Belief Makes Things Real

First things first- so many people have told me that they read my blog- I appreciate that so much! I’m glad people are interested in what I’m doing. So hello, readers! Leave a comment so I know who you are :-)

Yesterday and today were kind of stressful. I had some high moments for sure, but my third period study hall gives me such high anxiety. They literally DO NOT stop talking, and not only are they talking, but at a very high volume. No matter what I try, they don’t stop. My stomach is in knots the whole time, my head pounds, and I just get so anxious and frustrated. It has gotten to the point where I literally dread going to that class, which is miserable for me AND the students. Today 12 of them were pulled out for testing and it made a huge difference. I wish every day could be like that! Also, I’ve been doing a lot of counseling and peer mediation the past two days…I can’t even tell you how many times I heard “Miss Carolin can I talk to you about something?” today. I love helping them, and when I see a significant difference in the kids it makes up for everything, but I did have a peer mediation session that didn’t go well and I’m afraid will blow up. I know it’s not my fault and that I can’t save the world, but it was still stressful. I had a total "Tyra moment" with one of my students. You know that time on Top Model when she screamed at a contestant about how she cared about her and was pulling for her and then the contestant just disapointed her? Yeah, I did that to someone. I made her cry. She finally said "I know you care about me, Miss Carolin. I know I can come to you whenever I need anything". I had a mini breakdown in the stairwell after school. I was telling two other staff members about my challenges and then about Laurence and I tried to stop my voice from cracking and the tears from coming but it happened. Thankfully they were SO supportive and helpful. Two students walked in and saw me, immediately gave me hugs and asked if I needed anything. Love that!

Of course, the positive things will forever outdo the negative. For the student workers who went out of their way to help me today, thank you. For the sophomore girls who told me that my hair looked pretty, thank you. To the boys who ALWAYS help me carry stuff down from the cafeteria, thank you. To Omar, who made me laugh when he said “Miss Carolin, back in the day, did you used to get down” and continued to do the Soulja Boy, thank you. You all made me smile. Also, now that I am helping (I’d say teaching, but these kids are the ones teaching ME) with a creative writing class, I’ve been more into journaling, poetry, song writing, etc than ever. I’ve been researching “writing prompts” for my class and found some amazing ideas. I love reading what they write. Today I had a student who was very unenthusiastic about the class when arriving. She didn’t feel like writing and had a pretty negative attitude. I encouraged her to write how she was feeling about ANYTHING. She ended up writing a beautiful poem about having a “crush” on someone who doesn’t like you back. As juvenile as that may sound, it was honestly haunting. Her emotions were just right out there, so raw. I was proud of her!

I’m going to post two things I have written recently! Haven’t done this in a while, eh? The first one is really opening up my heart. I don’t want any questions asked or assumptions made. Ha. Thanks.

Before I knew you love didn’t exist
Now when you sing those songs
When you give me that look
I know what love feels like
It makes my heart stop
I’m in awe of your perfection

Never felt so sure of anyone before
I just need you here by my side
Can’t you just come here now?
I’m sick of the constant tiptoes
We both know what’s there

It’s when you sing those songs
That feel specially written for me
It’s obvious when our eyes lock in that stare
I need to be with you

How could you make promises of tomorrow
Then leave me alone for so long
I need you here with me
To sing me a song

Without you love does not exist
I slowly break down
Don’t let me shatter
Come and sing me a song.

This one I wrote for my students…it’s a work in progress, I want to add more:

Walking down the road alone
With no one reaching out for you
You feel so lost and broken
You put on a face of a hero so they won’t see
Well kid, you don’t fool me
You’ve got it in you
To become so much more
Take a chance and dare to dream
You could be so much better than those who left you
Those who hurt you, those that didn’t believe
Have faith in yourself and keep on pushing through
All these walls that surround you
Don’t let anything hold you back
From being the best you that you dream to be
The pain you feel now doesn’t have to last forever
You’ve got the choice; it’s up to you to change
Stand up, be strong, and put a smile on that face
Prove them wrong, show them the you that you know you can be

New Music!

I haven’t done a “new music post” in a while, so I have some albums to discuss…and by some, I mean many.

