A Thank You to Mercy.

To the Mercy Administration;

During Lent I take time to write letters of gratitude to people in my life who have, in one way or another, made an impact on my life. Today, on International Women’s Day, I wanted to thank the time to write to you. I am who I am today because of my four years at Mercy High School.

I graduated from Mercy in 2005- I know that there have been many changes since then. There are new staff, new uniform guidelines, new classes, and certainly new technology. But I am both hopeful and confident that the spirit of Mercy is the same as it always has been. What is the spirit of Mercy High School? In my eyes, it is one that is gentle yet powerful, encouraging and persistent, faith filled and compassionate. Those are all the words that I think of when I think of the staff and faculty at Mercy.

Being a student at Mercy taught me that women can be leaders, athletes, scientists, writers, artists. Mercy taught me to be accepting of everyone, and to lift up and encourage our peers rather than drag them down. Mercy taught me that faith is more than just sitting in a church pew, and Mercy taught me the power of connections. Mercy taught me to dig deeper, to explore further and to reach higher. Mercy taught me that I am very capable of accomplishing what I set my mind to, and that when I get stuck, all I need to do is ask. Mercy taught me about friendship, about honesty, and about embracing the life we have been given.

I truly believe that I am a stronger, more confident woman because of my four years at Mercy. The faculty and staff embrace their students in a way that I think is fairly rare. When I struggled in math class, Mrs. Kowalski gently guided me. When I was lost and needed a place to belong, Mrs. MacLennan and the pastoral team welcomed me with open arms. When I discovered my love for writing and became hungry for more, Miss Desmond and Mr. Schusterbaur challenged me. When I was shy and eager to break out of my shell, Mrs. Rozman taught me the importance of just being me. The list goes on and on. Each and every teacher at Mercy was instrumental in helping me to become the person that I am today.

I will forever hold a place in my heart for Mercy, and for all that each of you do to make sure that every student knows their true value. Because of my experience at Mercy, I went on to become a member of the Mercy Volunteer Corps (’09-’10), and, three years ago, became an Associate of the Sisters of Mercy. My goal is to spread the message of Catherine McAuley and of Mercy in my work and amongst my family and friends. Thank you for giving me something to be proud of, thank you for giving me a gift that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Best of luck to all of you, as you continue to do great work and impact girls like me.

131 lbs later.

When I started this weight loss journey, I used to dream about the day I would reach my goal weight. I imagined a lot of tears and celebrations, hugs and high fives, and a deep, thought provoking blog post about it.

So far, only a few of those things have actually come to life. When I saw the number on the scale, I did cry. A lot. I burst into this ugly cry that I didn't know I could muster. Tom thought I saw a spider in the bathroom because I made this weird screechy noise. But when he saw the look on my face, he figured out what happened, spun me around in a circle and said "You did it!" 

We walked to breakfast and all I could think about was that I hit my goal weight. I was smiling like a fool. I texted my family and closest friends with shaking hands. I made a Facebook post. 

And then- just like that- life went back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be when you have a parent in the ICU. I was back at the gym yesterday and today. I'm still counting calories and steps and trying my best to stay away from foods that could be a trigger for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it wasn't a life changing moment. It was a moment of pride and celebration and joy, but just as quickly as it crept up, I started to plan for maintenance, to remind myself that I can't give up now that I've "made it", and to push myself even harder in my workouts.

But rest assured, just because life goes on, my entire body beams with pride when I think about what I have accomplished. A montage of the last two years and 4 months flashes through my mind- I think of the classes I took, the stair climb, the planning, the cooking, the counting, the moments in dressing rooms where I fit into clothes, the moments where I realized just how strong I am- and how strong I've always been. Those are the things that make my heart flutter when I think about my weight loss. Not necessarily how I look now, but more how I feel now, and how damn hard I've worked.

Although I didn't realize this at my highest weight, I've always been beautiful. It just took two years and 4 months of pulling it out of me to realize it. My now slender body is NOT what makes me beautiful. It's my confidence, my determination, and my passion. Megan's always been awesome. She was just in hiding for a while and used her body as a way to avoid the world. 

What happens next? I may have hit my goal weight but that certainly doesn't mean I can walk away from my healthy lifestyle. I can't just pass it off like it was a phase. It's my life now. Of course I am terrified that I will fail, or that I will give up. But the new me isn't a big fan of giving up, so I don't forsee that happening. I still choose health and happiness over anything.

