Thankful A-Z

My friend Shari wrote a beautiful blog this morning using each letter of the alphabet to tell what she is thankful for. Her words flowed and I loved what she wrote so much that I want it printed out on poster size to hang in my office.

You can read Shari's beautiful post here: http://workofheart09.wordpress.com/2014/11/26/26-reasons-to-be-thankful/

Naturally, her post inspired me to write my own ABC's of Thanksgiving. So here goes. 

The American Cancer Society for all that they stand for, all that they do and all that they encompass. Each day I feel blessed to work for the greatest nonprofit in the country and to be a part of something so big. Books, for allowing me a few minutes to escape into other worlds. Cameras for capturing life's precious moments. Dad. Each and every single one of the people who prayed for my family during our most challenging time. Fort Walton Beach- the smells, the tastes, the sounds.  Grace, God's greatest gift to us. Hips Resale Boutique, my favorite store, and it's employees who know me by name. Ideas that strike you out of nowhere and give you so much energy you just might burst. Jokes that make us laugh until our sides hurt. Kickboxing, my latest and greatest obsession, for teaching me strength, patience, and balance. Love, it always finds it's way back to us, even in the most unusual circumstances. Music and finding the perfect song for each situation. New friends and old friends. Places that feel like home. Quilts to snuggle under when it's cold outside. Ryan. Sunshine,  making each day just a little brighter. Teachers who are molding and challenging our youth. Useful advice from friends. Vacations with friends and family. Working out, the fact that I have the ability to do so. Xmen, Ninja Turtles, and all things 90's. You. Zero complaints.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. Cheers.

weight loss Wednesday

I haven't dropped anymore lbs in the last week or so, but I know I am still losing SOMETHING because my clothes, some of which were just purchased two or three weeks ago, are falling off. 

Either way, I am still getting closer and closer to that 100 lbs. And as I get closer, I am thinking about all of the things that I couldn't/wouldn't do 100 lbs ago.

Things like run the bases at softball...or walk up a few flights of stairs without getting winded. Now, I can jog a full mile without stopping and climb 45 flights in the stairmaster. 

Things like wear a bikini or go shopping at "normal" stores. Do you know that everytime I go shopping, I still immediately beeline for the plus size section? Even though I don't need to only shop plus size anymore. I'm down to a size 14. That's a hard thing to change. I've been "plus size" since I was 17. As far as the bikini goes, I still have a long ways before I could pull THAT off, but it's getting closer.

But the most important things are things most might not even think of. Like...100 lbs ago I couldn't fit comfortably in a seat at a concert or sporting event. I had to literally squeeze myself in, and then spend the entire time in pain. Just last week I went to my first event since losing this much weight: a basketball game. I reluctantly sat down and was shocked that I actually had wiggle room! I could easily get up and down without getting stuck! It was an amazing feeling, and one that I can't ever remember having before.  

There's also one thing I've always wanted to do: go rock climbing. I never have because I was too afraid. First of all, I'm scared of heights, so there's that. But I've also been scared that I would be too big or that the rope wouldn't be able to support my weight. Now that I am almost 100 lbs lighter, I feel like I should try it. I want to try it. I just have to get over that fear of heights ;-)

Other than that, there's not much I COULDN'T do before. It was just that everything was much more difficult. Moving through my days before was painful and exhausting. I remember the days when just walking down the hall to the bathroom felt like a huge chore. Now, I purposely take the long way, getting in some extra steps wherever I can.

Mostly, what has changed is that I have learned to love myself. I am not saying it's impossible to love yourself when you are overweight because it's not. But I would be lying if I told you I was happy with who I was before the weight loss. I wasnt... And that was the biggest problem. Because I didn't care about myself, I didn't take care of myself, and it was all one vicious cycle. Now, my healtb is my priority. I love that I take care of myself. I love how my skin glows, I love how strong my muscles have become and how I can feel my hip bones. I love that I love me.

