I've been up all night waiting for a song that will make me feel alright

"With a spirit so neat
One that someone else can't beat
A heart as big as the earth
To know you really is a treat

I think you're really grand
For some people I can't stand
Don't worry it's never you
I'm glad you're here Miss Carolin"
-Poem written by one of my students....she handed it to me after school. The note said- "To Miss Carolin- One of the greatest new people in my life! By Jasmine"

How adorable? I love it! I'm keeping it forever.

Today was a pretty great day. The class that usually gives me trouble was alright, although I have been noticing a divide between groups of students. I mean a HUGE divide. Peer mediation soon? Check.

I had my creative writing class again today, passed out packets on how to write a scary story. I don't know how, but somehow this turned into a religious discussion. It was awesome, and I am thankful to be working at a school where I can openly share my views. Many of the students are not Catholic, but to just sit down and talk about God with a group of 14 year old kids is so awesome! They are pretty much in the same place I was at that age, so it's cool to be able to tell them stories and relate to them. A lot of funny things happened today, but I won't embarass anyone in the process of sharing. The best part of my day was when two students tried to teach me the moon walk after school in the gym. Such goofballs, I love it.

It's been brought to my attention how many of these kids are struggling with low self-esteem and periods of sadness or depression. It triggered memories of my own high school years and what made me hurt the most back then- usually it was my anxiety, fights with friends, a bad grade, family fights, boy problems...I'd say that these kids are going through the same thing, but if we're being honest they are dealing with much worse. Most of them are just so lonely, which breaks my heart. No one should feel that alone. I remember times when I was so lonely, there was always someone there to eventually pull me out of that. I just hope these kids have someone. If I could take them all home and make sure that they are safe and loved, I would. I know better than to get emotionally attached, but it's tough sometimes.

Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!

Currently listening to: "Radio, Radio"- Brooke White

PS: Which should I be for Halloween? A) Dorothy B) 80's Rockstar C) Teenager (dressed in Twilight, HSM, Miley, Jonas gear)

PPS: Don't forget to send me your favorite prayers, poems, lyrics, art work, etc! Thanks!

One of my favorite things in the world is laughter. The sound of it, the feeling, all of it. No one should go a day without laughing. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who make me laugh. My kids, my co-workers, my community members, my family, and my friends. I laugh pretty easily, even get the "stop laughing so much" comments.

I am grateful for friends who make my stomach hurt from laughing. Everyone should have friends like that. Lately I've been so focused on work and community life that I haven't stayed in contact with some of my best friends as well as I should. I apologize- you guys know that you have my heart, and that I love you dearly. I think of you on a daily basis and send warm thoughs and hugs your way. You're all such special people. Never forget that.

So, guess the heck what? I, Megan Carolin, am meeting Kelly Clarkson. That's right folks. I made a list over the summer of things to do before I leave this world, and meeting Kelly is one of them. I've told people as soon as I meet Kelly and Oprah, I can die happy. Now I'm meeting her. I cannot wait, seriously so excited. I had to reread the email seven times, because I couldn't believe that it actually said "CONGRATULATIONS!". SERIOUSLY? Kelly is the reason I got into music, the reason I started writing. 99% of her songs relate to my life. I can't wait to FINALLY thank her for everything she's done in my life. I've waited seven years for this :-)

Things at the school are still going very well. I face each day with an open mind and a smile, because I know that it's going to be completly different than the day before. The kids make me so happy, when I see an attitude change or just something funny that they say. Their creative writing amazes me, their way of handling conflict is getting stronger. I am just so happy to be here at a critical time in their life. They teach me more and more every day. I had a very touching moment with a student today who was almost in tears, but she said to me "but Miss Carolin you have taught me that my faith will get me through". I could have cried, because that is what I have been trying to get through to this student from the start. I am so glad she is starting to pick up on it. I thank the people in MY life who taught me the same thing. The toughest part right now is getting them motivated academically. Most of them have never been pushed hard before, so they don't understand the concepts. We have to get them excited for college and working hard to get in. I wish they appreciated their education more, they really are so lucky to be at such a wonderful school.

I stole this from someone, but I think it's an amazing idea and I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for all of you to contribute:

I'm going to put together a simple booklet of daily prayer and reflection pulled together from anyone interested. I would be looking for reflections of any kind that would fit onto a half page. This could include poetry, artwork, biblical reflection on the moment, recipes, prayers, music (lyrics), or anything you can think of. E-mail or snail mail me the pieces (contact me for an address). I'd like to have everything by the last in November so I can start getting it organized. Feel free to send in more than one item, or to pass this along. Thanks :-) I'll tweet reminders.

I hope the week ends well for everyone! I love you!

So Go Unlock Your Door, Find Out What You're Here For

I used to hate talking about my struggles with anxiety. I was afraid (ha, duh) of people judging me. Over time, especially recently, I've become more open about it. It's a huge part of my life, so it's kind of important that I let people know.

