A Magical Trip

Tom and I have just arrived back from our trip to Disney World. For me, it was my first ever trip to a Disney park. Tom has been to Tokyo Disney. When I told people that we were going, and that it was my first time, most people responded with "like ever? not even as a kid?". Nope.

My family chose to vacation in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, where my dad had been going since he was 2 and where he and my mom met when she was on vacation there with friends. Our castles were in the form of sand, and the only characters we came across were crabs and frogs, and the occasional jellyfish. But I wouldn't trade that for the world. Those memories are the best memories I have. For me, Fort Walton was my magic place. I don't remember ever feeling really jealous of my classmates when they went to Disney, because we had our special place. I do recall thinking it looked pretty awesome on the Full House episode when they went to Disney, though. It wasn't until I was older, in high school and college, that I truly understood what Disney World was.

And here's the thing- I'm a Disney fan! I can sing along to almost every soundtrack, I know the characters and the movies, I love princesses and fairy tales and singing animals. I've seen almost every Disney movie. And yet, I never found myself traveling to Orlando to see what the hype was all about. Until now.

Tom and I booked a quick trip to celebrate our First Anniversary. The entire process of booking everything was overwhelming for someone who has never been, with all the logistics, the different types of tickets, fast passes, and dinner reservations. We decided that for us,it made the most sense to do 2 days of visiting parks, with the park hopper option. We did not do any dinner reservations and decided to just wing it when it came to meals. Trying to figure out timing about when we would eat and which park was too much.

We arrived in the afternoon on Wednesday and spent most of that day walking around our resort area, in Disney Springs, and on the Boardwalk. We got a little sprinkle of the Disney magic. We got our "Happily Ever After" pins at Disney Springs and immediately people started to congratulate us. On Thursday, we boarded one of the Disney buses from our resort to head to Magic Kingdom. When we entered the park, turned down main street, and saw that castle, it finally clicked. This is Disney. This is magic. This is where you can be a kid. People kept telling me that, leading up to our trip, but I did not truly feel it until I saw that castle and practically ran to the front to get a closer look. Magic Kingdom is where the nostalgia happens. It's riding the Winnie the Pooh ride to settle my stomach after nearly hurling on the tea cups. It's seeing Peter Pan in a crowd and skipping over to ask for a picture. It's singing along the words to Little Mermaid songs as you travel through the ride. It's running to meet Daisy and Minnie because you know your niece will love to hear about it. It's yelling "We're flying!" while riding Peter Pan's flight. It's getting a great spot for the parade and waving to the princesses while jumping up and down. It's riding It's A Small World and getting that song in your head. It's acting totally normal to do the Enchanted Tales with Belle when it's literally all children and their parents in your group.

After Magic Kingdom we headed to Epcot. Our first mission was to do the World Showcase. I had heard so much about the different countries, I couldn't wait to see it for myself. It's truly amazing, and almost overwhelming, how incredible and detailed it is. Our favorite was Japan, where Tom was born and spent most of his life. We tried a Chicken Terriyaki Bun and spent time in the Japanese marketplace. As we made our way around the world I loved how many options there were for food. Each country had a couple restaurants to try- plus it was the Epcot Food and Wine festival, so there were extra stands with smaller sample size items to try.  Epcot is also where we met my queens, Anna and Elsa. Listen, I fully embrace that I am a 31 year old woman who loves Frozen. I saw it twice in theaters and bought it on DVD the day it came out. There is something very special about that story, and the music. I was somehow a little nervous to meet these two, even though they are actors who are likely 10 years or more younger than I am. We loved meeting them, Anna was especially interactive and fun to talk to. We didn't ride on the Frozen ride, primarily because it was an hour wait and we were tired, hungry, and ready for a break from standing in the heat. But next time, it's on my list. Also, there are other characters sprinkled throughout the World Showcase. We quite literally ran into Mulan as she was walking to her spot to meet fans. We also saw Belle in France, and again, I would have waited in line because I am a Beauty and the Beast fanatic, but her line was in the direct, 95 degree sunlight heat.

After the World Showcase we rode a few rides, met Joy and Sadness from Inside Out, ate dinner, and then eventually walked back to our resort (Epcot was within walking distance, a huge plus!). We stopped on the Boardwalk to get a dessert, and realized that we had walked close to 35,000 steps.

The next morning, we headed to Hollywood Studios. We were looking forward to seeing Toy Story Land and all the Star Wars stops. Upon entering the park, we ran to Toy Story Land with hundreds of other people trying to do the same thing. That slinky dog ride? Already an hour wait when we walked up. We never did get to ride it, and it's another thing added to my list of things I need to do next time. But walking around Toy Story Land was amazing. The detail is beyond what you could even imagine. We enjoyed the alien saucer ride, and we had a fast pass for the Toy Story Mania ride, which was super fun! You basically are playing an arcade game while riding, and we both really enjoyed it. After Toy Story Land we got to explore the Star Wars spots, which included meeting Chewbacca, looking at props from the movies, interacting with Storm Troopers, and riding a Star Wars themed ride which Tom loved. We also met Olaf at Hollywood Studios. We didn't make it onto the Rockin Rollercoaster and truthfully I couldn't handle the Tower of Terror, so we decided to head out of the park and go to Animal Kingdom.

