here i go with all my thoughts

life.

2012-02-10T12:03:00.001-08:00

Is it strange that I feel more grown up than I did a week ago? Is it sad that I already miss my dog terribly?

I'm out of my parents house, officially, and have been for a week now. It's weird. I love it, but it's weird. I really do feel more grown up. I am finding myself to be a little braver, a little bolder, each day that I've been gone. I have been giving out advice left and right to friends, not knowing where my sudden knowledge is coming from. I feel a sudden responsibility to take care of other people, and to take care of myself, more so than before. Can it really happen that fast? All it takes is a different address?

For those that want to know about our house: it's awesome. Seriously, I love it. 900 sq foot ranch, 1/2 finished basement, lovely kitchen, 2 car garage. Fabulous location, walking distance to necessities. Susie's great, too. I know we've only been roommates for a week but so far, it's been superb. We're finding we have a lot in common, and I appreciate our little chats. She's a wonderful person. I spent some time thinking about my habits as a roommate...so Susie, this list is for you :)

-I kick so much in my sleep that my sheets and mattress pad will wind up curled in a ball on the floor or at the edge of my bed, every single morning.
-When I get home from work I need a 15-20 minute "recharge".
-If I'm wearing my blue polar bear pants and a hoodie with the hood up, I've had a rough day.
-If I'm not doing anything else and my music is not on, something is wrong.
-Yes, there is a giant paper banana in my room, signed by an American Idol contestant. No, I'll never get rid of it.
-I keep common areas clean. Can't say the same for my room.
-Sometimes I will sit at the kitchen table writing. You'll know my mood by how hard I am using the pen.

I think those are a great start :)

As most of you know, work has been a nonstop crazy roller coaster ride ever since late September. Like I am busy from 8:30-5, every single day, and working most Saturday's to do new introductions or training's. I never have a day where I have to come up with "new" work- it's always there. My to do lists are pages long. It's exhausting, but at the same time, rewarding. When I hear from a volunteer that they feel impacted by the work they did for us, it makes it all worth it. When I take a new volunteer to meet their patient and they instantly click, it's worth it. Plus, I'm starting to see that I'm actually pretty decent at this job. Yesterday I got 20 applications turned into me from a class of social work students. I don't know what I'll do with them all, but it was exciting regardless. Some days I feel like I'm letting people down, if we can't get a volunteer in that area or I couldn't get that item they need. But I have learned that I can only do what I can do, I cannot solve every problem. I can just do my best.

If you could keep some people I love dearly in your prayers, I would most appreciate it. My brother, his wife Sara, Sara's sister Heather, and their parents Pat and Terry. I know you are all mourning the loss of Anton. I love you all. We're going to get through this. Don't be hard on yourselves and allow yourselves time to be angry, to be upset. That's okay. We'll get through it.

Em and Aly, two of the sweetest people I've ever known, lost their dear mom this week to cancer. Em, you'll always be one of my best friends. Your mama raised two beautiful young women who will, no doubt, make an incredible impact on this world. The mercy community is here for you, and we all love you.

I suppose that's all that's new. Just growing up, buying groceries, paying bills, Missing my old golden retriever...and, unfortunately, seeing hearts break over terrible losses. I just wish I could take away everyone's pain!

30 things my sister taught me

2012-02-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

30 things my sister taught me, in no particular order. some of these are silly, some serious, some I still need work on. Thank you, Maureen, for teaching me all of these things plus many more.

the song "somewhere out there" from an American tail can instantly solve your problems
school does not come easy for anyone, you have to work hard to earn good grades
never give up
if Jonathon is mad, hurt, or upset, leave him be or he might punch you in the stomach
combo's are the best snack for a car ride
marry your best friend
be a cheerleader for others
don't fall for every boy who gives you a second look
playing an organized sport is the best way to get exercise and learn about strategy and teamwork
replacing tv/computer with walking or reading
finding a job is often based on who you know, not what you know.
when serving mac and cheese, it's "one scoop for you, two scoop for me"
things end, and you have to move on from them, and there is always a new beginning
when you want something, you have to just do it.
never let your cousin whisper in your ear when they have a loose tooth
mercy high school will be the best four years of your life
friends may come and go but family is always there
start training in the summer for the fall field hockey camp
don't stress out over things which you cannot control
you never know how your past will catch up with you, so don't burn bridges
be honest
believe in yourself
babysitting is the best way to make a little extra money. make the kids milkshakes and they will love you forever.
never mix up a tablespoon and a teaspoon
u2 is one of the greatest bands of our generation
mercy's english classes prepare you to analyze, to write, to react, to live.
college is where you become who you are. choose your path wisely.
saving money is the key to getting by. make smart choices and budget well.
have a passion
life is too short to freak out over every little detail, so just relax

2012-01-29T17:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm at the very tippy top of a rollercoaster. I have that pit in my stomach feeling, my hands are gripping tight, and my mind is thinking "am I sure I want to do this?"

I'm moving out of my parents house next weekend. I'm nervous. It doesn't matter that they are 10 minutes away. It's not the fact that I'm getting away from them, and I don't anticipate being "homesick". No, that's not what makes me nervous. What makes me nervous is that I am officially growing up. I have, of course, lived on my own before, but not where I was supporting myself. Not where I was going to work a 9-5 job every day. This is really it.

I've always lived my life in stages, always known what was coming next. I felt safer that way. That's why the time period when I did not have a job was the hardest for me. It was the first time in my life without a plan. And now, although I'm steady in my job, my mind has already gone to the "what if's". What if I run out of money? What if my roommate can't stand me? What if, what if. It goes on and on. I guess I'm a little insecure. For the past year and 1/2 my parents have been supporting me financially and making the household decisions. Now it will be up to me and Susie. I'll be outside of my comfort zone. And that, my friends, terrifies me.

I'm going to turn this blog the other way and list the things I am looking forward too:

-Getting to know Susie better. She's always been a friend to the family, and I know what a great friend she is to my sister, so I am excited to learn more about her and get to know her better.
-Budgeting. I am going to be watching my money very carefully. But one thing I am actually looking forward to is getting back to the "simple living" model that I lived during my year of Mercy Volunteer Corps. Now I'm not saying I want to eat black beans and rice every night for dinner, but I am excited to take aspects of what I learned and put them back into action.
-Having people over for dinner parties. I am excited to cook for myself again and invite a friend over once in a while to enjoy it with me.
-Being so close to Martha. Martha is one of my absolute most favorite people in the entire world and I am ecstatic that I am 3 streets away from her. She gives me awesome advice and is someone I look up to as a successful businesswoman, and more importantly, kick ass mom.

So, wish me luck over these next few weeks as I work out all the details and settle in to my new home. Say some prayers that I stay calm...and don't be surprised if I don't have much interaction with the real world until mid February :)

Love you all! I apologize for the ups and downs of this post. My emotions are out of whack.

everybody seems so famous

2012-01-26T18:13:00.001-08:00

My mom gave her 2nd graders this story prompt

"Tell about a famous person you would like to invite to your huouse for a week. I would invite..."

Here are my favorites. I kept some spelling errors in on purpose.

"Ke$ha. I like Ke$he because she wears a lot of glitter. She is a good dancer and she looks like me. She would arrive in a limo. She would give me a makeover. We would make up a song. I think we would name the song "Cool TO Be You". IT would be so awesome. Ke$ha would sleep on my couch in my bedroom. We would put glitter on each other every day. Ka$ha would leave in her tour bus and that is my story".

"Justin Bieber. I would invite him because I like him. I know all of his songs by heart. My favorite is "Baby". I like it because it is a very great song. When he would walk in the door, I'd almost pass out. That's how much I like him! Oh, I forgot to tell you, he would arrive in a black limo. We would sing together. Every day we would sing and play ball in the basement. Then after two weeks he'd have to go back to his house. PS I had a great time with JB."

"Taylor Swift. Ding dong the door bell would ring. It would be Taylor Swift. She arrived in a black limo. She would say "Hello, your mom invited me for 1 week!". I'd say "Mom, you really mean it? Excuse me,Taylor.". I would ask "Mom, how much did this cost?". She answered "All of my love for you". "A party for me? You are the best!" At the party, she would sing Sparks Fly. She would give me a gift. It would be a stage with a disco ball. Before I knew it, it would be Sunday and she would have to leave. She would write me a note. The end"

"Manti Teo. He is my favorite player on the Notre Dame football team. He would park his Notre Dame limo in our driveway. He would walk in and as soon as I saw his face I would run and give him a hug. Then we would go outside and play snow football (I would tell him to go easy on me!). Then we would go and drink some hot cocoa (he would want some extra marshmallows!) The next day we would eat eggs for breakfast. Then we would ride his limo to Notre Dame. We would both go in the locker room before we had to play Boston College. I would play defense and we'd win 160-2. After the game, he would go back to his dorm and unpack. Ps He would let me keep his limo."

"Eminem. I'd invited him because I like his songs. I'd see him in a car. I'd learn all his songs with his help. He'd sleep on the floor. We would eat cereal and milk. I'd tell him how Mrs. Carolin doesn't like him and why! I'd get him a microphone. The last song he would sing to me is "Not Afraid". Then he go home."

"Taio Cruz. He sings Dynamite. I LOVE his music I think he sings "Break Your Heart". I would sing with him all night. He would sleep in my bed and I would sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor. Taio would get to my house by limo (if possible). We would go to Leo's Coney Island. Taio would get in a disguise, so no one would recognize him. We would talk about making him a new song. Maybe I could play drums or tambourine or something."

"Taylor Swift. I'd invited her because I like her songs. I have 60 something pictures. Taylor would arrive by an airplane. I would sing with her. She would sleep on my couch. She would eat cheesecake. We would take about her songs. I would be very, very sad that she had to leave. But I sucked it up."

"Lady Gaga because I like her songs. She will come in a black sparkly glittery limo. I will sing songs with her like "Born This Way" and "Poker Face". She will sleep in my brother's room because his bed is bigger and his room is the biggest. We will feed her whatever she wants and whenever she wants it. Lady Gaga has blond hair and blue eyes. She also has a meat dress. The next day she will leave we will miss her the end".

"Oprah because I really like her talk show. Oprah would arrive in a limo. We would play Bingo 14 times. Then, we would draw a little. We would watch her talk show then I would get to see her set. It would be so much fun! Oparh would sleep in my room. When Oprah had to leave I'd hang my head. She would say "I'll be back".

words, words, words

2012-01-24T18:22:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in my last blog how bothered I have been by people casually saying things like "Shoot me now" or "I'm gonna kill someone". I never really realized how often I hear them until recently. And now I cringe every time I do.

I've always believed that words are powerful, but this is the first time I can remember feeling physically ill because of someones choice of words. It's hit me just how much words matter. How we never really know what we say can affect someone else. Words can hurt. I think we need to be a little more conscious of that. I'm not saying we should spend every second worrying about our words and how they will affect others, because then we'd all be mute. But I do think we should be more aware of it. Choose them wisely. Take a deep breath and count to 10 before you speak. Think, "is this going to hurt someone? could this potentially hurt someone?". Sometimes it amazes me how fast words can get twisted. Rumors spread like wildfire all because someone changed a word or two in a statement they heard. It's sickening, really.

Words can also heal, though. If they are so powerful that they can tear someone apart, then they are also just as powerful to pick someone back up. We shouldn't be afraid to speak up and say "Hey, I care about you and your feelings". I am lucky that I work in a place where I see positive words shared between strangers every day. A volunteer will call in after meeting their patient for the first time, so excited that they were able to hear a story or that they could offer some comfort. It's a beautiful thing, our ability to touch one another through words.

So be careful. Choose your words wisely. Speak up, but speak carefully.

PS...Speaking of words, I just wrote this in about 4 seconds. Hope you like it.

hey, here we are again

hey, fancy meeting you again

I should warn you I'm not

the way I was back then

But before you run, baby you should know

I'm so much better than that

I'm not afraid like I was back then

You loved me then, I know

And I just shut you out

But I'm ready, yes I'm ready

I don't know what you've heard about me

Maybe that I went a little crazy

Maybe that I made new friends and left

others behind. but what they don't know

Is I'm so much better than that

I'm not afraid like I was back then

Afraid of loving me, afraid to be free

But I'm ready, yes I'm ready

And I'm so, so happy

That we're meeting here again

how are you doing?

2012-01-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

Gonna be totally honest: Susan's death has thrown me for a complete loop. I have lost many, many people in my life. Grandparents, friends, aunts and uncles, a cousin gone too soon. But I have never felt like this after a death. I have never had this much struggle.

I work for a hospice. I train new volunteers monthly, at least twice a month I am sitting there talking about grief. I know the terms, I know how to talk about what to expect and the different things that affect a person's grief. I know to say to every volunteer "grief is not a problem to be solved, it is simply a statement that you loved someone". But I was not prepared for this.

I have not slept well, my thoughts are consumed with thoughts of Susan and that night. A few times I have woken up with fingernail prints in the palms of my hand from clenching my fists. I don't remember a lot of details from last week. It's been tough. I haven't really known what to say when people have asked how I'm doing. The automated response is "oh, hanging in there". When really, all I want to say is "no, I'm not okay".

Earlier this week I really struggled with that, the fact that I wasn't okay. I felt like I was being selfish and then felt guilty. Lucky for me I have people to talk to about that and they helped me through it.

