I Have This Hope

When someone you love has cancer, people try to tell you to be positive. They encourage you to live your life to the fullest, to cherish every moment, to take one step at a time. And for the most part, you can do that. You can take a deep breath and move forward, living life as normally as you can, accepting that cancer is just a little extra burden that you have to carry around.

But, because cancer is unpredictable, sometimes it decides to sucker punch you in the gut. You lose your positivity. Your strength starts to fade. You can't imagine how you're going to take one step forward, because you're so damn tired. And you try so hard to be positive, to look on the bright side, to hold onto hope, but cancer puts a dreariness over your world that you didn't even know was possible.

I've said before that cancer is a rollercoaster. One minute things are fine, the next you're going downhill fast, until someone or something sends you back up again.

My family has been on the cancer rollercoaster for almost four years now, and frankly, I hate it. We seem to have jumped ship to an even rockier, scarier rollercoaster now. I never asked for that, thank you very much.

It's been about 4 weeks since we found out that my dad's cancer had spread to his spinal fluid. He was put on chemo, which (we think) sent him into a weird state of confusion/unresponsiveness. He has pulled out of that now, but the poor guy is very weak, and very sick of being in the hospital. Of course, we know must also decide how to proceed, if he truly cannot handle the chemo. The medical team is running more tests and discussing options. While that's happening, we wait. We sit by his side and try to keep his spirits up. We test his memory. We support each other. We break down into tears, or fall apart laughing over the most ridiculous things.

I'm used to riding this rollercoaster with my family. But this time around, I told my coworkers, and basically anyone who will listen, that I need everyone to jump on with us. We know how serious this diagnosis is, and that it can be extremely difficult to treat. We have no idea what the next days, weeks, months will bring, but I am certain that they will bring a whole lot of emotion with them, and I am not going to lie and say that we can do this alone. We need prayers, hugs, etc.

Oh, and I'm getting married in just a little under 4 months. So on top of the journey with my dad, I am preparing for a life long commitment to my best friend, and planning for a celebration of that marriage. I have had a few people make suggestions for how I should handle my wedding (or ask what I am planning to do). I really didn't feel like I could write this blog without addressing the elephant in the room. So I will say this: My dad and I have talked. Tom and I have talked. We've got it covered. Trust me, the emotions I feel on this subject are quite intense, but I assure you all, everyone over here on my end is on the same page. I think that's really all anyone needs to know.

I will close this by saying thank you. Thank you for the prayers- if anyone is ever doubting the power of prayer you just need to come hang out with us for a while. Your prayers are working, and giving us both the grace and comfort that we need to power through. Thank you for the sweet texts, cards, messages, etc. Thank you for stepping up when we need someone to fill in for us. Thank you for the meals, treats and snacks. Thank you for being such wonderful, compassionate, beautiful souls. Thank you for everyone who sees me in Church and takes the time to ask how I am doing. Thank you for my coworkers for the coffee dates, encouragement, hugs, and for working so hard to put an end to this disease. And finally, thank you for hopping in a cart and taking this ride with us.

So, so, so much love. Like, an insane amount of love.

Oh- one more thing- of all the emotions I have been feeling as of late, the greatest of them all is hope. I have gotten a lot of that hope through all of you and your stories and your empathy. So thank you for giving me hope.

Why I Make Strides.

If you're my friend on Facebook, you've probably noticed that I have been pushing for donations for my Making Strides Against Breast Cancer team. To sum it up, I've been asking people to donate $8 toward my goal of $3,000. I've decided (inspired by my coworker Abby) that if I reach that goal by December 31st, I will donate 8 inches of my hair to be made into a wig for cancer patients.

I'm extremely grateful for those who have donated- it means a lot to have their support, and a simple "thank you" really does not do justice for how much I appreciate them.

But the donations have been pretty slow. True, I only started asking about a week ago. But since I was only asking for $8, I guess I had high hopes that things would be moving along faster. And trust me, I get it.. Most of my friends and family have causes that they are pretty dedicated to and devote their time and dollars to those causes. We all have our passions and I am totally, 100% an advocate for that.

A small part of me, though, wondered if some are holding back because they think that since I work for the American Cancer Society, I have to raise money for this event.

That's not the case- at all.

Sure, we're encouraged to support the events out of our office, to join teams and to spread the word about them, but we are in no way required to raise money, to donate ourselves, etc.

I'm participating in Making Strides Against Breast Cancer for more reasons than because I work for the American Cancer Society.

A big reason is because many women within my church community have been affected by breast cancer. I can name at least six women that I know in that group who have been diagnosed (and beat) breast cancer. That's just not right. These women are mothers, many of them are teachers, and all of them are women whom I admire. I started a team called the St. Hugo Striders for them- because dang it, none of us at St. Hugo want to hear the words "she has breast cancer" ever again. By standing up in the fight I am telling breast cancer to stay away from our Church and our school, our precious community that has been an amazing influence on my life, and in the life of my family. I'm walking in honor of them and their fight. When I set up this team, all I wanted was for others in the St. Hugo community to join me to walk and to show our support for these women. So far, I'm still walking solo. Again, I get it. It's hard to commit to a date, especially with young ones who have sports and other commitments. But even if I have to walk solo, I'm determined to stand up for these women.

The second reason I am walking is for my cousin Lynn. Although my team name is to honor the St. Hugo women I mentioned, Lynn is in my heart and on my mind daily. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012- and just 33 years old.  Lynn was a preschool teacher and a jazz singer at the time she was diagnosed- a perfectly healthy, active, and quirky 33 year old. In a very short amount of time, She underwent a mastectomy, aggressive chemo and radiation, was told she would never be able to have children due to the hormone therapy she was on. By June 2013, she was considered “cancer free”- until January 2015. Lynn had not been feeling very well and went to the doctor to get things checked out, and discovered that the cancer was back- in the liver. Lynn is one of the strongest, most determined people I've ever met. She's been through hell and back with this cancer and all it's entities. I can't imagine the hurdles she has had to jump over, but she remains strong. I'm walking for her- I'm raising money so that we can fund research to help people like her. I'm walking to raise money for programs like Road to Recovery for Lynn. Because she's one of my favorite people, and she deserves the BEST treatment, services, and support that she could ever imagine. And that's where the American Cancer Society comes in. That's where I come in. How can I sit here and KNOW that I can make a difference for people like Lynn and just NOT do it? How can I just write a Facebook posts that shares WHAT Making Strides Against Breast Cancer does for breast cancer research and programs and just not participate?

I can't. I have to walk. For Lynn, for the St. Hugo women, for women and men everywhere- for our future children, so that they can live in a world that's free of breast cancer. I really do believe that day is coming, my friends, but it won't come without the research.

Is the research actually being done? YES.

Does the money actually go somewhere? YES. 

So if you're ready to join me, here are a few ways you can help:

• Share my team page and ask your friends/family to donate
• Join my team and walk with me on October 24th as your way of FIGHTING BACK.
• Join my team, walk with me, and ask your friends/family to donate to our team.
• Donate to my team (Remember, all I am asking for is $8)
• Host a fundraiser at your office...whether it's putting out a coin can, selling Wall of Hope Cards, hosting a bake sale, any fundraiser will help

Here is a link to my team page for you to do any or all of the above: 

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/sthugostriders

Not only will you help me achieve my goal, you'll also help the American Cancer Society make important advances in the fight against breast cancer. You will also be helping a cancer patient receive an authentic wig so that they can feel “normal”. As a caregiver, I know how vital this is to treatment.

Thank you.