I cant thank you all enough for your support over the last two years. Some of you have been here from the start, when I was at my heaviest and could barely do 2 minutes on the elliptical. Some of you came in the middle, when I was down about 50 lbs and you've seen me push past plateaus. And some of you are just getting introduced, you didn't even know me at my highest weight, yet you're still so supportive of me. THANK YOU. I am not sure I could have done this without you all and your sweet comments, encouragement, and love. You kept me going when I wanted to quit. Thanks for putting up with my before and after pictures, frustrating Facebook rants, and workout check ins. I love you all so much!

Now onto phase 2- living this healthy life to the fullest.

Thank You's

Yesterday I mentioned that I would spent a portion of today writing "thank you" messages to the people who have supported me throughout my weight loss/recovery. I have gone back and forth about whether or not to do that publicly- and how. There's too many people and things to fit into on Instagram collage, a Facebook post is pretty much like a blog, and 140 characters won't cut it on Twitter. So here I am, at my blog. Sharing my gratitude openly.

The Tools

There are certain tools that I have used to help me along the way.

First and foremost is the app/website MyFitnessPal. I don't see how anyone can lose weight without using something like Myfitnesspal. You track your calories, as well as your calories that you burned. The nice thing is that it does all the math for you. You simply put it how much weight you want to lose, and it tells you how many calories you should be eating/burning each day. It also breaks down your meals so you can see how much sugar, protein, etc you are consuming. I honestly would be lost without this app. I already know I am going to need it for my maintence phase as well. It will keep me on track.

Tip: Measure your food. When a recipe tells you to use 1 tablespoon of olive oil, use 1 tablespoon of olive oil. Don't guess. Also, you can input your own recipes into the app and it will tell you how many calories!

I cannot say enough good things about this app. I don't think I would have been successful had it not been for this handy tool. USE IT.

I get my recipes from two main sources: Skinnytaste and Pinterest. Skinnytaste is genius. The mastermind, Gina, creates delicious recipes. She takes classic dishes that everyone loves and makes them healthy. Hundreds of my meals have been from that website. She has everything from appetizers to deserts- go check it out for some recipes!

Pinterest is a whole world full of healthy recipes. I simply type in "skinny recipes" or "clean eating" and get tons of options. Then, on Sunday nights, I sit down and write down which ones I am going to use that week. It makes grocery shopping easier when you have a plan!

Those are the three main tools that I use and have been using since I started. Although I may never get to "personally" thank the creators of those sites, I hope that by sending some of you that way, it is a token of my gratitude.

The People

Here's where it gets a little bit more emotional.

My Family- My parents are the ones who encouraged me to take a serious step into changing my health for the better. I called them on June 8th, 2013, crying, hysterical, thinking I was dying because I couldn't catch my breath and I was so dizzy that I couldn't walk. I had self diagnosed myself with everything you could imagine. But they were the ones, who, honestly and gently, told me that this was probably about my weight. They knew my eating habits weren't good, they knew I wasn't doing much to exercise. My parents saw something in me that I didn't see- life. They knew that I had potential to be someone so much stronger and healthier- and that if I lost the weight and settled my issues with food, I would feel better. I listened. I suppose I just didn't want to feel so sick all the time anymore. I also knew how much my parents and my family loved me, and I wanted to be around for them.

My siblings and their spouses have also been supportive- asking me questions, complimenting me, telling other people about my story. I'm also certain that Ryan appreciates that I can run around with him without feeling tired :)

Tom- Tom has played a very key role in my weight loss ever since it started. Around the time that I was feeling so sick and worn down, he and I had begun talking again and were becoming good friends. He knew how I was feeling- and when I joined a gym that was just moments from his house, he joined too. That's what bonded us. We would workout together, encourage each other, cheer each other on. He has never once doubted me. He's never tried to tempt me or gotten me off track. He's wiped away tears when I've been frustrated, he's laughed when I show him my new kickboxing moves, and he supports me whenever I try something new. I don't know what it's like to watch your girlfriend drop 5 sizes, but he does. And he doesn't care what size I am, as long as I am happy and healthy. He's also been the taste tester for a good portion of my healthy meals and experiments :) Tom knows that health is a priority of mine, and he's been working with me to get better about paying attention to what he puts in his body. THAT is all I could ask for- for him to be healthy, so that the two of us can live this life together.

My Friends and my coworkers- There were two very important characters in the beginning of this whole thing: Martha and Paula. Both are good friends of my moms, but I adore them so much that I consider them my friends as well. Paula is what changed this for me, guys. Paula is an incredibly wise doctor who also takes health and wellness pretty seriously. When she saw how concerned my mom was about my health, she swooped in. She was the one who got me to sign up for a gym, to meet with a nutritionist. She's the one who I texted at all hours of the day with questions about what was happening in my body. I will remember the day I sat in her kitchen with my parents for as long as I live. She was the secret angel that we all needed to get this thing going. Martha- well Martha is just special. She has been there for pretty much every step, cheering me on. She also almost always has a hilarious comment to make. Like the time she was sitting behind me in church and whispered "I can't stop staring at your ass". That's Martha for you!

My other friends have been just as supportive. Even when I can never make plans because I have to go to the gym or when we're out and I have an obnoxious order because I can't have bread or fried foods. My friends who are far away have followed my journey on social media and have "liked" my posts. That little "like" means a lot, even if it seems like a silly thing to do.

I've been blessed to have some pretty fantastic coworkers. I started this journey when I was still working for hospice, and man oh man, did those women care about me. Peggy used to take my blood pressure every week so we could track how I was improving. They would hide trigger foods from me so that I wouldn't give in. They asked me about my workouts or my cooking- they genuinely cared. My current coworkers all pretty much have a passion for health, and that makes things easy. They support me and celebrate my milestones- they even decorated my cube when I hit 100 lbs.

My YMCA Family: I would not be as successful if I didn't have the amazing team at the YMCA. Sarah was the one to sit down with me and work on a plan when I switched to the gym, and she continues to be one of my biggest supporters. She's also my instructor for Bootcamp. She, and the other attendees of that class, have seen me since I couldn't run up a flight of stairs or even ATTEMPT to do a burpee. I used to need help/correction with every single move in that class. She's been a huge part of this journey for me. I also have another Sarah and Harley to thank for leading me to fall absolutely head over heels for Kickboxing. It has become a passion of mine. I can't tell you the sense of accomplishment I feel after a Kickboxing class. Harley is such an amazing person- and he really, truly believes in me, and pushed me. Sadly, he is no longer my kickboxing instructor, but Darrin has taken over and pushes me just as hard. I LOVE my YMCA. I really believe that finding a gym where you feel at home is key. And I feel at home with the Y. I thank them for their instruction, wisdom, and support.


To everyone I mentioned, and to every single person who reads this blog or follows my journey on Facebook or Instagram: Thank you. Although this is my body, and my mind, it is you that I share it with. It's you that encourages me, motivates me, and inspires me. Every time someone tells me that I look good or that I've inspired them, I have to resist the urge to tackle them with a bear hug. Those words mean the world.

115 lbs down, my friends. About 20 lbs to go. Ready to continue on this journey with me?

PS: I feel like I also need to thank Sara Barielles, Florence and the Machine, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Fall Out Boy, One Republic, The Fray, Jessie J, and Bruno Mars for being some SERIOUS musical inspiration for me :)

Thankful

One of our Thanksgiving traditions is for everyone to write what they are thankful for on a paper leaf. As we eat, the younger cousins (who are now not so young), read them aloud. The rest of the guests try and figure out who wrote what. It's usually pretty obvious, like the year I wrote Nicki Minaj or the year one of the little kids wrote "cheese" and we all burst out laughing.

This year, my leaf will read something like:

My dad is alive.

Back in September, when we went through that terrible trauma of not knowing what was going on with him, we also didn't know what it meant. We were confident that whatever was happening was not going to kill him, but we also were so unsure about it all. Naturally, that leads to fear, to "what if?". So the fact that he is alive, home, walking and talking is the greatest gift we could have been blessed with.

And then there's everything that goes along with that: thankful for the doctors who cared for him, for the nurses who held our hands through the process and who wiped our tears, to the medicine that helped pull him out of the steroid psychosis, to the friendly aides who took such amazing care of him. To each person who visited even though it was terribly painful to see him in that condition, to the people who delivered meals or sent gift cards so that we could eat, to anyone who babysat Ryan or did laundry or ran errands,  for our employers who were so compassionate and understanding, for the phone calls/cards/emails, for the prayers, and for God, who held us tightly during that time and embraced us with His Grace.

Most of all, I am thankful to be blessed with this crazy group of people I call my family. We would not have made it through that hell without one another. We came out of it stronger than ever before, a united force. No one should dare mess with us, not even cancer.

I learned so much from September 5th- now. Mostly, that family, laughter, sharing and friends are among the most important, cherished things in life. Everything in between is just "stuff". We put "stuff" first a lot, when it should be the other way around. Being with the ones you love, making memories, and giving back to others is a beautiful way to live your life.

Dad, thank you for pulling through. You are the strongest man I know, and I am so proud of you.
Mom, thank you for being the world's greastest caregiver. I know it's exhausting, but you are doing a phenomenal job.  Your patience and compassion shine.

Lord, thank you for blessing me with this family, these friends, and this life.