Top 2018 Albums

This was an unusual year in music for me. The majority of my usual favorites did not release albums this year, so I found myself branching out a little bit. So, I actually included a couple of EP's on here that were so good, I couldn't stop listening. Those EP's made it pretty high up on my list! Let's get to the list, shall we?

10. Ariana Grande; Sweetner
No, this pop album doesn't include her latest hit "Thank U, Next", but it does include some great pop tunes. I've been saying for a couple of years now that Ariana Grande is the strongest female pop star we have, and I guess the rest of the world has caught on. She releases smash after smash, and even with all she's been through, she seems almost indestructible.

Top Tracks:
Get Well Soon "Want you to get better/my life is so controlled by all the what if's/is there anybody else who's mind does this/is there such a ladder to get up off this?"
No Tears Left To Cry "They point out all the colors in you, I see em too, and boy I like em"
Breathin Time goes by and I can't control my mind/Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time/Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

9. Brandi Carlile; By The Way, I Forgive You
This woman's voice is no joke. She is a story teller, which is a running theme amongst my favorite albums this year. A little folky, a lot of power. Give this one a good solid listen when you have the time to truly pay attention to the lyrics.

Top Tracks:
Every Time I Hear That Song:  They told me the best revenge would be a life well lived/and the strongest one that holds would be the hardest one to earn
Harder To Forgive:  I have suffered for the peace inside my mind/And some things are better left unsaid/While some things work out different when they're in your head
Party of One:  I am tired/I don't wanna go home anymore/I don't wanna throw stones anymore/I don't wanna take part in the war

8. Florence and The Machine,  High As Hope

Another powerhouse of a woman who can tell beautiful stories through song. Her lyrics and her vocals are haunting and beautiful. 

Top Tracks:
Sky Full of Song Be careful my darling/Be careful of what it takes/What I've seen so far/The good ones always seems to break
Big God: Sometimes I think it's gettin' better/And then it gets much worse/Is it just part of the process?Well, Jesus Christ, it hurts
Hunger: Tell me what you need, oh, you look so free/The way you use your body, baby, come on and work it for me/Don't let it get you down, you're the best thing I've seen/We never found the answer but we knew one thing/We all have a hunger

7.  Imagine Dragons, Origins
Imagine Dragons came in hot at the end of the year with a new album, which I was not expecting since they just released one last year.  This band always has great tunes, and ones that lift me up and motivate me during tough workouts. Their grit is really something special.

Top Tracks:
Bullet In A Gun: How many voices go unheard?/How many lessons never learned?/How many artists fear the light,/Fear the pain, go insane?/Lose the mind, lose yourself
Bad Liar: So look me in the eyes, tell me what you see/Perfect paradise, tearin' at the seams/I wish I could escape, I don't wanna fake it
Natural: I can taste it, the end is upon us, I swear/Gonna make it/I'm gonna make it

6. NeedtoBreathe, Forever On Your Side (EP)
NeedtoBreathe has been one of my favorite bands for years. Like Imagine Dragons, they have a grit and power behind them. This EP only has 4 songs, but they are powerful songs. Can't wait for a full length album in the next few years!

Top Tracks:
Bullets: I ain't made to carry/All this weight on my own/Oh, it's way too heavy/And I can't be that strong
Forever On Your Side (With Johnnyswim): Take my hand when you can't see the light/'Cause I'm forever on your side/I will carry you every time/'Cause I'm forever on your side

5. Kacey Musgraves, Golden Hour
I kept hearing about this album and when I finally sat down and listened to it, I understood the hype. Kacey is a breath of fresh air and just what is needed in country music. Solid tunes with incredible lyrics! This album is like a warm hug. It's so tender and genuine.

Top Tracks:
Happy & Sad: And I'm the kind of person who starts getting kinda nervous/When I'm having the time of my life
Rainbow:Well, the sky is finally opened, the rain and wind stopped blowin'/But you're stuck out in the same old storm again/You hold tight to your umbrella, but darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya/That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Space Cowboy:When a horse wants to run, there ain't no sense in closing the gate/You can have your space, cowboy

4. David Cook, Chromance (EP)
This EP came out so long ago I almost forgot it was released in 2018. If you want to talk about underrated artists, David Cook is at the top of that list. He consistently delivers with incredible vocals and lyrics. IF you haven't given him a chance yet. here's your chance to give a solid EP a listen.

Top Tracks:
Gimme Heartbreak:I'm the puppet that's hanging from your thread/You're the name of my madness/I don't want to get you out of my head
Warfare: Baby this is warfare/This is a battle/If I can't have you/Nothing else matters/Fightin' for your love

3. Lauren Daigle, Look Up Child
I've known about Lauren Daigle for a couple of years now and have appreciated her refreshing, raspy take on Christian music. This album is really something special, it's incredibly strong and beautiful in both her vocals and the lyrics. It's brought me great comfort over these 12 months, and it's difficult to even pick my top tracks.

