Gonna be totally honest: Susan's death has thrown me for a complete loop. I have lost many, many people in my life. Grandparents, friends, aunts and uncles, a cousin gone too soon. But I have never felt like this after a death. I have never had this much struggle.
I work for a hospice. I train new volunteers monthly, at least twice a month I am sitting there talking about grief. I know the terms, I know how to talk about what to expect and the different things that affect a person's grief. I know to say to every volunteer "grief is not a problem to be solved, it is simply a statement that you loved someone". But I was not prepared for this.
I have not slept well, my thoughts are consumed with thoughts of Susan and that night. A few times I have woken up with fingernail prints in the palms of my hand from clenching my fists. I don't remember a lot of details from last week. It's been tough. I haven't really known what to say when people have asked how I'm doing. The automated response is "oh, hanging in there". When really, all I want to say is "no, I'm not okay".
Earlier this week I really struggled with that, the fact that I wasn't okay. I felt like I was being selfish and then felt guilty. Lucky for me I have people to talk to about that and they helped me through it.
So how am I doing right now? Okay. I think the most frustrating thing for me is I've lost a lot of motivation. The 2nd hunger games book is in the same spot in my room where I left it that Tuesday night, I have not written in my journal since I found out, etc. I just don't care about anything as much as I did a week and a 1/2 ago. I'm trying to pick up the pieces, to remind myself that Susan would want us to move forward and keep on living. But I'm struggling. Violence has become a very real thing for me, a very disgusting thing for me. Since this tragedy, whenver I hear another story similair I want to throw up. Saying things like "I'm going to shoot someone" are no longer taken lightly. Just the other day my co worker said that to me. She said "Shoot me now", as I'm sure many of us say daily when we get frustrated. But it took a dagger at me.
I guess my point in writing this blog was to point out that we never know how things are going to work out, how things are going to affect us. But somewhere, somewhere beneath all the hurt I have to believe that there is a lesson in all of this. I have to believe that we are here to love and serve one another. To help each other heal and to be there when we break down. I have not quite figured out where my place is in this tragedy, because I am still dealing with my own emotions. But I know that no matter what, I will stick with the Hugo community, proudly. I have seen them come together and pray for one another, and now I will not leave their side. Even if I am just known as "Mrs. Carolin's daughter". I'm proud to wear that title, and I will do what I can to help others.
I know I'll be alright, and I will heal and figure out how to go on. I have my faith, my family, and my friends by my side. Thank you for that. A lot of people have helped me through this. A LOT. But I have to give a very special thank you to some of my co workers who have been absolutely incredible during this experience. Maggie who always asks how I'm doing and puts up with me whining. Tierra who can make me laugh in any situation and who understands me. Kim and Sue who let me vent, cry, talk, ramble. Sarah who will open her office door and let me sit and just let it out, who reminds me it's okay to break down, who gives me advice and just gets it. You guys have all been so awesome. Maggie and Tierra, I promise to not send whiny e-mails anymore :) <3 you!
I should stop rambling now, but it feels good to let this out. I love you all.