Lately I've been quite frustrated on the writing front because I have no inspiration. Zip. Very, very rarely anymore do I go through a day and have this "I HAVE to write about that moment". As someone who uses writing primarily as an outlet, it's a very draining problem to have. I'm not making much progress on the Laurence book either, mostly because every time I sit down to work on it I get frustrated and give up.
As you can probably tell, I'm cranky lately. Cranky and stressed. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm sitting in a Panera- my headphones are in and my music is pretty loud. Yet I can hear the small child a few tables away screaming. And I kind of want to throw a bagel at him.
But,enough of the crankiness. Honestly, despite my cranky mood and lack of inspiration, I do have three stories to share that shed some light on my week.
The first was that I realized I had something in common with one of our patients. That doesn't happen often, seeing as they are in their 90's-100's. But, I was visiting a patient with one of my volunteers, and noted what beautiful eyes the patient had. They were huge, blue, bright. A few days later, at one of our meetings, I mentioned to a nurse how huge the patient's eyes were. Her response? "I hope you didn't say anything to her. She hates that. She always tells me 'Don't say anything about my eyes'"
That was (and sometimes still is) me. My eyes are very often the first thing a person notices about me, and I hear it often...especially when I was a kid. I didn't want to go to preschool because I was afraid someone was going to say something about my eyes. I hated the attention...and I still get a little shy when someone mentions it now. That little insecurity that I share with that patient made me kind of come back down to earth and realize I do have something in common with the patients, and that I can, in a very small way, understand them.
The second story has to do with a volunteer/co worker interaction. I had just been telling someone that I was worried I was so busy and stressed about my job that I would stop enjoying it and just be going through the motions. Well, without giving away too many details, I will say that one of my co workers made me remember why I love this job. She was very appreciate of one of my volunteers and went out of her way to show the appreciation. the volunteer was touched, and it added fuel to her energy, so that she can keep going and be the best hospice volunteer she can be :) I'm so happy to know that we can still be open in our gratitude towards others.
The final was yet another work related story. We were at a facility wrapping up an event when one of our aides walked in. She was apologizing for missing the event, and my coworker Sarah and I were telling her not to worry about it. Sarah wrapped up the conversation by saying "Just have a good day!" and the aide's response was "You know, I generally do have good days". We all were just kind of awed by that. It was a relief to see someone with such a positive attitude, a genuine positive attitude. Her response keeps ringing through my head, and it's kind of become my new motivation.
I suppose a word that describes how I'm feeling is stuck. I've got this job and making my own money for the first time, yet I can't move out of my parents house yet because I haven't saved enough. I have great ideas for Laurence's book, but I can't find the motivation or inspiration to actually sit down and write it. I want to go to grad school, or at least start taking classes, but I don't know what I want to be.
I guess I just do what I can. I work towards my goals, slowly but surely I will get there. I just don't want to do it alone anymore.
-Move out by April/May
-Detroit Free Press 1/2 Marathon October 2012
-Be taking night classes by fall 2012
-Do a little writing, even just an hour every Saturday, for the book.
-Nashville by 2016.