Dear Nicole Arbour...

Before I begin my open letter to Nicole Arbour, allow me to give some back story to all those reading.

Nicole Arbour is a Youtuber (and self proclaimed "comedian"). She has a history of pissing people off. Last week, she made a video titled "Dear Fat People". In this video, she spits out hatred and disgust toward overweight people. She says that fat shaming doesn't exist...and she claims that she is making this video to "help people" because she cares about them and wants them to live longer.

This video has made it's way around news circuits. Other Youtubers have made their responses. Their are some heated discussions happening. People have very strong opinions about the video, and about Nicole.

And as a former "fat person", I certainly had a lot of feelings when I watched this video. So here I am, to share those thoughts.

Dear Nicole;
By now I am sure you've heard every type of response to your video. I know there's no way you will ever read this one, nor do I think it will change your mind about fat people. 

First of all, I can 100% agree that obesity is a concern. I work for the American Cancer Society and I know that diet and exercise play into your chances of being diagnosed with cancer. But I also know that there are perfectly healthy, THIN people who are diagnosed with cancer or other diseases. Being fat does NOT equal a death sentence or a diagnosis. It does not always mean unhealthy, same as being thin does not always mean healthy. But, yes, obesity is a concern. I am a huge advocate of healthy lunches in schools, getting people to move more and cut out crappy, processed foods. I get it-it would be great if we were all healthier. But there's a problem- it's not that easy.

In your video, you made the statement that you are jealous of fat people, because they get to eat whatever they want. That was the moment where my blood started to boil. That was the moment where your video became all too real for me.

Nicole, I was once obese. And do you know how I got to be obese? It wasn't because I was lazy or because I loved food and loved getting to eat whatever I wanted. It was because I was suffering from depression and anxiety, and it sparked a food addiction. Much like individuals turn to alcohol or drugs, I turned to food to comfort me. Now I know they are some people who think that food addiction doesn't exist or that it would be an easy addiction to have. That is not the case. My years of suffering from a food addiction were the darkest years of my life. I hated who I was, so I didn't care that I was killing myself with food. I barely left my house, I lost friends, I never had a serious relationship. I felt worthless. And every time I tried to stop, my depression/anxiety told me I wasn't worth getting better...that I would never be loved...that I would be better off this way. Each day I had to force myself out of bed because I didn't want to face the world. I would never wish that amount of loneliness, unhappiness, or self destruction on anyone. It nearly destroyed me. 

Are you still jealous? Do you want to be the me that I was a few years ago? Have at it. Tell me how it feels. Let me know what it's like to sneak food into your bedroom so no one sees you binge...or how it feels to be so sick to your stomach that you are lying on your bathroom floor. Or to look in the mirror and hate yourself. Tell me how jealous you are then.

You also say that "fat shaming doesn't exist". Your video negates that point pretty quickly, since that's all you are doing in your video. But trust me, it exists. It existed every time someone stared at me, or laughed at me, or called me names. It exists, and it's getting worse.

I've lost 125 lbs. I'm in recovery from my food addiction. I didn't lose weight because people like you told me I had to, or because people like you called me disgusting. I lost the weight because I figured out a way to handle my anxiety and depression that wasn't food. I stopped letting it control me...I became free. I lost the weight when I dropped the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I'm so worried for people who have your mindset. People who think that you are "Helping" others by making fun of them, tearing them apart, calling them names. That. Doesn't. Work. In fact, it often causes more problems than good. Here's what you can do instead. If there really is someone in your life whom you are worried about because of their weight, you have a conversation with them about it. You tell them you are worried. You do not call them disgusting, or tell them it's "so easy" or that you are jealous of them because they can eat whatever they want. You help them determine what the bigger issue is, and you help them work through it as best you can. That's what my parents did for me, and here I am 125 lbs lighter. That's what works. Not yelling into a camera about how awful it is to be fat.

