Five Years

I am a different person than I was five years ago.

Heck, I'm a different person than I was a week ago.

One of the many gifts of life is that we are able to evolve, to grow, to create new experiences and memories. To take chances. To live.

Five years ago, a dear friend of mine had these gifts taken from her when her life was taken from her. We don't know how her life may have flourished over the last five years. I imagine she would still be teaching, enriching hundreds of lives. I imagine she would be the biggest cheerleader of her three children, watching them excel in their sports and academics. She would be strong in her faith. She would be a shining light. She would be all of these things and more.

I've spent countless moments over the last five years thinking about Susan and her gentle, sweet soul. I've tried to piece things together, and I've tried to find peace. I take great comfort in knowing her children are healthy and happy. But I still-quite deeply- feel her loss.

I recently have been wrestling with fear. There are a few things consuming my mind that keep me worried and anxious, and I haven't been sleeping very well. Today, I came across these words

"The honest truth is that we are really only meant to carry one day's worth of worry around with us...we know it's tempting to let your mind wander down the dark "what ifs"...but you've got to try with all you've got to shut those thoughts down. Be present in the moment and try not to let fear be your operator. Fear is a punk and will try and steal your joy from the present moment. The more you can focus on the today and the here and now the more your heart and mind is forced to be and stay present."- Jill and Kate

I couldn't help but think of Susan as I read these words. She was one of the bravest people I ever knew, but she lived her life with such passion and meaning. I have always said that I strive to be like her, and I know that those words were meant to find me today. I know that she would want me to set my fear aside and to live my life passionately. So to honor her, and to be the best me I can be, I will try my hardest. It is NOT easy, I know that, but hopefully with grace, and practice, I can do it.

As the years go by, I find it more challenging to write about Susan, to honor her in a way I feel gives her any sort of justice. But should their come a day I cannot find those words, there will never be a time I do not have her on my heart. She left an everlasting impact on me, even in the short time we knew one another. She continues to radiate light- I can feel it.

Self, and anyone else reading this, let's not live our lives in fear. It's too short for that. Let's embrace the changes, cling to the ones close to us, share our feelings, and be loud with our love. Susan would have. In many ways, she still does.

Face the Fears

It's the time of year for spooky stories, haunted houses and scary movies. We pretend to hate it, but that creepy feeling that comes when you are truly scared is one that we continue to seek out- just because. We like to jump out at our friends, put fake spiders in our sister's beds, and prank call our parents. We PAY to be scared.

But what about our real, deeper fears? I certainly don't pay someone to throw me in the middle of a large crowd and to not be able to get out. I wouldn't stand in line to stand in front of a crowd of people and allow them to judge me.

Our fear goes way beyond zombies and ghosts. It even goes beyond clowns, one of my top fears. It is so much deeper. But we don't address those fears. We don't purposely put ourselves in situations where those deeper fears will be right in front of us.

But maybe we should.

Because maybe then we would see that, just like the haunted houses, they aren't that bad. That we can get through it- even if we close our eyes a little along the way. We would see that eventually, there is a way out.

Most of us don't openly share our deepest fears. Maybe we find them silly or we're afraid someone else will find them silly. But the reality is, most of us fear many of the same things. We're all just humans, trying to survive.

A haunted house that truly depicted my deepest fears would include people from my past that I am afraid to confront, small spaces with large amounts of people, phone calls that I know I have to make, and being the center of attention...amongst other things. Would I want to go through that haunted house? Hell no. But maybe I should. Just to say that I did. Just to give me the confidence to do it again. Just to know- there is nothing to be afraid of.

Let's try it. Let's try to go face to face with our real fears. I think something magical might happen if we do. I'll be cheering you on along the way, because I know that you can do this. And I know you'll do it again.

Kickboxing

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me to join her at a kickboxing class at her gym. I was very hesitant. I couldn't really figure out why. I'm a little afraid of being judged in classes, so maybe that was it. I also could have been worried that the class would be too difficult for me (the website, which I checked thoroughly, promised a very intense hour).




But then I realized what it was that was holding me back: my routine. I am such a person of habit, of routine, that when it changes, I get incredibly anxious and overwhelmed. I also plan ahead, and I don't like surprises. I have had my Monday planned since Sunday. The new kickboxing class was at 7pm, and that changed my evening plans, which were to go to my own gym for Zumba at 6, come home and cook dinner, shower, read, sleep. The 7pm time was just enough to mix things up a little bit. It was a minor change, but enough to make me hesitant, and enough to give me a little anxiety.


Once I realized what was holding me back, I sat down and wrote up a new schedule for tonight, making sure I could fit everything in that I wanted. I decided that instead of eating dinner before kickboxing (I hate eating a big meal and then working out, I always feel sick), I would prepare my dinner so that it would be ready when I returned home, and eat a small, healthy snack before the class.




