Breathe.

Have you ever given much thought to your breath? To how often you breathe, the rhythm of your breath, whether or not you breathe through our nose or mouth?

Maybe, or maybe not. 

I've given a lot of thought to my breath. I distinctly remember an instance when I was young- maybe 6 or 7, sitting in the chair where my mom would do my hair for school. I had been thinking about my breath, and I said "I'm worried I'm going to stop breathing or forget how to breathe." Instead of brushing off my fears, my mom said "I know what you mean. I've felt that before, too. I just remind myself that I know how to breathe. But I know it can be scary". Ever since then, when I feel like I CAN'T breathe, I go back to those words. I know how to breathe. I know this is scary, but I will catch my breath again.

When have I lost my breath? In times of severe anxiety. When tears are falling too hard. When I am put on the spot. When I get scared. When I heard bad news. After a long run or a hard workout. And, at one point in my life, simply walking up a flight of stairs. But I always find my breath again. Without having to think too much about it, it comes back. And trust me, there are times where I do not think I will ever be able to catch my breath. But I always do.

All my life, the words "breath" and "breathe" have brought me immense comfort. I think it's the simple fact that to breathe means to live- and so long as you continue to breathe, you are still alive. You have not been consumed by whatever it is you thought was going to take your precious breath away.

I've been taking yoga classes here and there for the last three years. Breath, and paying attention to your breath, is one of the core aspects of yoga. Learning to really control my breath, to sit with my breath, to try different KINDS of breathing (who knew there were so many?) has made a very deep positive impact on me. I have a breathing technique when I cannot sleep at night. I have a breathing technique at the dentist, when I'm getting a massage, when I'm anxious, and when I'm nervous or when I'm angry. 

It's so easy to turn to someone who is anxious and to say, simply "breathe". Sometimes it can come off sarcastic, or rude. But breathing really is one of the best things you can do in that situation. It will bring on the calm, and the peace you need to move onward. 

I'm honestly not sure why I wrote about this, or that my post even makes sense. I just feel almost surrounded by the idea of breathing, and with breath comes calm. I know there are may be other people out there who struggle with anxiety and may "lose their breath", and I hope it helps to know- you know how to breathe. You WILL breathe. And you will become calm again.

I told you've I've been drawn to these words, I've also been drawn to songs that embrace this idea. I'll share a few here:

Quit Worrying

Hello.

It's me.

Look, I'll be honest, I really have no idea what I'm about to write in this post. My blog posts have pretty much disappeared these days. A few days ago, the overwhelming feeling of wanting to write hit me. I got so excited! It's been so long since I've had that feeling! I thought I had so much to write about! I could tell you all about how much I've grown to love running, or all about living with Tom, or how amazing my job is, or that I have a new baby niece, or even how Trader Joes has become my second home. But then I sat down to actually write, and nothing really came out. Nothing, at least, that I wanted to publish.

And I know I've touched on this before....but after watching a video blog by Christian singer Jamie Grace, this thought struck me again: I'm not used to writing about being happy. If you've been following this blog for a while, you probably know that my best posts, and my best writing, come from places of pain. I've knocked out a few good gratitude/happiness posts before, but for the most part, my writing has been caused by an incident that hurt me, and writing is how I deal with it. Now that there's less pain in my life, I suppose that means there's less writing.

Notice I said LESS pain- not NO pain. Trust me, friends, there is still pain. I still have anxiety, I've just learned how to deal with it in a much healthier, productive way. I still struggle with self doubt, but I challenge myself.  I still consume with worry about my dad, but I take comfort in the fact that my family is my greatest strength and support. I still, despite how happy I am, get struck with this incredible sadness at times that seems nearly impossible to shake. But the difference is that instead of giving into it, instead of letting it control my life, I take a few days to slowly bring myself out of it.

Self doubt seems to be my biggest demon. I am constantly worried that I am not where I should be in life. Or that I am not a good enough friend, or sister, or daughter, or girlfriend fiancee.Or that I should lose more weight. Or that I should have run faster. It goes on and on and on. Most of the time, I'm able to shut those thoughts down. But sometimes they take over for days and days. Then, somehow, it breaks...until it starts again. It's a cycle.

But despite those feelings, despite the bad days, my life now compared to where it was 4-5 years ago is drastically different-and by different, I mean better.  And as it has gotten better, my writing has slowed down.