So how am I doing right now? Okay. I think the most frustrating thing for me is I've lost a lot of motivation. The 2nd hunger games book is in the same spot in my room where I left it that Tuesday night, I have not written in my journal since I found out, etc. I just don't care about anything as much as I did a week and a 1/2 ago. I'm trying to pick up the pieces, to remind myself that Susan would want us to move forward and keep on living. But I'm struggling. Violence has become a very real thing for me, a very disgusting thing for me. Since this tragedy, whenver I hear another story similair I want to throw up. Saying things like "I'm going to shoot someone" are no longer taken lightly. Just the other day my co worker said that to me. She said "Shoot me now", as I'm sure many of us say daily when we get frustrated. But it took a dagger at me.

I guess my point in writing this blog was to point out that we never know how things are going to work out, how things are going to affect us. But somewhere, somewhere beneath all the hurt I have to believe that there is a lesson in all of this. I have to believe that we are here to love and serve one another. To help each other heal and to be there when we break down. I have not quite figured out where my place is in this tragedy, because I am still dealing with my own emotions. But I know that no matter what, I will stick with the Hugo community, proudly. I have seen them come together and pray for one another, and now I will not leave their side. Even if I am just known as "Mrs. Carolin's daughter". I'm proud to wear that title, and I will do what I can to help others.

I know I'll be alright, and I will heal and figure out how to go on. I have my faith, my family, and my friends by my side. Thank you for that. A lot of people have helped me through this. A LOT. But I have to give a very special thank you to some of my co workers who have been absolutely incredible during this experience. Maggie who always asks how I'm doing and puts up with me whining. Tierra who can make me laugh in any situation and who understands me. Kim and Sue who let me vent, cry, talk, ramble. Sarah who will open her office door and let me sit and just let it out, who reminds me it's okay to break down, who gives me advice and just gets it. You guys have all been so awesome. Maggie and Tierra, I promise to not send whiny e-mails anymore :) <3 you!

I should stop rambling now, but it feels good to let this out. I love you all.

you are more.

2012-01-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

Since I seem to be in the letter writing mood today...

Dear Youth Group Kids,
I know I mentioned this a few times to many of you over the course of the weekend. But I just want to say how proud I am of each of you. I have watched a lot of you grow up, strange as that may seem. And to see how strong you are, how passionate you are, and how spiritual you are, is quite a gift for me. You each have very unique talents and gifts, I encourage you to keep on sharing them with the world.

I know a lot of you are feeling pain in some way. I wish you didn't, I wish I could take it all away. But I can't. What you are experiencing now won't last forever. It will shape you, form you, mold you into the person you are supposed to be. Don't let the little things in life get to you. Enjoy life. And talk to God. He is always listening. You don't need to be in "prayer mode". Just saying thank you to Him, or "give me strength" in a moment of weakness, those are simple ways to grow and strengthen your relationship with God.

I hope you remember the things you learned over the weekend. Most importantly, I hope you remember to treat each other with kindness and respect, always. We never know what a person is feeling, just by reaching out and showing compassion will make a difference. Remember to be someones prayer.

If any of you ever need to talk, or a place to get away, or want to go for a drive, I'm game. I promise you nothing you tell me will shock me. :)

I love you all. You are more.

Dear Fr. Michael,
Thank you. Thank you for all you do for this community. Thank you for being a source of guidance and inspiration for the teens in our parish. Thank you for shining so bright. Thank you for knowing what to say, for bringing words of comfort. Thank you for being strong but also showing us it's okay to be weak. Your words today were beautiful, and your interactions with the kids this weekend were graceful and comforting. You're the best. I am so glad to be working with you each Sunday night :)

I guess it's safe to say that the youth group retreat this weekend, combined with Susan's funeral today, were pretty emotionally draining. The funeral was by far the hardest hour and 20 minutes I have ever sat through in my life. When it was over I wanted to get out of there, run home, go to sleep and not go back to retreat. But I did, because I wanted to be there for the kids. And I'm so, so glad I did because even though I was feeling pain and grieving, talking with the youth group kids made me realize a lot about who I am and what I have to offer.

I feel so blessed to be a part of the St. Hugo community. I have met incredible families, children, teens, parents, teachers, etc. When a tragedy happens, I feel it hard, because I've been through a lot with these families.

I know what I'm about to write may sound strange to some people, you may not believe it, but I felt Susan today in that Church. When Fr. Mike was reading off the words her kids had used to describe her, I felt her there. I felt her smile and couldn't help but let one out myself. At that moment I said to her "We'll take care of those babies", and I swear she answered "I know you will". And we will. Because that's what we do. We care for people. And shouldn't life just happen that way? Looking out for one another, doing favors, reaching out to someone lonely. It should be a simple act.

I'm emotionally drained and rambling, but I had to get something out there tonight. I will be grieving and processing things for a long time to come. I really appreciate every one's support...but send it the kids way. There is a fund set up for them, you can read about it and donate here: http://rochester.patch.com/articles/family-of-susan-jarrell-creates-memorial-fund-for-3-children

We'll all miss you Susan. May you rest in peace.

dear laurence

2012-01-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Laurence,
Two years ago, God brought you Home. You lived your short, 15 years on this earth and taught those who knew who how to live, how to love, how to fight. But then God needed you up in Heaven to be his special angel, to watch over us and give us clues and hints on how to live. You've been watching over us and I've felt your presence with me nearly every day.

Laurence, today more than ever I need you, I need your grace and wisdom. I am helping lead a retreat for a group of kids your age. Kids who are dealing with typical teenage stuff, and now trying to wrap their heads around a tragedy that has hit all of us very hard. I need your help. Help me to bring them guidance, and strength. Help me to know what they need and to give it to them. Help us to break down walls and boundaries and treat each other as equals.

I hope you've met Susan. I hope you found her and gave her a big hug and are holding her hand as she watches over her kids. Send us the strength we need as we grieve her loss. Send us knowledge and wisdom on how to move forward.

I miss you Laurence. I miss you every single day. I have never forgotten the things you did in your short 15 years here on earth, I have never forgotten your words or actions. Thank you for staying with me and guiding me. Your story will be told, I will finish the book and share with the world the goodness that you shared with me, with so many of us.

I'm going to Ft. Walton in April, buddy. Your daddy and little brother are coming with us. I can't wait to walk along the beach. Remember when we drove down together? And you kept asking "how many more minutes?". I'll never forget that, it's one of my fondest memories. Ft Watlon reminds me of you, more than any other place. I can't wait to talk to Joey about it, tell him about our car ride and how you insisted on drinking bug juice the whole way down. I'm going to drink it in your honor :) I'll eat an oyster for ya, too.

Your friends have kept on living your mission. Sam, Ali, all of them. They started a ONE club at school. They continue to make a difference, all because of what you taught them. Sam's off to college next year. I pray that she will find exactly who she's supposed to be. I know she will, because she has a very special angel by her side who will guide her.

We're going to celebrate Airplane Day this year in Ann Arbor. I can't wait to see your mom, your friends, and all the people who love you so dearly and to celebrate your life.

Laurence there are so many things about this world I don't understand. But I have to believe there is a reason for everything, I have to rely on my faith to get me through.

I love you, Laurence, so much, and carry you with me every day. Please help me this weekend as I grieve and as I help others to make it through. Please sit with Susan. If you can, take her smile and send it down to her beautiful children. Bring them comfort.

Miss you. See you one day.

Love,
Megan

rest in peace.

2012-01-13T18:34:00.001-08:00

I honestly don't have the energy to muster up a "this is how I did" post about my week. This week sucked. Blew. Tore me apart, brought me down. There's no gentle way to put it. I did not keep up with my resolutions because that was the absolute least of my worries.

Most of you have heard by now that a very tragic event occur ed in my life this week. Someone who I admire, someone who I adore, was taken away from this world. Susan was, without a doubt, the sweetest woman I knew. Last year while I was on my job hunt, she asked me to come to her house every morning, get her kids up and ready for school and onto the bus. She cared a lot about her kids, and even though they were old enough to watch themselves, she felt better having someone there. That someone was me. I loved hanging with those kids every morning, they were sweet and never gave me any trouble. But even more than that, I loved seeing Susan's smiling face the minute I walked in the door. She was always smiling. Always. Never once did I walk in and see her without that smile. She would ask me how I was, how the job search was going, if I had any leads, and would tell me that I was on her prayer list and she hoped I would get a job soon. Before she left every morning, she had a cup of coffee made for me and would thank me- over and over- for coming over and watching the kids.

She didn't need to thank me. Susan was doing me a favor. She was giving me a reason to get up in the morning. She was showing me compassion and human kindness by keeping me in her prayers and encouraging me during my job hunt. She let me into her home and let me care for her beautiful children. I should have been thanking her. Susan showed me what it meant to be a mom. She lived her whole life for those kids.

I had just seen Susan a few weeks ago, when she picked up her oldest son from youth group, which I co-lead. There she was, smile on her face, asking me about my new job and telling me "thank you" for helping out with youth group. I once again came home and said to my mom "mrs jarrell has got to be the sweetest lady ever". Now I will never see he

Now Susan is gone, gone in a way that most of us cannot fathom or begin to grasp. Gone, and the kids are left with no parents. When my mom told me the news I crumbled. I cried. I screamed over and over "oh my god". I still cannot believe it. I still can't believe she's gone. I can't believe what those kids are going through. I can't believe the pain felt by all who knew her.

I want to say thank you for all the people who have had my back this week. Most of my coworkers have been amazing, offering to fill in where needed or just checking up on me. I'd like to particularly thank Sarah, Maggie, and Tierra for their support and lending a listening ear and open arms for a hug.

As most of you know, the youth group pulled together a prayer service on Thursday night in support of Nick. It was a beautiful ceremony. We are also going to have our youth group retreat this weekend, as planned. I imagine the kids will be very emotional. This kind of situation is difficult for anyone to understand, but teenagers especially. Please continue to pray for me, thank you.

I love and appreciate each and every one of you. Don't forget that. It's never too late to tell someone that you love them.

To Susan, I miss you, we all do, and we always will. I will never forget that smile. The world has truly lost a very special person. Your students were touched by your gentle ways, your compassion and understanding. Your kids know how much you loved them, how much you devoted your life to keeping them safe, healthy, and happy. And all of us that had the honor and blessing to know you, we thank you for coming into our lives and touching our hearts. We will take care of the kids, I promise. May you rest in sweet peace and send that smile down to us.

To my mom, who I know will yell at me for making her cry after reading this, Susan always said that you were her kids greatest teacher and biggest advocate. You led the fight to get Nick to UofD and she knows that. Susan loved you, mom, as so many other st hugo parents do. You are an incredible person who gives and gives so much of yourself to others. And I get to call you my mom. I get to nod my head when people tell me how great you are and say "yes, I know". We will get through this together mom. The St. Hugo Community has an angel among them, and her name is Mrs. Carolin.

from undecided to now

2012-01-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

I went into college "undecided". I was tossing around different ideas in my head- education, nursing, social work, psychology. I took general studies classes, but I didn't really have any idea what I wanted to do. I had joined a sorority in the fall of my freshmen year, and that immediately became my main focus. I spent 95% of my time at the sorority house or with my sisters. School, and my future, were put on the back burner.

Once at my sorority house I was talking to my friend Marisa, who was a senior. She was, I think, training me on taking over her position of director of scholarship. Director of scholarship is in charge of making sure everyone's grades are up to par, we had to maintain a certain gpa to be allowed members of the sorority. It was also the role of the director of scholarship to help the girls who were struggling by setting up study hours, helping to find tutors and extra help, and, guide them to settle on a major. Marisa was the one who guided me. She didn't mean to, really, she just said "I'm a family studies major". I asked what that meant, she said it studied family dynamics, that it could lead to counseling and family outreach positions. That sounded just fine to me. I liked helping people, I liked studying human interaction. Family studies it is!

I declared family studies as my major my sophomore year and stuck with it. I was never really happy. I liked it, sure, and I liked my professors. I liked having all my classes with the star of our football team, Louis Delmas...but I still never felt like I was doing me. It just felt like I was going through the motions. I remained very involved in my sorority until the day we closed down due to lack of money and support from alumnae. On that day, I realized I really had nothing to show for. A shut down sorority and a major I wasn't happy with.

All of that changed when I landed my internship with the Kalamazoo Child Abuse and Neglect Council. Prior to that internship, I had my heart set on becoming a child life specialist. But after learning how competitive the field was, I gave up. Luckily, KCAN swooped in when I needed it. The organization was tiny. Just two full time staff members and a board of directors backing it up. My role was, primarily, outreach. My supervisor put me in charge of some pretty large projects, and even let me create some of my own. It was the first time I had really felt needed in a job, felt like I could make a difference. Although I wasn't working directly with families dealing with abuse, I was helping to prevent it by educating the community. I loved every minute of that internship. Plus it gave me confidence, and I started volunteering at the juvenile detention center on the side, helping the female residents learn to read and write.

After graduation I had no idea where to go next. KCAN was not hiring any more staff. I figured I would land at a YWCA or something similar, creating more outreach programs. Instead I ended up doing a year of volunteer service through the Mercy Volunteer Corps, where I was placed at Cristo Rey High School. I wore a number of hats at the school, running the lunch program, peer mediation, teaching creative writing, and filling in for other teachers. If we're talking about most incredible experiences of my life, MVC was, hands down, the winner. I learned so much about myself and society that year. I learned how to push myself, how to push others.

After MVC I was once again "lost" on the job front. I searched for months before I landed a job at Boys Hope Girls Hope. I was excited to work with at risk youth again. That job ended up being a really bad experience. Organization was falling apart and all I did, and I mean literally all I did, was drive kids back and forth to school or tutoring, listening to Nicki Minaj or Trey Songz. I quit that job in January 2011.

