Dear Laurence,
Two years ago, God brought you Home. You lived your short, 15 years on this earth and taught those who knew who how to live, how to love, how to fight. But then God needed you up in Heaven to be his special angel, to watch over us and give us clues and hints on how to live. You've been watching over us and I've felt your presence with me nearly every day.
Laurence, today more than ever I need you, I need your grace and wisdom. I am helping lead a retreat for a group of kids your age. Kids who are dealing with typical teenage stuff, and now trying to wrap their heads around a tragedy that has hit all of us very hard. I need your help. Help me to bring them guidance, and strength. Help me to know what they need and to give it to them. Help us to break down walls and boundaries and treat each other as equals.
I hope you've met Susan. I hope you found her and gave her a big hug and are holding her hand as she watches over her kids. Send us the strength we need as we grieve her loss. Send us knowledge and wisdom on how to move forward.
I miss you Laurence. I miss you every single day. I have never forgotten the things you did in your short 15 years here on earth, I have never forgotten your words or actions. Thank you for staying with me and guiding me. Your story will be told, I will finish the book and share with the world the goodness that you shared with me, with so many of us.
I'm going to Ft. Walton in April, buddy. Your daddy and little brother are coming with us. I can't wait to walk along the beach. Remember when we drove down together? And you kept asking "how many more minutes?". I'll never forget that, it's one of my fondest memories. Ft Watlon reminds me of you, more than any other place. I can't wait to talk to Joey about it, tell him about our car ride and how you insisted on drinking bug juice the whole way down. I'm going to drink it in your honor :) I'll eat an oyster for ya, too.
Your friends have kept on living your mission. Sam, Ali, all of them. They started a ONE club at school. They continue to make a difference, all because of what you taught them. Sam's off to college next year. I pray that she will find exactly who she's supposed to be. I know she will, because she has a very special angel by her side who will guide her.
We're going to celebrate Airplane Day this year in Ann Arbor. I can't wait to see your mom, your friends, and all the people who love you so dearly and to celebrate your life.
Laurence there are so many things about this world I don't understand. But I have to believe there is a reason for everything, I have to rely on my faith to get me through.
I love you, Laurence, so much, and carry you with me every day. Please help me this weekend as I grieve and as I help others to make it through. Please sit with Susan. If you can, take her smile and send it down to her beautiful children. Bring them comfort.
Miss you. See you one day.
Love,
Megan
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
rest in peace.
I honestly don't have the energy to muster up a "this is how I did" post about my week. This week sucked. Blew. Tore me apart, brought me down. There's no gentle way to put it. I did not keep up with my resolutions because that was the absolute least of my worries.
Most of you have heard by now that a very tragic event occur ed in my life this week. Someone who I admire, someone who I adore, was taken away from this world. Susan was, without a doubt, the sweetest woman I knew. Last year while I was on my job hunt, she asked me to come to her house every morning, get her kids up and ready for school and onto the bus. She cared a lot about her kids, and even though they were old enough to watch themselves, she felt better having someone there. That someone was me. I loved hanging with those kids every morning, they were sweet and never gave me any trouble. But even more than that, I loved seeing Susan's smiling face the minute I walked in the door. She was always smiling. Always. Never once did I walk in and see her without that smile. She would ask me how I was, how the job search was going, if I had any leads, and would tell me that I was on her prayer list and she hoped I would get a job soon. Before she left every morning, she had a cup of coffee made for me and would thank me- over and over- for coming over and watching the kids.
She didn't need to thank me. Susan was doing me a favor. She was giving me a reason to get up in the morning. She was showing me compassion and human kindness by keeping me in her prayers and encouraging me during my job hunt. She let me into her home and let me care for her beautiful children. I should have been thanking her. Susan showed me what it meant to be a mom. She lived her whole life for those kids.
I had just seen Susan a few weeks ago, when she picked up her oldest son from youth group, which I co-lead. There she was, smile on her face, asking me about my new job and telling me "thank you" for helping out with youth group. I once again came home and said to my mom "mrs jarrell has got to be the sweetest lady ever". Now I will never see he
Now Susan is gone, gone in a way that most of us cannot fathom or begin to grasp. Gone, and the kids are left with no parents. When my mom told me the news I crumbled. I cried. I screamed over and over "oh my god". I still cannot believe it. I still can't believe she's gone. I can't believe what those kids are going through. I can't believe the pain felt by all who knew her.
