Sunday, June 7, 2015

2 years.

Tomorrow is June 8th. You're probably wondering why I'm telling you that, because, most likely, you already know that. (If you didn't, you're welcome!)

But June 8th is an extremely important date in my life.

It started with this:

June 8th, 2013, is the day that I decided (with the help of my parents and a few close friends) to lose weight. That statement in itself is enough of a celebration. It's been two years on a weight loss journey, I am down a whopping 116 lbs because of it. I have dropped 5 sizes. I can move faster, lift heavier weights, and I have built endurance.

But, this is so much more than about the weight loss, you guys.

This is about 2 years of being in recovery.

If you've been reading this blog for two years or longer you know the struggle I've had in the past with food- and how I used to turn to it for everything. Anxiety, anger, loneliness, happiness, comfort. Whatever my emotion, I matched it by eating. Prior to June 8th, 2013, I was consuming over 2,000 calories a day. Most of my meals consisted of fast food, or packaged crud. I snacked on chips, candy, fries, ice cream, etc. I made special trips to the store just to purchase something that I could binge on later. All because I didn't know how else to deal with my emotions. All because I found comfort in food, and in my mind, the only way to "feel better", or to "celebrate", was with food. There were times I was so anxious before a party that I would eat a full meal before I left, only to continue eating at the party, and eating again afterwards as I picked apart everything I said, worrying that maybe I made someone mad or upset with me.

But now it's been 2 years. Two years since I have had a binge, two years of saying "no thank you" when offered trigger foods, two years CLEAN and FREE.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I being so open about an issue that I could choose to keep private?

Because I'm not ashamed. It's not something that is easy to talk about, nor is it fun, but it's a part of my history. And I am so proud of myself for choosing to put that path behind me, and to have been able to move past it.

When my dad was so sick, a few of my friends made comments that they firmly believe I wouldn't have been able to get through those months had I not been the healthy version of me that I was. I 100% agree. I'm sure I would have made it through, somehow...but it would have been 10 times harder. That's just one example. The simple fact that I was able to make it through those horrendous times WITHOUT food as my escape is a miracle and a sign of how strong and resilient I have become.

So June 8th is not just any ordinary day. And it's not simply the day I started losing weight. It's the day I began to recover. It's the day I chose to become a warrior against something that was holding me back. It's the day that I was set free.

June 8th, for me, is almost like a second birthday celebration, except without the facebook wishes and texts to prove it. It's a day for me to celebrate ME and my recovery. I took tomorrow off of work. Could seem dramatic, but I've got over 100 hours of PTO that I need to start using. And my workplace is all about celebrating birthday's. For me, June 8th is a reminder that because I've chosen this journey. I WILL get to have more birthday's.

How will I celebrate tomorrow? By treating myself well. I will probably do yoga, and go to my Monday night kickboxing class. I'll go to the grocery store and get my healthy groceries for the week. I'll do some writing. I'll send messages to the people who heard my cry for help back in 2014 and answered them by helping me get on the right track. But mostly, I'll just sit with my thoughts, and just be at peace. Peace....the one thing I've always wanted in my life. The one thing I never thought I would have. But now I do. Not constantly, of course, there are days when things aren't so great. But the difference is, I can always find my peace again. And I don't need food to do it.

I want to thank every single person who was supported me through this journey. There really are no words I can say that would properly express how I feel for all of my fantastic family and friends who have been there with me. I never expected to have this much love and support shown toward me- even if it's just a "like" on Facebook or Instagram. You are all beautiful people and I want you to know that you are capable of achieving whatever it is you set your mind to. Our souls are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and just when we think "I can't", there is a little spark inside that ignites that replies "I will".

No comments: