If i am waiting for someone to come home or to meet me somewhere and they are late I worry that something terrible happened to them. My mind automatically jumps to the worst case scenario. I can't concentrate on anything else until I know that they are safe.
I hate being late because I don't want everyone staring at me when I walk in. So I either get to where I need to be early, or, I don't go at all. I have missed classes and important meetings because of this.
Any ache or pain I feel turns into fear of serious illness or disease, which esclates quickly because the more I worry about the symptoms, the more symptoms I suddenly develop. I have thought everything from gas leak to brain cancer.
I worry so much about letting you down that sometimes I tell you the things you want to hear rather than the truth. This is what I am most ashamed of. I am better, but not 100%.
I fear social interaction because I worry that I will say something wrong or do something stupid, so I avoid it. I make excuses, like being sick or being too busy or having family things to do. Anything to get out of a social situation.
I never once raised my hand in school in fear that I was wrong. To this day, when I have to speak in group meetings I rehearse what I am going to say several times to make sure I say it correctly.
I despise shopping because I am terrified of strangers talking to me and I don't want a sales associate to help me or to ask me too many questions. I also will never ask them a question. If I don't see my size, I simply leave.
When the phone rings, I panic. My mind automatically assumes it is bad news. Usually, by the time I get the courage to answer the phone, the other person has already hung up. And I won't call you back because I'm scared of what you will say.
Making a phone call should be easy, but for me, I have to give myself a 10-20 minute pep talk before I do it. For work related things, it is always last on my to do list. I do everything else first and e-mail when I can.
New things terrify me. I like routine and I don't want to be surprised or unprepared. When going to a new class or event I will keep my head down to avoid eye contact and keep to myself as much as I can.
These are just some of the things I worry about. Don't feel sorry for me. I used to feel sorry for myself, until I accepted that plain and simple, this is who I am. I can't change it. I have help and I get through each day, some are harder than others, and I survive. Like all of you. We are all just trying to survive.
Some will say I shouldn't have written this blog, and that these types of things should be kept private. Maybe so but this is my story, this is my life, and I am choosing to speak about it.