happy 18th birthday, angel!

Dear Laurence;
I know we're supposed to be okay. We're supposed to be glad that you are not in pain. We are supposed to be in the acceptance phase. But today, on your 18th birthday, I'm not okay. You should be here. You should have never gotten cancer. It isn't fair. You should be running around with your soccer team, hanging out with your neighborhood friends and starting a new school year.

I think I got my angst out of the way. Sometimes I just want to stomp my feet and cry and yell that it's just not fair. Throw a temper tantrum. But deep down I know that isn't what you want, or how you would act. So I stop, take a deep breath, and feel you here with us. Your spirit lives on. People are still hearing your story and are still blown away by all that you did, the money you raised and the lives you touched. By your maturity and your grace. By your smile. I see that smile sometimes, you know. I see it in some of my patients, volunteers, coworkers, friends, and family. I know it's you, reminding me that you are still here. That you still care.

I think of you when I heard the words "spicy" "One" "Bono" "U2" "Make A Wish" and "Brain Cancer". I think of you the instant I hear any U2 song, when someone speaks of a story of someone who showed bravery during their cancer fight.

I am writing that book for you. I will admit I took a break. I felt frustrated, disappointed in myself and unworthy of writing about you- like I would never be able to do it justice or that I would not tell your story correctly. But then one of my facebook friends, out of the blue, posted this status:

 I woke up with this on my heart so strong!!! It's for you! so here it goes..... Those of you who KNOW you are supposed to be writing a book...WHAT IS THE HOLD UP?? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? Everything does not have to be perfectly in line before you begin or finish writing. Just complete it and everything else will fall into place! Finish it already!!!!! love yall much :-) that is all!!!!

I am convinced I was meant to read that status. So I whipped out my paper, pen, laptop, and got back to work. I will finish it, I promise.

Hey, how do angels celebrate birthdays? Knowing you, I bet you celebrated by sprinkling a little extra love and hope on the world today. I felt it. I was near tears today because of stress, and a co worker called me into her office to have a chat. An hour later I walked out feeling uplifted, relieved, and stress free...because together we came up with this great plan on how to support our other co workers. I think you may have played a hand in that.

As I type this I am looking at a picture of us from Ft Walton Beach. You are probably 3, wearing a tie dye shirt with a shark on it and filling up a toy triuck with sand. I'm about 10, kneeling down to help you dig up the sand. The picture was caught mid conversation, and there you are with the smilie creeping acorss your face. I just loved every minute I had with you buddy. While I wish we had more, I cherish the ones we did have. If Heaven is what I think it is, then you have access to sand. Do me a favor and build a sandcastle, like we used to do.

I'm sorry I rambled and I'm sorry for my temper tantrum. I miss you, and I have you in my heart today and every day. Love you, happy birthday angel.

happy birthday, angel
I'm going to blow out 18 candles 
and make a wish
wish that you could be here
wish that you never went through
what no one should go through
you were the greatest gift
this world ever received
and the greatest angel
heaven will ever need
And I try to walk on
I try to be strong
But it still hurts
that you're gone

you were the greatest gift
this world ever received
and the greatest angel
heaven will ever need

PS:  our beautiful cousin Lynn is fighting breast cancer. I know you're on her side, giving her strength. keep the strength coming. I know she can beat this.