I want to say thank you for all the people who have had my back this week. Most of my coworkers have been amazing, offering to fill in where needed or just checking up on me. I'd like to particularly thank Sarah, Maggie, and Tierra for their support and lending a listening ear and open arms for a hug.
As most of you know, the youth group pulled together a prayer service on Thursday night in support of Nick. It was a beautiful ceremony. We are also going to have our youth group retreat this weekend, as planned. I imagine the kids will be very emotional. This kind of situation is difficult for anyone to understand, but teenagers especially. Please continue to pray for me, thank you.
I love and appreciate each and every one of you. Don't forget that. It's never too late to tell someone that you love them.
To Susan, I miss you, we all do, and we always will. I will never forget that smile. The world has truly lost a very special person. Your students were touched by your gentle ways, your compassion and understanding. Your kids know how much you loved them, how much you devoted your life to keeping them safe, healthy, and happy. And all of us that had the honor and blessing to know you, we thank you for coming into our lives and touching our hearts. We will take care of the kids, I promise. May you rest in sweet peace and send that smile down to us.
To my mom, who I know will yell at me for making her cry after reading this, Susan always said that you were her kids greatest teacher and biggest advocate. You led the fight to get Nick to UofD and she knows that. Susan loved you, mom, as so many other st hugo parents do. You are an incredible person who gives and gives so much of yourself to others. And I get to call you my mom. I get to nod my head when people tell me how great you are and say "yes, I know". We will get through this together mom. The St. Hugo Community has an angel among them, and her name is Mrs. Carolin.
Most of you have heard by now that a very tragic event occur ed in my life this week. Someone who I admire, someone who I adore, was taken away from this world. Susan was, without a doubt, the sweetest woman I knew. Last year while I was on my job hunt, she asked me to come to her house every morning, get her kids up and ready for school and onto the bus. She cared a lot about her kids, and even though they were old enough to watch themselves, she felt better having someone there. That someone was me. I loved hanging with those kids every morning, they were sweet and never gave me any trouble. But even more than that, I loved seeing Susan's smiling face the minute I walked in the door. She was always smiling. Always. Never once did I walk in and see her without that smile. She would ask me how I was, how the job search was going, if I had any leads, and would tell me that I was on her prayer list and she hoped I would get a job soon. Before she left every morning, she had a cup of coffee made for me and would thank me- over and over- for coming over and watching the kids.
She didn't need to thank me. Susan was doing me a favor. She was giving me a reason to get up in the morning. She was showing me compassion and human kindness by keeping me in her prayers and encouraging me during my job hunt. She let me into her home and let me care for her beautiful children. I should have been thanking her. Susan showed me what it meant to be a mom. She lived her whole life for those kids.
I had just seen Susan a few weeks ago, when she picked up her oldest son from youth group, which I co-lead. There she was, smile on her face, asking me about my new job and telling me "thank you" for helping out with youth group. I once again came home and said to my mom "mrs jarrell has got to be the sweetest lady ever". Now I will never see he
Now Susan is gone, gone in a way that most of us cannot fathom or begin to grasp. Gone, and the kids are left with no parents. When my mom told me the news I crumbled. I cried. I screamed over and over "oh my god". I still cannot believe it. I still can't believe she's gone. I can't believe what those kids are going through. I can't believe the pain felt by all who knew her.
I want to say thank you for all the people who have had my back this week. Most of my coworkers have been amazing, offering to fill in where needed or just checking up on me. I'd like to particularly thank Sarah, Maggie, and Tierra for their support and lending a listening ear and open arms for a hug.
As most of you know, the youth group pulled together a prayer service on Thursday night in support of Nick. It was a beautiful ceremony. We are also going to have our youth group retreat this weekend, as planned. I imagine the kids will be very emotional. This kind of situation is difficult for anyone to understand, but teenagers especially. Please continue to pray for me, thank you.
I love and appreciate each and every one of you. Don't forget that. It's never too late to tell someone that you love them.
