So you know how I said I didn't think I was going to follow a certain theme with the A-Z Challenge? Well, apparently I lied, because so far my posts have been inspired by songs in some way shape or form. And that, is again, the theme of tonight, with the phrase "losing it", which is the title of a song from one of my favorite bands, Never Shout Never. The song does not quite encompass my thoughts, but still, it's got some parallels. I am going to close with another song reference, but you have to keep reading.
So, losing it. What is "it" exactly? Composure? Control? Your mind? Your memory? Maybe. I think I'm losing it almost every day. The week coming back from vacation is a rough one,kids. Keep that in mind. I was slammed all week with requests, questions, meetings, etc. Some directly related to my job, some not, but I have stepped in to assist in those areas and got stuck there. (Dumb move, Megan, dumb move). So with all that on my plate, I was edgy and moody most of the week. And then I found out there were some rumors going on about me. That set me off. I almost lost it.
I gave a work related example because my life is primarily centered around work at the moment. But I'm also close to losing it when someone shows disrespect, when a situation is unfair, when people get hurt. When I lose people. The year Laurence died was extremely tough, the grief overcame me. When Susan was killed it came back, and I wasn't sure I was going to make it.
Because I have a history with anxiety, I get close to losing it pretty often. Sometimes unseen. I freak out before big events, making a phone call, talking in front of people. I worry constantly over getting things right and being able to please others. I can't make decisions because I go over and over in my head if it's the right one. Usually, this form of losing it goes out on the people closest to me (mainly, my parents).
I wonder sometimes if I actually ever lost it. I don't think so. I've never blown up at anyone (okay, I did once tell a friend of mine off on the porch of a fraternity party, but she was never really my friend, and those things needed to be said). For the most part I keep my feelings inside, or write them down, or blog about them (heh). I'm almost positive I "lost it" once in college when I stayed in my room for weeks. But I eventually found it again. I always do.
The reason for "finding it"? I have people that Lift Me Up. (Yep, another song reference, a song by Kate Voegele). We should all have those people. People we can vent too, cry on, throw things with.
At work, I have a few people who lift me up. When I was near tears yesterday, Maggie and Sue were there. Maggie (and Tierra, who no longer works there) is becoming one of my closest friends- not just a work friend, but a friend. And Sue is like my mom. She knows when I'm upset, she brings me Advil and she gives me hugs. Those two, along with Carol, the sweetest nurse of all time who once brought me chocolates, and Christine, my lifelong best friend who now works at the company, lift me up. I feel like they understand me. Maggie (Tierra too, I feel like I need to include her because she just left last week, but she definatley made an impact and is one of my closest pals!) and I can look at each other and know what's on the other one's mind. You NEED friends like that. And you need friends who will email you from the next room. You just do.
In regards to life in general, I have so many people that lift me up, encourage me, support me. Obviously my parents play a huge role in that. My dad gave me a speech last night on finding affirmation from within and which of the 4 quadrants to be in. (You don't have to get that. I did). My siblings and their spouses lift me up, through their words, yes, but primarily through their actions. I look up to all of them. Then I have my friends, Gem, Jena, Alicia, Sam, Dean, etc etc.
The Sisters of Mercy lift me up, remind me that I'm human and encourage me, they show me that I am living Mercy. Music lifts me up. Melinda Doolittle is the reason I am not lost anymore, and she continues to lift me up.
God lifts me up. God is my number one source of light and inspiration.
So I suppose my point in all of this (I don't know if I have one, really) is that for every time we feel we're losing it, there's someone there to lift us up. It may even be a total stranger. But our role as human beings is to lift each other up when we feel we may lose it.