Sunday, September 2, 2018

A New Road

Just last week, I started toying with the idea of blogging again. It started when someone commented on an Instagram post and asked if I had ever considered starting a blog or a podcast. I told her that I used to blog, but I stopped because I felt the posts were getting to repetitive, and that I had been using the #365daysofgratitude tag on Instagram for the past couple of years to replace my blog posts. I thought about her comment all week, and by the end of the week, I had come up with an idea for a podcast. I even started jotting down notes and investigating how I could record without spending thousands of dollars on equipment.

At the same time that this was happening, I was reflecting on my amazing summer. I posted a fun slideshow of photos and wrote about how much the experiences I had this summer meant to me, and that I felt truly lucky to have had them.

And then, not even 24 hours after I wrote that post, we found out that my husband lost his job. I felt everything get swept up underneath me as I fell apart. I cried for him, because he truly loved his job, and he worked so hard. I cried for us, because we've had an incredibly difficult newlywed experience already. I cried because I was scared, we have worked really hard to build up our savings to buy a house and I feared losing it all and never getting the house. I worried that this would mean we would delay having kids, and what if we never have kids? I selfishly and maybe childishly cried because we have plans to go to Disney for the very first time in our lives in a few weeks and what if we have to cancel? I cried because he was hurting. I cried because I felt helpless. I cried because I couldn't fix it. I cried because I felt insanely guilty about all those summer adventures I had just spoken so highly of. I cried because my dad isn't here to tell me that it's going to be okay and to give me his best advice. For two solid days, I cried.

Those two days felt like hell. Like I would never get out of that mindset and I would never feel calm again.

But somehow, like I always do, I pulled out of that. I'm not suddenly calm and worry free, but I am confident in the team that Tom and I have built together. We are a unit, we always have been, and we will move forward together. It will not be easy. Anyone who has ever had to search for a job knows how hard it can be. But we will not cave, and we will fight through this together.

I think maybe that's what my dad would have told me. To be there for each other through this. He'd also tell Tom to stand tall and stand proud, and remind him to follow up on applications and send thank you notes when he has interviews. And he'd remind us over and over again, that it will be okay, to take one day at a time.

To me this is another reminder of how surprising life can be. The next big thing, whether it's good or bad, is always around the corner, and you are never fully prepared for what it will be. So while this may test Tom and I in a way we were not expecting, maybe a really grand thing is coming for us. I've got to hold onto hope that our next turn is a bright one. It might be rocky along the way, but knowing that we are by each other's side, picking each other up along the way, is going to be our saving grace.

So here we go.... a new adventure. Maybe this will mean more blogging, maybe it won't. I'm just glad I'm living this life with him, I couldn't imagine it with anyone else.

No comments: