Retreat Reflection

I promise a weight loss post is coming in the next few days. First, I wanted to share a bit about the retreat I attended this past weekend with other Mercy Associates and a few Sister's of Mercy.

Of all the things I do with Mercy, retreat is one that is most important to me. It is a weekend of reflection and sharing, of getting to know myself and others, and a gentle reminder of why I am an Associate. This retreat was no different. I walked out feeling energized, humbled, and inspired- AND with total confidence that God is working hard in my life, and that He has been all along.

The retreat was made up of a couple different themes. We discussed Theresa of Avila and Catherine McAuley. We spent time discussing spiritual maturity, and how, as we grow and change as humans, so does our spirituality and relationship with God. We talked about the threads of our life, and how they stay with us throughout our life.

Personally, I was deeply impacted by the reflection questions we were given. Time for personal reflection is pretty standard on retreats. But I will say, that typically, when I am given quiet time on a retreat, I spend it outside, staring at the trees or the birds. Sometimes I pray, but it's rare that I actually think about the reflection questions I was given. This time was very different. I not only thought about each question, but I had so much energy flowing through every fiber of my body when reflecting that I couldn't keep up with my thoughts. I dug so deep, and truly felt God's presence right with me as I reflected and prayed- and WROTE.

Although I sometimes feel that spirituality and our relationship with God is private, I feel compelled to share with you a few of the things I wrote/took away from retreat.

• My experience with God in my life roots mostly from the love shared amongst my family. Perhaps that is my first concrete awareness of God: That God is love, and that my family loves me, and I love them. My childhood was filled with joyous, loving moments, and to this day my family remains my favorite people to be around. I feel blessed in this way, because I know that not everyone has this. But when I think of the presence of God in my childhood, I don't necessarily think of specific instances or "aha" moments. I just think of the love we shared as a family and the love that my parents have for us.
• I believe that my greatest moments with God are when He brings someone knew into my life. This started young with Christine and Amy. They were meant to be my friends. He continued to bring people that I needed- and all of these people taught me how to love in their own ways: Mrs. MacLennan. Alicia. Sam. Melinda. The Backups. Dean. Dave. Katie. Nate. Sr Mary Jo. Peggy. Tom. Emily. I could go on and on.
• God has ALWAYS been good to me, even when I am not good to myself. He protected me by surrounding me with an army. Perhaps THAT is my thread of life: love and relationships. Even if the people or faces change, the love is still there. 
• I suppose I have seen myself as a light for others. Maybe not a large, overpowering spotlight- maybe more of a flashlight. I seek people out when they need someone, and I help lead them out of their darkness. 
• When thinking of a symbol for myself, the first thing that comes to mind is a puzzle piece. I like to connect people- either to each other, or to new experiences. I believe we are all working together to survive this life, and I feel it's my duty to help get people where they need to go. 

During my time of reflection, I mostly thought of the times God has brought good to my life: either people or opportunities. But I also thought of the times He has been there when I was closed off from Him, When my dad was so sick, I don't remember ever actually praying. I cried a lot, I yelled, but I don't remember actually talking to God. Yet, somehow, I knew He was there. Again, maybe I knew He was there because our family was shown such love and kindness that I KNEW that was God. 

My point? God has been there for me in the good and the bad. He lives in me, and He lives in you. He brings us together for a purpose. This is what I believe, at least. And with that, I wrote this prayer:

Be still in the moments of joy, for that is God's work

Hold on in the moments of tragedy, for God will pull you through 

You are surrounded by God's love, through the faces and hands of others.

And just as you need them, they too, need you.

We are each pieces of God's puzzle, and we must connect both in the joy and in the tragedy.

We come together as one,

With God as our light.

In closing, I will leave you with the song "Flashlight" from Pitch Perfect 2. When I first heard it, I immediately linked it to Tom as a sweet love song. But now, after this retreat, I link it to God. This version is a cover of the song from Madison Lawrence. The song is originally by Jessie J.

In Mercy

As most of you recall, in November 2012 I became an Associate of the Sister's of Mercy. I spent a great deal of time writing about it, and explaining my desire to make that commitment. Mercy continues to be a part of my life, and throughout the last few years I have spent time at different Mercy events, supporting the Mercy Volunteer Corps and Mercy High School.