So where did that leave me? Once again, lost. I search for jobs all across the United States at places like the Y, hospitals, schools, nonprofits, you name it, I looked. Finally, my sister told me that her husband's cousin mentioned there might be a job opening at the hospice where she worked. "Is that something you'd be interested in?" she asked me. "Probably not. But I might as well", was my response. I just never pictured myself in and administrative setting, much less a hospice. But, 9 months later, here I am, the volunteer coordinator for a hospice. I love my job, I do. I am back to doing outreach and managing programs, which is where I excelled at KCAN and Cristo Rey. Am I doing what a family studies major "should" be doing? Heck if I know. Does it matter? Probably not. I have a job, I'm fairly decent at my job, and it's giving me a whole heap of experience and networking tools. And yes, I'm happy, career wise.

So that, my friends, is my very up and down account of my field of study leading to my career. Random post, I know, but I was thinking about what led me to where I am today.

conquer, week 1.

2012-01-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

So the first week of 2012 is over- we survived. Barely. I mean wow 2012, way to come in with a bang.

First of all, work has been absolutely insane. I've been working on stuff until 10:30 every night, trying to get my ducks in a row. I get to work by 8, and am constantly busy. Whether it's on the road for meetings or running around the office getting stuff together, I'm nonstop. It's not always like this, it kind of comes and goes. I compare it to a game of jenga. Once it's quiet and steady, something jerks it and the whole thing falls apart. Next week will also be busy, but I won't be on the road quite as much. I just need a vacation. I know we kind of just had one with our Christmas and New Years, but I only had the Monday's after each holiday off, and even then I was running around. My back and shoulders ache from stress. I need a few days to just chill. But that won't be happening, since I work this Saturday, next Saturday, and I'm moving out. C'monnnn February! Bring some peace, please! I think I'm going to make a rule of no longer working on Saturday's. I can't get burned out.

So, as far as my resolutions, I've actually been doing pretty well.

Writing: I have been writing every day in my journal. So glad I'm back to doing that. Actually last night I stayed up until 1 am reading my journals from 09-10. I can't wait to one day give those to my children so they can read about my year with the Mercy Volunteer Corps. Anyways, here are some excerpts from stuff I wrote this week:

Sometimes I still think of you
I keep it a secret inside my heart
IF they knew they'd call me crazy
What they don't know is
How crazy I was for you
They don't know the promises you made me
They don't know you held on too long
And they sure don't know
No they don't know
That I haven't been the same
Since you said no
To us
I still think of what we could have been
You were almost the Noah to my Allie
But now the only notebook
Is the one where I write to you
The letters that you'll never read
They don't know the promises you made me
They don't know you held on too long
And they sure don't know
No they don't know
That I haven't been the same
Since you said no
To us
That summer was good to us
16 months went by and winter destroyed us
It wasn't the cold that took my breath away
It was the broken promises
The distance
And it all fell apart
When you said no to us

One of these days I'll have it all together
One of these days I won't worry
Yeah things are gonna be fine
One of these days
I'll push through the fear
Life will treat me kindly
I'll be in a better place
Oh one of these days

Diet/Exercise: I'd give myself a B. I've been wrting down what I eat on www.livestrong.com (highly recommend it, I think they have an app for you iphone people- it's super easy to use and breaks it down for you). But I haven't been exercising other than talking my dog for a walk around the block. I have to make a decision on gyms...whether I will stay with my Y with the amazing equipment and classes, or move to the Y closer to my new house that's not as up to date facility wise. Hope to decide next week.

Reading: I started two novels between Christmas/New Years that I really could not get into. So, I caved, and I started Hunger Games. Um, thank you to the million people who forced me into it, because holy cow! It's so addicting, and interesting, and fresh! I can't get enough of it. I'm just about halfway through and anticipate being finished by tomorrow night. So good!

Breaking Shyness: Well this week has kind of forced me to do that, and I'm really excited about it. I have really shown that I can be a leader if I push myself hard enough. Outside of the workplace, I did have an experience at Best Buy. I know that sounds crazy. But just hear me out for a second. Part of my social anxiety really hits at stores/restaurants. Because I hate talking to strangers I don't like talking to sales associates or waiters, etc. I hate looking them in the eye and I get totally nervous. I get a headache and my hands clam up, really fast. Well, I had to go to Best Buy to get a new laptop. I knew going in this wasn't just a grab it and go deal, I'd have to talk to the associates. So I did. I asked a few questions and explained what I was looking for to the sales guy, Justin. When I settled on a computer, we learned they didn't have any of that kind in stock. He said I could have the display one. That seemed fine to me. He went to ring me up and we kept talking-not just about the computer. I learned that he's been at Best Buy for five years, he's twenty days older than me, and in six months he'll be out of Best Buy and hopefully at a "real" job in IT. He learned that I work for a hospice, that I'll be out of my parents house soon. Now I realize this all just seems like casual conversation to all of you, but for me, it was a major win.

He also told me that because I was such a nice customer he was going to give me $50 off the computer. He also gave me a three year antivirus program for the price of the two years. So, I learned my lesson- talk, be nice :-D

By the way, my focus word for 2012 is conquer. Let's go. Let's do this thing.

what a man...

2011-12-30T17:32:00.000-08:00

I don't usually write these kinds of blogs but I was having a conversation with my best friend Alicia the other day about dating and relationships, and finding the "right" guy. I don't really consider myself picky, but I'm also not settling. So here...here is what I am looking for in a man.

You are intelligent. You have a college degree and a good, solid job that does not involve folding clothes or flipping burgers. You are not in debt (save for your rent, mortgage and/or car payments) and pay your current bills on time. I know, that may sound snobby. But goals and working hard to accomplish them are very important to me.

You have a strong relationship with God. My future man does not have to be Catholic, but he has to believe in God and be able to be open about faith and spirituality.

You are a family person. You love yours and will be anxious to fit right in with mine. You don't have kids right now, but are open to the idea of one day having adorable little babies. You like kids.

You do not smoke or do drugs. Blech.

You are not materialistic. You don't need the latest trend, gadget, whatever in order to feel better about yourself.

You listen well, you laugh often, and you know how to make me laugh. You are honest about your emotions. You own up to your mistakes. You're a kid at heart and believe in magic and romance. You treat all people with respect. You are not racist, homophobic, nor do you portray any form of hate on a certain "type" of person.

You are gentle but strong. You inspire me. You're creative and worldly. You have quirks to you that make you interesting.

You have a hobby or something that you are passionate about. You like to travel, see new things, meet new people.

You may look like a lumberjack.

You love me for who I am. You don't care that I go from an indie rock band to Janis Joplin to Kelly Clarkson on my Ipod. You don't make fun of me for watching American Idol. You understand that I am shy, and you help me feel more comfortable. You give me that knowing look when we run into someone we don't like so much.

So...where is he?

2012 goals

2011-12-26T18:42:00.000-08:00

I get really excited about the new year celebration. I love saying goodbye to a year of memories and then starting fresh. I, like probably most people, always sound like a broken record with resolutions & things i’m going to change & this year is no different. .My goals for 2012 are simple. I thought long and hard about these, about things that are reachable goals that I can actually do, and follow up on my progress.

1. Take one picture every day. (I tried this once and failed. Would like to try again).

2. Do 5 5k's before 2013. (anyone want to join me?)

3. Cook/bake more foods

4. Read a book a week

5. Write, every day, even if it is short. Finish my book for Laurence. Attempt to write one new poem/song lyrics every week. (To keep myself accountable for the cooking, reading, and writing, I will attempt to blog at the end of each week an update on what I accomplished that week.)

6. Lose weight. I say this a lot, I fail. But I'm going to work very hard at it. I'd like to be at my goal weight a year from now. I'm going to keep track of what I eat and blog every Wednesday, title it "weigh in Wednesday". I need a ton of support in this.

7. Break shyness/fear. Do one thing each day that scares me.

What are your goals? Will you help me with mine?

2011 moments and tweets

2011-12-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year, time to reflect on the blessings/highlights of 2010-2011.

**Cricket, Cricket**

Okay okay, there were some great moments. Usually this blog entry takes two entries because it is so full. Not so much this year, but that's okay. Because I am very proud of where I am right now.

So here, my friends, are some of my favorite moments of the year....in no particular order.

Getting Close to my mom's class. Last year, I was working part time and picking up odd babysitting jobs while searching for a full time position. I worked afternoons-evenings, so most of my days were free. And I spent a lot of them in my mom's classroom, helping with different projects. Those kids were probably the most obnxious class she's ever had, but I adored them...probably because they gave me a distraction. They gave me something to laugh about. And yes, they were little boogers, but they prayed for me to find a job, daily. They asked everytime I came in if I had found a job yet. I enjoyed them a lot. And now, I've been able to get to know the 11-12 class as well. Now they are cutie pies, and all so sweet and loving little creatures.

Writing. I feel like I wrote more in 2011 than I ever have in my life. I wrote more poetry, song lyrics...I did a huge blog challenge in April that forced me to really pull and reflect. I read a lot more, took more trips to the library. I wrote letters to people during Lent. Oh, yeah, and there's that book I'm writing about Laurence's life.

1/2 marathon I have no words for that experience (that's a lie because I wrote a really long entry about it after). But now, months later, I can't tell you how that felt. I've kind of lost that moment. Which I hate. The medal on my door is just a little reminder. I thought that looking at it every day would keep me motiviated, it hasn't. Maybe it will now. Maybe I can focus on that. Let's try. That weekend was special. It was the only time during that whole "finding a job" situation where I was able to really get away. I accomplished a huge feat. I got over a fear. I became stronger.

Babysitting. I had four semi regular babysitting gigs in the beginning of 2011. Overnight sitting for Claire and John when their mom had to take trips. I learned a heck of a lot about myself and patience during those trips. Those two are great, great kids. Then there were the Jarrell's who I spent my mornings with to get them off to school. I so enjoyed talking with them before they filed onto the school bus. Talk about maturity and grace and strength, those kids had it. Then there was the little baby boy who I "babysat" (and still do) most Saturday evenings. He's always in bed when I get there-always. So I just sit on the couch. He gives me a much needed break from life. I just sit there, watch a movie or read, with absolutley no interruptions. And then, of course, there are the always adorable Owie and Anna. Anna was 5, Owen 3. I loved spending my spring days with them! We played barbies, watched Dora, made mac and cheese, colored, drove to various activities. We had a blast, the three of us.

cleveland weekend
indy birthday weekend. I had so much fun in Indy with my brother and sister in law. It was very chill, but necessary,and,as always, a great gift to be able to spend time with them.

dave/katies wedding. Aah! That weekend was so perfect. I mean everything about it. I got to spend time with the greatest dude in the world, Dean Machine. I was reunited with my dear hearts Meghan and Jason. And, of course, the main event, I was honored to be a part of a ceremony that united two of my best friends, Dave and Katie. I had seen them go from strangers to friends to lovers, so to watch them celebrate that and the genuine love they have for each other was a true honor and blessing. <3

anne/jesses wedding. Such a fun night with old friends. One of the best weddings I have ever attended. I loved how much of Anne and Jesse I saw in the ceremony and reception. I loved how perfect their story is. And I loved feeling like I was in high school all over again.

tutoring at cristo rey: I was lucky that Cristo Rey allowed me to come back and tutor for a few weeks while I was on the job hunt. It was only for a very short time but it allowed me to reconnect with some of the kids and, in a way, bring closure to my whole year with MVC. I saw that they were being taken care of and that I could move on.

bhgh\quitting bhgh. Big Brother Boys Club Little Sisters Girls Hope was quite an...exeprience. It was the worst job I've ever had. Not because of the kids, but administration was so awful that it LITERALLY made me physically sick. But, I am grateful that I met Alethea. Even though we only keep in touch via text once in a while, she is one of the greatest people I know and I was dang proud to call her a co worker and friend. She has a heart unlike anyone I've known. It's a shame they couldn't see that. I'm also grateful for the kids. I don't (and can't) talk to them anymore, but I think of them every single day. I wonder how they are doing and pray that they are happy and healthy. I'm also thankful to myself for learning that sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I didn't want to quit a job, I'm not a quitter. But I HAD to. There was no fixing that place. So yes, I am grateful that when I had a 104 degree fever and they told me I had to come into work, that I said "no.".
lupus walk

idol concert. Is it weird that I can't really remember details of the Idol concert? Maybe I had heat stroke. I just remember we had a good time, and our seats were very close to the stage. I remember bits and pieces from being outside like seeing Stefano and Haley in a taxi but everything else is kind of a blur. But, I do remember saying that it was one of the best Idol concerts I had been too- so I must have had a good time :-D

tigers game. I am forever thankful to the Tigers game for bringing me closer to Maggie and Tierra. I remember thinking on the drive down that it was going to be a disasted...and it kind of us...as were the events that followed the following week (company lay offs). But we still managed to have a good time, and came out of it becoming accomplices, and now friends.

cleveland weekend. OMG. Best weekend ever. Sometimes I cannot believe our luck that weekend. I got to see my number one Idol and inspiration, Melinda, sharing a stage with legends. I got to spend time with two amazing backups. I got to hug my Mama Melinda for the first time in years. Then I got to spend time with three my lovely fwands, Desi, Sam, and Brenna. I got to see Gavin live and fall in love with his music again. I saw Cook perform songs from an outstanding album. And I got to thank them for all they did for me.

getting the job. This job has been tough. It's been a learning experience, it's been a test of patience. It's been a whole new set of challenges, every single day. And it exhausts me. BUT, I have never been so proud of myself in a job. I feel like I am creating something, making it my own. It's a fight, and I work hard. But I get a lot back. I get to see smiles on the faces of volunteers when they feel they made a difference. I get staff who are supportive of the program and me and who encourage me to keep on going. I have made some new, wonderful friends...but most of all, I have just seen the beauty of human interaction, the impact we can make on each other when we put everything aside and just listen.

favorite tweets of the year

JordinSparks:Watching the Discovery channel right now & I had no idea jellyfish were so gangster.

lizZmilK: @Zammie255 oh fuxk I forgot where I lived lol

elliotyamin: Haha!.well nobody wanna hear bout how dirty yo swift is!RT@thedirtyswift: @elliottyamin hey man nobody wants to hear about your "instrument"

Kanye West: I could never do stand up cause I tell jokes better when I'm sitting

DavidArchie: Nothing like getting creamed in basketball by your mom lol.

mdoolittle: Changed my hair a bit...love it, but just walked by the mirror in my hotel & screamed cuz I thought someone else was in my room. #embarrased

kelly_clarkson: Recently found out that Easter falls on my birthday this year .....Jesus is totally stealing my thunder!

lizZmilK: I am a machine that turns alcohol into dancing.

