value

I've been in a crappy mood as of late. Can't get in the holiday spirit, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and just plain burned out. It hit me today what I want: I want to feel valued. Not in the selfish way. I don't need people to tell me I'm awesome. I just want to feel like I am worth something. I want to feel like all my hard work is going somewhere. Like I am on the right path.

But then I also realized- the root of all of this is that I do not always value myself. I knock myself down all the time. Having other people acknowledge me or tell me how I'm doing will go nowhere unless I believe it. And, I have the control to believe that. I thought for a long time that I had finally learned to love myself, but it's evident lately that I still have not learned that very needed lesson. I wish I could. I pray about it all the time. I try. Yet, I still let things about myself slip through the cracks, while trying to hold everything else together. I like to be the person who helps others. It's time for me to help myself.

It's going to be hard but I am going to try to start doing things that are best for me. Being healthier, happier. I know, you can roll your eyes and say you've heard this before from me, because you have. And hey, there's a possibility I will fail and fall back into this pit that I have seen so many times before. But I'm going to fight harder, push further, than I ever have before.

So yes, I want to feel valued and worthy. And it all starts with me.