Originally, we weren't going to go to Animal Kingdom. We were going to spend Friday afternoon at one of the other parks again, going on rides we missed the first day. People told us that Animal Kingdom was "basically a zoo". I am so glad we decided to go, because we had a blast at this park! First of all, a lot of it is shaded, so even though we were still so hot, it was much better to walk around here under the trees. But it's a beautiful park! We didn't do the Avatar ride but we did get to do the Safari (and saw so many animals!), ride Everest, which may have been my very favorite ride, and we rode the indoor dinosaur roller coaster that was also super fun! The DinoLand part of the park is really cool for kids, too. I may not need to go back to Animal Kingdom, (except I would, to ride Everest), but I would for sure recommend going.

Instead of resting for the rest of the day, we went back to Hollywood Studios. Tom was able to watch a mini live Star Wars show and we ate dinner there. The line for Slinky Dog never went down, and the line to meet Mickey and Minnie kept going up, so we eventually did leave that park. If my feet had not been hurting so badly I think we would have stayed and waited in line for Slinky Dog and watched the Star Wars Fireworks. But I had blisters on three toes, and my feet were just pulsing with pain. So we took the boat back to the boardwalk, got a Mickey Mouse cookie for dessert, and went back to the resort to sleep.

And just like that, our trip was over. We were awake by 5 am to get to the airport.

Obviously, Disney is magical because you can be a kid, and you can meet all your favorite characters, ride some amazing rides, eat delicious food. But I think the most magical thing about the trip is that you literally feel like you are in another world. We never left Disney property, so we were surrounded by Disney at all times. I barely checked my phone, and only had it out to take photos and post them. I didn't keep up with the news or read any work e-mails. I just lived in each moment, taking it in, paying attention to the incredible details. As we sat in the airport to come back home I couldn't help but think about how every single person in that airport is either escaping from something, or returning home to something.

For us, "back to reality" means back to work, back to getting our finances on track after a little blip, back to planning for our future. It means back to our families and supporting our loved ones through difficult times. Back to eating healthy, going to bed and waking up at normal times. Back to being busy. Back to making memories with our family and friends. Back to us, one year of marriage down, infinity more to come.

We escaped for three days, away from all of the things that normally fill our days and our brains. And it was a beautiful escape. There is no one I would have rather experienced all of this with. I don't think there's anyone else on this world that I could have been my true self with on this trip. I would have hid my excitement. But with Tom I knew that I could just be me. And he smiled as I skipped around. He calmed me down when I got anxious about the crowds. He helped me when I almost got sick from the heat, making sure I rested and got water. When I thanked him for taking care of me, he just looked up and said "well, I'd be lost without you". I actually cried when he said that. It was one of the sweetest things he has ever said, and he said it so simply.  Sorry for that extra helping of cheese, folks, but I just know I will cherish that moment for ever.

I will cherish our whole trip forever. Thank you to everyone who gave us advice, who followed along as we posted pictures on Facebook and who encouraged us to take this trip even though it felt like the universe was against us going.

And thank you to Tom for being my best buddy, for going on this adventure with me and for encouraging me to do things outside of my comfort zone like ride scary rides and go to the bathroom on an airplane.

Until next time, Disney World! One day we will be back.

9/23

Tom and I took getting married seriously. For us, it was never about the party, or the dress, or the food. It was about promising to be there for one another, for the rest of our lives. I'm so glad we had (and still have) that mindset, because our first year of marriage certainly put us to the test.

Marriage isn't easy. I know this. I know that every single married couple has ups and downs that they must get through together. So I am not claiming that Tom and I are unique, or that what we faced is harder that what other married couples endure.

I'm just saying it was difficult. 

It was not difficult to love one another, support each other, to be there for each other.

But it was hard that I spent the first 5 months of our marriage in and out of our home, spending most of my time caring for my dad as he was dying. And then I spent the next half of our first year in a deep grief, with waves of anxiety and depression taking me under every so often. It was also hard that just when I felt like I was starting to get a grip on things, and feel really confident about our future, that we had a shake up with Tom losing his job. He found another one quickly, and we will get back on track to where we were, but those two weeks brought back another sucker punch of anxiety. 

Of course, there were so many moments of light amongst all of this. The sense of relief I feel around Tom is one that I cannot describe. He gently pulls me back when I start to step too far. He is my safety net.

I'm not sure what the next year, 10 years, 40 years (you get it) will bring. More challenges, I'm sure. But I know that we can tackle them, because I see what we did in just one year. I know that we can come out stronger. But I'm also sure there will be adventures, and new beginnings, and excitement. And in between both the heavy and the light, there will be the boring nights where we sit on the couch and watch Youtube videos. Because you need those boring, quiet moments to balance it all out.

We've had a messy, beautiful first year. We've had enough tears to fill an ocean. But we've made it, and we've been step by step with each other, in a crooked, not quite perfect stride. 

