As many of you know, my friend Susan was murdered this year. There is no gentle way to put it. It happened five, almost six months ago, and I am still wrapping my head around it. I refuse to delete her number from my phone. Because when I go through my contacts and see her name, I remember her.
She passes through my mind daily. Whether it's my own thoughts or someone asking me "Hey Megan, how are those kids doing?" or the gut wrenching feeling I get when I hear someone say "just shoot me". I think of her. But I have not grieved her. Not fully. I probably never will. I've cried, I've screamed, I've talked about it with people who will listen.
But tonight I did more than think about her. I felt her. That hasn't happened since she died. I was driving home from babysitting. I was having this conversation in my mind- these thoughts coming at me like rapid fire
I can't wait for Mo to have her baby. I can't wait for Maggie to have her baby.
I wonder what I'll do when February comes along. Renew my lease? Maybe by then I'll have myself figured out.
I need to call Alicia.
What if I got in a car accident and lost my memory? (For the record, I watched the Vow last night and am currently reading What Alice Forgot, which has a similar story line).
I'm so proud of Sara for graduating. I need to send her a card.
Kroger is still open? Who goes to Kroger at 11 pm on a Sunday night?
Ugh. Why are people already out for the dream cruise?
My life is so overwhelming and yet totally underwhelming all at the same time.
It was about here that I turned down the main road to get to my street. And this is when I felt Susan. I saw her smiling face. I heard her tell me "breathe". And right there at the red light on Adams and Lincoln, I started to cry. It was so overwhelming that the second I got into my house I ran to my laptop to write this. Why? I guess because I know a lot of people out there are grieving losses. And I want you to know, you're not alone. Sometimes you'll be sitting at a red light and start to cry because you miss that person. Be patient with yourself. We're all in this together.