Inevitable: Set Your promise to play on repeat in my head/When You meet my anxiety put it to death

Rescue: I will never stop marching/To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight/It's true, I will rescue you

You Say: You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing/You say I am strong when I think I am weak/You say I am held when I am falling short/When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours

2.  Lennon Stella; Love, Me
This EP is actually the reason I decided to include EP's on this list. I knocked off some of my favorte full length albums to make room. Listen here. Lennon Stella is going to be a force in the pop music industry, and I'm going to be so proud to say that I was HERE for it. Yes, she might be 12 years younger than me, but her songs are pure pop perfection and I cannot help but bop along when I am listening. If you are a sucker for pup music and can appreciate a little rasp, you will love this EP! 

Top Tracks (They are all golden, but here are the two I listen to the most)
La Di Da :Your empty words made for hurting me/So just before you take it too far/I'll hold my ears/Say la da da di da
Bad: I probably should've known better/I probably should've known better/Every word you said you was sweet but you was lying/Everything you covered up, making up just to keep to me from crying

1. A Star is Born Soundtrack
It's pretty unusual for me to list a soundtrack as my top album (I checked all my lists since 2009, and the only other soundtrack to make my list was the Pitch Perfect soundtrack in 2012, coming in at number 8). But this soundtrack is just so good. I probably don't need to tell you how incredible Lady Gaga is, I think by now people get that she has an amazing voice. But match her vocals with Bradley Cooper's rasp, and some incredible songwriting, and you have the perfect soundtrack! I even love the cheesy pop songs that are supposed to be horrible. (Heal me is SO good!). 

Top Tracks:
I'll Never Love Again: And I want to pretend that it's not true/Oh baby, that you're gone/'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning/And I'm not movin' on
Always Remember Us This Way: The part of me that's you will never die
Shallow: I'm off the deep end/watch as I dive in/I'll never meet the ground/crash through the surface where they can't hurt us/we're far from the shallow now

I've made a little playlist with my top tracks from each of these albums to give you a Sampler :)

2018 albums

A playlist featuring Ariana Grande, Brandi Carlile, Florence + The Machine, and others

I also made an Essential 15 playlist with some amazing jams from 2018:

the essential 15

A playlist featuring Bruno Mars, Sugarland, Shoshana Bean, and others

Grief Aids

It should be no surprise that 2018 was a really rough year. The loss of my dad, and the grief that came with it, hit me hard. While that may seem "normal", it doesn't mean it was easy. I was also not expecting for my anxiety to go for a wild ride. The grief triggered anxiety, which triggered sadness. I speak about it now because I am tired of the stigma that surrounds mental health. And, to be quite frank, I'm tired of saying "I'm fine" or "I'm doing okay" in the rare occasion people ask how I'm doing. Mostly, I've found people don't want to talk about it.

I put immense pressure on myself to be the best daughter and wife that I could possibly be, and when I felt I had not lived up to the expectations I put on myself, I tore myself down. I got angry with myself when I saw an increase on the scale, knowing full well that I had gained a ton of muscle, but instead of believing that truth, I told myself lies about my body and my health. Also, grief can be very lonely, and I felt that. I felt it hard.

There's also the overwhelming obvious fact that my dad, my rock, is not here. Talking to him is not the same. He's not here. I can't pick up the phone and call him to share good news and to hear him say that he is proud of me. I can't call him when I need his advice. I can't get one of his hugs or look into his blue eyes. There were so many times this year when HE was the person I needed, and he wasn't here. And while it's true that he's looking out for me, and that he lives in my heart, and all those other cliche things people tell you about someone dying, it doesn't change the fact that he's. not. here.

That is not to say, though, that there were not moments where light shined through. There were, indeed, moments of healing. Which is really what I came here to talk about. I am not cured, and I may not even be "fine". But I am on my way to healing, at least a little bit, and I can recognize the people, places, and things that helped me to get to this point. I'm going to refer to them as my Grief Aids. Because, like a band aid, they did not cure me, but for a moment or two, they made me feel just a little bit better. I was trying to determine the best way to share these Grief Aids with you. I thought about making a long blog post listing all of them, but since I so rarely get comments on my blog, I am not sure that is the best way to do it anymore. So I have decided that throughout the month of December, I will post about these Grief Aids on Instagram. You will see people who have stood by me, music that has touched my heart, podcasts that served as a distraction, and more.

I have learned that it is important to hold onto the things that make you feel a little less alone. To use the tools that calm your anxieties before it gets out of hand. To turn to things that make you smile when all you want to do is cry. To grasp the things that make you feel alive, even for just a moment, when you feel numb. Life is hard, but it's possible to get through it, with little bursts of healing here and there.

Maybe the things that comforted me will bring the same to you. Maybe we can continue to share these tools, and have these conversations, instead of ignoring the pain and suffering.

It will all be okay...right?