A New Road

Just last week, I started toying with the idea of blogging again. It started when someone commented on an Instagram post and asked if I had ever considered starting a blog or a podcast. I told her that I used to blog, but I stopped because I felt the posts were getting to repetitive, and that I had been using the #365daysofgratitude tag on Instagram for the past couple of years to replace my blog posts. I thought about her comment all week, and by the end of the week, I had come up with an idea for a podcast. I even started jotting down notes and investigating how I could record without spending thousands of dollars on equipment.

At the same time that this was happening, I was reflecting on my amazing summer. I posted a fun slideshow of photos and wrote about how much the experiences I had this summer meant to me, and that I felt truly lucky to have had them.

And then, not even 24 hours after I wrote that post, we found out that my husband lost his job. I felt everything get swept up underneath me as I fell apart. I cried for him, because he truly loved his job, and he worked so hard. I cried for us, because we've had an incredibly difficult newlywed experience already. I cried because I was scared, we have worked really hard to build up our savings to buy a house and I feared losing it all and never getting the house. I worried that this would mean we would delay having kids, and what if we never have kids? I selfishly and maybe childishly cried because we have plans to go to Disney for the very first time in our lives in a few weeks and what if we have to cancel? I cried because he was hurting. I cried because I felt helpless. I cried because I couldn't fix it. I cried because I felt insanely guilty about all those summer adventures I had just spoken so highly of. I cried because my dad isn't here to tell me that it's going to be okay and to give me his best advice. For two solid days, I cried.

Those two days felt like hell. Like I would never get out of that mindset and I would never feel calm again.

But somehow, like I always do, I pulled out of that. I'm not suddenly calm and worry free, but I am confident in the team that Tom and I have built together. We are a unit, we always have been, and we will move forward together. It will not be easy. Anyone who has ever had to search for a job knows how hard it can be. But we will not cave, and we will fight through this together.

I think maybe that's what my dad would have told me. To be there for each other through this. He'd also tell Tom to stand tall and stand proud, and remind him to follow up on applications and send thank you notes when he has interviews. And he'd remind us over and over again, that it will be okay, to take one day at a time.

To me this is another reminder of how surprising life can be. The next big thing, whether it's good or bad, is always around the corner, and you are never fully prepared for what it will be. So while this may test Tom and I in a way we were not expecting, maybe a really grand thing is coming for us. I've got to hold onto hope that our next turn is a bright one. It might be rocky along the way, but knowing that we are by each other's side, picking each other up along the way, is going to be our saving grace.

So here we go.... a new adventure. Maybe this will mean more blogging, maybe it won't. I'm just glad I'm living this life with him, I couldn't imagine it with anyone else.

We are love.

Disclaimer: This is cheesy, but from the heart. Read on.

Tom and I are two people who were meant to be together. We are two people who signed up on a dating website, looking for love. We are two people who dated once, broke up, became friends, and then, slowly but somehow not so slowly, fell in love. We are two people who are getting married in just a few weeks. We are two people who understand each other, who embrace each other, who encourage one another. We are two people who were lucky enough to find one another.

I believe that Tom and I are a combination of the love that surrounds us. We are the love of our parents. Both mine and his have stood by one another through very difficult times, putting love and family first. They have brought the words "dedication", "commitment", and "partnership" to life. We are the love of our siblings, each so different but each so wonderful. We are my sister's patience, my brother's humor, and Nick's perseverance. We are the love that we have seen our siblings show their partners. We have grown tremendously through their examples. We are the love of of nephews and niece, who light up our lives and make us want to be better and to do our part to make a better, brighter world.

We are the love of our friends, who bring so much joy and laughter to our lives, who have stood by us and watched us grow. The memories we've made with our friends, and the examples they have been in our lives, have made life a little more fun, a little less scary, and a lot more beautiful.

We are the love of God. My very favorite quote from Les Miserables says "To love another person is to see the face of God". I am not quite sure I really knew what that meant until I loved Tom. Although our religious views differ, I know with full confidence that God brought us together, and that the Love God instilled in both of us is what has kept us together.

Lastly, I am Tom's love. I am his patience, understanding, compassion, encouragement. I am more "me" because of him, he's brought out the very best in me, and continues to love me even when I am at my worst. He is the only person I could ever imagine having by my side, forever and always. He is my love.

On September 23rd, we will be celebrating our love and our commitment to one another. Every single person in that chapel and in that reception hall has been an impact on the way Tom and I live our lives. It is your love that inspires us, and our love for each of you goes beyond measure. It's a day of celebration. My greatest hope is that we hold on tight to the love we feel at weddings, and we go out in the world and spread it- to everyone we meet, no matter how different they are from us.

Wedding Planning: Let It Go

Tom and I have almost exactly 6 months to go until our wedding day. We've also been engaged for about 8 months, so we are right smack in the middle of the wedding planning process.

We have crossed nearly every priority task off the list. We have booked our venue, DJ, photographer, and florist. We're close to booking our cake baker (she is a friend of mine, just need to schedule a day to meet and sign the contract!). We found someone to do our favors and I booked our hair and makeup team for the day of. My dress is purchased and Tom has a deposit on his tuxedo.

Through all of this, we've managed to remain pretty level headed. We've made decisions together, gone through our checklist, made the guest list, etc. There really hasn't been too much to stress about- yet.

But now we are starting to plan for all the little things. You know, like all the paper stuff. Invitations, programs, table numbers, escort cards (so much paper). Decorations, shoes, jewelry. Cupcake stands and card boxes. All the little things that truly don't make that much of a difference, yet somehow still cost entirely too much money and have far too many options.

So I am writing this post, mostly for me, to come back to when I find myself too stressed out over the little things. Maybe this will help some other brides out there, too.

Remember what is important about your wedding day. It is not the little things that people see for a moment and then forget about. People are there to celebrate you and the love of your life, not to examine your escort cards. You are there to marry your best friend, not to stress about the seating chart. This day is about your marriage, being around your dearest friends and family, and making a promise to your partner. When people walk away from a wedding, what do they remember? Spoiler alert, it's not centerpieces. And they probably never saw your shoes. They want to have good food, hear fun music, and drink alcohol.

So do not let these little things stress you out. And when they start to stress you out, think back to every wedding you've ever attended and think about what you remember about those weddings. Most likely it's memories on the dance floor or the killer speech someone gave...or the beautiful music during the ceremony. Or how stunning the bride looked. You did not remember what kind of decorations were on the "welcome table" or the "gift table" or the "dessert table" and for the love of God, why do we have so many tables?

Just enjoy this time with your best friend and family. Take a breath, let it go, and move onto the next thing.

Cheers to every other couple in the middle of their wedding planning. We've got this.

And to Tom, I love you and thank you for being the calm presence I so need.

Bringing Out The Brave

This past weekend, Tom and I took a weekend trip to Traverse City. Although I wish the trip could have been a little longer, we had a marvelous time. We spent some time outside taking in the gorgeous weather and views, we shopped, we ate delicious food and drank good beer, and we explored. It's been a long time since I have felt that care free. I turned the e-mail off on my phone and just enjoyed my time with him.

As I was getting ready for bed on Sunday night, smiling from ear to ear, wishing I was back in Traverse City with Tom, I started to think about what exactly made that trip so special.

And the conclusion I came to was that it wasn't just that TRIP that was special. It's Tom that is special.

Part of the reason I was so elated when we returned form our trip was that I was so proud of myself for doing a few things that normally scare me. Now, you need to understand that because of my lifelong battle with anxiety, there are a LOT of things that scare me. I always jump to the worst possible scenario of every situation and convince myself that the worst is going to happen. When I get in that state its' really hard to get me out of it. But Tom does such a fantastic job of keeping me calm. He does it in a gentle way- he does not totally dismiss my fears, but he helps me to see around them.

Thinking about it, that's all I've ever wanted in a relationship- someone who can understand my fears, and help me to overcome them. That's not to say that I need a man, or anyone, to depend on to get me past these obstacles, but rather, I've needed a companion who can bring out the brave in me. And that is what Tom has done. He makes life so much fun for me that I don't want to miss out on any opportunity. He's also very patient and practical with me, and takes the time to tell me why what I am worrying about is not going to happen. Example, we were walking around the fair on Friday night and Tom wanted to go in the Funhouse. I am terrified of mazes because I feel like I am going to get trapped for ever. I know, for most people this seems silly, but that is my fear. Tom showed me the clear entrance and exit of the maze, and led the way so that I could clearly follow him. Another example- I hate crowds. Being in a large crowd makes me feel stuck and I need to have an escape route just in case. As we were leaving the Fireworks on Saturday night with thousands of other people all heading the same direction, Tom knew that I would struggle walking back. So he found a clear path and led me down that. It allowed us to be away from the crowd for most of our walk.

It's just what he dos- he looks out for me. And I guess by Sunday evening I was feeling so grateful to have found Tom and to have him in my life that I was giddy. I started to look up other places we could go on vacation, just to have more adventures.

I know that this post may embarrass Tom, or may seem a bit cheesy to put out into the universe, but it was something that I just needed to share. Growing up we're always told to choose someone who is honest, makes us laugh, treats us right, etc. In Tom, I've found all of those things, plus someone who makes me feel so good about myself that I can do things I never thought possible.

For my friends that are single and are still looking for their perfect match, make sure that person makes you feel like you have wings. You deserve to soar, and your partner should be right there along with you.

The Big Question.

This blog post has been something that I have been wanting to write for a while. I've chickened out each time- which sort of tells me that maybe I should just keep this to myself. But I'm also daring to be bold in 2015, so here I am.

I know that some people will not understand why I'm putting this out there, and that's okay. Not every blog post is for everyone,  I get that. But I also think that what I have to say may resonate with others, so I'm just gonna do it.

Okay, I'll quit babbling and just get to it.

At least once a week, someone asks me when Tom and I are going to get engaged, or why Tom hasn't proposed yet, or elbows me in the ribcage and whispers "your next!" when someone at work is talking about their wedding plans.

And I'm gonna be honest, it's pretty annoying. But tonight, in this blog post, I'll tell you why we aren't engaged.

We aren't ready.

That answer in itself should clarify y things, but I've found it doesn't. So let me expand:

Tom and I are both the type of people that take marriage really seriously. It's not about a wedding, a party, a ceremony, or a ring. It's about a lifetime commitment of love, support, and companionship. At 27 years old, I personally do not feel like I am ready to enter into lifelong commitment with someone. Even though I love Tom, and I feel confident about our future together, it doesn't mean I'm ready to get married. We want to develop our relationship, and we want to do that slowly. We've already been though a lot as a couple that has pushed our patience to the limit- and we've survived. But we're young. And before we say "I do", there is a lot we want to experience- as two people in a serious relationship.

On a personal note, I spent majority of my life hiding from who I was and hiding from the world. It's only within the last two years that I have learned to love myself, my body, and to be confident in who I am. I'm still getting to know ME. Tom has helped me get to this point, and I am forever grateful for that- but I would like to continue to get to know ME before it becomes us. Maybe that's selfish, but maybe I need to be selfish after years of self destruction.

In sum, we aren't ready. We have a lot to learn, about ourselves and about each other, before we feel we can get married.

I'm coming at this topic from a few different angles....First, as a person who is constantly asked about the future of her relationship. There's some frustration there. Secondly, as a person who is a people pleaser. I've been this way my whole life- I just want people to like me, and to agree with my choices. So maybe that puts the pressure on a little tighter. I know people want me to get married, so sometimes it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. And third, as a person who used to say similar things to her friends. Not necessarily the marriage question, but I used to be pretty vocal about my friends relationships when I didn't really agree with their choices. But soon it became pretty clear that my opinion was not going to change much, and also that my role as a friend was to be there to listen, support, and comfort. Which can get tiring, and it hurts me when they are hurt, but unless they are physically or mentally in danger, I no longer tell them what I think. I've learned it's their life to live, and whether or not it is clear to me why they are doing certain things, I've got to just let them do it. Again, trust me, I still step in if I fear they are in danger, physically or mentally. Or, I take a step back. But you get my point... I hope.

So I've been in every position before, and I get that people, for the most part, just really want be to be happy, so that's why they ask. But personally, I'm really happy with the way things are right now, and I'd like to just enjoy it.

I feel as though society has a plotted timeline of how things should go, and when someone takes too long or misses a spot, people start to ask questions. And to that I say this: There is no timeline. Nothing in life is promised. What you do in your life may not be what works for me in my life. The wonderful thing about life is that we were all created to be unique- and so our lives, and the paths we take, are also unique.

This post is not to say that I think what Tom and I are doing is the way everyone should do it. Some people fall madly in love and get married within a year, and live incredibly happy lives. Some people never get married, and also live incredibly happy lives. My point is that everyone is on their own timeline, and that's totally okay.

By the way, although my post was specific to getting engaged/married, it could really apply to anyone who gets pressured to take the next steps in life, whether it's to get their drivers license, declare a major, get a job, have a baby, etc. There's pressure at every stage in life. To anyone who's feeling that sort of pressure, know that you are in control of your own destiny, not anyone else. Do what you think is right for you. If you make a mistake, own it and find the beauty in it. At least you tried. Dare to be who you want to be.

And also, just shake it off.

Dreams of Failure

For the past several nights, I have been having dreams that take me through each time I have "failed" in my life. Let me give you some examples...

In one of my dreams, I was 7 years old again and on the soccer field, playing in a game. My coach pulled me out, and told me that I wasn't good enough. This isn't EXACTLY what happened, but it's close. I was not the best soccer player- I admit that. But that shouldn't matter when you're 7. However, during one of our games I was pulled out for several minutes while another girl subbed for me. Another teammate was pulled out shortly after me. I sat there ready to play again, while she sat there out of breath and tired. But when one of our other teammates had to come out, my coach picked the other girl over me, even though I had been sitting out for a while and she had just come out.

A third dream was that I was in line to be president of my sorority, and all the girls were voting and I didn't get it. This IS what happened in real life.

Yet another dream was getting a phone call that I didn't get the job at Mercy as the alumnae director. Again, this did actually happen in real life.

Those are just a few examples. At first, I was angry. I didn't understand why by subconscious was being so cruel and bringing these memories back to real life for me. Those are things I would rather forget, and although some of them seem small, at the time each of them crushed me and made me question my capabilities and talents. In sum, each of these incidences took a giant stab at my self esteem.

When I was talking to Tom about these dreams, though, he put a different twist on it. His thought is that maybe my sub conscious is showing me these things to show me how far I have come, or to show me that I have made it through each of these hardships, I can surely continue to push through the ones in front of me now. Tom's perspective gave me hope and confidence to know that I AM a strong person and that even though there are a million things happening to me right now and I am feeling like I am not good enough or strong enough to overcome them, I CAN and I WILL because I have before.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 
― Maya Angelou

Thomas.

I am going to warn you that this post will be fairly cheesy. I was going to wait until Valentine's Day to post it, but it's on my mind and my heart so you get it today instead.

When you spend the majority of your life thinking you're not good enough to be loved, it's pretty incredible when you find someone who changes your mind.

