Happy Birthday, Laurence

Dear Laurence,

Happy Birthday.

I really went back and forth on whether or not to write a blog in honor of your birthday. I have done it for the last two years, and have several other blogs about you. I thought -eh- my readers know about Laurence. They know I miss him. They know how special he was.

And then I woke up.

Because your life, your mission, is always new to someone. Maybe someone will stumble on this blog and want to know more about you, so they'll ask and do some research and once again someone will be inspired by your story. Maybe it will change another life. Maybe it will motivate someone to get out and help somebody else.

Because, if a 15 year old with Stage 4 brain cancer can make a difference, anyone can.

Sometime last year, your name started to make local news headlines again. Your guitar was put on display at the UofM hospital and people were talking about you, and all the money you raised for the One Campaign. Some of my coworkers even heard about it, and we'd have lengthy discussions at lunch. Once one of them called me from her car because she heard them talking about you on NPR. That was pretty cool, you know? To have a reminder that your legacy and inspiration live on.

In some ways, I feel like I have failed you and your family, because I still haven't finished that book I started writing about you. I have a lot written, but I always get frustrated with myself, thinking it's not good enough, and then I quit. I should keep going. I don't think it will ever be too late. Even if one other person besides me reads it, it won't be too late. Right?  I should keep writing. For you. My beautiful cousin who's spirit lives on.

You know, last summer your beautiful Grandma Mary Ann gave me this picture she found:

It's so perfect, the two of us playing in the sand at Ft. Walton. We have some years in between us in age, but that didn't matter. I loved spending time with you. Even back then, you were a little ray of sunshine in my life. I probably didn't fully appreciate it then, and you probably never knew, but my moments with you were my favorites of the Florida trip. You would look at me with that adorable face and ask me a million questions. You loved to learn. And I loved to teach you. But later, when you were sick, I learned more from you than I ever would have possibly imagined. You were the greatest teacher I ever had, and I never sat in your classroom.

I spent about 15-20 minutes staring at this picture this morning. In fact, I was late to the gym because of it. But I couldn't help it. Part of me was reflecting on the memories, part of me was praying, and part of me was desperately seeking something in the picture to comfort me, to remind me that you are still here somehow.

I found it.

First of all, your hand, although I know it is holding a shovel, is positioned close to my chest- my heart. My head is down and I am kneeling. While I was staring at the picture, I couldn't help but to think- it looks like you are praying for me, or with me. You are looking at me intently. I know to others this may seem odd, and they may even roll their eyes and think "Megan. They simply captured a moment of you two building a sandcastle". But today, that's not how I see it. Today, I see it as two people praying together, you comforting me.

Do you know that I usually don't like building sandcastles/playing in the sand? I would avoid it all costs. I much preferred to be in the water. Bonny, my Godmother, used to call me "The Fish" on our family vacations because I never left the water. So the simple fact that you got me to build a sandcastle with you says a heck of a lot about your influence on me, kiddo.

Happy Birthday, Laurence. Know that you continue to live on with me in my heart. I promise to finish the book. I promise to keep building sandcastles.

Love, Megan


FOR MY READERS:

I am doing a short walk in honor of Laurence on September 21st. You can get more details here if you are interested in walking. If you want to donate in honor of him, let me know. I will send you to the right place.

If you have not read about Laurence before in my blog, and want to learn more, check out this post.

Or, do a simple Google search for "Laurence Carolin".

Weight Loss Wednesday: Week 10

My pants are too big. Like, almost falling off of me big. I used to be able to wear my black capri's without pulling them up, now I worry they are just gonna drop. I can't afford new clothes right now, so I am going to have to get creative.

I am down 13 lbs total. I can't wait to hit that 15 lb mark! I also can't wait to go back to my doctor. I know she's going to be so proud.

I wanted to talk about something that hit the news this week. A 14 year  old girl was shopping in Rue 21 for perfume when she was asked to leave because she was "too fat". The store has sort of responded, saying they are aware of the situation and working to figure out exactly what happened.