Georgehuff4real: SANG CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!

BrunoMars:I shall pelvic thrust extremely hard in honor of all my critics in the audience tonight.. I hope they're on birth control.

DavidArchie: Can't wait for Cars 2. Pixar never lets me down.

GTLauren:I owe my ability to meeting people I've seen in concert to @Zammie255 and @mcaro05

ramielemalubay It's definitely too hot for pants

CaseyAbrams: A Very cool person Named Megan gave me an Esperanza Spalding Vinal. Chamber Music Society, AMAZING! Thanks Megan, means a lot :)

mdoolittle: Really excited! Finished all my "hoework"...think I'll take a quick nap. :-)

mandisaofficial What? NBC has a show called "American Ninja Warriors" & I've nvr heard of it? How is that possible? I LOVE American Ninja Warriors! #sarcasm

jambajim: To the Taylor Swift fans who just saw a half-naked @jambajim changing in my hotel room, I THOUGHT THE BLINDS WERE CLOSED DON'T CALL THE COPS

kelly_clarkson: Found the puppy poo!! Thank you God!

Toddyrockstar Just realized that I don't have a favorite color :( Guess I better start making some serious decisions

aaronspears Am I the only person who tweets sometimes while dropping chalupas??? I'm curious... #ipromiseimnotdoingitnow #toilettweeting

SaraBareilles I haven't said much today. Although I did eat a yogurt. And some string cheese. So me and dairy are talking.

Zammie255:@mcaro05 listening to whatta man by salt n pepa and it reminds me of you for some reason....... I have no idea why.

zammie255 @lizZmilK I'm singing Adele and sleeping

BrunoMars Theres an owl outside that wont shut up!! Let me sleep you spooky fuckin owl!!!!

CaseyAbrams does any one wanna come and scratch my scalp?

mdoolittle That dang T-Mobile commercial! For some reason, I KNOW they're saying walking in a 4G wonderland, but I never hear the "f" in four!

jessyjams adam levine is about to line these broads up for a different play date for each day of the week

TheFray Overheard backstage tonight: "there's only one wine opener here. And Kelly Clarkson has it." -is

2011 in Entertainment

2011-12-16T17:32:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Albums

10) Florence and the Machine- Ceremonials
9) Mandisa- What If We Were Real
8) Jack's Mannequin- People and Things
7) NeedtoBreathe- The Reckoning
6) David Cook- This Loud Morning
5) Kate Voegele-Gravity Happens
4) Gavin DeGraw- Sweeter
3) Lady Antebellum- Own The Night
2) Kelly Clarkson- Stronger
1) Adele- 21

10 Favorite Singles (Some albums were not released in 11, but these singles were)
Just so you know, this list originally had 50 songs on it. I made myself cut it to 15.

15. Headlines- Drake
14. Not Over You- Gavin DeGraw
13. Skyscraper- Demi Lovato
12. Stronger- Mandisa
11. Own The Night- Lady Antebellum
10. Mr. Know It All- Kelly Clarkson
9. How To Love- Lil Wayne
8. If I Die Young- The Band Perry
7. It Will Rain- Bruno Mars
6. You and I- Lady Gaga
5. Forget You- Cee Lo Green
4. Born This Way- Lady Gaga
3. Someone Like You- Adele
2. Rolling in the Deep- Adele
1. Super Bass- Nicki Minaj

10 Favorite Non-Singles (all from albums/eps released in 2011).

10) Ooohsand Aah's- NeedtoBreathe
9) Just Cry-Mandisa
8) Broken Bird-Jack's Mannequin
7) We Believe-David Cook
6) Telephone Games- Jack and White
5) Wanted You More- Lady Antebellum
4) Sandcastles- Kate Voegele
3) Soldier- Gavin DeGraw
2) Honestly- Kelly Clarkson
1) Don't You Remember- Adele

10 Favorite Movies I saw

10) Breaking Dawn
9) Lion King
8) Country Strong
7) Harry Potter
6) Friends with Benefits
5) Water for Elephants
4) Crazy, Stupid Love
3) Bridesmaids
2) 50/50
1) The Help

value

2011-12-14T15:20:00.000-08:00

I've been in a crappy mood as of late. Can't get in the holiday spirit, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and just plain burned out. It hit me today what I want: I want to feel valued. Not in the selfish way. I don't need people to tell me I'm awesome. I just want to feel like I am worth something. I want to feel like all my hard work is going somewhere. Like I am on the right path.

But then I also realized- the root of all of this is that I do not always value myself. I knock myself down all the time. Having other people acknowledge me or tell me how I'm doing will go nowhere unless I believe it. And, I have the control to believe that. I thought for a long time that I had finally learned to love myself, but it's evident lately that I still have not learned that very needed lesson. I wish I could. I pray about it all the time. I try. Yet, I still let things about myself slip through the cracks, while trying to hold everything else together. I like to be the person who helps others. It's time for me to help myself.

It's going to be hard but I am going to try to start doing things that are best for me. Being healthier, happier. I know, you can roll your eyes and say you've heard this before from me, because you have. And hey, there's a possibility I will fail and fall back into this pit that I have seen so many times before. But I'm going to fight harder, push further, than I ever have before.

So yes, I want to feel valued and worthy. And it all starts with me.

2011-12-11T15:07:00.000-08:00

I don't remember the last time I posted new writing. I usually post it to tumblr. So, here you are. Sorry if there are repeats!

"Comfortable"
July 2011

Don’t you remember the day we met
Exchanging glances and smiles
You walked over and said
You know I’ve got a thing for girls who are shy
We’ve been hand in hand ever since
And we don’t have to say a word
Comfortable with silence
Comfortable with you
I live to be loved
I live to be loved by you
Have I told you I adore you
For showing me a world I’ve never known
I told you I was a mess
You just took my hand
And we’ve been hand in hand ever since
And we don’t have to say a word
Comfortable with silence
Comfortable with you
I love to be loved
I love to be loved by you

Liars and Thieves
July 2011
Well, congratulations, sweets
You’ve made the list of liars and thieves
I’ve never added someone so fast
It’s gotta be some kind of record
Our story ended before it really began
I believed you when you said
“I’m not going anywhere”
You promised I wouldn’t get hurt
You made me feel safe, for once in my life
I turn around and you’re with her
Looks like you went somewhere
And I really thought you were different
I was under the impression
you were one of the nice guys
boy you had me fooled
I believed you when You said “I’m not going anywhere”
You promised I wouldn’t get hurt
You made me feel safe, for once in my life
I turn around and you’re with her
Looks like you went somewhere
So I wipe my hands clean of you
I won’t spend time wondering what I did
Because I’ve learned my worth
You said I was the sweetest thing you’d ever known
Well, You’re going to want to be careful
Cuz when it comes to breaking hearts
Im not so sweet
I believed you when You said “I’m not going anywhere”
You promised I wouldn’t get hurt
You made me feel safe, for once in my life
I turn around and you’re with her
Looks like you went somewhere
And I’ll be fine if I never hear from you again
I just wanted you to know
I’m so sick of liars and theives

Apology
August 2011

Which one of us will crack first?
Offer apologies for how
We’ve been acting lately
I guess it’s gonna be me
Since you’ve always had trouble
Admitting you wrong
But let’s be honest
This thing’s been over for years
Holding on by a thread
I know you had better ways to spend your time
I guess I’m sorry you wasted it on me
You just love to push me aside
But I was always there
And I’m sorry I’m just now seeing
You never really cared
You spill your soul to anything with ears
But they don’t know you like I do
And yet it’s been so long
I forget the sound of your voice
I can’t take this deadly silence between us
It was never this bad, never this torn
I don’t even know you
Maybe I’m sorry I ever did.

Oh No
August 2011
Oh no not you again
I’ve seen your type before
Sowhy don’t you make a quick exit
Oh no you went and smiled at me
Why’d you do that, don’t you know I’m weak
Let’s just forget this night we’ve had
Oh no, I can’t do this again
I always seem to fall for
You should leave before I get too attached
Oh no I think I’m falling for you
I know of wish I’d never met you
Oh no I did not mean that
I’m starting to think we could be
The beautifully written story
I’ve been waiting for
Oh no you just got down on one knee
This is love and you say “marry me”
What will I say, an you guess?
Oh, baby, you know it’s yes

Now you’re the heartbreaker
September 2011
Don’t take another step toward me
You’ve lost me now
Wasn’t that your biggest fear
So why’d you go and lie to me
And make those empty promises
When you knew how much I hated those
I would’ve given you my whole world
I would’ve been everything you wanted
It’s a damn shame you couldn’t see
I could’ve been the one for you
You looked me in the eyes and cupped my face
Don’t you remember that night in the park
I bet you take her there too
Bet you say those same beautiful lines
I would’ve given you my whole world
I woud’ve been everything you wanted
It’s a damn shame you couldn’t see
I could’ve been the one for you
How does it feel to be the heartbreaker
I wonder if you’re proud
I’m not sticking around to find out
You’ve lost me now
I would’ve given you my whole world
I wou’ve been everything you wanted
It’s a damn shame you coulnd’t see
I could’ve been the one for you.

He Lied She Stole
August 2011
The way we were talkin
You’d think we’d be headed to the church by now
But I haven’t heard from you in days
And I’m starting to think I’m losing you
Don’t you dare try to put this blame on me
Cuz when I said I miss you
You never said I miss you too
I pick up on the little things like that, love
And when I asked you what your day was like
You never cared about mine
I think I’ve lost your interest
I think your mind found someone new
So don’t tel me you don’t have time to talk
Cuz I think she’s been talkin to you
Now that I’m thinking about it
I might be better off without you
I’m remembering all our conversations
And how they were always about you
We went from head over heels in love
To two kids holding a grudge
I think I’ve lost your interest
I think your mind found someone new
So don’t tell me you don’t have time to talk
Cuz I think she’s been talkin to you
I just wanted to know where I stand
And now I’m standin alone

Bye bye, boy
October 2011

Hey, hey, boy
Settle down, let’s talk this out
You’re mad I’m walking away
Trying to say I broke your heart
You think I’m weak, don’t you boy?
Excuse me while I roll my eyes
Oh boy, you’ve got it all wrong
Yeah I gave you that second chance
And you just threw it away
Boy, I’ll be honest
I’m not feeling you anymore
I guess we lost that spark
I guess I came back down to earth
You should’ve used that chance
And done some proving this could work
But you proved why it’s all wrong
And I’ve realized, yeah boy I realized
There’s so many things about you
Well, things I just don’t like
You shouldn’t tell me about the other girls
You should get your act together
And you shouldn’t lie, no, you shouldn’t lie
So bye bye, boy
No I don’t put up with liars, boy

Courage
December 2011
I think I’m about to lose you
Before I even have you
All because I’m too scared too
Say “I need you”
You are just the type
I want to spend my days with
But you seem so happy without me
I wish I knew how to slip right into your life
I wish I knew how to capture your heart
Before you walk away and I lose my chance
I don’t wanna lose my chance with you
I’m hoping the courage rises
from my gut to my mouth
and I can finally speak
the words I wanna say to you
“You and I could be something great”
But you seem so happy without me
I wish I knew how to slip right into your life
I wish I knew how to capture your heart
Before you walk away and I lose my chance
I don’t wanna lose my chance with you
I don’t know yet if I want to be forever with you
But I don’t want to be forever alone
So let’s start with for now

Princess Worthy
December 2011
I heard once in a movie
all girls are princesses
what's that feel like
tonight I feel empty
tonight I'm not worthy
of a crown of any sort
tonight I feel ignored
and torn down to pieces
I am the stereotype
of a lonely girl, tonight
sitting alone in my room
listening to music that makes
even the strongest cry
and watching my tears hit the floor
wishing someone would come
through that door, tonight
and say didn't you know
all girls are princesses
and you're my princess
tonight

don't give up

2011-12-06T13:32:00.000-08:00

I wish I knew why bad days happen, why funks happen, why suddenly your entire world feels like it's crashing down. Sometimes, life just sucks. Sometimes it feels too much to bear. And you know that? Regardless of what society says, that's okay. Break down. Cry. Throw something. Use a voo doo doll. Just don't give up.

People are going to tell you that you can't do it. You're going to tell yourself that you can't do it. You will make mistakes. You will be a step behind, sometimes. You won't always have the answers. Sometimes it feels like it's game over, there's nothing else you can do. Sometimes you're standing alone with no one by your side. Sometimes you don't think you can take one more step.

