When I last wrote, I spoke of the hardships my family was facing with my dad's cancer. One month later, we're still there. The roller coaster ride has not stopped, not even for a moment for us to catch our breath. But we are still holding on.
Tonight I feel it on my heart to share (duh, Megan, why else would you post a blog) something that has been weighing on my heart.
I'm getting married in 75 days. And I'm beyond excited. We are starting to get some of the RSVP's back, I've had my bridal shower, and there is really not much left to do besides the last minute logistics stuff and figure out the seating chart. Oh, and I have to pick up my dress. But other than that, we are pretty much on track with our to do list. But aside from the details of the ceremony and reception, I am so incredibly excited to marry Tom and to start this next chapter of our life. I am finding that I am starting to lay in bed just dreaming of our special day, our honeymoon, and the life we are about to have together.
But every single time I start to get excited, that excitement comes with a side of guilt. I feel almost selfish for being so excited about our wedding day, when my dad is fighting this battle and my mom is dedicating her life to taking care of my dad. I also get a side of anxiety. I mean, that's pretty natural when it comes to thinking about your wedding, but I have worries about my dad. I, along with almost everyone else in my life, have very, very strong gut feelings that he WILL make it to my wedding. And every time I see him, he reminds me that he will make it there. And I am trying to trust in God on this one. But that doesn't mean I don't worry about his health and whether or not he will be able to participate. And with these worries comes the lonely feeling, because there aren't too many people around who understand these feelings. I even checked the wedding forums. There are people in similar situations, but no one knows what to say except "I'm so sorry, I hope **insert relative here** feels better". And I don't blame people. There is no answer for this. I just wish that there was. I wish no one had to worry if their loved ones would or wouldn't make it to their wedding.
Combine all of this, along with the general wedding anxieties, plus work, and you get me. A sort of tangled web of excitement, fear, anger, guilt, and extreme sensitivity.
So what gets me through?
I take a breath. I remind myself that the little stuff (or as I like to call it, the Pinterest shit) for the wedding does not matter. I go to the gym. I carve out time to spend with Tom or my family. I listen to a LOT of music. I do what I can to help my mom with my dad. I pray. I go to church. I cry.
And now, for the first time ever, I share.
I bet I can guess what some might be thinking- none of us ever know what tomorrow brings, so why spend all our time worrying? Well, when there is a dark cloud of worry hanging over your head that literally is unpredictable and simply will not disappear, you can't help but to just dance in it's raindrops and hope the sun comes back out, pushing the cloud back out of the picture.
And that's what I'm trying to do-. Embrace the craziness of this roller coaster, hanging on tight to hope and to the people around me, understanding that it's beyond my control and that I can only do what I can do and spread my love as loudly as I can.
As always, thank you all for all the love.
PS: I know I've shared this song before, but it's become my mantra.