Although I have never been asked to leave a store, I have been in this situation before. Except I never told anyone...until now.

Oddly enough, it was the same store. Rue 21. I was 15 and shopping with my friends. They were all trying clothes on and I was waiting for them, pretending to look interested in the jewelery but really just anxious to get out of there. It was obvious I was waiting, my friends kept coming out to show me stuff and I'd mutter "cute" and tap my feet. I knew I couldn't fit in the clothes so there was no point to me trying. One of the employees, who was not much older than me at the time, came over and actually said, outloud "Sucks to be the fat one, huh?". I swear to you, she said that. I was mortified. I didn't even respond to her, I just walked away and waited for my friends. I've hated that store ever since.

I always hated shopping with my friends. Always. They were smaller than me. I wasn't even that overweight in high school- I gained most of my weight in college- but I was bigger than them, with broad shoulders, wide hips, etc. I could not fit into clothes at Rue 21, Express, or Abercrombie, which were all stores my friends loved. I had to pretend like I just didn't want to buy anything. I told people I didn't want to spend money or that I didn't like anything in the store. In reality, it was that they didn't fit me. And I wasn't going to ask my friends if we could go to Old Navy or Torrid because they actually carried my size. I just stood back and went along with it.

This is something that has continued through my adult life. Even now, I don't shop at most of the same stores my friends do. But again, I'm not gonna be the girl that says "you guys go ahead and go into Express, I'm going to Lane Bryant". It's embarrassing. I already know I'm the big girl, I don't need to make a point of expressing it.

The thing is though, feeling awkward/embarrassed about not fitting into clothes is my own issue. My weight is mine, no one else's. So not fitting into clothes is not the problem here. It's the fact that someone said something to me, and someone said something to this little girl too. WE KNOW. We know we can't fit into your clothes. You do not need to point it out!

I was 15 when a store employee actually pointed it out to me. As if I needed another reminder. I never told anyone, not even my parents. It hurt my feelings terribly, and I always feel like it's going to happen again, but I never said anything. My story did not make news headlines. It happened, and it sucked.

It happens all the time, people. I feel horribly for this little girl, all she was trying to do was spend her birthday money. And the fact that they asked her to leave is disgusting. It's discrimination. It's wrong.

I know this is sort of off topic from my usual weight loss Wednesday post, and a rant rather than an inspirational post, but I hope it at least made you think, or helped someone who has also been in this position.

September Weight Loss Journey Goals
-No alcohol (yep. Changing it to ALL of September except 9/28.)
-No fries (something Sam and I are doing together).
-Get too 100 lbs on the row machine
-30 full minutes on the elliptical
-5.5 miles on the bike

Tuesday Tunes: Erika Van Pelt.

I know most of my facebook pals will see the title of my blog for today and decide not to click on it. It's probably not something that interests them. They, unless they are an Idol fan, do not know who Erika is. But if you clicked out of curiosity, I thank you. Because I want to introduce you to Erika.

This is Erika. Watch.

 

Yeah. She has a killer voice, right? Right. She was on American Idol Season 11, eliminated far too song, has mega talent and a loveable personality. She's chill, hard working, and passionate.

 

I want you to consider donating to her Kickstarter. She's working incredibly hard to make her debut album, independently, and needs all the help that she can get. She is trying to raise 20,000.

 

Why should you, someone who doesn't know Erika, donate? Because if you believe in music, if you believe in a girl who is working her tail off to get some good music out there, it will be worth it. This girl has pipes, but more than that she lives and breathes music. So I know, I just know, that this album will be incredible.

