5 Months

My Dearest Ryan;
Happy 5 months, love. This is also your "Lent letter". For the past four years or so, I write letters to people in my life to remind them how much I love them. Don't worry, one day you'll understand what that all means. For now, you just need to know that I love you.

March was one hectic month for your aunt meggers- to say the least. I felt a hurt and an anger I had never known before. But with the help of my family and friends, I made it through. I hope that we always give you that kind of support, and that you know you can come to us whenever your heart hurts. We care about you and we want to protect you and help jump over all your hurdles in life.

I came over to see you one day in the midst of my little "bump". You made me laugh and feel so much better. You were playing with a little toy that makes music, and you seemed so intrigued by it. I hope music always makes you feel like that, because music truly is the universal language  And it's also very powerful- no matter how you are feeling, there's always a song to match it. Anyways, when I was visiting you I just kept staring at you in awe. I gave you a little talk about how to treat girls. Which, by the way, is pretty simple: don't lie to them.

At one point in my visit, you just looked up and stared at me. I swear I heard a little voice say "you're going to be okay". I know it sounds crazy, but I heard it, and I know it was you talking to me, sending me a little message of comfort. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment.

You also learned how to laugh out loud this month. I heard it for the first time when we had a family movie night watching Les Miserables. Your mommy was being silly and singing to you, and you were kicking your feet up in the air. You giggled, so happy to be there with us and in the arms of your mommy. It was adorable.

Easter is tomorrow and I get to see you and your mommy and daddy. I'm very excited. Easter is one of my favorite holidays, because it's so important for our faith. You'll learn all about that later in life. For now just know that Jesus loves you so much. And Easter is just one example of how much He loves you.

So even though this was a rough month for Aunt Megan, I want you to know that you helped me through. I have a feeling you always will, and I am always here for you. We're on the same team.

I love you, Ryan!

Finish Line.

I got really behind on my Lent letters. Like, really behind. So on Sunday I started whipping them out. But I didn't want them to be too rushed to take away meaning. So I made sure to really focus on the person I was writing to and pray for God to give me the right words. By Sunday evening, my left hand was swollen. No, seriously, it was swollen. It was about twice the size of my right hand and my roommate Lauren made me ice it and elevate it.

I now have just 7 more letters to go. 4 of those are immediate family members. The others are friends. I had to type a total of four letters-but out of 90, I'd say that's pretty good, right?

This project has been extremely fulfilling and has helped me to keep my mind off of my recent personal challenges. I have been able to push them aside and work on pouring out positive words to my friends, family, and coworkers. I have loved the responses. I got several thank you e-mails, one hand written card, a few Facebook messages. It's been fun.

Lent in general has been fun. I didn't stick with the Facebook and twitter thing, mostly due to the fact that I was doing that with someone and well, he broke some promises, so I broke mine. I sort of regret that, and wish I had just continued to stay off social media. But oh well. Life goes on. I have not had meat, aside from one chicken finger and a bite of Lauren's turkey burger. I am SO. SICK. of tuna. It's time for meat.

I really enjoyed this Lenten season. I am glad to be reaching the finish line, but overall I do feel more fulfilled. God has been so good to me.

On a totally random note- the A-Z blogging challenge begins on Monday, April 1st. I have decided to go with a "memories" theme. My challenge for myself is to make them positive memories- or, if they aren't so happy, finding the positive in them. My other challenge is to try and share memories that I haven't talked about on my blog before. That's a little difficult, considering I have had this blog for 4 years. But most of the memories I'll be talking about during the blog challenge are from childhood or high school. I hope that you'll check back during the month of April and read some of my stories. I'm having fun writing them, and excited to share them with you.

Hope you have a blessed weekend. For those of you who get a vacation, enjoy it for me.

beautiful spirit.

I'm gearing up for the A-Z Blog Challenge and preparing to write a whole lot of blogs. I also have a ton of letters to write still for my Lent project. But today I can't concentrate on those things. I want to write about something else. I had the hardest time figuring it out, but I just knew something was inside me that had to come out on this blog. So I did what I usually do when I get stuck: When to twitter. And my sweet friend Ashley is responsible for sparking inspiration in me, because she answered my plea with this "Share insight: what makes someone have a beautiful spirit, in your opinion?"

Whoop, there it is.

The past week has taught me that people can surprise you and do things that hurt you, even when they were the last person in the world you ever thought would hurt you. But it's also taught me that even more intriguing than people's hidden negative qualities are the beautiful qualities in people that are hidden.

Someone with a beautiful spirit is someone who cares, and I mean cares, for other people. You have such a genuine concern for their feelings that you think before you speak because you don't want to hurt them. You are positive, and let that positive energy reach others around you. You are loyal, you don't judge others. You don't need attention or praise. You do good because it's the right thing to do. You give all that you have into everything you do. You see the sadness in others and do whatever you can to eliminate that sadness.

Be beautiful by being the most positive you that you can be. Turn your anger and frustrations into blessings and gratitude. Tell people what they mean to you. Be beautiful by doing beautiful things for others.

healing.

Sometimes life comes down at you all at once. Sometimes people you care about betray you, unexpected bills come through the mail, your car is falling apart and there's nothing you can do about it. This is all hypothetical, of course.