I am exactly where I want to be in my life. There's always room for improvement, and there's always goals to set, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm not trying to completely change who I am. I'm just trying to be the very best me that I can be. And when I have those periods of self doubt, that's what I tell myself. That I am doing the best I can.

Maybe I'll write more, maybe I won't. Maybe I will tell you about my Trader Joes obsession or about how much I loved Ghostbusters or how yoga has become a part of my weekly routine. Maybe I'll tell you all about how I'm getting married in just over a year. Maybe. I won't put the pressure on myself to write, but I won't stop myself from sharing the gleeful moments, either.

We'll just see what happens.

Ending with a song that has become my theme song. These ladies are a constant source of inspiration for me, and this song is no exception. I hope you enjoy.

Lullabies

When I was in high school, a loved one was suffering from severe depression. I remember another wise friend of mine saying to this person "you need to arm yourself with the necessary tools to fight this". I loved that phrase then and I love it now. Whenever I find myself struggling, I go back to those words. Over the years I've personally found solace in many different "tools": prayer, writing, talking it out, and, most recently, working out. I've found all of these things to help clear my head, to give me confidence, and to bring me comfort, and peace. But above all of these things, there's one that stands above the rest:

Music.

Music brings something out in me like nothing else can. I am so often comforted by lyrics or a melody. I have certain songs that I turn to for nearly every mood. When it comes down to it, music is there for me. And no matter the genre, I can always find something that sparks a fire in me, or something that brings me peace. And as someone who is very often filled with worry, peace is something I long for.

Nighttime is a parade of worry. It's like as soon as the world starts to calm down, my brain decides it's the perfect time to craft to do lists, negative thoughts, long term worries, and overall emotion. I've struggled with this for several years. There are nights I only get a few hours of sleep because I simply cannot get my brain to settle. I've tried nearly every remedy: meditation, prayer, Melatonin, oils, deep breathing, the list goes on and on. And usually, these things work. For a short time. And then it's back to the struggle. 

Music, though, has once again come to the rescue. A few months ago, one of my favorite musical acts, Jill and Kate, released an album called "Lullabies". And. As the title suggests, it is an album of lullabies that they wrote. The duo surprised a good friend for her baby shower, as this friend had been requesting this kind of album from Jill and Kate. 

So, at 28 years old, I decided to give this album a try to help me sleep. And it's worked. The songs are so beautiful and pure. Each song is special for its own reason, but the song "Sunshine" brings me a unique sense of comfort. I could see that most would think the song is intended to be a parent's message to their child, but when I listen I imagine it's God's words to me. I take great comfort in knowing that God is on my side. This song has done wonders for my prayer life.

I never quite make it through the whole album without falling into a peaceful sleep. I just put it on shuffle and let it do its work. I find something new every night. 

I don't usually listen to the album during the day. I kind of like to have it saved. I don't want it to lose it's magic. I do, however, turn to it in moments of panic, when I need something to bring me back down. 

I've been trying to figure out the best way to share the impact this album has had on me. It didn't seem enough to just post a Facebook status. This album is so much more. It's my safety net, it's the words I need to hear, and it's the tool I use to arm myself for battle. My hope is that by sharing this, others who may struggle with nighttime anxiety or insomnia will take a listen and find just as much comfort as I do.

And while you're at it, check out Jill and Kate's other music. Those two have something so special. Their songs are written from the heart and they harmonize so beautifully. Their music has been part of my life for several years now, and I'm super grateful for that.

You can find Lullabies on ITunes, Spotify, or Amazon.

Tuesday Tunes: Civil Wars + Jill and Kate

The Civil Wars are a fascinating band. To bring you up to speed, they are a male/female singer-songwriter duo who met in Nashville back in 2008. Their first studio, full length album was released in 2011, and they won two Grammy's for that album. Their songs have been featured on Grey's Anatomy and they were the opening act for Adele on her national tour. They partnered up with Taylor Swift for a song off The Hunger Games soundtrack, which they also won a Grammy for. They are very folky sounding, known for their use of instruments and raw vocals.

The fascinating thing is that the two have been in a tiff for a while. Neither have said the real reason, just using the whole "creative differences" line. In fact, they weren't speaking while making the album that was released today, and still aren't speaking. Joy has said they likely won't tour for this album because of the fight between them. Joy has been more vocal where John Paul seems to have gone into hiding.

Guys, something went down. And although we don't know what it was, it was big. And this album portrays the hurt, sadness, and even anger that both have felt.