 

If you are reading this and you know me, Megan, then let me add a little personal twist to my plea. Erika is one of my favorite contestants ever. Her season was one of my favorites. I loved pretty much everyone, but especially Erika, Josh, and Elise. Erika was special in that she had this incredible energy level about her, it was obvious how happy she was to be on the show, and she was always gracious. That summer, when the Idols went on tour, I took my mom to see the show. Erika's solo performance, which I posted above, was a cover of Pink's "Glitter In the Air". That, my friends, was my choice solo for her. I desperately wanted to hear her do it on tour, and she did. It was beautiful, and gave me goosebumps. It's my favorite Pink song because it describes anxiety to a tee, and if you follow the blog closely you know by now how much anxiety consumes my life. So for Erika, one of my favorites, to sing that song, it helped me to know that I was not alone. Later that summer, I had my tonsils out. Now I know this seems silly to a lot of people, but my recovery process took a HUGE toll on me. Laying in bed for three weeks, not eating, not sleeping, and not talking really does something to a person. I fell into a really, really weird funk. I did not feel like myself, I felt lazy and sad. I wanted out of my own skin. It was one of the strangest things I have ever gone through. At the same time that this was happening, I was going through a rough time with a guy who I thought really liked me. We had been talking, and the day of my surgery he never once texted or called to wish me luck or ask if I was okay or needed anything. Then a few days later, he puts on Facebook that he's in a relationship with some other girl. So I was already miserable and lonely from the tonsillectomy, and then this was added on. But who was there? Erika, and her best friend Jessica, who I had connected with via twitter. Erika was there for me in the musical sense- I would YouTube tour performances of "Glitter in the Air" and watch interviews from tour. She was so happy and so confident, full of zest. Jessica and I would have lengthy convos, and to this day Jess will never know how much that friendship meant to me. She didn't even know about my guy troubles, she just knew I wasn't feeling my greatest. I'll never forget those few weeks, and can honestly say that the two of them saved my summer, even if it was from a distance. Back then I didn't have Lauren and Sam, I really didn't do much socially. Erika and Jessica helped turn around my attitude, make me feel whole again.

 

So yeah. Please, please, please consider donating to Erika's kickstarter. I know how it is. Money is tight. I'm in that position also. I wish I could donate more to this project, which is why I'm reaching out to my family, friends, and blog readers to consider chipping in. Even $10 will help.

 

Donate here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1249130374/erika-van-pelts-debut-album-my-independence

 

Jess, Thank you. God bless you girl!

 

Erika, rock on girl. I am ecstatic to hear "Hurricane" when it is released and I will do what I can to fully support the album and your music. Thank you for everything.

 

 

A Little Bit of Summer Makes A Lot of History

It's September 2nd. The weather is going to cool down this week. Kids are going back to school. Football has started. Starbucks is selling Pumpkin Spice Latte's again.

Guys, summer is over.

Officially.

Now, I work full time, so I don't really get a "summer" in the sense that most people think of. I can't sleep in until 10 every day, walk over to the pool, hang out poolside all day, and come back and nap on the couch with a sunburn. Instead I wake up at 5, go to the gym, then work from 8-5, sometimes longer. But I had the weekends.

So I guess summer officially starts in June, right? If that's the case, then here are my summer memories.

JP and Sara visit: My cooky brother and lovely sister in law came the first weekend in June. It's always a blast with those two around. They, along with my sister and mom, came to visit me at work. We all cooked a lovely dinner together Friday night. On Saturday (also the day we got our cat!), they came over and partied with us, my friends Dave and Katie, Alex, and Krystin. We had an amazing time, drinking, laughing, and playing games. I honest had so much fun that night and with my brother. That Sunday was Father's Day and we enjoyed  a lovely meal out.

Lizz and Brett Visit: Sam's BFF from home and my sister from another mister came to visit us in June with her husband Brett. More laughs were shared. We played guitar (well, Brett played and we watched him and sang along), walked in the rain, played games. Those two absolutely crack me up. They need to come back again soon.

Kelly Clarkson Concert: Even though this day was a hot freaking mess, Sam and I still managed to have a really good time. Sure, we missed out and meet and greets and sure, our concert was cut due to insane rain storms, but we got to see our fave gal rocking the stage and we had fun. We were close to the stage, Kell Kell waved to us and sang with us. I'll never forget that night, and I think my clothes are still soaked from all the rain!