Jason Castro announced today that his album will NOT be released in November, but rather next year. I’m so disappointed! I was all excited for new Jason music. He’s one of my favorites ever, and I really believe that his album will be one of my favorites. Anyways, his first single was released in September, and I loved it! It is so perfect for him. I really hope he continues to make music because there is something so special about his voice. Download his single “Let’s Just Fall In Love Again” and keep your ears open for updates!

Bethany Dillon’s album was released in September also. I first heard of her via suggestion from Mandisa, and I love her music. She’s a young Christian artist and all of her songs have a wonderful message. “Get Up and Walk” relates very closely to my life story, so that’s probably my favorite song.

Next up is the Boys Like Girls album. It is such a good pop/rock album. They are a good band, I’m glad I got into them. Their single “Love Drunk” is a good example of their typical music, but my favorite songs are “Two Is Better Than One” (exactly how I feel about someone) and “Go” because it’s inspiring- I want to play it for my students!

Howie Day…I had no idea that he was releasing a new album until I found it on Amazon. It’s so amazing and I am ecstatic that he is touring with Colbie- perfect match. Favorite song is “Be There”.

I first saw Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers when they opened for Hanson. I digged their music, and have bought all their albums since. The one that they released in September is awesome. It’s indie/acoustic/rock-ish. Ha. I love it! Favorite song is “See Yourself”- another inspirational one, paired with an amazing voice.

Next is Landon Pigg (wow, lots of male artists this time around!) You may know recognize his voice from an ATT commercial- “Falling in Love in A Coffee Shop”. I love all his songs, but my favorite is probably “The Boy Who Never”.

I downloaded Blake’s new album today. To be honest, I was a fan of his first album. There were a lot of songs I listened to frequently. This one is pretty decent, I don’t like as many of the songs. My favorite is for SURE “The Point”, which has no techno or beat boxing. Love it!

Finally, my first Christmas album downloads of the year- Anthony Evans! Oh it’s so good, I love this guy. What a great soulful voice! He puts his own spin on great Christmas songs. I can’t quite pick a favorite yet!

The end 

Have A Little Faith

I asked my peer mediation class two questions yesterday: How do you WANT to be remembered, and IF you continue to live your life the way you are now, how WILL YOU be remembered? I asked them this because I want them to know that whatever they are unhappy with right now, they have the power to change those aspects of life.

It wasn’t too long ago when I had to change my direction. A few years ago I had to take a step back from my life and realize that if I continued, none of my goals would be accomplished. It’s taken me those few years to rebuild myself into the person that I want to be. It took prayer, it took the influence of other people, but I did it. I can honestly sit here and tell you that I am happy with myself. I have weaknesses, I have faults. There are things that I work on every single day, but the difference now is I ACTUALLY work on them, instead of telling myself I should or just thinking about it. Sometimes it even scares me a little to think how different I am right now than I was two years ago. It may have to do with getting older and becoming more mature and responsible, but it’s also because I pushed myself to stray away from negative influences and fill my life with positivity.

No one should control your life except for you and God. You’re a team, working together to be the best person that you can be. Don’t let silly little things that will just make you feel worse in the long run become a priority. This may mean that you have to step away from people who bring negativity into your life, you may have to completely change your lifestyle…but wouldn’t you rather feel happy and at peace then anxious and irresponsible? Take the first step…it can be scary, but I promise you it’s worth it.

You don’t have to believe in God for me to tell you that He loves you unconditionally. Try talking to Him, you may be surprised what you find out. It’s time you start being positive and keep an open mind rather than shut away from the world and live your life like it’s a waste. Your life is precious, treat it like so. Don’t poison your mind and body anymore. You may think you don’t deserve it, but you do. Every single person on this earth deserves a chance to be great, to accomplish their goals. All you need is a little encouragement and a little prayer.

I feel like an ad for a motivational speaker right now, but HONESTLY if anyone needs to talk further about this topic, let me know. I am a prime example of someone who was getting closer and closer to failure- emotionally, physically, mentally. Now I’m loving life and accepting my strengths AND my flaws! Come join me!

