— Steve Carell (@SteveCarell) January 8, 2018
I was listening to IT on audiobook while rinsing off my dishes and the drain in my kitchen sink started gurgling I got so scared that I dropped my phone in a pile of ketchup and I was like lol what if this was blood and I scared myself even more the end— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) January 18, 2018
WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS WE JUST WANTED EQUAL PAY https://t.co/Rz2k8cqH2k— Amanda Brooke Perrin (@brookeperrin) January 26, 2018
So I’m @ the bank waiting in line & the guy in front of me is spitting game to the teller, she’s laughing & he’s attractive so I can tell she’s digging it, he asks her if he can take her out and she says “with what? The whole $11.96 you got in your account?” SON, my chest 😭— B. (@Ticklemelili) January 26, 2018
sick from a weekend of cheek kissing. (face not butt)— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 29, 2018
It’s days like this I wanna slap Eve in the face for that damn apple #cramps #nottodaysatan I could understand if it would have been a cookie tree, but an apple tree? You couldn’t resist that shit?! Some knowledge is overrated. That’s all I’m sayin’.— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) February 12, 2018
Some teenager in a car tried to insult me as I was walking in the crosswalk, but I could barely hear him. If you’re gonna say some shit at least be able to PROJECT.— Meghan Tonjes (@meghantonjes) February 24, 2018
I’m on my fifth iPhone of my life and it still thinks I’m saying “ducking.”— Dean Padre Simmer (@mojodean) March 2, 2018
I’m late to work cuz I followed this dog for 3 blocks in the wrong direction pic.twitter.com/OmgiWyQZqm— Paris (@sweatingalready) April 30, 2018
I thank god everyday that glee ended before Beyonce made lemonade.— niggathée chalamet (@hanxine) June 16, 2018
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I work out but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie— Sydney (@bassett_sydney) July 7, 2018
u know when ur playing cards against humanity & u think ur card is unbelievably funny & the person reads it out loud & not a single person laughs ya that shit hurts— alexis (@alexismayse) July 14, 2018
i sure do say “no worries” a lot for someone in a constant state of worry— s⋆fi (@sofidilla) July 19, 2018
What’s this big dick energy I keep hearing so much about?— natasha lyonne (@nlyonne) July 31, 2018
Thus I am sock shopping ONCE AGAIN for the I-don’t-know-how-manyeth time this year alone. 🧦— David Archuleta (@DavidArchie) August 4, 2018
When your spouse notices you're about to respond to a provocation on social media. pic.twitter.com/slfDTGF2Yk— Joe Carter (@joecarter) August 10, 2018
When your friend is drunk crying in the bathroom & you hear your fav song come on so you need to eliminate the problem ASAP https://t.co/hw9pScWVtg— Jenna M (@jenna_machina) August 17, 2018
When God closes a door, he opens a pic.twitter.com/re6KOemYsi— Paul Danke (@pauldanke) September 1, 2018
I was on American Idol, not the Hunger Games. https://t.co/l1i62LxBrN— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) September 16, 2018
Movie theater: please silence your phone— Brock (@ImTheeBrock) October 8, 2018
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012:
*double-checks*
. @taylorswift13 has written beautiful lyrics that have shaped my entire teenage and young adult years, and yet I think my favorite lyric she’s ever written is: “if a man talks shit, then I owe him nothin” 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 #AMAs— Bianca Godsil (@BiancaGodsil) October 10, 2018
who the fuck forgot slides https://t.co/7HAi4JbLIL—  (@persianthoughtz) October 19, 2018
when my friend tells a story & I’ve been fully checked out for all of it https://t.co/F2VGCeMnSt— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) November 2, 2018
— David Archuleta (@DavidArchie) November 6, 2018
please enjoy this video i found on reddit of a dog trying to steal another smaller dog pic.twitter.com/tM82uk9XLE— hallmark channel's countdown to caitmas (@chaeronaea) November 7, 2018
There is a man taking a LEISURELY STROLL in this whole foods the day before Thanksgiving and I can't cope!! Look alive, betch!!— Naomi Ekperigin (@Blacktress) November 21, 2018
(Can you tell I'm stressed because they're out of elbow macaroni?)
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) November 26, 2018
My Lyft driver just asked me my sign and I said Cancer. She said “awwww a crab I had a relationship with a little crab years ago” then she told me about a relationship she had with an actual, literal crab on a beach— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) November 26, 2018
Tonight at the start of yoga a woman let the instructor know she was pregnant to which the instructor inexplicably replied “We’re all pregnant” and then another woman said “No we’re not” and then we began.— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) November 22, 2018
I can provide a list of references. https://t.co/FU5EGboVg6— Meghan Tonjes (@meghantonjes) December 3, 2018
When you're emotionally drained but the show must go on pic.twitter.com/tnhIBhDg1A— 🤴🏼💅🏼 (@Spilling_The_T) December 8, 2018
*gets on soapbox *— Hanukkah Cihla (@AnicaCihla) December 9, 2018
if your ugly sweater was designed to be an ugly sweater then it doesn’t actually count as an ugly sweater. the true spirit of ugly sweaters is that they were designed in earnest and the shifting sands of time and fashion eroded them to their present ugliness
wow what happened to pixar pic.twitter.com/mpuMg99hed— JARRY (@jarry) December 14, 2018
And last but not least, a very special tweet from my three favorite people:
@mcaro05 Look! We took this just for you! 😘 pic.twitter.com/padYtuYyLu— Melinda Doolittle (@mdoolittle) March 7, 2018
No comments:
Post a Comment