Thankful

One of our Thanksgiving traditions is for everyone to write what they are thankful for on a paper leaf. As we eat, the younger cousins (who are now not so young), read them aloud. The rest of the guests try and figure out who wrote what. It's usually pretty obvious, like the year I wrote Nicki Minaj or the year one of the little kids wrote "cheese" and we all burst out laughing.

This year, my leaf will read something like:

My dad is alive.

Back in September, when we went through that terrible trauma of not knowing what was going on with him, we also didn't know what it meant. We were confident that whatever was happening was not going to kill him, but we also were so unsure about it all. Naturally, that leads to fear, to "what if?". So the fact that he is alive, home, walking and talking is the greatest gift we could have been blessed with.

And then there's everything that goes along with that: thankful for the doctors who cared for him, for the nurses who held our hands through the process and who wiped our tears, to the medicine that helped pull him out of the steroid psychosis, to the friendly aides who took such amazing care of him. To each person who visited even though it was terribly painful to see him in that condition, to the people who delivered meals or sent gift cards so that we could eat, to anyone who babysat Ryan or did laundry or ran errands,  for our employers who were so compassionate and understanding, for the phone calls/cards/emails, for the prayers, and for God, who held us tightly during that time and embraced us with His Grace.

Most of all, I am thankful to be blessed with this crazy group of people I call my family. We would not have made it through that hell without one another. We came out of it stronger than ever before, a united force. No one should dare mess with us, not even cancer.

I learned so much from September 5th- now. Mostly, that family, laughter, sharing and friends are among the most important, cherished things in life. Everything in between is just "stuff". We put "stuff" first a lot, when it should be the other way around. Being with the ones you love, making memories, and giving back to others is a beautiful way to live your life.

Dad, thank you for pulling through. You are the strongest man I know, and I am so proud of you.
Mom, thank you for being the world's greastest caregiver. I know it's exhausting, but you are doing a phenomenal job.  Your patience and compassion shine.

Lord, thank you for blessing me with this family, these friends, and this life.

Weight Loss Wednesday: The Secret

Whenever someone asks me my "weight loss secret", I feel silly in my answer...like my answer is not enough. Because my answer is "eating right and exercising". It sounds so, so simple.

So I've come up with a better way of wording that statement. Ready?

Finding motivation and resisting temptation. 

Yep. That's the secret, folks. It took me a year and a half to figure out how to put it into words, but that's it. 

Let me give you an example.

Monday was a busy day at work. 9am meeting, 10 am meeting, office thanksgiving party, 1:30 pm meeting, and 2:30 pm meeting. I barely had time to respond to emails. When I got home around 5, I told myself that I would just lay down for 10 minutes and then get up and go to the gym. Well, 10 minutes turned into an hour and a 1/2. I wasn't napping... I fell into a YouTube hole and suddenly it was 6:40 and I hadn't even changed into my workout clothes. I then thought "well it's already almost 7. Maybe I should just make dinner and relax". I wrestled with this thought for about 10 minutes before I came to my senses and changed. I got to the gym and did 40 flights on the StairMaster and 2 miles of jogging on the treadmill. I left feeling satisfied...and energized. 

Then, I had to stop at the store to pick up just a few more things for dinner. The store was overflowing with temptation. First I wanted cider. Then cookies. Then cheese and sour cream for my tacos even though I had already decided I was going to leave them out of the recipe. Then beer. Then back to cookies. But, I resisted and left the store with only what I needed. I easily could have bought the things I WANTED, and I think it's okay to give yourself a treat sometimes, but I had already had a treat at our thanksgiving party and I was not about to ruin the hard work I had just put in at the gym.

Things like that happen every day. The key, as I said, is to always find the motivation. Remember how much BETTER you feel after a workout and don't let lame excuses stand in your way. Those excuses are sneaky little demons, trying to stop you from reaching your goal. No way Jose. 