You can. You have the strength to move forward. You can win. You have your entire life ahead of you, still. Each day is a blessing, and it is your choice to do something about it, to love as much as you can and to give life every fighting chance. God created you, yes, you, especially for a certain path. You can't lose sight of that. There is too much good in you, too much worth, to shut it all down.

Quitting is the worst thing you can do. Quitting is not giving yourself a fair chance. You are not allowing yourself to be the best person you can be, you will never know what you are capable of. You are not showering the world with your gifts, if you give up.

So don't give up. Fight the fight. Your dreams are in reach.

100 things I love.

2011-12-02T12:41:00.000-08:00

10 Activities
being inches away from a stage at a concert for an artists i adore
going on a road trip with my best friend on the passenger side and our favorite music playing
being nervous during a volleyball game, but feeling intense satisfaction after I slam the ball down
talking to kids and hearing their stories, fears, jokes.
getting lost in a book
watching a movie and connecting to a character
taking a life experience and putting it on paper in song/poem format
seeing the impact very selfless people make on people who are at the end of life
spending an entire day dedicated to just me
discovering new things

10 Restaurants

a little piece of heaven in a crepe, good girls go to paris
my happy go lucky barista at starbucks who gives me my venti skinny vanilla latte and spinach feta egg white wrap once a week
my staple veggie panini, red ox
special occasions galore at cheescake factory
family breakfast after church at leo's coney island
memories of bonding with college roomates at applebee's
the "worth the two hour wait" bbq at slow's
high tide in ft walton beach florida brings back the smell of the sand and ocean and the feel of sunburned cheeks
hot guys around a hot grill at mongolian bbq.

10 People

I'm just gonna name the first 10 people that come to mind.

Aunt Mary Ann
Bonny
Katie G (Although I guess she is now Katie A)
Alicia
Christine
Dave A
Nate
J Bizz
Meg Mal
Jena

10 Foods

Crunchy, juicy chicken fingers
a thai dish with noodles, peanut sauce, and tofu
white bean chicken chili on a sunday afternoon
my "I could eat every night for the rest of my life" food, salmon
sweet potatos with a smidge of butter and cinnamon
quesedilla's filled with veggies
snack time- pita and hummus
spinach and feta omlette for a sunday morning
b-a-n-a-n-a-s
lame, but I'm all about a good hearty sandwich.

10 Places
sand between my toes, ft walton beach florida
beautiful disaster: detroit
someday I'll be living in Nashville, TN
never been but dream about new york city
ireland, my homeland :-)
she said I think I'll go to Boston
anywhere off north I75 in the summer time for a quick getaway
indianapolis to see my brother and sister in law
australia for the accents, mate
chi town, baby

6 Drinks/Beverages
deliciously dangerous yin yangs
childlike chocolate milk
quenching vitamin water
addictive coffee
got me through finals in college, diet coke. particularly in the shape of a "den pop".
iced tea, unsweetened. i'm a plain kinda gal.

4 Desserts
summetime treat- vanilla ice cream with sprinkles
holiday favorite- warm apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream
something small and sweet- Oreos
would stab someone for- red velvet cheescake

10 Songs (at the moment)

You Love Me (Kelly Clarkson)
Headlines (Drake)
Baby It's Cold Outside (Casey Abrams and Haley Reinhart)
Telephone Games (Jack and White)
Love Is Christmas (Sara Barielles)
Valerie (Amy Winehouse)
Own The Night (Lady Antebellum)
Ours (Taylor Swift)
Sexy and I know It (LMFAO)
It Will Rain (Bruno Mars)

10 Web Sites

tiwttah to promote and engage
facebook to keep up with friends and family and share things that make me happy
tumblr to fangirl
blogspot for my thoughts
pintrest for fresh ideas
stumbleupon for a bordedom cure
google for everything and anything
melindasbackups.com for feel good
pandora to keep my ears happy

10 Writers
Jen Lancaster
Emma Donoghue
Emily Dickinson
J.D Salinger
JK Rowling (Thank you, Miss)
Kathyrn Stockett
Amy Tan
Lisa Genova
Jodi Picolut (I'm such a girl)

10 Famous lines from movies

can you name what movie each of these are from?

"just keep swimming"- FINDING NEMO

"You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you... . That's where I'll be waiting"- HOOK

"A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others."- WIZARD OF OZ

"Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here."- FORREST GUMP

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."- THE HELP

"You always said how lucky you were that we were all friends. But it was us, baby, who were the lucky ones"- RENT

"What we have here is a failure to communicate"- COOL HAND LUKE

"I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be."- ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

"As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened and we can't."- NOW AND THEN

Who brings out the best in you?

2011-12-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

Who brings out the best in you?

Hmm. I suppose for me this means people who I am my complete self around. My best complete self.

My family. This wasn't always the case, I guess. I used to be much quieter around my family. I used to feel inferior. Not anymore. I love my family and I love the happy feelings I get around them. I love how we can laugh for hours over silly things and be totally honest with one another. I like that we can help each other and be proud of one another and how much we show our care for each other. Around my family, I am complete.

The Sisters of Mercy. They bring out the best in me, spiritually. They take me to a whole new level of life and love. They remind me of what I am capable of. They teach me how to be a better person. They show me a fresh, beautiful outlook on life. I know it sounds crazy to some people but whenever I am at a Sisters of Mercy event, I feel like I am home. They are absolutely fascinating women with a purpose and a passion, and they inspire me to be true to myself and to recognize my talents. Around the Sisters of Mercy, I am love.

My friends Alicia, Sam, Dean, and Christine. They are four of my best friends and four of the people I love the most in this world. They know me inside and out, they know my strengths and weaknesses, they know what makes me laugh. Most importantly, they know my worth, and they remind me of that. They each bring something unique to my life and I love how happy I am when I am around them. (And even happier that I will get to spend 2-3 days a week with Christine because she just got a job at my company!) Around these friends, I am life.

The backups, and Melinda, more than anyone else, have taught me how to be brave- and I feel brave around them. The backups are special because they have watched me grow up. In some ways even more so than my family, because for a while it was the backups hearing my secrets and stories more than anyone else. They accepted me through it all, which made me a more confidant person and a stronger person. Around the backups and Melinda, I am brave.

Cristo Rey High School. Cristo Rey gave me a wonderful experience and an opportunity to grow. The staff helped me learn how to be a Christian servant, and the kids taught me about gratitude and simplicity. The year I spent in that school was the best year of my life and I miss it daily. When I go back and visit I feel whole again. Around Cristo Rey, I am fulfilled.

The artists who have given me the opportunity to lose myself in their music, even in a crowded room of people. Who have allowed me to connect to their life and stories and songs. Who have allowed me to be dancing one minute and crying the next because their song reminds me of a person or event. When I am at concerts with these artists, I am free.

God. God brings out the best in me every single day. He picks me up whenever I fall. He never lets me down. He provides me with people and things that I need to get by. He loves me, unconditionally. He gives me life every day. He leads the way. He reminds me what to do when I am troubled. He puts me at peace when I am anxious. He gives me strength. He is my rock. I am Me because God is here with me.

Who brings out the best in you, kids?

thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T18:15:00.001-08:00

I am thankful to have literally the best family a person could ask for. A father who is compassionate, introspective, and genuinly concerned about others. A mom who is a fabulous teacher, friend, who does what she can to see others happy and successful. A sister who is patient, kind, passionate about her work and her relationships. A brother in law who gives great hugs, who takes care of people. A brother who sees a broken person and immediatley goes to help them, who works hard to make other people laugh and feel accepted...and a sister in law who shares my sense of humor but who is much braver and stronger than I with a care free attitude.

I am thankful for the friends who have stood by me through everything, without question, and who have taught me, held my hand and let that hand go at the right times. For the friends who inspire me with the great work they do, who love freely and give as much as they can.

I am thankful for music that gets me through each and every day. I know everyone thought I was joking when I thanked Nicki Minaj this year but I was 100% serious. For five months I did nothing but listen to Pink Friday on repeat while I applied for jobs. For Melinda, Mandisa, The Spill Canvas, Kelly Clarkson, Adele, NeedToBreathe, Lady Antebellum, Gavin DeGraw, Bruno Mars, JillandKate, Taylor Swift, Drake, Sara Barielles, Kate Voegele, Jacks Mannequin, Gaga, Hanson, Jack and White, Florence and theMachine, Christina Perri...I love you all. Thank you for giving me life :)

I am thankful for a rewarding job that inspires me daily. I am thankful that I am part of this beautiful ministry of end of life care. That I can hear stories from patients and volunteers that touch my heart and make me a better person. That I have coworkers who unselfishly give so much to our patients. For Sarah, who got me this job and who has been a constant source of support. For Maggie and Tierra who make me laugh and help me on the bad days. <3

I am thankful for new opportunities. For closed windows and open doors. For finally seeing that sometimes things just happen for a reason. For never giving up. For learning how to believe in myself. For the opportunity to serve God. For growing up. For living a life that I am proud of.

Love you all.

friendship

2011-11-14T16:20:00.000-08:00

All weekend I was thinking about friendships. Friends who've come and gone, fake facebook friendships that I should really delete, the concept of making new friends as an adult. So, I found it highly ironic that when I walked in to youth group on Sunday, the theme was friendship. Hello, God.

I'm helping lead this years youth group at my Church. It's been fun, the kids are vibrant and full of energy...at times frustrating, but mostly, a way to help me express my faith.

Last night we talked about the good things of friendship and the bad. The kids were supposed to yell out their ideas. I had my own ideas in my head...and this is basically what I came up with:

friendship is great when it's mutual...when there is no jealousy, when we can celebrate accomplishments with each other. when we can equally share. Friendship is dangerous when it's dishonest, one sided, jealous, controlling.

I've had both, as I'm sure we've all had. I had a few friendships that I thought were great, only to realize years later how dangerous and poisonous they were. I've also had friends who have been wonderful and supportive, yet I've pushed them aside because I knew they'd always be there. That's not right either. The important thing is for you to REALIZE when a friendship is dangerous, and to get out. If you put all of your time and energy into a friendship and are getting noting in return but emptiness and negativity, say goodbye. That's not a friendship.

So cheers, to all my friends. I love you.

PS: I don't think I've given 2010-2011 enough credit. While it wasn't full of incredible events, I did have two life changing events- I walked a 1/2 marathon and I landed my first full time, after college job. Plus, I have made new friends. Tierra, Maggie, and Sarah, thank you guys for your support and for making me laugh. I wouldn't be able to do this without the three of you :) You all inspire me!

cry baby

2011-11-12T16:35:00.000-08:00

This is random.

Random Thoughts by Megan on a dark, Saturday night.

1. I love my job. I've been with the company for nearly 7 months now, and I fall in love with my job more and more every single day. It's no secret that we've had our struggles, and sometimes the heavy workload really weighs me down...but when it comes down to it, I happily wake up and drive to work every day. I am amazed and inspired by my patients, co workers, and, most of all, my volunteers. They put in so much to making our patients and staff happy. It really warms my heart. I'm a lucky girl, that's for sure.

2. I don't know when I'm going to begin feeling like I'm growing up. I feel like a stronger person, but I don't feel like a grown up. I think it helps that I'm the youngest person at work, so everyone considers me the babay. But then other times, I remember that I am managing a huge program and am the "supervisor" to people much older and wiser than I. Sometimes I feel like I can't wait to get out of my parents house and move on. Other times I just have the urge to curl in a ball, cry my eyes out, and have someone play with my hair and tell me it will be okay. Do we ever grow out of that?

3. I'm too tired to make friends. I know that sounds ridiculous. But I literally do not have more than a few friends I can call up and say hey let's hang out. And I am too lazy I supposed to make the effort to make new ones. I don't even know where to make new ones. (This is code for I'm really lonely and I hate it and wah wah wah)

4. Most of you have seen me post about this on facebook/twitter. But SERIOUSLY. If you want to hear a good Christmas song then you need to go to itunes/amazon this instant and download "God Bless Us Everyone" by Melinda Doolittle. Yes Melinda is my favorite Idol and I may be a little bias but it is my favorite Christmas song, ever. There is something about it that just warms my heart and makes me want to decorate a Christmas tree and eat sugar cookies and hug my family. It is the very definition of Christmas joy.

5. Sometimes I feel like the last year of my life didn't happen. I know that sounds crazy but I honestly like have blacked out the 10-11 year. I keep telling people I did a year of volunteer service last year...when really, last year I was sitting in different coffee shops for hours at a time, applying to jobs and listening to Nicki Minaj. I can usually pin down my feelings/emotions during a year, but last year was just BLANK. I'm glad I actually have some awesome things to remember about the second half of 2011, even if it was mostly work memories.

6. Here are some things I'm looking forward too:
Thanksgiving
Mandisa in Fremont Dec 18th
Getting in the Christmas spirit
Christmas
Growing Up
Future Youth Group events

2011-11-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

I've been looking forward to this weekend since early September. When David Cook and Gavin DeGraw announced they were touring together, I just had to go. Gavin is my favorite male artist, hands down. His music is one of the things that defines me. And I love me some David Cook. I'm not a huge, huge fan, but his latest album is incredible and I had not seen him live since Idol tour. So, my friends and I were excited for a night of fun and live music. Then, about a month later, I find out that my Idol, my heart, Melinda Doolittle, was going to be in Cleveland the night before at an Aretha Franklin tribute concert. Could things be any more perfect?

