Endurance and Engage.

Encapsulate your 2015 in one word. Why that word?

What would you like your word to be for 2016? Why?

I thought long and hard about this, folks. I had an hour and a half commute to a meeting today, and I spent the entire duration of the drive, there and back, thinking about my 2015 and what word I would use to describe it. 

The word I finally settled on? Endurance.

There's a reason I chose this word over similar words like perseverance or resilience. For most of my life, I absolutely hated running, in any form. I remember having to do the mile run in 7th grade and I was near tears. My good pal at the time told me to pretend like there was a sale at the Gap at the finish line. That didn't work. I was the last student to finish. I remember telling my friend "I just don't have any endurance!". That mindset stuck with me for several years. Not just in regards to running, although I did continue to "fail" at that through my high school sports, but in several aspects of my life. 

2015 was the opposite of that. One definition of endurance is:

the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina:

I relate this definition to my weight loss journey. I started 2015 off on a good note. I was already down about 90 lbs. There was no turning back. But I made damn sure of that. I didn't quit, no matter how frustrated I was with a weight loss plateau. I put one foot in front of the other, and I kept going. 

I also took a new position in 2015. I had so many doubts about even applying for the position. I doubted if I was "good enough" for it. I was terrified of failing. But something kept bringing me back to it. I applied and got the position. I absolutely love what I do, but it is certainly not easy. There are challenges and surprises and changes each day. I have two choices: I could let it overwhelm me, or I could endure....press on, and keep going. And that is what I have chosen to do. 

Here are some ways I believe I have embraced "endurance" in 2015:

Visualization

I practice visualization in nearly everything I do. When I am running I imagine the end of the run, or I recall past accomplishments to help keep me going. When I am boxing I imagine being in a ring. When I am in a meeting I visualize myself speaking up with confidence, which then, in turn, gives me the confidence to speak up. Taking the time to visualize has been incredibly beneficial to my life.

Planning

I don't think I would have had the same endurance if I had not planned so accordingly. I plan my meals and my workouts, I plan my meeting schedule and my office time. I even plan my "down time". I realize this may not work for everyone, but for me, in order to feel at peace and accomplished, I need to plan.

Taking Care of Me

Obviously being healthier and more active have helped me to have more energy and tackle life's challenges in a healthier way, but I also take care of myself by sleeping more, taking breaks from working out when my body aches, doing more yoga/stretching, etc. 

Endurance does not come easy, but it is something we can all achieve. It takes focus, hard work, and a little self discovery. If I could go back and talk to the 7th grade version of me who did not believe she had enough endurance, I would tell her she's wrong. She had it, she just didn't know she had it. 

As far as 2016 goes, I've chosen the word ENGAGE. And no, I'm not talking about Tom putting a ring on it. I mean to truly engage in the world around me. I'm certainly not going to lose focus or my drive, but in the midst of putting so much focus on my weight loss, I sort of forgot how to just be present. But it's more than being present and just "being" and appreciating life. It's about engaging, having meaningful experiences and conversations. It's about putting my phone away sometimes and talking to the people in the room. It's about calling up old friends to check in. It's about noticing the beautiful things in life as I run by them. I also tend to focus too much on what's next for me instead of enjoying, and engaging, in the current life. I'm aiming to do that in 2016.

The Let Down

Most of you have been reading this blog for a long time. You know that I always choose honesty, and that I've been incredibly open with you about my weight loss journey, my dad, my struggles in relationships and friendships. We've celebrated, too, and I've shared a lot of memories. So that's why I'm trusting you now as I write yet another honest post.

As you know, two weeks ago I hit my goal weight- a number I've been aiming for since June 2013. I was so incredibly happy. I also wrote about it here, and how even though it's exciting, life will still go on. I'll still need to keep up my healthy lifestyle, and I've had to accept the fact that I will probably always have to watch what I eat. I'm fine with that. I get it. I have several friends who have lost a lot of weight and although they do allow themselves to indulge once in a while, they pretty much are consistent with their healthy choices. So I know it's what I have to do.

But in the last two weeks, I've also felt a bit...defeated? Down in the dumps? Sad? However you want to label it- I felt it.

After talking this through with some folks close to me, I know that this feeling is fairly common after hitting a goal. And boy, did it hit hard. I felt anxious, like I needed to quickly replace my weight loss goal with something else. I wondered if I should start training for a half marathon, or if I should learn photography or how to sew, or to finally write a book. All of these ideas were flushing around my brain, and all I kept thinking was that I needed to do something new. I needed to accomplish something else in order to ride on this happiness trail. I felt like if I didn't have a project or a goal, I was letting myself and everyone else down.

Deep down in my heart, I know the answer: Let it go and enjoy life. Don't focus too much on trying to be better or to accomplish something great. You've done that- now live.

But my foggy mind can't quite get that.

It should come naturally to enjoy what you have, but for me, and probably for countless others, it doesn't. So that is what I am working on.Slowly. That, and working on not obsessing over my weight while keeping up my healthy lifestyle (aka: finding balance).