However, in the last year I would say my participation was down. There are many things I attribute to my absence. First, my weight loss journey. When I decided it was time to become healthy, I knew that I had to make it my number one priority. That's just the way it had to be for this to work. As a result, I lost a few friends along the way, and broke some previous commitments. Some may say that is selfish, but it was something that had to be done. And something that needs to continue. I am not finished yet. I still have a ways to go on my journey.

Secondly was my dad's diagnosis. That happened in September of last year and although he has been okay, I did take a step back from many of my obligations so that I could spend more time with my family. I realized over the last year just how important family is, and I truly made it a point to put them at the top of my list.

Third was the transition between jobs. At my old job I was often sick, and sad, and did not feel much up to doing anything. My new job has been fantastic, but still an adjustment. I work a lot of nights and some weekends, so figuring out my new job and role have been a big part of my life.

Fourth is having a boyfriend. While that may seem silly, Tom is one of the most important people in my life and as our relationship grows, I want to spend more time with him and to have our time together.

The fifth reason is one I have only recently admitted to myself, and that is the loss of Sr. Mary Jo. She was my mentor, my friend, and my role model. Her actions and words alone are a huge reason why I became an associate in the first place. When she passed, it was almost as if a little part of my passion for Mercy passed with her. You'd think it would have fueled me, but instead I took a little step back. I missed her so much, and to know that I was not going to see her at events made me very sad.

I tell you all of those things merely to explain why I maybe have not been as active with Mercy as I thought I would be when I became an associate. Perhaps they are just excuses, but I felt like I had to put them out there- maybe more for myself.

Anyways, this last weekend, I attended the annual Associate Retreat. I almost did not go. Since I had been absent so much, I almost felt like I shouldn't go- like I was not one of the "regulars" and that I wouldn't fit in. But, several had made the personal invitation, and I went for it. I am not sure what I was expecting- perhaps your typical spiritual retreat. But what I got was so much more than that. Over the weekend we spent our time discussing leadership. Specifically, leadership in Mercy. This was perfect, as it is something I personally have not thought much about, and had we not had this retreat I probably still would not be thinking about it. But having an entire weekend focusing on that allowed me to feel that passion for Mercy all over again. My mind was going a mile a minute with ideas I wanted to share, stories to tell, people to talk with. I am usually very quiet on retreats, as someone who is shy and nervous. But this time, I felt like I had so much to say that I was jumping in quite a bit. I was so energized by the openness of the other associates and the Sisters who joined us that I was bouncing off the wall.

I needed this weekend, mentally. I needed to step away from those five things that I mentioned up above and just to bring myself back to Mercy. After all, Mercy is what formed me. Mercy is in everything that I do. I forget that, sometimes, but I know that the very core of who I am as a person was built through my experiences at Mercy High School and as a Mercy Volunteer Corps member.

So where do I go from here? Now that I have had this fantastic retreat and energized my love for all things Mercy, how do I live it? I've got a couple of ideas. I have suggestions to forward on to the leadership team. I have ways to show my support of the Sisters- I plan on visiting the elderly Sisters twice a month. I have plans to invite fellow Associates over for a potluck. There are ways. Now I just need to do them. I can't go crazy. I can't be attending workshops and parties and conferences every week. But I can live Mercy in all that I do...and invite others to join me.

Retreat reflection

I love retreats. I almost wish I could go on one every single weekend, but I also know if I did that, they wouldn't be as special as they really are. But I try to go on at least two retreats a year. 

This one was a silent retreat at St. Mary's in Oxford. I will say , though, even though it was silent, there were several points of discussion. Which I very much appreciated because it allowed for connections to be made and to see other perspectives. 

Since I'm not sure where to begin, I am just going to list the main points that hit home for me. I hope they resignate with you as well.

From session 1, Friday evening

God says to us "know who you are. Do not limit yourself." The Gospel call us to continue growing. God does not call us I be perfect, He calls us to be the best person that we can be.

We sometimes use the words "I'm only human" to describe something negative. Ie "yes, I gossip. I'm only human." What if we used being human in a positive light?

If we appreciated the uniqueness in ourselves, maybe we'd see each other differently.

From Session 2, Saturday morning  

Who is God to us? What we think about God influences how we treat others. God is always going to be bigger than the image we give, because God is more than we can ever imagine. 