What makes me feel better in all of this? My faith in God and knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The fact that I discovered that I still had over 1,000 dollars from my education award to put toward student loans. My friends who make me laugh. My family who support me through the good and bad times. My coworkers who keep checking on me and asking what they can do to help or listening to me vent.

You know one thing I keep hearing through this whole situation is "You deserve so much better". I know I do. I know that I am a good person who deeply cares for people and deserves the same. That's not what upsets me. But a year ago? It would have upset me. I would have just felt like it was all my fault, that something was wrong with me, that no one could possibly care about me. That's how I know I am getting stronger- I don't feel that way now.

Things are rocky, but they could be worse and I will fight through this time of my life like I have fought through everything else. And I'm getting better. Plus, there are worse things that can happen.

I went to see my little nephew yesterday. That was the best medicine I have given myself, ever. He made everything feel better. There was a moment where he just stared at me dead on. I swear in that moment I heard a little voice say "you're going to be okay". One of my friends, after hearing this, said "listen to Ryan! He's still really close to God!". I loved the way she said that. I think God was using Ryan to speak to me. I honestly felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I know, send me to the looney bin. But I heard it, and I felt it. Thanks Ryan.

And thank you, friends, for being there for me. I promise my blogs won't be focused on this much longer. It's almost time for the A-Z challenge, after all! But I have to let some of this out, and a very wise person told me not to dismiss my feelings.

Of course, music helps too. Here are some of the songs that have been on repeat.

1. Bruno Mars, Natalie

2. Kelly Clarkson, You Love Me

3. The Spill Canvas, All Hail The Heartbreaker 

4. Never Shout Never, Liar Liar 

5. Taylor Swift, We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together

I Refuse To Sink.

Until yesterday evening, I had a really good week. I felt on top of the world. Things were going great and I was happy. I officially said my goodbyes to one of my offices as the new volunteer coorindator ended her orientation period. They threw me a really nice surprise party. I ordered my goregous maid of honor dress. My roommate won an Outstanding Service Award at work. My intern was recognized as Student of the Year for the social work program at Oakland Unviersity. My volleyball team advanced to the championship game. Things were going so well.

And then it all came crashing down in a matter of moments. No details needed, just someone hurt me. Badly.

I could go two ways here. I could lay in bed for the entire weekend listening to sad songs and wondering what I did to desereve this. I could shut out the world. I could go into a state of depression and zombie mode.

Or I could take a deep breath and keep living. And that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to be stronger. I am going to laugh. I am not going to cancel meetings or avoid people because I'm feeling hurt. I'm going to surround myself with good people and know that I did not deserve to be treated like that. I know that I am a good person, and that I did nothing but treat this person with love and compassion.

One of my volunteers in training said this to me today, without knowing my situation AT ALL.... "There is nothing more important in life than the way you treat people". I looked at her and said "Thank you". She worded it perfectly. And you know what, it's not just how you treat other people. It's how you treat yourself. So treat yourself kindly, and treat others with love. And for Christ's sake, don't lie.

I refuse to sink. I know I am stronger than I was a year ago because back then this would have ruined me. Not anymore. I saw a side of myself last night I wasn't sure existed. Now I know how strong I can be.

embrace your quirks

There's a new girl at work, and she and I have been sort of forced to spend a whole lot of time together. My job usually calls for me working solo- I dip into every different department, but for the most part, it's all me. So spending every single day with someone has been interesting. We've had to get to know each other really well. Lucky for us we get along super well, too. We have the same sense of humor and similar goals.

Once we were swapping super random facts about each other. She told me she loves ducks and feeds the ones that come up to her back porch, and I told her I can't wait to see Oz because I love anything and everything related to the Wizard of Oz. As we were swapping these facts, I thought "I'm going to remember this girl. I'm going to remember this conversation". It's not often that you can have those kinds of interactions with your coworkers. OR with anyone, really. And maybe it's somewhat meaningless, but sometimes I think it's more important to focus on the little things. I also think it's important to be proud of those little things that make you- well- you. Don't be ashamed of your little quirks. Let your freak flag fly. Baby, you were born this way!

But seriously. Be proud of who you are and all of the little things that make you such a cool person. Be real with yourself and be real with others. Life is much more fun that way.

Life Update
We have about 4 more weeks of Lent. I got a little behind on my letters but by the end of this weekend I should be all caught up. I have a bunch to put in the mail. The response from them has been really amazing. Especially the reaction from coworkers. I just get the feeling that they really didn't know how much they meant to me until they read those letters. Now they know.

I ate meat once (a bite of Lauren's turkey burger). I am getting really sick of fish. Literally. I literally got really sick from fish this week.

I had to go on Facebook once to check on something for my volunteers, but other than that I have stayed away. Twitter too. Twitter is much more difficult.

I read two great books recently- 10 Girls to Watch and Mr. Penumbra's 24 Hour Bookstore. I loved both. They were different from each other, but equally great. Now I am reading Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend and it's hard for me to put it down- amazing writing!

Watching Idol. Pretty much the only show I am really watching these days. It's not a great season, kids. My favorites are Kree, Candice, Angie, Paul, and Vincent. Although I'm pretty sure Vincent will be eliminated tonight. Sad face.

I suppose that's about it. I hope you're all doing well. Remember to embrace your quirks.