Everything about this weekend was wonderful. It just all worked out so well. I arrived Saturday morning to my dear backup friends Maria and Des. We decided to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, somewhere I've always wanted to go. I was glad we did, it was really awesome. It can take a few hours to get through the whole thing! The hi light of the museum was the special exhibit "Women Who Rock". It highlighted different women in music, going back from the early days to present. Each artist had a display of an outfit and some other item...some handwritten lyrics, some appointment books...very cool stuff. Maria told me "see Megan you should save your journal maybe it will be on display someday" HA! :) I was most excited about the Aretha Franklin and Janis Joplin (love her) displays...and of course all the more current women...like Gaga and Taylor Swift. They had a recreation of Gaga's meat dress, which was...gross. But still kind cool. And for Taylor, they had the actual post it notes of her handwritten lyrics for "change". Just cool stuff. Totally my kind of thing, I was in my personal music heaven.

By the time we were down walking through the museum, it was nearly time to head downtown for the show. So we made a stop at Starbucks and then headed into the theatre. The show was very special. I felt honored to be in that room. First Aretha was awarded an honorary doctorate from Case Western. Then they had the artists come out and sing some of her songs. In between artists they would pull down a screen and play an old video of Aretha singing or an old interview, which was cool. There were a lot of Detroit mentions. Oh, and this whole time, Aretha was just a few rows in front of us. I honestly got chills at one point just thinking about how I was in the same room with some legends!

Melinda was the second artist to perform. She was out-freaking-standing. I know I'm bias, but my LORD can that girl sing. I haven't heard her sing live in a few years, and I honestly think she sounds even better than she did before, if that's possible. There is just such a rich, powerful tone to her voice. I got goosebumps. She sang "Wonderful", a 2003 Aretha song (and also on Melinda's debut album Coming Back To You). She also sang "Since You've Been Gone", a 1967 Aretha tune, and a song Melinda did on Idol...one of my favorite Idol performances, actually. She was sassy, she looked amazing (She's TINY) and just looked so happy. She also gave a very sweet, genuine nod to "Dr Aretha Franklin". She was fantastic. After she left the stage the emcee for the night said "I think Melinda will be around for a long time!"

Besides Melinda, my other favorite performers of the night were Dennis Edwards from the Temptations and Chaka Khan. Overall though, the show was outstanding and people seemed to respond very positively to Melinda. I could not be more proud of her. She was among legends (I mean cmon...Chaka Khan??) and proved that she can hold her own.

After the show we headed back to the hotel to eat cheesecake and watch football. The news came on, gave a little clip of the Aretha Tribute, and guess what? The clip they used was Melinda!! Proof that she's the best. Period. :)

The next day the three of us headed out to meet Melinda and Kelley (Melinda's manager/best friend, for those non backups reading this). I was so excited to finally get to talk to them after about a year and a 1/2. It's been far, far too long. Melinda still gives her tight hugs! Melinda and Kelley both told me I looked pretty, so I must have done something right that morning haha. We went to Dunkin Donuts, Melinda convinced us to try the apple spice donut. She got so excited about it. I think she actually stood up from her chair when she asked us if we liked it. That's one of the things I love about Melinda- she's always so excited and happy. We talked about the Christmas single (the picture for the cover was taken when it was hot outside so Melinda had to do some acting!), how the show went, how exciting it was for Melinda to meet everyone, etc. We talked about how funny/annoying it is when people are shocked she's still singing. I was just happy to see her again. I told her I was going to be seeing Cook. She said "hug him for me!" and Kelley said "see..I'd say kiss him on the lips for me!" HA! Melinda was like "Meggie. No kissing". Yes m'am.

Melinda has been in my life for the past 5 years (almost). That's so crazy for me to think about. She, and the backups, have basically seen me grow up. I think I'll always be seen as kind of the baby of the group. But I don't mind- I have a wonderful group of people who shape me and whom I can learn from. That is truly a gift.

So that's it for the Melinda side of things. (except you should read on because she gets mentioned again...dun dun dun) but in conclusion, She was freaking amazing. It was wonderful to see Maria and Des, thank you ladies for a great time!

After saying goodbye, I headed back downtown to check into the hotel where I was meeting my friends. Desi arrived first and we went to lunch in the lobby and watched True Life: Narcolepsy and laughed at other people's pain. Cuz that's how Desi and I roll. Then Sam and Brenna arrived and we got ready for some Cook/DeGraw. We had Cook meet and greets, so we got to the venue (which, by the way, was the same venue where Melinda was the night before) around 4. Got our passes and watched sound check...best part of sound check was Cook singing "Time Marches On", which is a very special song to Sam.

After sound check we waited in a different line for our meet and greet with Cook. I went first of our group. I said to Cook "Melinda Doolittle says hi, she was here last night". His face, you guys. His face LIT UP. It melted my heart a little. He got so excited! He was like "SHE WAS HERE? I MISSED HER? I'm gonna text that gir". He started to take out his phone and then said "well I guess I'll do it later" haha. But he was so excited that I mentioned her. Then I told him that I loved the song "We Believe" from his album and that it got me through some rough times. He was very sincere in thanking me for saying that. We took our picture and I hobbled on over to the side to wait for my friends to do their thing.

We grabbed some food before the show, then went back to the theatre and found our perfect second row seats. The opening act dude was pretty good. Then we were able to get after party meet and greets! I was SO EXCITED, because that included meeting GAVIN DEGRAW. My LOVE. More on that later, though.

So I've never really considered myself a huge Cook fan. I enjoy his music, especially his latest album (seriously, it's amazing), but he won me over last night. His voice is incredible live and he puts on a great show. He interacts with the audience (plaid shirt guy!, and he just sings his face off. I had so much fun during his set. My friends and I did interpretive dance. I got some of my favorite songs (We Believe, My Hero, Light On, Bar-Ba-Sol). He sang a lot more songs from his first album which I was kind of surprised about. Oh well. It was so much fun to just let go and live in the music. Monty, one of the band members, loved us. I mean, who wouldn't, really? I can imagine it was hilarious to watch us.

After Cook I had to mentally prepare myself for Gavin. I wasn't prepared. I almost needed cpr. That man is sexy, smooth, soulful, and one of my favorite artists ever. He is one of the best live singers, he puts on a show. He sang a lot from the new album, including my favorite "Soldier", and my life story "Run Every Time". He sang some old favorites too, like "Chariot", "I Don't Wanna Be" "In Love With A Girl". He also did a few covers, including "Breakeven", "Grenade", and "Let's Get It On". The only thing I was sad about was that he didn't sing anything from the forgotten 2009 EP he released. But, overall I was in a cloud of pure bliss. He is just amazing. Like, he jumped on a piano. I love that man. Marry me, Gavin. I could listen to him sing all day every day. Gavin is the male Kelly Clarkson for me.

So after the show I realized I was about to meet him. And I was running through my head every thing I wanted to tell Gavin. I was scared I wouldn't have time, or I'd say something dumb, or just not get across what I wanted to say. Well, when I get up there, this is what happened. (Please note that Cook was standing there too, it was a double meet and greet).

Me "I just want you to know....your music has been the one constant thing in my life since I was 16. When everything else fell apart, I had your music. Plus, this guy who knew I loved you used to sing your songs all the time. Then he broke my heart. So I couldn't listen to you anymore. But now I can".
Gavin "wow. Wow. what's your name"
me "megan"
Gavin "Megan. I'm gonna remember you. That was so sweet, thank you for that"
So I turned to Cook (who was wearing a Notre Dame hat) and I said "Love your hat. My mom is gonna be so happy. We're big Notre Dame fans in my house". And Cook was like "rock on". Then Cook was having a convo with this other dude on the crew and he said "I'm convinced you can get drunk off anything". My response was "yes, like rum and live music" and he died laughing. So I took my CookDegraw pic and then turned to them and said "thank you guys". Gavin looked at me and said "Megan, thank you so much". SWOON.

After all my friends did their meetin and greetin we headed back to our hotel for pizza, pjs, and sleep. Pretty sure Sam and I giggled for a long time but I can't remember why...I was so exhausted, haha.

So to sum everything up it was a perfect weekend. I had the time of my life (no pun intended) with some amazing people and idols. I am so overjoyed with emotions that I finally got to meet Gavin. My heart is full and happy :)

Some gifts, for people who want to hear a little bit of what I heard this weekend.

PS I wish I kept track of the amount of times we shouted "SUPER BASS" at Gavin and Cook. One of these days I will go to a concert where someone covers that song for me. Boom da boom boom.

sisterhood everlasting

2011-10-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

I've always had a love and passion for reading. I like to follow other peoples stories. I like to know that I'm not alone, so I always try to find something in characters that are a little like me.

When I was in high school, my friend Carlotta suggested I read the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" books. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I loved the way they were written, I loved how it defined true friendship. I loved how each of the four girls were facing their own unique challenges..and I loved that even though they were all so different, I saw a little of myself in each of them. Shy and cautious like Lena, easily hurt with a big heart like Carmen, sarcastic and misunderstood like Tibby, and curious and a little lost like Bridget. Over the past four years since the final book in the series was released, I've thought about these characters from time to time. Did Bridget ever find true happiness? Did Carmen make it big? Did Tibby get over her angsty phase? Did Lena and Kostos finally get together?

Ann Brashares, the genius behind the series, answered my questions when she released Sisterhood Everlasting. I have wanted to get my hands on it since I found out about it, I just "didn't have time". See, ever since I've gotten a job, I've pushed off reading. Even though it is one of my biggest joys in life, I just simply stopped. I've gone through countless books in the past seven months, but only read a chapter or two before my mind has jumped and gotten distracted. This past weekend, I sat down and read Sisterhood Everlasting...and it made me fall in love with reading again. I found myself immediately investigated in the characters, digging from my memory to link their stories from the original series. My heart went out with them as they face tragedy, love, heartbreak, "finding themselves", something I'm quite used to.

I started the book yesterday afternoon, and I finished it in less than 24 hours. Now I'm excited to start my next book, The First Husband.

There's a deeper meaning here than just reading, kids. When something brings you joy- when you fall in love with it- don't give up on it. Don't push it away. Because at the end of the day it's always going to be there for you.

Have a great week.

STRONGER

2011-10-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

I have to say, this is one of the hardest album reviews I've ever written. I love this album so much I want to tell every single person about it, but I don't know how to accurately describe how good it is, so I end up just saying things like "HER VOICE. THE WORDS. JOFJFOJJSAOFSAJ". Here is my not so awesome attempt at convincing you in buying this album.

Mr Know It All- Perfect choice for a first single. It really gives listeners a glimpse of what to expect on the album. It's sassy, catchy, up beat, gospel-y. It's empowering and refreshing, especially with some of the other crap on the radio these days. It's quite popular, too. I hear it at least twice a day on the radio. Also, can I just say that the video is really what made this song for me? I liked the song, but I wasn't in love with it until I saw the video. The concept is amazing. You tell em, Kel.

'Cause I'm living my truth without your lies

What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger). This weekend I am going to begin training for my next 1/2 marathon, and this song has already landed a spot on my "training playlist". It's a solid pop song, up there with "Since U Been Gone". It's an anthem, it's powerful. When I hear this song, I picture myself on a dance floor with all my best friends, shouting the words at the top of our lungs.

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not a broken hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking bout me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

Dark Side. Where do I begin? My favorite songs on past Kelly album's are always her more vulnerable and raw ones. This one is just that type. I love the way it starts off with the childlike whimsical sound. I also very much relate to this song. I have a "dark side", and that is severe anxiety. One of my biggest fears is that I'll never meet someone who loves me and my flaws. What I'm looking for is someone who can help remind me that anxiety is not my whole life, that life is bigger than that- and Kelly sings exactly that in this song. When I first heard this song it took a stab at my heart and sent chills down my spine. Kelly has once again proved how relatable of an artist she is. I love the raw emotion you can hear in her voice. Love this song, one of my favorites on the album, and holds a special place in my little dark sided heart. :)

It's hard to know
What you can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Honestly. The fact that this song follows Dark Side is genius. She opens with "could you love someone like that", after just singing about her dark side. You know, when I first listened to the album, this song didn't really speak to me, but now it's one of my favorites. Her voice is absolutely killer on this track and I am dying to hear it live. The line "beautiful lies" gets in my head at work, and makes me want to run and grab my ipod just to hear it. The soulful, gritty Kelly side really shows on this track. It's another sort of haunting, gut wrenching tune, and Kelly's voice just captures you. It's one of those songs where you're like "CHRIST! This is why the girl won Idol!". Hauntingly gorgeous. Especially towards the end, when she sounds on the verge of tears.

beautiful lies
Bringing out the green in your eyes
Perfect disguise for envy and pride

You Love Me may be the catchiest song on the album. It's the one I like to jam to in my car. Wouldn't be surprised if this is a single, I imagine it would do very well on pop radio. Very catchy, great lyrics...it's basically turning the heartbreak back on the jerk, saying "you know what? no. I AM good enough- it's you who is not good enough. I'm gonna sing my face off now". The rythmn is very clappy and catchy. OH! Also! The part where she sings "you can't handle this, you can't handle this" makes me really want a mashup where she then goes into "I don't think you're ready for this jelly" but that's just me.

You couldn't win so you turn it around..

Einstein. Ugh. There's usually one track on every Kelly album that I can't stand. Hi, here's Einstein. The unfortunate thing is that her voice actual sounds killer on this song..especially the last few seconds when the music cuts and its just her soulful voice. And I imagine that it's a fun performance piece at concerts. I just...no. This song probably belongs on a Selena Gomez album. If you're trying to prove that Kelly is a mature artist with solid pop songs, don't play this song. It contradicts that statement. I can think of about 10920192 "unreleased" Kelly songs that should replace this one.

