Lately my mind has been jam packed with “what if’s”. What if I had chosen a different major? What if I had done another year of MVC? What if this, what if that. It doesn’t end well. I get upset with myself, paranoid about the decisions I have made in my life.
I can’t do that anymore. The past is the past, what’s done is done. All I can do is move forward. Sometimes I feel like I’m all out of luck, maybe 2008-2009 used all of it. But then I remember- I am 23. I hate this age, I am more frustrated than ever that no one is giving me a chance, but it’s not the end. I’m working on my patience. I’m working on accepting life as it is. I’m working on not breaking down every time I get a “no” from a job. I’m working on not taking it personally. Because until I have confidence in myself, no one else will.
I don’t know when I will find a job. Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe next year. Maybe I’ll be in grad school soon. What I do know is I won’t give up. I will keep chasing after my dreams, I will find a way.
I’m making the decision to stop waiting to live and start living. To stop needing something to make me happy and just be happy. I will stop doubting myself. I will stop looking for answers. Some people may be rolling their eyes right now, thinking I’m nuts. But you know what else I’m going to stop doing? Caring what people think.
It’s not going to be easy, this new experiment of mine. But if I work at it, if I make that my mission, I believe things will start to really happen for me. Don’t worry; I’m going to keep working hard for what I want, just differently. I’m going to drop the fear, and live in the moment. This is my life, and while it may not be the one I’ve dreamed of, I need to learn to embrace it and not focus on the negative.
I hope you find the strength to do the same.
3 comments:
ummm, I love you. this post made so much sense to me right now, and I swear the Lord means for me to read your posts when I need to see them (not that I don't always enjoy them)
My first reaction to this post? I think we share a brain :-)
Seriously, I know exactly what you mean. It's hard, SO hard, to want something this badly and have it be reliant, in ways, on someone else giving you a chance. And, on the other end of the spectrum, it's easy, SO easy, to get swept up in the future and let the moments of today slip by in the process. I've been doing my best to live in the moment too, and I can honestly say that it makes such a difference.
You can do this. I know you can. Maybe we can be each other's cheerleader along the way :)
Have you ever read "Conquering Your Quarter-Life Crisis?" It helped me a lot when I as I struggled with the same thing.
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