And try, as hard as you can, to steer clear from temptations. I'll admit I've given in on several occasions. And that's okay. But it can't become a cycle, or else you won't get anywhere. You don't really need the extra "stuff". A cookie is delicious but do you need it? Or can an apple and peanut butter satisfy you instead? Think about it. Take 2 seconds to stop and think before you grab what looks good. 

Since I've had this epiphany I wrote out the words "find motivation and resist temptation" on several notecards. I have one hanging at work, one in my car and one in my room. That way, whenever I'm feeling "too tired" to go to the gym or like I really want to order a pizza and drink beer, I'll remember that this magic combination has helped me lose to lose 88 lbs....and counting.

Dreams

When I was a senior in college, I was convinced that one day I would be living in Nashville, writing songs.  I had learned how to use words to express my emotions and I fell in love with it.My friends   would read the little poems/lyrics I had come up with and assured me they were good. At the same time, I became totally fascinated with Nashville. I had visited it a few times, and I thought that I belonged there. Music on every corner, friendly people, and dreams coming true.  I wanted to be part of it.  I became almost obsessed, and I spent all of my free time looking up jobs and apartments in Nashville.

Something happened, though. An opportunity popped up that wasn't Nashville. Instead, it was to do a year of volunteer service in Detroit, my hometown. I committed, and that year was the best year of my life. I was working at a high school with at risk kids, living with three total strangers who became three of my best friends. I loved it, but writing was still my passion. In my free periods at work, I was writing. I went through about 6 journals that year. I taught a creative writing class and blogged almost daily. I continued to keep the Nashville dream alive. As the year of service came to a close with no job lined up, I wondered if it was time to chase the dream. If maybe I should just go, and worry about the details later.

The problem with that, of course, was money. With very little savings and having just done a year of volunteering, I was struggling. There was no way I'd survive in Nashville with no job.

So, back to mom and dads house it was, where I spent my time applying for jobs and writing.

I got a job with a hospice. I took it, thinking I would do it for a year and then move to Nashville. No problems. Well, that didn't quite work out either. I stayed at hospice for nearly three years before accepting a new job with the American cancer Society.

For whatever reason, I never made it to Nashville. It wasn't in the cards. I didn't have the money nor the courage to drop everything and set up shop in Music City. As the years went by, I began to accept that maybe moving to Nashville wasn't actually a dream, but an escape plan. See, I was convinced that if I could just get to Nashville, I'd be happy. That everything would be perfect and I wouldn't feel so lonely anymore. That I would finally feel alive.

Instead, i found happiness in my own backyard. Literally. I can't imagine being happier than I am right now, and my life is certainly not as exciting as the one I imagined I would be living. But what I've learned is that happiness isn't defined by where you're living, or even what you DO for a living, but by how you live. I may not be living the dream I once had, but I am living the dream. I work for one of the greatest nonprofits in the country, I am in a relationship with the sweetest, most empathetic guy I know, and I live within minutes of my parents, sister, brother in law and nephew. Plus I live with my best friend. Now if not we could get my brother and sister in law a little closer, the dream would be complete. 

Do I still dream of Nashville? Yes. But it's more nostalgic now, thinking back on all the nights I spent drinking coffee and writing lyrics or the thrill I got when I let a friend read something I wrote, so anxious to hear what they would think. 

It's almost a past chapter in my life, though. My writings were, most often, fueled my heartbreak. I wrote best when I was in a deep hole of sadness. It's not a coincidence that I haven't been able to write lyrics like that in over a year. I'll let you figure out the logic on that. 

My dream is no longer to move to Nashville and write songs. It's to take Tom to Nashville one day and show him why I fell in love with that city. And then come back home and keep living my dream.

eating disorders

Do you ever hear one of your favorite celebrities say something that disappoints you?

If your human, the answer should be yes. Because they are humans, too, and sometimes humans say things they shouldn't.

The celebrity in question in this case is Meghan Trainor. Otherwise known as, the voice behind that catchy top 40 hit "All About That Bass". Or as my mom once called it, "that song about holding butts at night".