I know that this is an incredibly common occurrence. Go ahead and google "depression after hitting a goal"- it doesn't matter what kind of goal, this is common. So I know I'm not alone. And, lucky for me, I have really great people in my life to help me.

I'm sharing this for a few reasons: To let you all know where I stand right now; and to spread awareness. This is the "downside" to reaching a goal that no one really warns you about.

Please do not think I am not proud of myself, because I am. There's just some baggage that comes with that pride, is all.

Don't worry, folks. I'm working hard on getting to know myself so that I can let go and enjoy life.

Also, this Demi Lovato song helps. Cuz, you know. Pop stars get me.

131 lbs later.

When I started this weight loss journey, I used to dream about the day I would reach my goal weight. I imagined a lot of tears and celebrations, hugs and high fives, and a deep, thought provoking blog post about it.

So far, only a few of those things have actually come to life. When I saw the number on the scale, I did cry. A lot. I burst into this ugly cry that I didn't know I could muster. Tom thought I saw a spider in the bathroom because I made this weird screechy noise. But when he saw the look on my face, he figured out what happened, spun me around in a circle and said "You did it!" 

We walked to breakfast and all I could think about was that I hit my goal weight. I was smiling like a fool. I texted my family and closest friends with shaking hands. I made a Facebook post. 

And then- just like that- life went back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be when you have a parent in the ICU. I was back at the gym yesterday and today. I'm still counting calories and steps and trying my best to stay away from foods that could be a trigger for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it wasn't a life changing moment. It was a moment of pride and celebration and joy, but just as quickly as it crept up, I started to plan for maintenance, to remind myself that I can't give up now that I've "made it", and to push myself even harder in my workouts.

But rest assured, just because life goes on, my entire body beams with pride when I think about what I have accomplished. A montage of the last two years and 4 months flashes through my mind- I think of the classes I took, the stair climb, the planning, the cooking, the counting, the moments in dressing rooms where I fit into clothes, the moments where I realized just how strong I am- and how strong I've always been. Those are the things that make my heart flutter when I think about my weight loss. Not necessarily how I look now, but more how I feel now, and how damn hard I've worked.

Although I didn't realize this at my highest weight, I've always been beautiful. It just took two years and 4 months of pulling it out of me to realize it. My now slender body is NOT what makes me beautiful. It's my confidence, my determination, and my passion. Megan's always been awesome. She was just in hiding for a while and used her body as a way to avoid the world. 

What happens next? I may have hit my goal weight but that certainly doesn't mean I can walk away from my healthy lifestyle. I can't just pass it off like it was a phase. It's my life now. Of course I am terrified that I will fail, or that I will give up. But the new me isn't a big fan of giving up, so I don't forsee that happening. I still choose health and happiness over anything.

I cant thank you all enough for your support over the last two years. Some of you have been here from the start, when I was at my heaviest and could barely do 2 minutes on the elliptical. Some of you came in the middle, when I was down about 50 lbs and you've seen me push past plateaus. And some of you are just getting introduced, you didn't even know me at my highest weight, yet you're still so supportive of me. THANK YOU. I am not sure I could have done this without you all and your sweet comments, encouragement, and love. You kept me going when I wanted to quit. Thanks for putting up with my before and after pictures, frustrating Facebook rants, and workout check ins. I love you all so much!

Now onto phase 2- living this healthy life to the fullest.

This is what grief feels like

My cousin Lynn passed away late Tuesday night. Even though I sensed she would pass soon, I still felt gutted. Heartbroken. Mad. Helpless. Sad. Guilty. 

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to eat a whole cheesecake. I wanted to go for a run. I wanted to go to church. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to be with people I loved but I also wanted to be alone. I felt so conflicted and confused and anxious. I finally realized that I was desperately searching for comfort. But nothing, no matter what I tried, seemed to satisfy that. Not even the pumpkin pie ice cream my mom and I ate.

Because when someone dies, there's no quick fix. Nothing will make the hurt magically go away. When I realized that I finally took a deep sigh and thought "okay, yes, this is what grief feels like". You forget, I think , until it happens again. 

I also remembered a quote I had learned from my days working for hospice, which is "grief is not a problem to be solved, it is simply a statement that you loved someone".

I can't solve my grief or the dozens of others who are heartbroken over the loss of our Lynn. My ONLY comfort is knowing that her spirit lives on through those in her life. I'm almost jealous, actually. I wish I had known her in the same way some of her dearest friends did. But I am lucky to watch from afar, to read the stories and to see the pictures and to verify what I've always known was true: my cousin is super cool. 

I loved Lynn, and I love our family. We've been through hell and back. We've lost folks tragically. But we have an incredibly love for one another, a bond that cannot be broken, and an instinct to jump in when someone needs help. I'm so proud to be part of this family. 

Lynn, I am going to miss your humor and your bravery. I'm sorry we could not spend more time together but I've always admired you, cared for you and rooted for you. Your music, wisdom and laughter will love on. I promise we will take care of your siblings and your parents. Rest sweetly. Give Laurence, Terry, Mike, Jim, Tom, and Grandma and Grandpa my love. You are beautiful.