Belief Makes Things Real

First things first- so many people have told me that they read my blog- I appreciate that so much! I’m glad people are interested in what I’m doing. So hello, readers! Leave a comment so I know who you are :-)

Yesterday and today were kind of stressful. I had some high moments for sure, but my third period study hall gives me such high anxiety. They literally DO NOT stop talking, and not only are they talking, but at a very high volume. No matter what I try, they don’t stop. My stomach is in knots the whole time, my head pounds, and I just get so anxious and frustrated. It has gotten to the point where I literally dread going to that class, which is miserable for me AND the students. Today 12 of them were pulled out for testing and it made a huge difference. I wish every day could be like that! Also, I’ve been doing a lot of counseling and peer mediation the past two days…I can’t even tell you how many times I heard “Miss Carolin can I talk to you about something?” today. I love helping them, and when I see a significant difference in the kids it makes up for everything, but I did have a peer mediation session that didn’t go well and I’m afraid will blow up. I know it’s not my fault and that I can’t save the world, but it was still stressful. I had a total "Tyra moment" with one of my students. You know that time on Top Model when she screamed at a contestant about how she cared about her and was pulling for her and then the contestant just disapointed her? Yeah, I did that to someone. I made her cry. She finally said "I know you care about me, Miss Carolin. I know I can come to you whenever I need anything". I had a mini breakdown in the stairwell after school. I was telling two other staff members about my challenges and then about Laurence and I tried to stop my voice from cracking and the tears from coming but it happened. Thankfully they were SO supportive and helpful. Two students walked in and saw me, immediately gave me hugs and asked if I needed anything. Love that!

Of course, the positive things will forever outdo the negative. For the student workers who went out of their way to help me today, thank you. For the sophomore girls who told me that my hair looked pretty, thank you. To the boys who ALWAYS help me carry stuff down from the cafeteria, thank you. To Omar, who made me laugh when he said “Miss Carolin, back in the day, did you used to get down” and continued to do the Soulja Boy, thank you. You all made me smile. Also, now that I am helping (I’d say teaching, but these kids are the ones teaching ME) with a creative writing class, I’ve been more into journaling, poetry, song writing, etc than ever. I’ve been researching “writing prompts” for my class and found some amazing ideas. I love reading what they write. Today I had a student who was very unenthusiastic about the class when arriving. She didn’t feel like writing and had a pretty negative attitude. I encouraged her to write how she was feeling about ANYTHING. She ended up writing a beautiful poem about having a “crush” on someone who doesn’t like you back. As juvenile as that may sound, it was honestly haunting. Her emotions were just right out there, so raw. I was proud of her!

I’m going to post two things I have written recently! Haven’t done this in a while, eh? The first one is really opening up my heart. I don’t want any questions asked or assumptions made. Ha. Thanks.

Before I knew you love didn’t exist
Now when you sing those songs
When you give me that look
I know what love feels like
It makes my heart stop
I’m in awe of your perfection

Never felt so sure of anyone before
I just need you here by my side
Can’t you just come here now?
I’m sick of the constant tiptoes
We both know what’s there

It’s when you sing those songs
That feel specially written for me
It’s obvious when our eyes lock in that stare
I need to be with you

How could you make promises of tomorrow
Then leave me alone for so long
I need you here with me
To sing me a song

Without you love does not exist
I slowly break down
Don’t let me shatter
Come and sing me a song.

This one I wrote for my students…it’s a work in progress, I want to add more:

Walking down the road alone
With no one reaching out for you
You feel so lost and broken
You put on a face of a hero so they won’t see
Well kid, you don’t fool me
You’ve got it in you
To become so much more
Take a chance and dare to dream
You could be so much better than those who left you
Those who hurt you, those that didn’t believe
Have faith in yourself and keep on pushing through
All these walls that surround you
Don’t let anything hold you back
From being the best you that you dream to be
The pain you feel now doesn’t have to last forever
You’ve got the choice; it’s up to you to change
Stand up, be strong, and put a smile on that face
Prove them wrong, show them the you that you know you can be