You can stop wasting my time
Without you I'm just fine

Standing In Front Of You is the first ballad on the album, and a solid one at that! It's subtle, but strong, and very relatalbe. Everyone has wished that someone would just realize what they had standing right in front of them. The chorus is pretty cool, the way they stacked the harmonies. It gives it a more "feel good, fall in love" sound.

You can close your eyes, don't worry. I'll still be here in the morning

Forgive You kind of reminds me of the type of song Kelly's background singers/very talented musicians JillandKate would release, just a little more production value to it. I love JillandKate's music...so by the transitive property (hey look, I'm einstein too!) I love this song. The best part, vocally, is the bridge. It's your typical pop rock jam. It gets in your head. I know from experience.

I forgive you
We were just a couple of kids
Trying to figure out how to live doing it our way

Hello. This song is interesting. The handclaps in the background kind of MAKE IT. I can just imagine how fun this will be in concert. It's not one of my favorites, but it's catchy and relatable. And the way she sings the word "hello" is fantastic.

holding onto memories of when I didn't know. ignorance isn't good but it beats being alone

War Is Over. One of my favorites, for sure. Kelly puts her foot down and says she isn't going to put up with it anymore. You go girl! This is one of those songs where get stuck on what to say- it's just a solid song and fits with the theme of the album. Take a listen.

i used to let you paint ‘em pretty pictures
you got me caught up with your, you’re my girl forever
so i forgive you, it felt good when you hold me
yeah you owned me
now you wish you had really known me

Let Me Down. Another potential single, this is a mid tempo catchy song where Kelly shows her authority. It's a bit darker than other singles, maybe not as pop sounding, but it's still catchy and a solid song. The best part is most def when she lets it rip and sings out "cause I know by now" and then hands us the chorus again. Terrific.

I need you to be there when you say you're gonna be
I care too much and you'll care enough to me
I want some place to rest my head without worrying
It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair to me

You Can't Win is a very clever song that steps away from the heartbreak/falling in love theme with the rest of the album. It's a song for the underdogs, a theme similar to popular songs like "born this way", "firework" and "raise your glass". This one is dedicated to everyone who's a "walking disaster", and kelly sings off some of the stereotypes out there. It's a feel good song...and I can't wait to be singing along to it at her concert with all my fellow Kelly fans.

if you speak, you'll only piss em off. if you don't, you're another robot. if you stop, they'll just say you quit. if you don't, you might lose your shit.

Breaking Your Own Heart is a beautiful ballad that I can relate too. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one hurting myself, not other people...I don't give myself a chance sometimes and I let fear take hold. I also tend to push people away when they get too close. Kelly sings about that, in a tender, gentle, bit country-ish way.

it's not too late, I'm still right here, if only you'd let go of your fears

Don't You Wanna Stay. Speaking of country :) If you've turned your radio on in the past year than you are already familiar with this beautiful country duet with Jason Aldean. I mean, Jason and Kelly probably have the two sexiest voices in music. Put them together, and you have a Grammy deserving song. I'll admit I usually skip this song when I'm listening to the full album, but only because I've heard it about a zillion and one times on the radio and I've been craving new Kelly music for years. I can't say enough good things about this song. It's a love song that makes me want to fall in love.

we can make forever feel this way, don't you wanna stay

Alone a great pop rock track that could have replaced Einstein and all would be well with the world. Basically it's saying that Kelly feels nothing when she's with this guy, that she just feels alone with him, not the way it should feel but then! she turns it around...she found someone new, and guess what, he doesn't make her feel alone. SNAP. The way the chorus is song is pretty cool, and sassy.

you're gonna miss me, so get ready

Don't Be A Girl About It. I haven't quite decided how I feel about this song. It makes me laugh. It's sassy and catchy, especially the "oooooh's" in the chorus. The intro is very similar to the intro of "my life would suck without you" which I found interesting. But yes, a good car song, a good break up song, will be a good concert song if she puts it on her setlist.

I guess it's true that love can grow in different directions
I chose the high road and you chose to be a girl
I know you're mad at me now
And it's all my fault somehow
Here comes my favorite part
You're so misunderstood

The Sun Will Rise is a duet with Kara DioGuardi. Correction. It is a perfect, flawless duet with Kara DioGuardi. Kara is not one of my favorite people. However, one thing I admire about her is her work with helping people who are facing addiction and depression and pulling them through it with music. Guess what? I think this song will do that. We know Kelly can sing, but dang- Kara can SANG too! It's got a bit of a country feel, especially Kara's part, but it is one of the most beautiful songs on any Kelly album. The use of the gentle violin was a wise choice, along with the lyrics and harmonies. Thanks Kelly and Kara for giving me a song to get through my days. One of my favorite songs.

Sometimes you just need a little faith (All you need is a little faith)
There's an answer to your prayer
And I swear that there'll come a day yeahh
The sun will rise

Why Don't You Try. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason we fell in love with Kelly in the first place. This song is vocal powered, and for good reason. It's a little old school/gospel sounding with a whole lot of soul. You know what I want? I want Kelly to perform this song at an awards show, drop the mic and walk away. So she can prove that she is a legit artist with a flawless voice.

heavier hearts won't justify why I'm gone today

The best songs: Dark Side, Honestly, You Love Me, War Is Over, The Sun Will Rise, Why Don't You Try

stuck

2011-10-16T10:04:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been quite frustrated on the writing front because I have no inspiration. Zip. Very, very rarely anymore do I go through a day and have this "I HAVE to write about that moment". As someone who uses writing primarily as an outlet, it's a very draining problem to have. I'm not making much progress on the Laurence book either, mostly because every time I sit down to work on it I get frustrated and give up.

As you can probably tell, I'm cranky lately. Cranky and stressed. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm sitting in a Panera- my headphones are in and my music is pretty loud. Yet I can hear the small child a few tables away screaming. And I kind of want to throw a bagel at him.

But,enough of the crankiness. Honestly, despite my cranky mood and lack of inspiration, I do have three stories to share that shed some light on my week.

The first was that I realized I had something in common with one of our patients. That doesn't happen often, seeing as they are in their 90's-100's. But, I was visiting a patient with one of my volunteers, and noted what beautiful eyes the patient had. They were huge, blue, bright. A few days later, at one of our meetings, I mentioned to a nurse how huge the patient's eyes were. Her response? "I hope you didn't say anything to her. She hates that. She always tells me 'Don't say anything about my eyes'"

Gulp.

That was (and sometimes still is) me. My eyes are very often the first thing a person notices about me, and I hear it often...especially when I was a kid. I didn't want to go to preschool because I was afraid someone was going to say something about my eyes. I hated the attention...and I still get a little shy when someone mentions it now. That little insecurity that I share with that patient made me kind of come back down to earth and realize I do have something in common with the patients, and that I can, in a very small way, understand them.

The second story has to do with a volunteer/co worker interaction. I had just been telling someone that I was worried I was so busy and stressed about my job that I would stop enjoying it and just be going through the motions. Well, without giving away too many details, I will say that one of my co workers made me remember why I love this job. She was very appreciate of one of my volunteers and went out of her way to show the appreciation. the volunteer was touched, and it added fuel to her energy, so that she can keep going and be the best hospice volunteer she can be :) I'm so happy to know that we can still be open in our gratitude towards others.

The final was yet another work related story. We were at a facility wrapping up an event when one of our aides walked in. She was apologizing for missing the event, and my coworker Sarah and I were telling her not to worry about it. Sarah wrapped up the conversation by saying "Just have a good day!" and the aide's response was "You know, I generally do have good days". We all were just kind of awed by that. It was a relief to see someone with such a positive attitude, a genuine positive attitude. Her response keeps ringing through my head, and it's kind of become my new motivation.

I suppose a word that describes how I'm feeling is stuck. I've got this job and making my own money for the first time, yet I can't move out of my parents house yet because I haven't saved enough. I have great ideas for Laurence's book, but I can't find the motivation or inspiration to actually sit down and write it. I want to go to grad school, or at least start taking classes, but I don't know what I want to be.

I guess I just do what I can. I work towards my goals, slowly but surely I will get there. I just don't want to do it alone anymore.

My Goals
-Move out by April/May
-Detroit Free Press 1/2 Marathon October 2012
-Be taking night classes by fall 2012
-Do a little writing, even just an hour every Saturday, for the book.
-Nashville by 2016.

life update

2011-10-03T15:21:00.001-07:00

I feel like I just did one of these life update posts, but I feel like it's the only way to clump everything I want to say together. So, enjoy.

What's Going On...In Life..

I guess the biggest thing is that I am now the volunteer coordinator for both offices....my workload has now increased by two so there will be a lot of late nights and Saturday work days until I can get things under control. I think I'll enjoy it once I have it all under my belt, there's just a lot of things that need to be figured out on my end. It took me a good 2-3 months to get everything down when I originally took the job, and now I'm kind of doing it all over again...but need to get it organized in a shorter amount of time. The plus sides are that I feel good about where things are in my original office, I have a ton of support, and I do ENJOY my job. Just...October is going to be a little insane, is all. And by a little I mean a lot.

I took a spiritual gifts workshop. I had heard about them before, and wanted to do it, just never had the time. I learned a lot in those few Thursday night classes. Mainly that my gift is encouragement. It wasn't a huge surprise, but it is very humbling to see what God is doing in my life and how I am able to use that gift on a day to day basis.

I'm still dieting and working on weight issues, although the past week really screwed me over. But this is a new week, and I will continue working hard. I'm house/dog sitting and probably can't get out to go to my classes at the Y, but I'll be doing some walking.

I've been to two weddings over the past three weeks. They were both incredibly special for two reasons. Dave and Katie's was more emotional than anything. I spent an entire year with those two and watched them turn from strangers, to friends, to best friends, to a couple, to a married couple. I was honored to be in attendance, those two, and Nate, are more like family than anything to me and I want nothing but happiness and love for them. It was also a really great way to spend some time with Dean, Jason, and Meghan. As I said to my parents, those friends are people who know me in a way that no one else does. They were there with me through the greatest experience of my life of Mercy Volunteer Corps. Sure they didn't know everything about hs or my college experience, but they knew me inside and out as a person. I had a great, beautiful time.

Anne and Jesse's wedding was also incredibly special. Not only was it one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever attended, it was so great to see the support they had from family and friends. They've been dating since they were 16- with some breaks- but still. Back then they were just kids, yet they have stuck by each other and loved each other every moment. And then there they were, getting married. Some of my most favorite people in the entire world were in that room of the reception. Every time a song played that was a "high school" song for us, we all just kind of looked at each other, laughed, and danced it all away. I'm lucky to know Anne and Jesse, and those friends. As I said to Anne when I hugged her goodbye "thank God for algebra class". That's when Anne and I became friends, and she has always been like a little sister to me, despite time and distance between us.

Both of those weddings made me want to get married. Okay, maybe not married, but it made me sick of being single. And it made me think about who would be in my bridal party.

What I'm Looking Forward To
CLEVELAND WEEKEND IN NOVEMBER. I'm going to Cleveland November 4th-6th and it's going to be the best weekend ever. I get to see some of my most favorite people and hear good live music.

Thanksgiving. JP and Sara are coming back for it and we have fun outfits planned. Muahaha.

What I'm Reading
I don't have time to read anymore. I know, sad. I suppose I could read instead of watch my fall tv shows, but nah. I want to read the new Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book- BADLY.

What I'm Watching
Monday- The Sing Off
Tuesday- Glee, The New Girl
Wednesday- Modern Family
Thursday- Greys

I slip in X Factor sometimes.

What I'm listening to
Lady Antebellum, Gavin Degraw, and NeedtoBreathe are the three albums I'm currently obsessed with.

So to sum it all up- I want to get married, I don't read, and I'm overwhelmed by my workload. HAPPY OCTOBER!

Lady Antebellum, Gavin DeGraw

2011-09-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

Lady Antebellum- Own The Night

"Own the Night" is the third studio album by Lady Antebellum and picks up right where they left off with last year's "Need You Now." The album is mature, rich, and shows just how well grounded the group has remained. They stick to their roots without copying sound from their first two albums. Lyrically, probably their best album.

1. Own The Night. On first listen, this is my favorite track off the album. It immediately sets the tone for the rest of the album. It's very uptempo and has a solid rhythm to it, not to mention Charles rich vocals. A fun song that leaves the listener wanting to hear more. When the summer rolls around/And the sun starts sinking down/I still remember you/Oh, I remember you/And I wonder where you are

2. Just A Kiss. The first single off the album, and, to be honest, not one of my top songs from the group. I like the cutesy little love story it presents, but I find the song boring....but the chemistry between Hilary and Charles is very well defined in the vocal harmonies of this song. Just a shot in the dark that you just might
be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

3. "Dance Away With My Heart" is a perfect representation of Lady A- gorgeous harmonies. I love the reflection in the lyrics here. I think we all had that love at 18, whether we realized it then or not. Hillary shines in this song. I haven't seen you in ages/sometimes I find myself wondering where you might be/to me you'll always be 18 and beautiful/dancing away with my heart

4. Friday Night" Not to be confused with the over produced, horribly awful pop song from Katy Perry, this one is a country rock treat. I can just picture Lady A performing this live and their fans jumping around and screaming the words right back to them. It's fun, uptempo song with a cute concept lyrically. This one will do well on country radio, for sure. I wanna be your get away
At the end of every day. That window's rolled down kinda song you love to play

5. "When You Were Mine". Still haven't decided how I feel about this song. I like the varied rhythmic melodies between verses and chorus, I like that Hillary is showcased vocally. But it doesn't grab me emotionally like so many of their other songs do. My favorite part is for sure the hook. I love the emphasis on the word "better". What if this was it baby, What if this was our time, Maybe we're all past saving, I'm gonna give you one try, You better think twice, Before you leave her behind.