Your video was a big trigger for me. After I watched it I just felt so sad and heavy. I wanted to lay in bed all day and be sad about it. As I mentioned above, when I was at my worst, and my highest weight, I felt worthless. Your video basically said "yes, you are worthless". My heart broke for the girl I was a few years ago when I watched your video. And I'm a 28 year old grown woman, so I can't imagine the impact your video had on young teens who are struggling with body issues. Maybe you think that's not your problem but as a human being who is trying to be a household name, I'd say it is your problem. You are well aware of your audience and who may stumble on your video.

In closing, Nicole, I have this icky feeling that you aren't going to change your mind. I've seen your Twitter feed and the way you've responded to critics like me, and it isn't pretty. You don't seem to care how hurtful your video actually was. You call it comedy and satire. You just don't get it.....and you may never get it. But I certainly hope that reading stories like mine opens your mind a bit. I hope you learn to use your platform for good. And I certainly hope that you have learned some things along the way. In today's world there are a lot of ways to get your 15 minutes of fame, I'm utterly confused as to why you chose this route.

Thanks,
Megan

Lilly Pulitzer and Fearing Fat as Motivation

Once again, the idea of "fat shaming" has made the news. What happened this time?

New York Magazine published a "behind the scenes photo tour" of Lilly Pultizer's headquarters. For those who don't know, Lilly Pullitzer is a pretty famous clothing brand known for it's bright colors.Their stuff is cute, and recently became available at Target.  Anyways, this photo was part of the "photo tour"

If you can't read the text of the pictures, they read " The captions read, "Just another day of fat, white and hideous... You should probably just kill yourself," and "Put it down, carb face."

At first, this seems really bad for Lilly Pultizer as a brand. Like, really bad. A women's clothing company terrorizing larger women? Not cool, not cool at all.

But upon further investigation, apparently these pictures are posted in an employee's cubicle. Her personal space.

Meaning- these pictures must serve as some sort of motivation for her or something- she's clearly pretty terrified to gain weight and seems to think that being fat is worthy of killing oneself. Which is a damn shame.

It's a shame because no one, no matter where you work or what kind of clothes you wear, should feel this way- yet, we all do it. Maybe not to this extent, but we do. We strive for these perfect bodies, and we're terrified of looking "fat". But the even more complex part of that is that we all have different ideas of what "fat" is. So we beat ourselves up over every little pound that we gain, or every stretch mark on our body, because we align those things with failure.

It's not just this employee that does this and while it's a bit confusing to me that she would have this up in her workplace, I can't call her a horrible person or pint a finger at her. Because as much as I preach body positivity, I too, get down on myself.  I have also used looks as motivation. I don't like that I do, but I'm human.

So maybe instead of attacking this employee, we need to have deeper conversations about the root of this issue as a whole. WHY IS BEING FAT THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD? Why? I would love to explore that question with the world. I want to know answers.

Some may answer "it's gross" and to that I again say- why? Who determines what's "gross" and what's beautiful? Is there some sort of regulation that tells us people over a certain weight or bmi are now considered gross? I don't think so. Other's may argue that it's unhealthy, which is just a cop out answer. Fat does not equal unhealthy. Skinny does not equal anorexia. We keep trying to put people in boxes and it just doesn't work that way. I don't know about you, but I rather like the fact that there are so many different kinds of people walking this earth. Comparing and contrasting needs to stop- appreciating each other for all that we are is where we need to head.

To the employee who posted these drawings and these words, I hope that after today you've had some deep reflection and that you learn to love yourself. Quit looking for perfection in your body type and just be happy with the way you are. Also, please know that as a former fat girl, being fat is really not that scary, nor is it the worst thing in the world to be.

To the rest of the world, let's stop shaming OURSELVES or others as motivation. You want some inspiring words or pictures to hang in your cubicle? There's this thing called the internet. You can google "motivational quotes" all day long. If that doesn't do it for you, post a picture of something you've always wanted to do or that you will do when you lose the weight. If it's motivation to not gain weight, post a picture of yourself looking fabulous in the size you are now. That way, when you can look at it, your thoughts will be "Damn, I look good".  Because you do.