To Susan, I miss you, we all do, and we always will. I will never forget that smile. The world has truly lost a very special person. Your students were touched by your gentle ways, your compassion and understanding. Your kids know how much you loved them, how much you devoted your life to keeping them safe, healthy, and happy. And all of us that had the honor and blessing to know you, we thank you for coming into our lives and touching our hearts. We will take care of the kids, I promise. May you rest in sweet peace and send that smile down to us.
To my mom, who I know will yell at me for making her cry after reading this, Susan always said that you were her kids greatest teacher and biggest advocate. You led the fight to get Nick to UofD and she knows that. Susan loved you, mom, as so many other st hugo parents do. You are an incredible person who gives and gives so much of yourself to others. And I get to call you my mom. I get to nod my head when people tell me how great you are and say "yes, I know". We will get through this together mom. The St. Hugo Community has an angel among them, and her name is Mrs. Carolin.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
from undecided to now
I went into college "undecided". I was tossing around different ideas in my head- education, nursing, social work, psychology. I took general studies classes, but I didn't really have any idea what I wanted to do. I had joined a sorority in the fall of my freshmen year, and that immediately became my main focus. I spent 95% of my time at the sorority house or with my sisters. School, and my future, were put on the back burner.
Once at my sorority house I was talking to my friend Marisa, who was a senior. She was, I think, training me on taking over her position of director of scholarship. Director of scholarship is in charge of making sure everyone's grades are up to par, we had to maintain a certain gpa to be allowed members of the sorority. It was also the role of the director of scholarship to help the girls who were struggling by setting up study hours, helping to find tutors and extra help, and, guide them to settle on a major. Marisa was the one who guided me. She didn't mean to, really, she just said "I'm a family studies major". I asked what that meant, she said it studied family dynamics, that it could lead to counseling and family outreach positions. That sounded just fine to me. I liked helping people, I liked studying human interaction. Family studies it is!
I declared family studies as my major my sophomore year and stuck with it. I was never really happy. I liked it, sure, and I liked my professors. I liked having all my classes with the star of our football team, Louis Delmas...but I still never felt like I was doing me. It just felt like I was going through the motions. I remained very involved in my sorority until the day we closed down due to lack of money and support from alumnae. On that day, I realized I really had nothing to show for. A shut down sorority and a major I wasn't happy with.
All of that changed when I landed my internship with the Kalamazoo Child Abuse and Neglect Council. Prior to that internship, I had my heart set on becoming a child life specialist. But after learning how competitive the field was, I gave up. Luckily, KCAN swooped in when I needed it. The organization was tiny. Just two full time staff members and a board of directors backing it up. My role was, primarily, outreach. My supervisor put me in charge of some pretty large projects, and even let me create some of my own. It was the first time I had really felt needed in a job, felt like I could make a difference. Although I wasn't working directly with families dealing with abuse, I was helping to prevent it by educating the community. I loved every minute of that internship. Plus it gave me confidence, and I started volunteering at the juvenile detention center on the side, helping the female residents learn to read and write.
After graduation I had no idea where to go next. KCAN was not hiring any more staff. I figured I would land at a YWCA or something similar, creating more outreach programs. Instead I ended up doing a year of volunteer service through the Mercy Volunteer Corps, where I was placed at Cristo Rey High School. I wore a number of hats at the school, running the lunch program, peer mediation, teaching creative writing, and filling in for other teachers. If we're talking about most incredible experiences of my life, MVC was, hands down, the winner. I learned so much about myself and society that year. I learned how to push myself, how to push others.
After MVC I was once again "lost" on the job front. I searched for months before I landed a job at Boys Hope Girls Hope. I was excited to work with at risk youth again. That job ended up being a really bad experience. Organization was falling apart and all I did, and I mean literally all I did, was drive kids back and forth to school or tutoring, listening to Nicki Minaj or Trey Songz. I quit that job in January 2011.
