Life since we came back from the honeymoon has been a whirlwind. Outside my world, it's been the Vegas shootings, the sexual abuse/harassment stories, and all of the nasty fighting and hate that has been surrounding us. Inside my world? My work schedule has been demanding, exhausting, fulfilling, and exciting all at once. My dad has been back in the hospital since October 9th. My mom has been working so hard to take care of him and keep up their house, the bills, etc. My best friend gave birth to her beautiful baby girl. This is an absolute blessing, and I am so excited, but I worry I won't be able to support my friend as much as I want to. My apartment is a mess, because Tom and I are both working hours that don't allow for much time to tidy up. I haven't been able to work out as much, and I've noticed a pattern with emotional eating.
I feel as though I am at the bottom of a hole, and someone keeps tossing in piles of dirt. The second I see a clearing, another shovel comes with more dirt, and I have to climb my way out again.
And with that feeling comes the immense guilt as a side topping. I feel selfish for feeling this way. I know that others are suffering far worse than I am, so the negative thoughts in my brain tell me that I have no right to be complaining, that I should just keep my mouth shut and keep moving, that my problems/challenges are not validated. I beat myself up for feeling anxious/overwhelmed. I worry that I am not being a good enough daughter/friend/employee/coworker. That if I say no to someone, I am letting them down. Even as I write this post, I am worried that people reading this will think that I am being selfish or whiny.
I wish that I would start to believe all the things that I tell other people who may have found themselves in these situations. That I can't fix everything. That I can't be everything to everyone. That I can only do so much. And, perhaps most importantly, that I need to take care of myself. My initial instinct in life is to see how I can be of help to others around me. I see or hear other people struggling, and I go to help them. This is one of my greatest gifts, but also a hinder, because I hit burn out.
Right now, I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not saying very nice thing to myself, and not treating my body in a way that I know will renew my energy and refocus my mind. Someone in my circle told me that I am dehydrating myself, because I keep pouring out water without filling up my cup. (Also, in a literal sense, I haven't been good about drinking my water!)
So how do I fix it? Since I'm so big on fixing things, how do I step outside everything else happening and do a better job of taking care of myself? For one thing, I'm going to try to be better at drinking that water. I'm going to try to make time for workouts, and not feel guilty about choosing the gym over working or attending to someone else's needs. I am going to try to put my phone down at night and read instead. I'm going to try to slow down. I'm going to resist reaching my hand into the candy jars at work. I'm going to try to enjoy the sunshine while it lasts, because I know the dark and cold days are coming soon.
Thank you for reading, my friends. Let's all care for each other and ourselves, with no expectations or limits. Ready? Break.