Keep In This Fight

Because I had to work on Saturday, I was lucky enough to have this afternoon off. I knew exactly what I was going to do with my time: Laundry, grocery shop, go for a run, and do yoga. I had been in the habit of running once a week for several months, but once it got cold outside, that came to a bit of a standstill. I was also doing yoga pretty regularly, but due to schedule conflicts I haven't made it to a class in a while.

So with the sun shining and a yoga class booked at a small studio, (my gym doesn't have Yoga on Monday nights, and I really needed to stretch), I headed out. Of course, by the time I got to the running route I had seeked out on the Internet, the sun went away. But I didn't let that stop me. I ran my three miles. A little slower than normal, but I managed to run it under 40 minutes, which was my goal with the colder weather, lots of layers and the unknown route.

I had just enough time to sit in a little cafe and relax and catch my breath before yoga. As I mentioned, I had never visited this studio before, but I decided to give it a try today. I walked in to the space and was greeted by the owners, who took my information and showed me around. I peeled off my layers from the run and found a space on the floor. Although, I must admit, I was quite overwhelmed. It was a really tiny space, everyone seemed to know one another quite well, and the heater was on in the yoga room. I don't do well in heat, and I immediately started to sweat, and to worry that I wasn't going to be able to do the class.

The yoga instructor began by introducing me, and then asked the rest of the class "when was the last time you walked into a brand new place? Were you nervous, anxious?". She must have seen those emotions on me. We began our class. Now, the class was titled "slow burn" and I signed up because I figured it would be a slower, gentle class. I'm not very wise on yoga terms. For the record, slow does not equal easy.

I've taken a handful of yoga classes...including a few that had the heat on, like this class tonight. But this class was, hands down, the most challenging class to date. Our instructor really pushed us, calling out for tough poses that demanded balance, strength, and flexibility. There was one pose in particular that I simply couldn't get. She came over to me and told me not to think about it, to just do it. But of course, me being me, I couldn't NOT think about it. I didn't complete the pose. But I tried. With shaky legs.

Then our instructor declared it was going to be a "wall" class. This meant that many of our poses used the wall as a prop. I knew this was going to be a challenge for me because I have weak hamstrings. Plus, I had just run three miles. I was right. It was a challenge. My legs did not want to straighten out on the wall, they were constantly shaking, and I lost my balance quite a few times. I felt embarrassed. I mean- I'm strong! I lift weights! Why can't I do these poses? But just as I was thinking that, the instructor said "yoga is a time for you to try new things, and to laugh at yourself while you're doing them. You don't have to be perfect". With that in mind, I pushed through. I wasn't super successful and I had to go back into child's pose when my legs couldn't take it anymore. But damn it, I tried.

When class was ending, the instructor said, to all of us "I bet you don't feel nervous anymore. There's no more room for jitters". She was right. For as anxious and overwhelmed as I had been when I first walked in, all of those feelings were gone. I had left them on the mat. Where they belong.

I'm telling you this story for a reason. I know no one out there is dying to hear about my yoga escapades.

For the past week or so, I have been struggling with this uncomfortable emotion of feeling "not good enough". I can pin point where this came from, or even why, it's just something I've been feeling. In this Yoga class tonight, I KNEW I wouldn't be very good, and I was right. And guess what? It felt amazing. It was OKAY to not be good enough. Because I tried, shaky legs and all. And if you ask me, that's what counts. That we try our best to be good people, to care for ourselves and those around us, and to work hard. We may not always nail it, and we may shake or lose our balance or fall off the tightrope here and there, but we have to just keep going, keep trying, and to accept ourselves as who we are. And to know that everyone else around us is simply trying their best, too.

Cheesy as this may sound, I know that I was meant to go to this yoga class tonight. I needed a place to clear my head, and I needed something to challenge me and to show me that mistakes are okay. This class did that for me.

2 years.

Tomorrow is June 8th. You're probably wondering why I'm telling you that, because, most likely, you already know that. (If you didn't, you're welcome!)

But June 8th is an extremely important date in my life.

It started with this:

Staying at my parents house for the night. This 8 hour dizziness has everyone a little worried thanks for prayers guys

— Megan Elizabeth (@mcaro05) June 9, 2013

June 8th, 2013, is the day that I decided (with the help of my parents and a few close friends) to lose weight. That statement in itself is enough of a celebration. It's been two years on a weight loss journey, I am down a whopping 116 lbs because of it. I have dropped 5 sizes. I can move faster, lift heavier weights, and I have built endurance.

But, this is so much more than about the weight loss, you guys.

This is about 2 years of being in recovery.

If you've been reading this blog for two years or longer you know the struggle I've had in the past with food- and how I used to turn to it for everything. Anxiety, anger, loneliness, happiness, comfort. Whatever my emotion, I matched it by eating. Prior to June 8th, 2013, I was consuming over 2,000 calories a day. Most of my meals consisted of fast food, or packaged crud. I snacked on chips, candy, fries, ice cream, etc. I made special trips to the store just to purchase something that I could binge on later. All because I didn't know how else to deal with my emotions. All because I found comfort in food, and in my mind, the only way to "feel better", or to "celebrate", was with food. There were times I was so anxious before a party that I would eat a full meal before I left, only to continue eating at the party, and eating again afterwards as I picked apart everything I said, worrying that maybe I made someone mad or upset with me.

But now it's been 2 years. Two years since I have had a binge, two years of saying "no thank you" when offered trigger foods, two years CLEAN and FREE.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I being so open about an issue that I could choose to keep private?

Because I'm not ashamed. It's not something that is easy to talk about, nor is it fun, but it's a part of my history. And I am so proud of myself for choosing to put that path behind me, and to have been able to move past it.

When my dad was so sick, a few of my friends made comments that they firmly believe I wouldn't have been able to get through those months had I not been the healthy version of me that I was. I 100% agree. I'm sure I would have made it through, somehow...but it would have been 10 times harder. That's just one example. The simple fact that I was able to make it through those horrendous times WITHOUT food as my escape is a miracle and a sign of how strong and resilient I have become.

So June 8th is not just any ordinary day. And it's not simply the day I started losing weight. It's the day I began to recover. It's the day I chose to become a warrior against something that was holding me back. It's the day that I was set free.

June 8th, for me, is almost like a second birthday celebration, except without the facebook wishes and texts to prove it. It's a day for me to celebrate ME and my recovery. I took tomorrow off of work. Could seem dramatic, but I've got over 100 hours of PTO that I need to start using. And my workplace is all about celebrating birthday's. For me, June 8th is a reminder that because I've chosen this journey. I WILL get to have more birthday's.

How will I celebrate tomorrow? By treating myself well. I will probably do yoga, and go to my Monday night kickboxing class. I'll go to the grocery store and get my healthy groceries for the week. I'll do some writing. I'll send messages to the people who heard my cry for help back in 2014 and answered them by helping me get on the right track. But mostly, I'll just sit with my thoughts, and just be at peace. Peace....the one thing I've always wanted in my life. The one thing I never thought I would have. But now I do. Not constantly, of course, there are days when things aren't so great. But the difference is, I can always find my peace again. And I don't need food to do it.

I want to thank every single person who was supported me through this journey. There really are no words I can say that would properly express how I feel for all of my fantastic family and friends who have been there with me. I never expected to have this much love and support shown toward me- even if it's just a "like" on Facebook or Instagram. You are all beautiful people and I want you to know that you are capable of achieving whatever it is you set your mind to. Our souls are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and just when we think "I can't", there is a little spark inside that ignites that replies "I will".