It's a great song, despite my mom's description. It's all about self love and that we don't have to be a size 2 to be beautiful. It's also incredibly catchy and addicting. I first heard it in my zumba class this past summer. I loved the line "every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top" and that became my mantra every time I looked in the mirror.

So for such a body positive tune, one would assume the artist behind it, Meghan Trainor, would be preaching self love, right? Right.

But in a recent interview, Meghan made an oopsie. A big one. She said "I wasn't strong enough to have an eating disorder. I tried for like three hours".

Cue facepalm.WHAT?

Now. In Meghan' s defense, perhaps her words got skewed. We all know that can happen sometimes. I'm also taking into account that she's young, she has this very new fame, and maybe she just didn't think about how that would sound. I don't want to make this about attacking Meghan. It's about educating.

People do not wake up one day and say "I think I'll try to have an eating disorder". That's not how it works. What actually happens is that they are tormented by thoughts....fear, rejection, obsession with looks or with the idea of being perfect. These thoughts become terrorizing. In the mind of someone with an eating disorder, the ONLY way to cope is to stop eating, or to binge and purge. The disease tells them that's the only way. The disease keeps it going. The disease makes it near impossible to stop.

The strength part comes in when the person suffering is able to stop allowing the fear/hate/rejection to control their every move.

We have GOT to stop talking about eating disorders and mental illnesses as if they are something to achieve, or as if having one makes us more interesting or that it's "cool" to have one. Because let me tell you, people who have actually suffered from these would never, ever describe it as cool....nor would they wish the disease upon anyone. No one should have to live with an eating disorder. No one should feel so much hate/resentment towards themselves that they put their health in danger.

Also, eating disorders are not always obvious. I know that doesn't relate to what Meghan said, I just feel it's important to point out. People in all shapes and sizes are suffering eating disorders-men and women. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone points out a thin person and assumes they need to "eat a burger" . That's wrong . We don't know that person's story, we don't know if maybe, just maybe, they just happen to be naturally thin-but healthy. I know, what a concept, right?

There is also an eating disorder that no one ever talks about, and that's food addiction/binge eating. Some think it's an "excuse" for overweight people. I've even heard the comment "oh yeah it must be really awful to be addicted to food. Let me tell you, friend, it actually is really, terribly awful. It's scary, the way your eyes glaze over and you are suddenly eating everything in sight, without even realizing it,because the thoughts in your head are telling you that it doesn't matter, no one who  ever love you, and you'll never be good enough, so you may as well eat. It's easier  hide from the world when your  overweight, right? Those are the thoughts someone with a food addiction wrestles with.

My point is: educate yourself. Learn about eating disorders and mental illnesses. Have a little empathy. Consider how your words may hurt. Use your platform, however large it may be, for good.

5.

5 Things You Don't Know About Me

• I almost never buy a Christmas album, because I am not the kind of person who can listen to Christmas year round...and I don't see the point in buying something I will only listen to for a short window of time. 
• I have very vivid dreams. 
• I used to be a deep sleeper. Now I wake easily, and then struggle to fall back asleep. 
• I love watching documentaries-specifically ones on cults. I know, it's weird. But it's fascinating.On weekends it takes me a very long time to get out of bed. I love to just be able to lay there and not worry about where I have to be.

5 Things I'm Knowledgeable About

• Music. I spend all day discovering new artists on Spotify while I work. I like that I have a broad variety of music that I enjoy and that I can recommend to others..
• Charities. When looking at where to give my time/energy, I do a lot of research. I can almost always recommend a place for a friend or family member to volunteer or to donate depending on what their passion is.
• Social Media. Part of my job is to keep up to date on social media, but it's also a side hobby of mine, and I've become quite skilled at getting the information needed via different sites. 
• Cooking. This is recent, of course, but cooking has become a skill. I don't know everything and there is still plenty to learn, but I know enough to get by and to share some tips.
• Fundraising. Working at ACS has taught me so many new tips and tricks to fundraising!