So where did that leave me? Once again, lost. I search for jobs all across the United States at places like the Y, hospitals, schools, nonprofits, you name it, I looked. Finally, my sister told me that her husband's cousin mentioned there might be a job opening at the hospice where she worked. "Is that something you'd be interested in?" she asked me. "Probably not. But I might as well", was my response. I just never pictured myself in and administrative setting, much less a hospice. But, 9 months later, here I am, the volunteer coordinator for a hospice. I love my job, I do. I am back to doing outreach and managing programs, which is where I excelled at KCAN and Cristo Rey. Am I doing what a family studies major "should" be doing? Heck if I know. Does it matter? Probably not. I have a job, I'm fairly decent at my job, and it's giving me a whole heap of experience and networking tools. And yes, I'm happy, career wise.
So that, my friends, is my very up and down account of my field of study leading to my career. Random post, I know, but I was thinking about what led me to where I am today.
Once at my sorority house I was talking to my friend Marisa, who was a senior. She was, I think, training me on taking over her position of director of scholarship. Director of scholarship is in charge of making sure everyone's grades are up to par, we had to maintain a certain gpa to be allowed members of the sorority. It was also the role of the director of scholarship to help the girls who were struggling by setting up study hours, helping to find tutors and extra help, and, guide them to settle on a major. Marisa was the one who guided me. She didn't mean to, really, she just said "I'm a family studies major". I asked what that meant, she said it studied family dynamics, that it could lead to counseling and family outreach positions. That sounded just fine to me. I liked helping people, I liked studying human interaction. Family studies it is!
I declared family studies as my major my sophomore year and stuck with it. I was never really happy. I liked it, sure, and I liked my professors. I liked having all my classes with the star of our football team, Louis Delmas...but I still never felt like I was doing me. It just felt like I was going through the motions. I remained very involved in my sorority until the day we closed down due to lack of money and support from alumnae. On that day, I realized I really had nothing to show for. A shut down sorority and a major I wasn't happy with.
All of that changed when I landed my internship with the Kalamazoo Child Abuse and Neglect Council. Prior to that internship, I had my heart set on becoming a child life specialist. But after learning how competitive the field was, I gave up. Luckily, KCAN swooped in when I needed it. The organization was tiny. Just two full time staff members and a board of directors backing it up. My role was, primarily, outreach. My supervisor put me in charge of some pretty large projects, and even let me create some of my own. It was the first time I had really felt needed in a job, felt like I could make a difference. Although I wasn't working directly with families dealing with abuse, I was helping to prevent it by educating the community. I loved every minute of that internship. Plus it gave me confidence, and I started volunteering at the juvenile detention center on the side, helping the female residents learn to read and write.
After graduation I had no idea where to go next. KCAN was not hiring any more staff. I figured I would land at a YWCA or something similar, creating more outreach programs. Instead I ended up doing a year of volunteer service through the Mercy Volunteer Corps, where I was placed at Cristo Rey High School. I wore a number of hats at the school, running the lunch program, peer mediation, teaching creative writing, and filling in for other teachers. If we're talking about most incredible experiences of my life, MVC was, hands down, the winner. I learned so much about myself and society that year. I learned how to push myself, how to push others.
After MVC I was once again "lost" on the job front. I searched for months before I landed a job at Boys Hope Girls Hope. I was excited to work with at risk youth again. That job ended up being a really bad experience. Organization was falling apart and all I did, and I mean literally all I did, was drive kids back and forth to school or tutoring, listening to Nicki Minaj or Trey Songz. I quit that job in January 2011.
So where did that leave me? Once again, lost. I search for jobs all across the United States at places like the Y, hospitals, schools, nonprofits, you name it, I looked. Finally, my sister told me that her husband's cousin mentioned there might be a job opening at the hospice where she worked. "Is that something you'd be interested in?" she asked me. "Probably not. But I might as well", was my response. I just never pictured myself in and administrative setting, much less a hospice. But, 9 months later, here I am, the volunteer coordinator for a hospice. I love my job, I do. I am back to doing outreach and managing programs, which is where I excelled at KCAN and Cristo Rey. Am I doing what a family studies major "should" be doing? Heck if I know. Does it matter? Probably not. I have a job, I'm fairly decent at my job, and it's giving me a whole heap of experience and networking tools. And yes, I'm happy, career wise.
So that, my friends, is my very up and down account of my field of study leading to my career. Random post, I know, but I was thinking about what led me to where I am today.
Friday, January 6, 2012
conquer, week 1.