We had our first snow on Friday morning. I was a little anxious about driving in it. I know my brakes a probably do for a change. But I had a 7 am meeting with a hospital that I don't physically get to very often. I was worried about calling into the meeting again, so I woke up extra early to make it to the meeting in person. I had decided that I would for sure get my brakes checked out later.

I was driving along, in the pitch black, along side roads because most of the freeway is under construction when all of the sudden I hit the biggest pothole I have ever felt in my life. My entire car bounced up and down, and the impact made me gasp. I started to shake, worried about what my tire looked like, but I was in a rough neighborhood and it was pitch black outside. There was no way I was going to stop. So I kept going, praying that I would make it to the hospital. I did, and when I walked into my meeting, they were all shocked that I had come in person. "You should have just called in!"

And there it was. Validation that my gut feeling of calling in was correct. Instead, I had risked my safety. All because I was worried about what other people might think. How often do we do this? How often do we focus so much on what other people think of us that we don't pay enough attention to our own feelings? For me, this is a regular occurrence.

And now? It seems my car suffered more damage than just getting the tires blown out. It's in the shop now, they won't get to it for a few days, but they are checking my brakes as well as what else could be wrong. And I'm standing back, anxious for what the bill will look like. Because I had just started to figure out how much I could continue to save for our house between now and May, and this may take a serious detour in our plan. I really don't want to dip into our savings to fix my car. I'm looking into whether my insurance will cover some of the damage. In the meantime, I'm not going to lie, I'm worried and distracted.

The rational side of my brain is trying to tell myself that no matter what, it' going to be okay. Having a reliable, safe car is just as important, especially in the winter. That even if this takes away some of our savings, we can build back up. But the anxious, worst case scenario side of my brain is trying to tell me that we will never be able to buy that house. That things will keep happening to prevent it.

There I was, going along the road just fine, when something steered me another way. Just like how, a few months back, Tom lost his job and I had the same panic.

What should that tell me? That it worked out before, it will work out now.

I just have to convince myself that it's true.

It's not true that there's always a happy ending. We don't always get what we want, or what we dream of. But it's not always about that end result. It's about the experience along the way, the way you treat people who come in your path, and how hard you work to push past those walls that try to stop you. You may not get where you thought or where you wanted to be, but wherever you end up is just as good. You will learn and love along the way, and you will be able to teach others when they, too, hit the detour.

Now, if someone wants to give me my own advice and say these words back to me, maybe I'll believe it.

Megan, this is your reminder, that it will be okay.

Still A Work In Progress

I'm way overdue for my physical. Which, for me, is unusual. I am typically very on top of my yearly appointment, and I advocate for others to be as well. But I've been avoiding it. It wasn't until a coworker of mine said to me "Hey, you've been sick a lot, and I'm just wondering if you were planning to see your doctor". If she had not said that, I'm not sure I would have made that appointment. But I did. I'm in.

So why have I avoided it?

Not because I'm worried there is something wrong with me. Not because I don't value health and taking the proper steps to take care of yourself.

It's because I'm afraid of the scale.

You see, the number will be higher than the last time I went.

I'm not talking 20 lbs...or even 10 lbs. I'm talking probably 5. And the logical side of me knows that those 5 "lbs" are actually muscle. I have gained a ton of strength since joining The Barre Code. But the part of my brain that is way too hard on myself, and still struggles when it comes to body image and weight, is terrified to see that number. Because guess what? According to the BMI chart, that will put me at overweight. It's actually even dangerously close to obese.

And yep, I'm fully aware of the problems with the BMI chart (you can read about my past experience with that here: http://m5carolin.blogspot.com/2015/07/weight-loss-wednesday-numbers.html)

But there's still that side of me that really struggles with being labeled as overweight. The side of me that cringes seeing the scale higher than the goal weight I had set for myself. The part of me that beats myself up if I "slip up" on my diet.

I'm sharing this with you all to say----- the weight loss that I experienced did not take away all of my self doubt, my shame, my struggles. I still struggle. Life did not suddenly get easier when I lost the weight. Certain things got easier, for sure. And I did gain more confidence. But it didn't completely take away the hurt that I still sometimes experience. Social media can sometimes paint a perfect, pretty picture, and I am here to say that it's not always that way.

I will likely struggle with body issues for the remainder of my life. But that doesn't mean I don't try. I try be good to my body, I try to take care of it as best as I can, and I try to accept that I am who I am, that the number that shows up on the scale or the label that the BMI chart gives me does not mean I am any less worthy of a person. It's just not that easy. It is a day by day process, and things like going to the doctor and facing the fear of that scale and chart are huge steps in my progress.

This is a reminder to myself to be patient, to love yourself as much as you love others. to celebrate all the amazing things your body can do, and to let go of judgment and comparison. It's not easy, but you are a strong, capable woman who is so much more than any number.

Wish me luck on Monday, because it's going to take a lot of strength and grace to go to the doctor again, and to focus on my health rather than the numbers.