When I was younger, I really didn't understand it. Some of you may have heard the stories...but I used to be terrified of everything. I would cry and breakdown when people said something about my big eyes, because I hated the attention. I came into my parents room at 4 am once, when I was just six years old, crying. I told them I didn't have a brown crayon, and I couldn't go to school because I was terrified that the teacher would tell us to use a brown crayon and I wouldn't have it. I never once raised my hand in class, even if I was sure of an answer. The thought of being wrong, looking stupid, and just talking in front of everyone made me literally sick to my stomach. As I got older, I still struggled with classroom issues, people in authority, and strangers. When I was old enough to drive and go shopping by myself, I would avoid associates, even if I DID need help. It started to come out a little bit more seriously as far as avoiding things- I was pretty active in high school, but often times would make up excuses for going out with friends so that I could just be alone, where I wouldn't have to feel anxiety. I did that SO many times in college, too. I preferred being a hermit in my room to going out.

I know some of you can relate, but to those who can't, imagine for just a second living every single day of your life in absolute FEAR. That's how my life was for several years, until I recognized my own issues and got the help I needed. I would never wish what I dealt with upon anyone, ever.

How I dealt with the anxiety has become the biggest challenge. When I was younger, I didn't understand it. I dealt with it by not speaking. I still have a hard time talking to strangers, but you should have seen little Megan. Up until a few years ago I was hiding behind my mom, out of pure fear. As I got older, I turned to food to comfort me. I can remember binging on fast food before I went out with friends, and then feeling awful about it, to the point where I began to hate myself. The self-hate and depression played a pretty large role in college. I honestly don't know if I ever reached a complete level of happiness in college. I was constantly at a very low self-esteem and state of anxiety. I practically spent my entire sophomore year in my room, and if I wasn't in my room I was drinking...heavily. I avoided my feelings and getting help by drinking or eating. It wasn't until some very special people came into my life and pulled me out that I started to realize how destructive I was being to my body and mind. I started getting help but was still overwhelmed with anxiety in most cases. I would go home very often to avoid spending time surrounded by PEOPLE. I would make myself physcially ill with the things I worried about. It wasn't a good time for me.

The difference between then and now is that I have the resources and help to recognize my anxiety. I keep careful track of when I feel anxiety most and talk it over with a professional. I know the signs of anxiety and of when it will be easy for me to withdraw and slip into depression. For the first time in my life I am helping myself. I also do not turn to food anymore (okay, I've had a few binges, but nothing like it used to) and have other ways of coping- writing, praying, etc.

The reason I tell you this is so you all have an understanding of anxiety. Let me tell you that for every person who suffers from anxiety, it is the LAST thing they want. They don't mean to hurt your feelings if they avoid you- it's their way out. I know when I was struggling deeply with all of this, when I had days where I just wanted to completly give up, my biggest issue was that I didn't think anyone understood, I thought I was alone. I want people to know that they are never alone.

Thanks for reading. Love you all, have a good week....oh and to all of you who tell me you read this blog, I expect comments this time, ha.

As I was typing this, John Mayer's "Great Indoors" song started playing, which is exactly what this entry is about. Strange.

These Are My Colors For You

I've met a handful of "famous people". For the most part, they have been American Idol contestants. Throw Lisa Whelchel, Matthew West, Taylor Swift, Lady Antebullum, and Hanson into the mix, and you have it. 90% of the people I have met have been nothing but compassionate toward their fans. I hold a special place in my heart for those who use their fame for good, and many of these people do just that. Whether it's charity work, helping out a fan in need, doing something special for a fan, etc, many of them are out there doing more than making music/writing books. As a fan, I appreciate the time that they take to make people happy. Sometimes it makes me wonder what I would be like if I were famous...

First of all, if I were ever to be famous, I would want it to be for writing a book that helped people. Then I want to go around and speak about it. I know this sounds crazy for someone who is shy and despises talking in front of people, but I really feel like I need to share my story. I feel like there are probably so many young girls going through the same things that I have, and I want them to know that there is a way out. Does that make sense?

Now...if I were to ever reach that level, I would hope that I would be as sweet and cheerful to "fans" (that's just crazy to think about). I would want to spread the word about causes that I am passionate about, like child abuse and neglect and childhood cancer. I would also totally invite myself to be on Oprah. HA.

On the other hand, I think the rest of us sometimes forget that these people are real people too. They have emotions and feelings, they get tired and drained. To expect them to be perfect all the time is ridiculous, and there is so much pressure on celeberties. It's no wonder they have nervous breakdowns, people are constantly wanting to talk to them. It makes me worry about little ones like David Archuleta, who is so young. I know everywhere he goes from now on people will stop and ask for something, and that kind of breaks my heart- he can't live like a normal 18 year old. I know he asked for it and it's his life that he loves, but STILL. It has to be so hard sometimes.

So to every famous person I've met that has smiled and taken the time to chat, I thank you. To those who have gone an extra step and done something for me, for someone I know, or for charity work, I thank you.

I'm terrified of losing Laurence. The world needs him and his ideas. I need him for inspiration. He has planned his own funeral and told Bono when he met him that it would be soon. How sad is that? I'm going to be completly honest- I will need you guys. I know that may sound selfish, morbid, whatever. I will though, I'm just letting you know now.

Okay, I'm exhausted, I have to get ready for the week. I also need to spend some time thinking about everything I heard and learned this weekend. I love you all.

Currently listening to: Jordin Sparks- Colors