So the first week of 2012 is over- we survived. Barely. I mean wow 2012, way to come in with a bang.
First of all, work has been absolutely insane. I've been working on stuff until 10:30 every night, trying to get my ducks in a row. I get to work by 8, and am constantly busy. Whether it's on the road for meetings or running around the office getting stuff together, I'm nonstop. It's not always like this, it kind of comes and goes. I compare it to a game of jenga. Once it's quiet and steady, something jerks it and the whole thing falls apart. Next week will also be busy, but I won't be on the road quite as much. I just need a vacation. I know we kind of just had one with our Christmas and New Years, but I only had the Monday's after each holiday off, and even then I was running around. My back and shoulders ache from stress. I need a few days to just chill. But that won't be happening, since I work this Saturday, next Saturday, and I'm moving out. C'monnnn February! Bring some peace, please! I think I'm going to make a rule of no longer working on Saturday's. I can't get burned out.
So, as far as my resolutions, I've actually been doing pretty well.
Writing: I have been writing every day in my journal. So glad I'm back to doing that. Actually last night I stayed up until 1 am reading my journals from 09-10. I can't wait to one day give those to my children so they can read about my year with the Mercy Volunteer Corps. Anyways, here are some excerpts from stuff I wrote this week:
Sometimes I still think of you
I keep it a secret inside my heart
IF they knew they'd call me crazy
What they don't know is
How crazy I was for you
They don't know the promises you made me
They don't know you held on too long
And they sure don't know
No they don't know
That I haven't been the same
Since you said no
To us
I still think of what we could have been
You were almost the Noah to my Allie
But now the only notebook
Is the one where I write to you
The letters that you'll never read
They don't know the promises you made me
They don't know you held on too long
And they sure don't know
No they don't know
That I haven't been the same
Since you said no
To us
That summer was good to us
16 months went by and winter destroyed us
It wasn't the cold that took my breath away
It was the broken promises
The distance
And it all fell apart
When you said no to us
One of these days I'll have it all together
One of these days I won't worry
Yeah things are gonna be fine
One of these days
I'll push through the fear
Life will treat me kindly
I'll be in a better place
Oh one of these days
Diet/Exercise: I'd give myself a B. I've been wrting down what I eat on www.livestrong.com (highly recommend it, I think they have an app for you iphone people- it's super easy to use and breaks it down for you). But I haven't been exercising other than talking my dog for a walk around the block. I have to make a decision on gyms...whether I will stay with my Y with the amazing equipment and classes, or move to the Y closer to my new house that's not as up to date facility wise. Hope to decide next week.
Reading: I started two novels between Christmas/New Years that I really could not get into. So, I caved, and I started Hunger Games. Um, thank you to the million people who forced me into it, because holy cow! It's so addicting, and interesting, and fresh! I can't get enough of it. I'm just about halfway through and anticipate being finished by tomorrow night. So good!
Breaking Shyness: Well this week has kind of forced me to do that, and I'm really excited about it. I have really shown that I can be a leader if I push myself hard enough. Outside of the workplace, I did have an experience at Best Buy. I know that sounds crazy. But just hear me out for a second. Part of my social anxiety really hits at stores/restaurants. Because I hate talking to strangers I don't like talking to sales associates or waiters, etc. I hate looking them in the eye and I get totally nervous. I get a headache and my hands clam up, really fast. Well, I had to go to Best Buy to get a new laptop. I knew going in this wasn't just a grab it and go deal, I'd have to talk to the associates. So I did. I asked a few questions and explained what I was looking for to the sales guy, Justin. When I settled on a computer, we learned they didn't have any of that kind in stock. He said I could have the display one. That seemed fine to me. He went to ring me up and we kept talking-not just about the computer. I learned that he's been at Best Buy for five years, he's twenty days older than me, and in six months he'll be out of Best Buy and hopefully at a "real" job in IT. He learned that I work for a hospice, that I'll be out of my parents house soon. Now I realize this all just seems like casual conversation to all of you, but for me, it was a major win.
He also told me that because I was such a nice customer he was going to give me $50 off the computer. He also gave me a three year antivirus program for the price of the two years. So, I learned my lesson- talk, be nice :-D
By the way, my focus word for 2012 is conquer. Let's go. Let's do this thing.