5 Things I know Nothing About

• Video Games. I can tell you anything you need to know about Mario Kart, but beyond that I'm pretty lost. We had video game systems growing up, but my brother was really the one to play. 
• Having a baby. Sure, I've babysat for most of my life. But actually raising a child? Nope. Not the slightest clue. 
• Accounting. Blech. God Bless the folks who chose this as their life passion, because I certainly wouldn't be able to do it.
• Traveling. It's so romantic to be able to call ourselves "travelers", isn't it? I think it's the top of everyone's wish list, to be able to travel more. I really don't even know where to start. I'd love to be able to know a thing or two about traveling. 
• Cars. I've always thought it would be so great to be "car smart" and to be able to fix my own car problems as they arise. Instead I just panic and call my dad.

5 Things I Believe

• I believe in equality. Men, women. Gay, straight. Black, white. Fat, skinny. I could go on and on. I believe we were created equally, we should treat each other equally, we should be punished and rewarded equally. 
• I believe that happiness is possible once you are READY to be happy.
• I believe that people are placed in your life at certain times for a reason.
• I believe that music is life's greatest healer.
• I believe in God, and trust that He is leading me down the right path.

5 Songs I Recommend

• Jessie J, Masterpiece

• JohnnySwim, Closer

• Taylor Swift, Blank Space

• You + Me, No Ordinary Love

• Carrie Underwood, Something In The Water

Weight Loss Wednesday

With 86 lbs down since I started this journey, I am now at the lowest weight I have been since I started college, which was almost 10 years ago. 

But I am also at a weight that's still considered "obese" according to the CDC and several other medical sites. Which sort of feels like a giant stab in the heart. After all this hard work, I'm STILL not where I need to be. I still have about 45 lbs to lose to be considered "healthy", and even that is pushing it. 

It's also scary to know that if I'm "obese" now, what the heck was I before? Is there a term for that? 

But it also makes me grateful. Thank God I decided to do something about my weight. It was spriling out of control and who knows what would have happened if I had continued to gain weight. I never want to feel that way again....never want to have those headaches or to feel out of breath going up a flight of stairs or to have heart palpitations. I never want to feel that tired and run down. Ever. Again. 

So I won't. I will look back at how far I've come and I won't let the burden of knowing I still have work to do keep me from doing it. I will work hard, harder than I've ever worked. 

One thing I get a lot from family and friends who haven't seen me in a while is "I never realized how tall you were". I've always been tall. I'm 5'10. My friends ask me to reach for stuff because I have long arms. But the difference is that I wasn't carrying myself like a tall person. I was ashamed, hunched over, hiding. I didn't want to be seen and tall people are easy to spot. Now, I walk with pride. I have learned to love my body. I am not ashamed, and I don't need to hide. Even though the CDC still calls me obese, I don't see myself that way. I see someone who has accomplished so much and inspired many. I see someone who has become alive again.

Dear Sun

Dear Sun,
I want you to know how much I miss you when you're gone. November came and suddenly we are seeing less of you. My entire mood and energy level changes when you disappear. And I get it, you need a break. You've been out all summer and you need to recharge. But selfishly, I wish you'd stay a little longer.

I know I am not the only one to feel this way. You are loved-and needed-by so many.

On these dark days, just catching a glimpse of you gives me hope. When you hide all day, I have a much harder time finding motivation to live my life. Hiding under blankets sounds much more appealing. So I have to find other ways to get energy. It would be easier for me to hide. But I must go on. I must be curious, then brave, then bold....and then, I go.

So although you won't be around as much I will imagine that you are. I will look for "sunshine" in other forms: in my nephews smile, in Tom's hugs, in Sam's Christmas spirit, in the chit chat at work, in my family's strength. And I will appreciate the moments when you come out to shine, and whisper a heartfelt "thank you".

Don't be a stranger.

Love, Megan