Lisa Whelchel

I have clear, distinct memories of myself at the age of thirteen. I was shy, sensitive, and sweet. I often went along with whatever my friends were doing in fear of feeling different. I enjoyed school for the academic part; I loved learning new things and reading. After school I would come home and finish all my homework to allow me to spend time with my family. The best part of those days, however, were the nights when I would make myself a bowl of cookie dough ice cream and plop on the couch for my favorite TV show. While all my friends were at home listening to N*Sync or watching trashy MTV shows, I was dancing around my living room to the Facts of Life theme song. The show ended its run before I was even born, so it may seem unusual that I enjoyed it so much. Although it was older, the topics they touched on were all the same challenges I faced. Little parts of me identified with each character, I loved being able to find myself in the conversations they shared. Although I didn’t always identify with Blair, she had characteristics I strived for. I envied her confidence and honesty, as I had never been a big fan of myself. I admired Blair, she made me laugh until my stomach hurt, and when she dealt with obstacles; my heart went out to her. I became slightly addicted to the show and was deeply disappointed when it got pulled off Nick at Night. My one hour of happiness each evening was eliminated, but I never forgot the lessons I learned from the Facts of Life.

Let’s flash forward a few years: During college, I went through rough times with myself and my faith. I battled depression, social anxiety, and questioned God’s love. Luckily, God answered my cries by sending people into my life that helped pull me out of that dark time. One of these people was American Idol finalist Mandisa. She helped me to overcome a food addiction and to understand my faith a little clearer. Although she had (and continues to) helped me immensely, I still had something missing. Shortly after graduating from college, I would describe myself as a “lost, confused young woman”. I was anxious about the next steps I was taking in life and trusted very few people. One weekend, I decided to volunteer at a Women of Faith event in Cleveland, OH. I was a volunteer because I wanted to see Mandisa, but couldn’t afford the ticket price. In all honesty, I wasn’t expecting much. I was excited to hear a handful of speakers and listen to good music, but wasn’t expecting to walk away the changed person that I did. I could go on and on about how remarkable this organization is, I’m just blessed I was able to be a part of it!

All the volunteers were gathered around getting our assignments for the day when someone brought up the name Lisa Whelchel. I immediately recognized the name as “the actress who played Blair in Facts of Life”. My quiet, shy self suddenly yelped “WAIT. She’s going to BE HERE?” The other volunteers giggled at my excitement “You’re too young to know who that is!” they accused. I explained my love for Facts of Life, and everyone became excited for me. That’s another wonderful thing about Women of Faith- everyone there is so supportive of one another.

I had the lovely job of making sure no women went in the one men’s bathroom for the majority of the conference. As I was sitting out on the concourse of the venue, I heard the video package for Lisa. I recognized Mandisa’s voice singing the theme song. My heart started sinking; I knew I wouldn’t be able to hear most of her talk. Two seconds later, my friend Holly came running out of the arena “You go in there, you wanted to hear her!” I jumped out of my chair and sat down to hear Lisa talk. What I heard was so inspiring. I never knew the pain and suffering that she dealt with while she was filming the show. I was inspired by her honesty with us and how she let us know that she once needed to open up her heart, and encouraged everyone in the audience to find that one person who will be there to support you and be there for you through everything in life. Here I was, sitting in an arena full of Christian women, listening to my childhood hero talk about her faith, family, and the Facts of Life. I couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the weekend; I had been so touched by Lisa’s words. She ignited something in me that made me want to change.

After the speakers were done for the day, the volunteers were asked to stand at the “talent table”. Basically, we were to stand in the meet and greet lines for the speakers/artists and do crowd control. I loved this job, as someone who is fascinated by the entertainment industry. Because everyone knew that I knew Mandisa, they allowed me to work her line. I looked over and saw that they were putting up a sign for Lisa Whelchel to sign as well. I stood there watching two of my idols meeting fans and sharing quick words of wisdom. I thanked God for blessing me with this opportunity. As Lisa’s line came to an end, I hopped on over. She was in a rush to get to the airport, so all I was able to communicate was “I’m a huge fan and LOVED your talk”. I couldn’t say that she had just inspired and motivated me, or that her values and ideals sparked something so big in me. I could just smile and get a quick picture with her.

I look back at that picture now and do just that- smile. After returning home from Women of Faith I read one of Lisa’s books and was even further touched by her testimony. She truly is an amazing child of God, and I can attribute my positive attitude and openness to love and listen to Lisa’s words. It is also because of her writing and talk that I am inspired to write. If I could impact one person the way Lisa has impacted me, I will feel accomplished in my goals and dreams.