Friday, November 20, 2009

Baby I'm A Mess

I haven't vented in a while on a blog. I'm going to vent.

I'm tired. I come home every day mentally and physically exhausted from the day. I'm tired of pushing these kids as hard as I can to be motivated and care about their grades and attitude and seeing no change or slight changes that only last a few moments. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing something wrong when I can't get a class to be quiet or behave. I'm tired of feeling looked down on. I'm tired of having to miss out on school masses and assemblies because I'm "just a volunteer" yet being required to attend other things because... I'm "just a volunteer".

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I love the kids and to be perfectly honest, I'd say most of them love me too (I realize that sounds egotistical...I'm venting, okay? HA). I'm just getting burned out. I think it's only appropriate that this time has come shortly before Thanksgiving and Christmas break.

My mom called me last night, because she can always tell when I'm struggling. She says she can't imagine what I deal with every day with these kids, and that I just need my mama. She's right. I LOVE my community members, but I do need time at home with my family.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, as I said I love my job. I'm just feeling the weight of being a young volunteer in a very stressful atmosphere.

There's still lots to be thankful for!
-People who I look up to to be able to help me out and lead the way, who give me advice.
-Knowing that I can easily get help when needed.
-Our neighbor Frank who never fails to make me laugh.
-Meg Mal, who came to visit me on Wednesday and took me out to dinner in Mexicantown.
-The students who are shy and timid, but smile politley and are sweet.
-A warm house and bed- this is runaway month, and the amount of teen homeless runaways is so scary!
-My amazing family who I get to spend Thanksgiving with! 34 of us eating good food and playing football. Can't wait!
-Our support people! I was supposed to do Coffee with Amy this morning but our schedule got all kinds of messed up.
-The movie "up". I took over the movies extracurricular and had the class watch that movie. It's so beautiful <3
-The boys at the school who always help me carry milk up 3 flights of stairs and garbage down 3 flights and to the dumpster.

I am thankful today for my mommy. Like I said, she called me last night so we could both vent, and I know she is worried about me. I love my mom...she's fantastic. On Monday night, she was invited to go speak at University of Michigan on a teacher's panel. My best friend Alex went to support her and when Alex and I had a conversation about it later, he said "I mean how could anyone be in a classroom with your mom and not think she is the most amazing teacher ever". It's true, she is the most amazing teacher ever, your argument in invalid. I model my life after her, because she has inspired so many people. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "your mom is the best teacher in this school" my different parents. She has been through a lot of internal struggles, but she pulls through and remains strong. She has her own way of letting us know that she cares about us and loves us. Whenever I'm sick or sad, I just want my mommy. She takes care of me, she loves me unconditionally, and she supports every step I take. She's the best. End of story.

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