Sunday, November 21, 2010

forget regret

When my year with Mercy Volunteer Corps was coming to a close, someone said "This year will always have an impact on you. It might not happen right away, but it will hit you."

It's happening. Only, not MVC. I don't think that time has come yet. I'm really missing college lately. I graduated in 2009 and then went right into my year of volunteering. Now, I really miss college. This probably comes as a surprise to those who know me quite well, considering I could not wait to get out. But here's the thing I miss it in two different ways...

First, I miss it in that I miss the nights of laughter. Particularly my last two years...when we would have Christmas movie marathons and drink hot chocolate, or spend rainy Sunday's playing RockBand. I miss frat parties and my secret little coffee shop and the spot on East Campus where you can see all of Kalmazoo. I miss watching Greys and Idol with a room full of my best friends. I miss dance parties in the kitchen. I miss driving to the den with Lauren. I miss classes. (Yep. True)

The other side of it is...I've grown up a lot since then. I am a different person. And I just wish I could go back and tell myself how to act, what decisions to make. I miss the good times, and it also makes me sad that I can't go back and change a few things around. No matter how many times I can say "Oh, I wouldn't change anything, it made me who I am, no regrets", deep down I know...I'd do anything to change those circumstances. And I don't really understand what I was supposed to learn from all the sucky things that no one? Because that's what I learned. I learned that even people who call you sister will still stab you in the back. Not a great memory to have from college, friends.

If I could, I would go back in a second. I'd put my hands on my 18 year old selfs shoulders and guide her through the next four years carefully. But I can't do that, so I will try my best to remember the good times I had and be grateful for the bad, even though they leave me bitter, I will try to remember that I am stronger because of them. Forget regret, no day but today.

1 comment:

Shari said... Add Reply

I definitely agree with you. It's hard to understand what "lessons learned" we're supposed to take away from those bad/hurtful experiences, but they're always there, at least on some level. And, at the very least, they can make us appreciate the good ones even more. Maybe that's what changes them from regrets into lessons and help for the future?