walk on

I'm going to be completely honest...I have no idea what I am feeling right now. I went into Laurence's services anxious and nervous. I came out...confused. I don't know where to sort all the feelings and thoughts going through my mind.

Yesterday's service was beautiful. I completely lost it for most of the service and had to take a 4 hour nap when I got home, but it was beautiful. The hardest part yesterday for me was the reality that he is actually gone...that this son, brother, cousin, friend, neighbor....is gone. Although it was a 2 year battle, it still doesn't seem right. However, the service reminded me that Laurence was placed here for a reason, and he fulfilled his mission....his time came for God to bring him home and use him in Heaven. The speakers were perfect and the homily that the priest gave spoke so directly to my thoughts on Laurence.

Perhaps the most touching part for me yesterday was that little Francesca came. I mentioned her in my previous blog, she is a former student of my mom's and her family are good friends with my parents. She sat next to my mom clutching Kleenex in her little hands. Laurence has played a HUGE role in this little girl's life, and seeing her so emotionally invested reminded me once again of Laurence's purpose- to raise awareness on extreme poverty and to encourage people to get a cause. Seeing someone so young that I know be so inspired by Laurence just reaffirmed how wonderful he really is. After the service, Francesca wrote in the memory book "You helped to remind me that there can be peace in the world". I immediately started crying when I read that. I know that Laurence has forever changed Francesca and will stay in her heart forever, and for that I am grateful and blessed.

Today was the second service, which was also lovely. I enjoyed hearing Laurence's friends speak about him in such high regards. As much as I love and admire Laurence, it's always wonderful to hear other people speak so highly of this truly amazing kid. His best friends made me tear up, and my Aunt Mary Ann (my inspiration in life) really made me cry. She talked about the perfect timing Laurence came into our family- he was adopted after a string of deaths (her son Tom, her sister's son, and her husband). She and Laurence have always been very, very close. It was touching, especially because I love and adore both of them so much. The most heartwarming part of today was when one of Laurence's friends performed an original song for us. It was a song he wrote about Laurence and it was beautiful....and took a lot of guts to get up there in front of all those people and sing. I don't remember all the lyrics, but I remember in the chorus it said "this world is not good enough for you". That was the line that got me, because it's so true. Laurence was too good for us. We may never even realize just how lucky we were to be touched by Laurence Carolin.

Although today was nice, I left feeling a little more...confused....anxious. I went to Church, hoping to find some answers. I walked around the beautiful St. Hugo campus for a little bit after mass. I'm not sure what I was looking for...a sign? Comfort? Peace? I have no idea. I still haven't found it...but I don't know what it is I'm looking for. I guess I just need to know that Laurence is okay, happy, and with his grandpa Jim up in Heaven. I need to know that I will see him again....

On a more positive note, I loved seeing my family this weekend. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but was so glad to be able to spend a few moments with some of the people I admire the most in this world, like Patrick and Mary Ann...and so fun to catch up with my hilarious Aunt Ellen and Aunt Peg...otherwise known as "the kissing aunts". I've made a promise to myself to keep in better touch with them. I would love to spend more weekends with my Aunt Mary Ann. She is the most spiritual person I know and I have learned so much from her. I believe that many of my questions about faith could be answered by her. She's wonderful.

It was also great to see my immediate family. I'm lucky to be placed Detroit in that I can still see my family. We played games together, we laughed together, we cried together. I saw my sister cry for maybe the third time in my life, and was comforted by my dad, who I often say is the glue that holds this family together. My mom and I shared the same feelings...and both felt a little depressed and drained today. A big part of my happiness this weekend was seeing Dave and Sara with my sister and brother. I am so happy that they have found love, found that person that they are going to be with the rest of their lives....that will be there for them when they need it the most. I just hope and pray that I will find that person for me.

Well, for someone who wasn't sure what to say, I sure did write a lot. I hope all of this makes sense. I know that I am going to try my hardest to live life for others....to find my cause. I know that Laurence was an angel walking on this earth. I know that I will never be able to hear a U2 song without thinking of Laurence. I love you, Laurence, and I will always hold you close to my heart.

day 23 → a YouTube video


day 24 → whatever tickles your fancy

10 Favorite Gavin DeGraw Songs

10) Let It Go
9) Lover Be Strong
8) Young Love
7)Nice To Meet You Anyway
6) Chariot
5) Glass
4) Belief
3) Follow Through
2) We Belong Together
1) More Than Anyone