What makes me feel better in all of this? My faith in God and knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The fact that I discovered that I still had over 1,000 dollars from my education award to put toward student loans. My friends who make me laugh. My family who support me through the good and bad times. My coworkers who keep checking on me and asking what they can do to help or listening to me vent.
You know one thing I keep hearing through this whole situation is "You deserve so much better". I know I do. I know that I am a good person who deeply cares for people and deserves the same. That's not what upsets me. But a year ago? It would have upset me. I would have just felt like it was all my fault, that something was wrong with me, that no one could possibly care about me. That's how I know I am getting stronger- I don't feel that way now.
Things are rocky, but they could be worse and I will fight through this time of my life like I have fought through everything else. And I'm getting better. Plus, there are worse things that can happen.
I went to see my little nephew yesterday. That was the best medicine I have given myself, ever. He made everything feel better. There was a moment where he just stared at me dead on. I swear in that moment I heard a little voice say "you're going to be okay". One of my friends, after hearing this, said "listen to Ryan! He's still really close to God!". I loved the way she said that. I think God was using Ryan to speak to me. I honestly felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I know, send me to the looney bin. But I heard it, and I felt it. Thanks Ryan.
And thank you, friends, for being there for me. I promise my blogs won't be focused on this much longer. It's almost time for the A-Z challenge, after all! But I have to let some of this out, and a very wise person told me not to dismiss my feelings.
Of course, music helps too. Here are some of the songs that have been on repeat.
1. Bruno Mars, Natalie
3. The Spill Canvas, All Hail The Heartbreaker
4. Never Shout Never, Liar Liar
5. Taylor Swift, We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together