First of all, work has been absolutely insane. I've been working on stuff until 10:30 every night, trying to get my ducks in a row. I get to work by 8, and am constantly busy. Whether it's on the road for meetings or running around the office getting stuff together, I'm nonstop. It's not always like this, it kind of comes and goes. I compare it to a game of jenga. Once it's quiet and steady, something jerks it and the whole thing falls apart. Next week will also be busy, but I won't be on the road quite as much. I just need a vacation. I know we kind of just had one with our Christmas and New Years, but I only had the Monday's after each holiday off, and even then I was running around. My back and shoulders ache from stress. I need a few days to just chill. But that won't be happening, since I work this Saturday, next Saturday, and I'm moving out. C'monnnn February! Bring some peace, please! I think I'm going to make a rule of no longer working on Saturday's. I can't get burned out.
So, as far as my resolutions, I've actually been doing pretty well.
Writing: I have been writing every day in my journal. So glad I'm back to doing that. Actually last night I stayed up until 1 am reading my journals from 09-10. I can't wait to one day give those to my children so they can read about my year with the Mercy Volunteer Corps. Anyways, here are some excerpts from stuff I wrote this week:
Sometimes I still think of you
I keep it a secret inside my heart
IF they knew they'd call me crazy
What they don't know is
How crazy I was for you
They don't know the promises you made me
They don't know you held on too long
And they sure don't know
No they don't know
That I haven't been the same
Since you said no
To us
I still think of what we could have been
You were almost the Noah to my Allie
But now the only notebook
Is the one where I write to you
The letters that you'll never read
They don't know the promises you made me
They don't know you held on too long
And they sure don't know
No they don't know
That I haven't been the same
Since you said no
To us
That summer was good to us
16 months went by and winter destroyed us
It wasn't the cold that took my breath away
It was the broken promises
The distance
And it all fell apart
When you said no to us
One of these days I'll have it all together
One of these days I won't worry
Yeah things are gonna be fine
One of these days
I'll push through the fear
Life will treat me kindly
I'll be in a better place
Oh one of these days
Diet/Exercise: I'd give myself a B. I've been wrting down what I eat on www.livestrong.com (highly recommend it, I think they have an app for you iphone people- it's super easy to use and breaks it down for you). But I haven't been exercising other than talking my dog for a walk around the block. I have to make a decision on gyms...whether I will stay with my Y with the amazing equipment and classes, or move to the Y closer to my new house that's not as up to date facility wise. Hope to decide next week.
Reading: I started two novels between Christmas/New Years that I really could not get into. So, I caved, and I started Hunger Games. Um, thank you to the million people who forced me into it, because holy cow! It's so addicting, and interesting, and fresh! I can't get enough of it. I'm just about halfway through and anticipate being finished by tomorrow night. So good!
Breaking Shyness: Well this week has kind of forced me to do that, and I'm really excited about it. I have really shown that I can be a leader if I push myself hard enough. Outside of the workplace, I did have an experience at Best Buy. I know that sounds crazy. But just hear me out for a second. Part of my social anxiety really hits at stores/restaurants. Because I hate talking to strangers I don't like talking to sales associates or waiters, etc. I hate looking them in the eye and I get totally nervous. I get a headache and my hands clam up, really fast. Well, I had to go to Best Buy to get a new laptop. I knew going in this wasn't just a grab it and go deal, I'd have to talk to the associates. So I did. I asked a few questions and explained what I was looking for to the sales guy, Justin. When I settled on a computer, we learned they didn't have any of that kind in stock. He said I could have the display one. That seemed fine to me. He went to ring me up and we kept talking-not just about the computer. I learned that he's been at Best Buy for five years, he's twenty days older than me, and in six months he'll be out of Best Buy and hopefully at a "real" job in IT. He learned that I work for a hospice, that I'll be out of my parents house soon. Now I realize this all just seems like casual conversation to all of you, but for me, it was a major win.
He also told me that because I was such a nice customer he was going to give me $50 off the computer. He also gave me a three year antivirus program for the price of the two years. So, I learned my lesson- talk, be nice :-D
By the way, my focus word for 2012 is conquer. Let's go. Let's do this thing.
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