It's like Fleetwood Mac all over again.

Here are my four favorite tracks from this self titled album. It's one that you really need to put on and listen to, full length, but I'll give you some snippets.

The One That Got Away

Devils Backbone

From This Valley

Oh Henry

Also, the lovely ladies Jill and Kate released a live album today. It's pretty awesome, especially because their commentary is in it as well, and they are giddy and excited in between each song. The album truly shows off their powerful vocals.  These two gals are mega talented and super sweet. They are so good to their fans and so passionate about music. Check out this live album if you want to hear some great music. Here's two tunes I particularly enjoy:

Burn It Down

My Love

Great day for singer songwriters!

Civil Wars on iTunes
Jill and Kate on Itunes

Chasing Storms

I'd like to introduce you to Jill and Kate. These gals met in college, started writing songs and singing together as a duo. They also landed the job of being Kelly Clarkson's backup singers on her tours for several years. Recently, they put that to rest to focus on their own music. Over the past few years they've released four records, toured, spent time on mission trips. They write 100% of their own material. In sum, they are awesome.

In addition to being super talented song writers and singers, they have now jumped into the jewelry business. They hand make bracelets and necklaces with lyrics or song titles. Every few weeks they update their Etsy store page with new items. They sell out fast, so fans have to be quick to grab what they want.

I browsed through their items last time they had a sale and chose the bracelet that reads "chasing storms". It is in reference to this song:

Here's the lyrics for those of you that like to read along:

You’re chasing storms
You cannot fight
Following the trail of lights
Starting fires
You touch the flames
You’re burning up
You don’t notice a thing

Cause you’re tired from chasing the wind
And your feet can’t feel where they’ve already been
Are you right back where you started again

It was all at your fingertips but you can’t feel it anymore
You’re running past what you waited for
And it’s knocking down your front door
But you can’t hear it and you can’t feel it anymore

When everything is not enough
You find your losses and count ‘em up
You wanna get but you’ll never give
So afraid to fight for it

But you’re out there running around
And your eyes can’t see what they’ve already found
Are you right back digging up that same old ground

It was all at your fingertips but you can’t feel it anymore
You’re running past what you waited for
And it’s knocking down your front door but you can’t hear it and you can’t feel it anymore

You may have just read those lyrics and thought "wow...that's sad". And well yeah...it is. Jill and Kate have said that the song was written for a friend who was going through a hard time, and the girls felt frustrated because they couldn't do anything about it.

Perhaps what Jill and Kate didn't know, when writing this song, was how much it would touch the hearts of their fans. Myself included.  When I first heard this song I was overwhelmed with emotion. Jill and Kate did something beautiful, and brave, here. What they did was wrap up every feeling of sadness and anxiety and put it in a song. That's a hard thing to do. The lyrics touch on the fact that sometimes we KNOW the answer, but we can't accept that, and are too scared to try, so we settle and keep ourselves in the endless circle of anxiety.

Confession: That used to be me. In fact, this WAS me, when this song was released in 2010. So you can imagine how I felt when I first heard this song on their Songs on the 17th album. Goosebumps. Up until about three years ago, I would fall into these terrifyingly dark holes in life. I became almost zombie like. The real danger was that I didn't really care about myself enough to pull myself out of it or to accept the help that was being offered to me. I was, as the song title suggests, chasing storms.

So why would I get a bracelet that has the words chasing storms engraved on it? Not to remind me of the bad times, not to proudly display hey, look at me! I have issues! But rather, I wear it to remind myself where I came from. That I am SO FAR from being that person. That those times made me stronger. That I have moved past the storms, and that I am worthy of love and of loving myself enough to pull through those hard times.

I have learned that the hard times don't really stop. Things happen in life that bring you down. You can't sit there and say that life is happy, 100% of the time. That'd be a lie. But how you deal with it, how you react, makes all the difference. Always have hope, and know that no matter what life is throwing at you, you can, and will, survive. Muster up every ounce of strength you have and take a step forward, leave the mess behind.

 So thank you, Jill and Kate, for writing that beautiful song. A song that means something, a song that defines and explains something so difficult for many of us. And thank you for making that bracelet. It tells my story. 

To learn more about Jill and Kate, visit their website here: http://jillandkate.com/
Look for new jewelry at their Etsy shop: http://www.etsy.com/shop/JillandKate