossip. I'm only human." What if we used being human in a positive light?

If we appreciated the uniqueness in ourselves, maybe we'd see each other differently.

From Session 2, Saturday morning  

Who is God to us? What we think about God influences how we treat others. God is always going to be bigger than the image we give, because God is more than we can ever imagine. 

At this point in the discussion, we did an excerise which challenged us to list a verb for every letter of the alphabet. We did not know why until we were done. Then, we were told to look at our verbs and see if they describe things God does.

What I and others learned is that they a fit-becAuse God does everything. Even jokes, which wAs my verb for J.

My favorite was "d". Because my verb was "dares". From there, I wrote this:

God dares me to be...

The best that I can be.

Open and willing to experiences, to love, and to listen to Him.

Trusting in His plan.

A leader in faith.

A follower of His teaching.

Grateful for what He has given me.

Honest with Him

Loving and gentle to all who surround me.

God dares me to be me, because He loves me.

Session 3, Saturday afternoon

Be awake to new experiences of God. If we aren't, we might miss Him.

Each person we meet is a face of God.

We then picked our favorite image of God. Mine is Protector. we were then challenged to reflect on if our image of God also describes ourself. Am I a protector? I think so. I hope so.

The only thing God is asking us to do is to love. He loves us more than we can ever possibly imagine. 

The question was posed "when was a time you felt God's love for you?". My answer: when Ryan was born. 

Session 4: Saturday evening 

We are all so connected to one another. Spirituality is the art of making connections. Having another person present to our pain doubles our capacity to endure it.

Our challenge is to not leave anyone behind. We're connected to people even if we don't know them. 

Those close to us are our "believing mirrors". They reflect back to us our highest potential. 

Session 5: Sunday Morning

We are called to be the healing of the world, the parts of the world that we touch. Hope compels us to action.

We are called to keep looking at our world: is there anything I'm missing, are there new opportunities to help make things better? We do not need to do extraordinary things. They can be small random acts of kindness. 

Gospel calls us to take each other in. Are there others we need to take in?

We receive the body of Christ to be the Body of Christ.

Thoughts in between sessions

The most incredible thing happened to me on Saturday morning. I woke up and went for a walk. Feeling a little lost and unsure of my worth, I asked my grandma to show me a sign that she was here. In that moment, I heard something next to me. I turned, and there was a deer next to me, just a few trees between us. Chills went through my spine. The deer ran away quickly and I kept walking.

I took a different turn and suddenly, two deer appeared. A male and a female. It was in an open area. They stared at me for quite some time. Tears ran down my face and I felt an overwhelming sense of calm and comfort. I snapped a picture. 

Just after I took this, the female (on the far left) got much closer. She was staring at me and all I could hear in my mind was "it's okay". After about 5 minutes the deer ran off.

Later that afternoon, I went on a second walk. Now, I know some will call me crazy, but when I am walking in silence is when I am most in tune with God. I hear the things He wants to tell me. And no, it's not an actual voice. Rather, I get thoughts. And I know He puts them there. 

So on this walk my thoughts were going craZy. And hear is some of what I heard 

God will not always appear in big, cliche, magical ways. He is always There. I don't need to look for the big signs. He is in everyone. He is the gentle hand pushing me along the path. I don't always feel the hand, and I certainly don't see it, but it's there. 

As these thoughts came I stopped for a moment and questioned God, and whether or not I was worthy. At that exact moment, a leaf flew and hit me in the face. Perhaps God wAs trying to tell me to shush. 

I do struggle with these things sometimes. I wonder if it's all in my imagination. If it was just a coincidence that there were two deer outside when I was. If my thoughts are not God but that they are the things I want to hear so I make them up. 

Or, are these actually God moments. God revealing himself to me. 

It's an internal struggle I have. I don't think anyone can give me a concrete answer because one of the amazing things about God is we don't know what He is up to. But he's always up to something. 

I walked again this morning. I told God and my grandma that they didn't have to appear to me today. That they should go embrace my mom. Have her feel that comfort that I felt. Half joking, I stopped and asked "hey wait- why do I always feel grandmas presence? Why doesn't grandpa come see me?". Immediately, I got this back 

Because he is with your brother.

Makes sense to me. So I asked who was with my sister and I did not get a specific person just a reminder that there are several others watching over my family.

I know to some of you these thoughts I have sound crazy and that's okay. My chats with God would sound crazy to me to if I wasn't me. 

The last thing id like to share is this: the retreat truly helped me to see the goodness in my life. The good things God does, the good people, the good that I am. It also helped me to realize that my cares and concerns will be handled.

I hope you got something out of the rambling I posted. Remember to see the goodness in yourselves and be looking for someone else to take in.