4th of July Weekend: Despite my credit card number being stolen this weekend, we had a damn good rocking time. Our friend Brenna came in for the weekend. We grilled, cooked, baked, drank, blasted music, played with sparklers, ran around, and just had an amazing time. So happy, so full of life and love.

Ellie Goulding/Bruno Mars Concert: I had been looking forward to this for MONTHS! They are two of my all time favorite artists and I had never seen either of them live before. We walked in just as Ellie took the stage and I was jammin. Her songs are absoutley amazing and that girl can perform. And Bruno was just out of this world. I was seriously in a different element when I was watching him. It felt like I was the only person in the room and I was moving like crazy. He was amazing. Honestly. this evening was probably the best night of my summer.

Up North Trip with my Girls: Ah, such an amazing, fun, laughter filled weekend. We absolutely had the BEST time. I made new friends, laughed till my belly hurt, rode 8 miles on a bike around the island, grilled brauts with Lauren, MADE A FIRE, sang along to Disney songs. It was the happiest I had been in a while. Loved it, loved it. LOVED IT. Wish I could go back!

Birthday: So yeah, I turned 26 this summer. My real birthday celebration was going up north with my friends. But on my actual birthday I was surrounded by family and friends. We had dinner, I got some amazing gifts. I was happy happy happy. My work friend Ashley had the Taylor Swift Vinyl sent to my office. My friends and family treated me like a princess.

Christine's Bridal Shower: Had so much fun spending the day with Christine and Paul's family members and watching how happy my BFF was to be surrounded by her family and friends, preparing for her big wedding day.

Tiger's Game with my Church Group: I got involved in the young adult group at my church, and the Tigers game was one of our activities. I got to bring Tom with me, and we had a lot of fun even though the Tigers lost. He even bought me a stuffed Paws to make up for the Tigers loss :)

Dream Cruise Night: Sam, Lauren, Chris, Tom, and I spent dream cruise evening grilling outside, chowing down on delicious foods, walking on Woodward, and playing ROCKBAND. We had a lovely time. It was so chill, so fun, so full of laughs.

Crashing A Bachelorette Party: Lauren took Sam and I with her to her friends party. We didn't know the bride to be, but we made ourselves at home on the party bust, turned up the jams and had an amazing night!

Summer Softball: I absolutely love my softball team. They are the best. We've been playing together for a while, and some players have left and we've adopted new ones, but we're a team, and we act like it. Some of those people are like siblings to me. Plus I have my sister and Dave playing, and my parents as our "coaches". We had a hell of a season and wound up in 2nd place overall. I can't wait until next year.

Losing 10 lbs: My weight was becoming a problem. A big, big problem It was affecting my physical health. My mental health was causing the weight gain. I was in a horrible spot, physically and mentally. Most don't even know how bad it was. So far me to say that I have lost 10 lbs this summer, and am well on my way to losing more, is a huge accomplishment and something that make me very, very happy. My lifestyle has changed. I am better. I am healthier.

Christine's Bachelorette Party: And finally, this past weekend packed away all the summer memories. Christine, Michelle and I headed across the state to Lake Michigan for the weekend. We had a very relaxing, lovely time, spending time on the beach, at the casino, chowing down, etc. I know it's what Christine needed to refuel before she does all the last minute wedding stuff, and I'm glad we could give her a quiet, relaxing weekend. So much fun!

 I had an amazing summer. I'd like to thank everyone who was on the list that made me giggle, made me forget my problems.  Especially my roommates who were with me for almost every summer moment (seriously. Almost every single one), who made me laugh hysterically every night, who helped me have a beautiful birthday and who listen to everything I carry on about. I also want to thank Tom, who was also there for me through everything and who got me the best birthday present I have ever gotten: a record player. I could not be more grateful.

And finally, I want to thank my parents who push me and support me every single day. I have the greatest parents in the world.

So long, sweet summer 2013. Thanks for the memories.