Throughout my life, I have been rejected again and again by guys. They chose someone over me, or they didn't have any interest what so ever. The guys that I did date ended up hurting me, cheating on me, forgetting about me. A guy once told me "Yeah, you're cool, but....looks are really important to me sooo" insinuating that I was not good looking enough for him. Another told me "I really like you, but I also really like *Sara, and she's really hot so I'm going to see where things go with her. But if they don't work out, I'm willing to try things with you". I was clearly his second choice. I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I've had others promise me that they loved me, that they thought I was beautiful, and suddenly they disappear and begin dating someone else.

I suffered the ultimate betrayal this past March when my boyfriend at the time, whom I was head over heels for, who came to my house every single night making promises and telling me how much he loved me, left me, out of the blue. I thought we were doing just fine- but all it took was one day. He wouldn't answer my calls or texts, and hours later I discovered he had gone back to his ex girlfriend. The guy didn't even have the decency to call me and tell me this himself. I heard it from her.

After years of rejection, you begin to think poorly of yourself, and believe that no one will ever want to be with you. You have it settled in your mind that you will always be a second choice.

Enter Tom.

Actually, re enter Tom.

A lot of people don't know this, or seem to forget, but Tom and I actually dated two years ago. We met online, right before I moved out of my parents house, and dated for a few months. It was fun- we'd go to dinner and the movies and hang out at my new place. But it was never anything big. I broke it off with him in April 2012, but we remained facebook friends.

When I went through that horrible break up in March, Tom reappeared. He picked up on what happened and we began to chat again- as friends. He helped me get through the heartbreak. He would listen to me cry at night and read all the lyrics/poems I had written. He tried to make me laugh. He joined my gym right when I did so that we could go through the weight loss journey together.

Tom asked me to give him a second chance. I was so hesitant. I was scared to be rejected again, and scared that I was settling. So we took our time. We spent the summer with each other. He made me laugh. He made me feel whole again. He made me forget all the nasty feelings that I had. He became my best friend. I told him everything.

On September 22nd, I realized that Tom and I were more than friends. We were at my parents house to feed Seamus before we went to the movies. My parents were out of town that day and I was on Seamus duty. I had been telling Tom that my parents front yard was a mess and that it needed soil. I went upstairs to shower and when I looked outside, Tom was working on the yard so that my dad would not need to worry about it (at that point, my dad had suffered the seizures, but we didn't have a diagnosis). I smiled watching him work so hard to make things easier for me and for my family. We went to the movies- he took me to see Wizard of Oz in 3D, my all time favorite movie. It was one of the happiest days of my life. It was simple, but happy. We became "official" that day, but in reality, we had been together since the day he reappeared into my life.

I cannot imagine my life without Tom. We don't text all day long and sometimes when we're hanging out we don't even talk. We just sit and be. But then there are the nights we fire questions back and forth at each other, giggling. He is the sweetest guy I have ever known. Just this morning, he brought me breakfast from Coney and shoveled the driveway. He's always wanting to do little things for me. But the most important is that he's there. He will listen to me. He goes to Church with me. He asks me to rate my day. He's nerdy and goofy and always looks a little sad when we say goodbye. He gives tight hugs and asks about my family.

Why am I writing a blog about this? Because I have some friends who are single, and maybe feel like I once did- that no one will ever come around. But someone will. You will find your person. Maybe it's even a person you already know- mine is. Don't be afraid to let someone in who may just be the person who helps you let all your fears out. That's who Tom is for me.

Oh, and for all your other jerks who treated me like garbage: Thank you. You did me a favor, because that rocky road led me to Tom. Also, he thinks I'm beautiful.

Tom and I on September 22nd :)

Happy little Saturday

It was going to be a pretty typical Saturday. I was going to workout, clean the house, get my groceries, and do some writing. Tom and I had plans to go out in the evening, but my day was going to be pretty average.

And then my mom called, as I was sitting up in bed trying to force myself to go to the gym.

"Maureen and Dave are violently ill. I'm going to pick up Ryan and bring him here to babysit. Can you help me?".

I told her I would come by after I worked out. There went my plans to grocery shop and clean the house! I started moving quickly- if i wanted to get everything done, I had better leave soon.

The gym was crowded. It was the last day of the open house for new membership and there were tons of people coming through for tours. Normally, that would somewhat intimdate me, having so many strangers see me working out. But not today. Today I pushed hard. I did all resistence/weight training circuits, and smiled as people came through. I even showed a group how to use the Battle Ropes, a new "toy" at the gym.

I promised myself (and Tom) I wouldn't step on the scale this week. I had started getting so frustrated with not losing that it was bringing me down. But, curiousity got the best of me so I stepped on the scale in the crowded locker room. I was down nearly 3 lbs, putting my total weight loss at 35 lbs.

Excited, I practically ran to my car, and after a quick coffee stop, pulled into my parents house to help with Ryan.

He greeted me at the door, and wanted me to follow him into the kitchen. As my mom washed some of his toys in the sink, Ryan and I chased each other around the island. He was so happy. Every few seconds he would just run into my arms, giggling. He's never done that before and it melted my freaking heart. I couldn't help but squeeze him tight when he did that. Then we went downstairs to play with his amazing hand me down play kitchen. At one point I sat down on the couch, already tired from a workout and chasing him, when he came running to me again.

I know it's a simple little thing, a child running into your arms. It happens all the time. But it made me so happy.