So I registered for the class on the website and spent the rest of the day pondering what the class would be like. Another thing about me: I don't really like to go to new places. I get worried that I won't know where to go or that I will look silly. At the same time, I'm afraid to ask questions. So I usually just sort of silently suffer until I either figure it out or flee the situation.


Upon arrival, I was intimidated by the gals with six packs and ripped arms. It seemed that most of them were pretty "elite" athletes. When my friend arrived, the instructor helped me to wrap up my hands and put my gloves on- and then it was go time.


It was the hardest hour of my entire life. Not only are you moving your hands and punching the bag, but in between rounds, you do things like pushups, mountain climbers, squats, ladder climbs, etc. There is no rest period, no breaks. After about 15 minutes, I was already exhausted. I work out almost every day, but my workouts are simple compared to that intensity!


I have to admit, I enjoyed the actual boxing part- maybe a little too much. Yes my arms were sore and I wasn't sure I could hit the bag one more time, but I'd get this burst of energy where I could hit it hard, and that made me keep going. I used it as an opportunity to let out all my aggression, emotion, and fear.


I had to walk out with 10 minutes to go- the room was hot and I thought I was going to throw up. But I'm proud of myself. I did it. I changed up my routine and I did something new, went to a new place.


So the next question on everyone's mind: would I do it again?


Probably. I am kind of curious if I would be able to keep up more next time. But, I prefer using my own gym, mostly because since I pay a membership fee I may as well use it. So I will have to check and see if they have a similar class.


Now that I have tried this, I have confidence in trying Yoga. My first class is Saturday morning at my gym.


Sometimes we need to do things that scare us, to help us to see that while they may be hard, it is possible to do them. The feeling of pride and accomplishment that comes after performing a difficult or scary task is more than worth the worrying and nervous feeling.


Let's make 2014 the year we do things that scare us a little. Let's stop fear from getting in the way of crushing our goals. Let's understand that change is okay, and that our lives will not fall apart if we change up our routine a little bit.

Avenue

For the A-Z challenge, I will be writing about MEMORIES. A is for Avenue- my first job.

All through high school, I babysat often during the school year and worked as a nanny during my summer vacations. When I came home from college after my freshmen year, I hit the pavement looking for jobs. Most of the kids I had babysat in the past were old enough to care for themselves now, and I wasn't having much look securing a nanny job. So I had to look elsewhere. I started filling out applications left and right. One day, I walked into Avenue, a women's clothing store. The woman who handed me the application seemed very enthusiastic. She let me fill it out right then and there, and asked me questions about my availability. Just a few hours later, I got a call to come in for an interview the next day. I was nervous. I had never really had a job interview before. The interview was quick. I wasn't feeling too confident. I was a shy girl, and I knew that came off in my interview. I figured they probably assumed I couldn't sell clothes.

I was wrong. They offered me the job that same day and I started within 48 hours. My first few weeks were terrifying. I had to force myself to talk to customers and was not comfortable around my coworkers. They were all older than me, and I couldn't relate to their conversations. I spent most of my time folding clothes and avoiding the cash register. I never wanted to make a mistake, so I figured I was safest out on the sales floor, folding clothes, steaming clothes, and putting shoes away.

There was one week where I only worked with one other girl, my manager, Charlene. Suddenly we grew very close and were laughing and joking around. I started speaking up more, and became a master at the cash register. Once Charlene and I became friends, everyone else seemed to embrace me a little bit more. They all protected me. They loved to make me feel uncomfortable, but would also rescue me if I was in a tough situation. I remember one specific incident where a customer was in my face about something that was totally out of my hands. One of my coworkers stepped in, pushed me aside, and told the woman to leave the store and to never talk to me like that again. I took a sigh of relief and thanked my coworker for saving me.

One of our responsibilities as employees was to get people to open up a store credit card. I hated that. We had to ask a customer in three different ways. It got annoying, fast. But we each had to reach a monthly goal. Again, my coworkers came to the rescue. They coached me through it, and a few times would put my name down because I was the one who helped the customer on the floor.

Despite my shyness, My absolute favorite part of the job was walking around on the sales floor and asking customers if they needed help. I heard so many stories that way. People looking for an outfit for different reasons- asking questions about sizes and colors, asking my opinion about outfits. It was so fun to interact with them, and it really broke me out of my shell.

I continued to work at Avenue on Christmas breaks and summer vacations until my senior year of college. The years blend together now. Customers came and went, but we always had our regulars. At one point there was an incident when one of our comanagers left. It was a tension filled environment for a while as people took sides, and shortly after that, I left for good. I had to say goodbye to that chapter in my life. But I will never forget it. Working at Avenue was good for me, and my self esteem. It helped me to work through fear. So I guess the lesson in this memory is this: even if you don't think you can do something, you probably can.