At this point in the discussion, we did an excerise which challenged us to list a verb for every letter of the alphabet. We did not know why until we were done. Then, we were told to look at our verbs and see if they describe things God does.

What I and others learned is that they a fit-becAuse God does everything. Even jokes, which wAs my verb for J.

My favorite was "d". Because my verb was "dares". From there, I wrote this:

God dares me to be...

The best that I can be.

Open and willing to experiences, to love, and to listen to Him.

Trusting in His plan.

A leader in faith.

A follower of His teaching.

Grateful for what He has given me.

Honest with Him

Loving and gentle to all who surround me.

God dares me to be me, because He loves me.

Session 3, Saturday afternoon

Be awake to new experiences of God. If we aren't, we might miss Him.

Each person we meet is a face of God.

We then picked our favorite image of God. Mine is Protector. we were then challenged to reflect on if our image of God also describes ourself. Am I a protector? I think so. I hope so.

The only thing God is asking us to do is to love. He loves us more than we can ever possibly imagine. 

The question was posed "when was a time you felt God's love for you?". My answer: when Ryan was born. 

Session 4: Saturday evening 

We are all so connected to one another. Spirituality is the art of making connections. Having another person present to our pain doubles our capacity to endure it.

Our challenge is to not leave anyone behind. We're connected to people even if we don't know them. 

Those close to us are our "believing mirrors". They reflect back to us our highest potential. 

Session 5: Sunday Morning

We are called to be the healing of the world, the parts of the world that we touch. Hope compels us to action.

We are called to keep looking at our world: is there anything I'm missing, are there new opportunities to help make things better? We do not need to do extraordinary things. They can be small random acts of kindness. 

Gospel calls us to take each other in. Are there others we need to take in?

We receive the body of Christ to be the Body of Christ.

Thoughts in between sessions

The most incredible thing happened to me on Saturday morning. I woke up and went for a walk. Feeling a little lost and unsure of my worth, I asked my grandma to show me a sign that she was here. In that moment, I heard something next to me. I turned, and there was a deer next to me, just a few trees between us. Chills went through my spine. The deer ran away quickly and I kept walking.

I took a different turn and suddenly, two deer appeared. A male and a female. It was in an open area. They stared at me for quite some time. Tears ran down my face and I felt an overwhelming sense of calm and comfort. I snapped a picture. 

Just after I took this, the female (on the far left) got much closer. She was staring at me and all I could hear in my mind was "it's okay". After about 5 minutes the deer ran off.

Later that afternoon, I went on a second walk. Now, I know some will call me crazy, but when I am walking in silence is when I am most in tune with God. I hear the things He wants to tell me. And no, it's not an actual voice. Rather, I get thoughts. And I know He puts them there. 

So on this walk my thoughts were going craZy. And hear is some of what I heard 

God will not always appear in big, cliche, magical ways. He is always There. I don't need to look for the big signs. He is in everyone. He is the gentle hand pushing me along the path. I don't always feel the hand, and I certainly don't see it, but it's there. 

As these thoughts came I stopped for a moment and questioned God, and whether or not I was worthy. At that exact moment, a leaf flew and hit me in the face. Perhaps God wAs trying to tell me to shush. 

I do struggle with these things sometimes. I wonder if it's all in my imagination. If it was just a coincidence that there were two deer outside when I was. If my thoughts are not God but that they are the things I want to hear so I make them up. 

Or, are these actually God moments. God revealing himself to me. 

It's an internal struggle I have. I don't think anyone can give me a concrete answer because one of the amazing things about God is we don't know what He is up to. But he's always up to something. 

I walked again this morning. I told God and my grandma that they didn't have to appear to me today. That they should go embrace my mom. Have her feel that comfort that I felt. Half joking, I stopped and asked "hey wait- why do I always feel grandmas presence? Why doesn't grandpa come see me?". Immediately, I got this back 

Because he is with your brother.

Makes sense to me. So I asked who was with my sister and I did not get a specific person just a reminder that there are several others watching over my family.

I know to some of you these thoughts I have sound crazy and that's okay. My chats with God would sound crazy to me to if I wasn't me. 

The last thing id like to share is this: the retreat truly helped me to see the goodness in my life. The good things God does, the good people, the good that I am. It also helped me to realize that my cares and concerns will be handled.

I hope you got something out of the rambling I posted. Remember to see the goodness in yourselves and be looking for someone else to take in.