I left when Ryan was eating his lunch, knowing his nap was coming afterwards. I grabbed Jimmy Johns for Sam and I and headed home- to a clean house. Sam had cleaned it all already. I swear, sometimes there is no better feeling than walking into a clean house. It smelled so good and everything was put into place. So Sam I spent some time eating our lunch and chatting. It's rare to do that on a Saturday, usually we are both running around with our errands, too busy to sit and talk.

The day continued to be happy when Tom and I had the perfect date night together. It's actually pretty rare that we go out, we try to save our money so we usually have dinner in and watch tv or a movie. But this time, we went out. Nothing fancy, but we had the best time. First we went to 2nd and Charles in Auburn Hills, which is full of new ad used vinyls, CDs, movies, books and games. I walked out with two books on my to read list. We will be going back soon. I could spend an entire day in that store. Plus we ran into Toms' aunt, the store manager. She's so sweet! 

Then we went to dinner at a Mexican restraunt. I allowed myself to get a meal I actuAlly wanted to get, rather than order the healthiest thing on the menu. I was still careful, I took the cheese and sauce off my chicken tacos and barely ate the rice. I still felt kind of guilty, but Tom assured me that I have to eat what I want sometimes.

After our meal we were stuffed, so I was insistent that we go walk it off somewhere. On the drive to Meijer we sang along to the radio at the top of our lungs. That put me in a goofy mood and I probably embarrassed Tom in Meijer because I was power walking through the aisles at full speed, pivoting at the turns like a drill Sargent. 

Tom made me laugh the rest of the night. When he asked me to rate my day, sometime he does daily, I held up all ten fingers. It was perfect. Between my workout, Ryan, lunch with Sam, a solid two hour nap and my beautiful date with Tom, it was pure bliss.

I hope you had a happy Saturday, too, and if not, there's always Sunday.

Post Christmas Reflection

My dad has declared this Christmas as "the best Christmas ever".

I would have to agree. You know, people say that as you get older you lose the Christmas spirit, but I am finding I am gaining more Christmas spirit each year. Sure, it's not as fun to run down the steps and see what Santa brought you. But Christmas is different now, more special. There is less focus on gifts and more focus on being with family and loved ones.

It is an absolute joy for me to watch my nephew take out every single Lego out of the box and put every single one back in. I cracked up when we were playing a version of charades and he walked around, throwing blank pieces of paper in the bowl so that he could be included. I giggled watching him eat the whipped cream and ask for more. And I absolutely love when he leans against me, uses me to help pull himself back up, gives me kisses, or scrunches his face at me. There is no love like the love I have for that little boy.

My family is amazing. My sister in law made me laugh so hard I actually spit out wine all over my brother. My dad gave a beautiful speech at dinner. We are all connected in a way that is indescribable, but visible. It's very easy to see the love and respect we all have for one another. (Most of the time, anyway).

And then there's Tom. You know, for so long I was convinced I would never find someone who would understand my anxiety, who would love my family as much as I do, who would be there for me every step of the way. But I have found that guy in Tom. And I am so lucky. I am always excited to see him. It was very special for me to have him around yesterday.

We spent yesterday opening gifts, playing games, cooking, and eating. It was a beautiful day. And in an instant, the day is over. I drove into work this morning a little sad, wishing I could have taken the day off to spend it with my family, who are all off of work and hanging out all day. Unfortunately, though, if I want to go to Florida, I need to work as many days as possible.

What if every day was like Christmas? I mean, I know we can't buy each other a ton of gifts every day and all that jazz, but what if the spirit of Christmas existed every day?  I suppose it would take a way some of the magic and wonder. But maybe if we took just a sprinkle of all the love shared on Christmas and carried it with us every day, we'd be happier people.

I am looking forward to getting through the next few days. After I run to my house to check on things and shovel the driveways tonight, I am leaving again and having yet another sleepover at my parents house, soaking up as much family time as I can. Saturday and Sunday, I am giving myself "vacation days" and spending both days on the couch, watching Netflix.

As far as weight loss Wednesday goes, as of Tuesday I had lost 32 lbs total. However, I am pretty convinced I probably gained 1 lb back yesterday. I let myself eat what I wanted yesterday, and afterwards felt so lethargic and full that I will probably never do that again.

I hope you all had an amazing Christmas with your families/loved ones!

Sidenote: My three favorite gifts were: Memory blanket Sara made me (fleece blanket full of pictures of me and my family and friends!), Wizard of Oz 75th Anniversary book from Tom, and the John Mayer vinyl record from Tom's aunt. What were your favorite gifts?

The Boy Behind The Blog

I have been wanting to participate in The Boy Behind The Blog bloghop for a while, but to be honest I kind of kept forgetting about it each month. Finally remembered for December, so now you get to learn a little bit about Tom! I will try to mix it up and incorporate my dad, brother, and brother in law in these posts as well.

1. What is your favorite cereal?

I know people say it's bad, but my favorite cereal is still Corn Pops.

2. Pancakes or waffles?
Pancakes all the way.

3. What is your favorite holiday tradition?

Right now, it would be seeing my cousin Ian opening his Christmas gifts & seeing his reaction.

4. Finish the sentence: All I want for Christmas is...

For my family & friends to all be happy & have a wonderful Christmas day. And socks.

5. What was your best moment of 2013

2013 has been really good for me but if I had to pick one best moment, it would have to be when I got a new job working at Tri-City ACE Hardware. That was the turning point in the year where everything started going well for me. I started working out at a gym to be healthier, have been able to go out and do more stuff since I have the income, and started dating my best friend & most loving person in the world. Overall I have just been happier since getting that job. Here's hoping that Twenty-Fourteen will be just as great or better.

 

 

I Choose You

Yesterday I blogged about some of my retreat experiences. I left out part, specifically because it is a whole different topic. Also because it's something I don't oftenspeak publicly about my relationship.

I don't insert my boyfriends name into every conversation. I don't call him "my boyfriend" to people- I call him Tom. I don't need to see him every single day (although I usually do because of our workouts, but we don't talk much at the gym) and if he doesn't text me for a few hours I don't go all crazy. Because even though he is one of the best things in my life, he's not my whole life.

But on retreat, we talked quite a bit about being chosen by God and by others. We also, ironically enough, talked about this quite a bit in our youth group meeting last night.

Your family sorta chooses you. I mean- they make the choice to take care of you. Your friends choose you based on shared interests and personality. But it's really something special when someone chooses you romantically. When someone wants to have a relationship with you.

And that's what Tom did with me. He chose me. He waited for me when I was insistent I was not ready to enter into a new relationship. He continued to build a friendship with me until he became my best friend, and eventually we realize what we had was much more.

Tom chooses me every time he does something little for me. Buys me coffee, let's Sam and I use his netflix account so we can watch Orange is the New Black. Buys me 7up when I'm sick. Promises me that my cooking is good. Sends me wake up texts and tells me to shut up when I'm hard on myself. He knows my favorite songs and what to do when I start to panic.

He chooses me in bigger ways too, like taking me to see Pink, doing yard work for my dad, and leaving work on his lunch break to see me when I had my major breakdown the week my dad was diagnosed. 

Up until this past weekend, I really didn't understand why Tom did all these things for me. Don't get me wrong: I was grateful. I just didn't get it. Now I do. He does them because he cares, he's choosing me. He chooses to do these things to show that I'm the girl he has chosen to be in a relationship.

And I'm really lucky to be that girl he chose. Tom is a great guy. Like a really, really great guy. I'm not as good as being cute and romantic as he is, but I know he knows how I feel about him. I choose him, too. The guy is my best friend. 

We don't know where this will go and we don't need to. We are both choosing to be happy in these moments. 

Pink: Truth About Love Tour

I am sure I thoroughly annoyed all my Twitter and Instagram followers last night with my concert tweets/videos, but YOU GUYS.

That was not like any concert I've ever attended. How many artists can truly sing live while being catapulted through the air and flipping about? Not many. And how do I know she is singing live? Well, for starters, she'd often stop to breathe and the singing would stop too (except her background singers). Secondly, there's a pretty famous video on youtube of Pink falling during one of her stunts, and the singing totally stops. That's proof right there.

The entire show was centered around love. Which makes sense, being that her latest album was titled Truth About Love. The concert was very theatrical, weaving stories of love in between the songs. They didn't just focus on the sweet, lovey dovey type, either. They talked about sensual love, love that frustrates you, heartbreak, and, my favorite, loving yourself. Some of the final words spoken to us by the Ringmaster (yes, there was a ringmaster) were "We all know you cannot love another person until you love yourself".

I knew it was going to be a great show from the start. The Ringmaster came on the stage and got everyone excited, and then said he needed someone from the audience to come on the stage. He pointed to a section and the cameras zoomed into Pink, just sitting in the audience. The lights went dark and a few minutes later, she came flying out from under the stage, attached to ropes and wires, flipping in the air above the stage while singing "Raise Your Glass". I kept hitting Tom and screaming "OH MY GOD". I had never, truly, seen anything like that before.

Pink continued the spectacle by singing songs everyone knows, like "Just Like A Pill" and also cuts from her latest album, like "All We Are We Are". The choreography, stage set up, dancers, band and background singers were all flawless. Here are some of my absolute favorite moments from the show:

Try. This song is super powerful on its own, but for the concert Pink did acrobats, plus she and a male dancer did the actual choreography from the music video. I found a great quality video from another concert. Watch for yourselves and be amazed.

The Great Escape. Detroit was only the third show where Pink played the full song on piano. Before starting she admitted she was terrified, but she nailed it! Here she is doing it at another concert stop, but before she fully learned the song and had a few boo boo's, letting her piano player take over at the end.

Sober. This one was full on acrobats, as they put her in a wire cage and she flipped and spun around. The choreography for this matched perfectly for the mood and lyrics of the song. Here's a video from Orlando. Fast forward to about 45 seconds in to get the start of the song.

So What. Pink closes the show with this tune, and I really can't explain it to you, you just have to see it.

 

So now you have a little taste of the show I was truly blessed to witness last night. Pink is an artist you see live, no questions asked. Go see this show. I'm going to be on a concert high for a very long time from this!