6. Cold As Stone. Aah, here is that emotion I was just talking about. This song is a little haunting-not quite in the Need you Now way, but well on it's way. If the perfect harmonies and pitch didn't do it for you, maybe the use of instrumental will, especially at the end of the song. The haunting music says it all. Beautiful tune. I wish I was cold as stone, Then I wouldn't feel a thing. I wish I didn't have this heart, Then I wouldn't know the sting of the rain. I could stand on my own. Letting your memory fade. I wouldn't hurt like this, Or feel so all alone. I wish I was cold as stone

7. Singing Me Home. That gritty little country diddy that had to make the album cut. I like the use of light percussion in this one, and, of course, the perfect harmonies. Lyrically it talks a bout a simple kind of love. I can just hear this song being played at summer bbq's. Lovely little song. My favorite part is the declaration of the word "love" in the hook.

8. Wanted You More. A song I think we can all relate too. Kind of puts a dagger in my heart because I know exactly what they are singing about here. The worst heartbreak- loving someone, thinking they love you, and realizing they never did. So far this is my 2nd favorite track. Love the haunting heartbreak of emotion. Hillary steals the show for this one. I absolutely LOVE the line where they just pour out "Oh I don't need you anymore" because I like to think it's an ode to their biggest hit, "Need You Now" and the connection makes my heart melt and break at the same time. If I ever get the chance to meet them I'm going to ask if that was done on purpose. In my head they did. And again, the instruments have the same tug at the heartstrings feel that "hello world" did. Beautiful song. Genius song.

9. As You Turn Away is another heartbreaker, this time piano driven with Hillary's flawless vocals. This one is really high up on my list, too. I've listened to it several times to catch all the lyrics and the twists in the instruments (the use of strings is also a smart choice). No we can't be friends/Cause I don't think I could take seeing you/And knowing where we've been/I hope you understand

10. Love I've Found In You the album picks back up in tempo with this one. I like the song, but I don't need it. Again, the harmonies are lovely. But it's nothing too outstanding. It doesn't stand out as a hit. Well I wonder where I'd be if the Lord hadn't heard my prayer/The one I said every night 'til the day that you got here/You showed me how to live and love forever
11. Somewhere Love Remains- Something about this song is really special, but I haven't quite figured out what it is yet. It's kind of that last ditch attempt before a break up, that there's something still there they can't let go. It's very romantic, and Charles vocals swoon you. It has the potential to do really well on the radio. I like the hint of hope in the very last few phrases. Love takes time to build its defenses\And trust takes time to tear down those fences
And what remains is stronger than ever before\So don’t walk out that door
I don’t wanna hurt anymore\>

12. Heart Of The World is the one song where I had to stop what I was doing to listen. It's a gift, it's rich. It's bold, strong, and lyrically their best. A gut wrenching tune, for sure. This song contains what are maybe my favorite Lady A lyrics ever: Oh, and hope is soul of the dreamer\And heaven is the home of my God
It only takes one true believer\To believe you can still beat the odds. Gah.

Overall, it's a wonderfully written, beautifully performed album that you need in your collection.

Gavin DeGraw- Sweeter

Ladies and Gents, Gavin DeGraw is BACK- and maybe better than ever? The dude knows his stuff, and knows his strength. His voice is gruffer and stronger than ever, lyrics as catchy and well written.

1. Sweeter. the title track delivers a fun, intense feel. A little snarky. Great opener to the album. I don't know that it's a hit, but I think it will be a favorite amongst Gavin fans, especially at live shows. I can just hear the girls screaming at the sexy little hook he has going on. You're like an angel\Got me feeling like a devil\I wanna give you something\If you promise that you won't tell
Woo hoo

2. Not Over You. I'll admit, when this song was first released, I was nervous. I'm a huge Gavin fan and I was sad that his last album didn't take off like it should have. So I was a little worried that it would be a similar scenario. I was pleasantly surprised. It's catchy and very radio friendly. Pop driven, and I prefer a soulful Gavin, but I'll take it. I like the choppy sound. If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm - not over you

3. Run Every Time. I can relate to the lyrics in this one, which immediately makes it one of my favorites. And I love the soul and grit in his voice. And you can hear the emotion in his voice, which I'm a sucker for :) Once again, Gavin steals it with the hook. (He's good at that) And I hope she sees
It’s not her, it’s just me
And I’m so sorry
To be this close
And let it slip away
I keep stumbling till I finally miss the last train

4. Soldier. Aah, the Gavin I know and love. soulful, anthemy. His voice just kills me in this tune and reminds me why I fell in love with his music in the first place- real, raw, genuine music. Easily one of the better songs on the album. He sums it all up with the line "When you get worried I'll be your soldier."

5. Candy. And this is the moment I knew the album was solid, all around. 5th song in a row that I adore? Yes please! The use of the instruments and talking at the end of the song is pretty brilliant, and his vocals are flawless. "I know you've learned use your fairy tales to get you through the hurt."

6. You Know Where I'm At- If you can get past the poor grammar, this is another solid tune that makes the listener feel safe. A raw, genuine ballad from Gavin, my favorite type of track from him. It's a very honest and believable song. Oh, it's better up ahead\The worst is over now\Remember what I said\Live, you don't have to look back\But if you ever do,\You know where I'm at

7. Stealing- One of the best songs from the album. Very soulful, a little old school. Memorable and distinctive. Has that Gavin sound without sounding too boring. Very relatable lyrics. It's a cute way of saying "hey, we need to end this thing". So I want my heart back\If you’re not gonna keep it\If you’ve got no uses\Then I’m gonna need it\And someone else\Is gonna need it too

8. Radiation- Another fun concert song. Very sexy and sassy. That Gavin gritty voice is quite evident. Very uptempo with a fun drum beat, and some sneaky little background clapping. funky, edgy. He tells it like it is. I'm quite excited to yell these words back to him on stage. If you miss me don’t
If I never wanna see you again
I won’t
If you get an invitation
I’m probably drunk

9. Where You Are- Turning back to the sensitive song of Gavin. A lovely little love song, a realistic love song that that. The chorus is really heartwarming. I could totally see this being a single...or at least play in a movie :) And that I wanna be where you are
I feel the same as I did from the start
Whoa, I wanna be where you are
And I’m willing to get there

10. Spell It Out- if "plays" on itunes factors into which track is my favorite, then I guess this is my favorite! I like it because it's stripped down, which is my favorite side of Gavin (his chariot stripped album is in my car cd player all the time). It reminds me of another song of his although I can't remember which one at the moment. His vocals are not perfect in this song, but I think that's maybe why I like it so much. It's real. Come on, we can leave the world behind
Close the curtains, shut out the light
Just state the good
Don't let me go
Don't tell me I should
Wake up
Step out

I wanted to do a review of NeedToBreathe, but I'm still listening to it and soaking it in. It's....beyond words.

ten years

2011-09-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago, I was 14 years old. A freshman in high school. I was at that selfish age. That age where you think nothing bad can happen to you. When you haven't quite realized how big the world is.

I was in my health class when our principal went over the PA system to tell us that two planes had crashed into the World Trade Centers, and that they believed it was a terrorist attack. To be quite honest, I don't think I knew what it meant. I knew it was bad. I knew it was tragic. But I didn't quite understand the "terrorist attack". I had no idea that people could hate us so much that they plan to kill thousands, millions, of us. I remember the feeling of school that day-sadness. Everyone was walking around, kind of numb, in shock, not quite sure what to say.

When I think of 9/11, there are a few things that run through my mind. The first- the people on the planes. How terrified they must have been feeling, the complete lack of control they had. The second? The families. The panic that must have run through their minds as they found out the news, wondering if their loved on was at work that day, or in that plane. I do not know what they felt that day, what they continue to feel day in and day out. But my thoughts and prayers go out to them. That they may find hope, peace. That they are able to continue pushing on.

Then, as insensitive as this might read on first glance, I think of comfort. How we, as a nation, for that day , for weeks months and, yes, ten years later, reached out to comfort one another. We were all attacked, all put at risk. I remember, at my school, we had a prayer service maybe a week or so after the attack. Our peers, classmates, and friends stood in front of us, telling us how 9/11 impacted their lives. We had a couple girls who were Muslim, they stood there and told us how terrified they were of being judged or stereotyped, because of their religion and because they chose to wear a hijab on their heads every single day. That prayer service brought us together as a school, and for the first time in my life, I began to realize how big the world was, how one tragedy impacted the entire nation.

My heart goes out today. It goes out to the families who lost someone that crisp, September day. My heart goes out to every single person who tried to help- who continue to help. From the firefighters and government to the NYC residents who ran to get people out of the burning building. You are all heroes in my eyes. My heart goes out to the service men and women who fight, every single day, to keep us safe.

Let's spread more love. Lord knows this world needs it. Find your cause.

songs of summer

2011-09-08T18:54:00.001-07:00

Today on my drive into work I heard that Katy Perry's obnoxiously awful song "Last Friday Night" was dubbed the song of the summer. Now I love me a good/horribly bad pop song, but I have to disagree. Here were my favorite songs of the summer.

David Guetta- Where Dem Girlz At

One Republic- Good Life

Jason Aldean- Dirt Road Anthem

LMFAO- Party Rock Anthem

Neon Trees- Animal

Lady Gaga- Edge of Glory

Beyonce- Best Thing I Never Had

Lady Gaga- You and I

Eminem/Bruno Mars- Lighters

Adele- Rolling in the Deep

Nicki Minaj- Super Bass

What was your favorite summer tune?

stronger

2011-09-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest, August hasn't been that great to me. I've been handed a number of disapointments. In life, work, friendships, etc. And while it dragged me down, beat me up, today I woke up with a whole new attitude. Life is full of disapointments. We can let them consumer our life and tear us down, or we can weep for a moment or two, and move on. Life is far too short to be getting all worked up over things we cannnot control. So, this blog is about how I've been dealing with disapointment.

First I pout, and feel sorry for myself. I say things like "why does this have to happen to me?" "Ugh, my life sucks". Last night I spent an hour or two in my room listening to the saddest Adele songs I could find. When in reality, I have a pretty awesome life and should be grateful for what I do have. I'm alive, aren't I? I have a job. I have people I can rely on.

Then I get angry. At myself, usually. I' m really hard on myself. I go over and over what I may have done wrong. I also get angry at the person, people, or situation.

Then I do something for myself to let it all out. Listen to music, write (when I'm really upset I pound on the keyboard- tha'ts fun), go for a walk, work out, etc. I find something, anything to do that will distract me and give me something to put my mind on.

I pray about it. I ask God to give me strength, peace, and courage to get over these challenges. I ask God to help me forgive.

That's how I deal with disapointment. I eventually let it go. Sometimes it takes a day, sometimes a week, once it took me a whole year and a 1/2 to get over a REALLY hurtful situation. But the main thing I remember is- life goes on. There are bumps in the road.

Today God woke me up happy. He gave me this whole new outlook on things. He made me stronger. I've realized that life happens, life brings you disapointments, but life is not ABOUT disapointments. It's about learning how to get over them, how to make the conscious decision to be happy and positive and to be the best person you can be.

Also, not to brag, but I need to let this out- when I first started here in April, I had 3 active volunteers. As of today, I have 18. With six potential volunteers in the gates, ready to set up training dates. I'm pretty ecstatic about this, and very proud of myself.

I love you all and hope you have a happy September. I know I will.

Jack and White "Gemini" Ep

2011-08-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

Season 7 American Idol finalist Brooke White has teamed up with talented singer/songwriter Jack Martranga for her latest project. A wise choice, and a beautiful collaboration that turned into the duo now known as "Jack and White".

I've always been a big fan of Brooke and have been anxiously waiting for new music from her since her 2008 album "high hopes and heartbreak" This ep does not dissapoint. Brooke fans, and music fans in general, will dig this ep. It's some of the best music I've heard in a long time. The first word that comes to my mind when I think of this ep? Smoky. What does that mean? I don't really know. A combination of soulful, sweet, rich, and filling.

The title track, Gemini, was bouncing around the internet for a while before released. I have to say, I wasn't a fan of it when I first heard it. I got bored while listening...but it sounds much better now. I like the use of instruments here. It actually caught my attention right away because I feel the same way as Brooke when she sings "been walking a fine line between darkness and sunshine....im fixed but I'm broken, guarded but open". Ah Brooke! You get me. Thank you for this song.

Double Trouble is a fun song. Great sound and harmonies (And by harmonies I mean Brooke singing over Brooke-makes a really interesting sound). I can totally picture a crowded room clapping along to the beat of this song. "Love to stay, tons of fun, thanks for nothing, gotta run".

Inside Outside. There's so many great things about this song. Instrumentally perfect. The lyrics are incredible, Brooke really pours her whole heart out here. Also, I know Brooke is a big fan of the Kings of Leon song "Use Somebody", and I like to think that the oooooh's in Inside Outside match the OOOOOh's in Use Somebody. :) "I'm scared of heights but I'm not afraid to fly."

Telephone Games is one of those songs all of us can relate too. A girl in love, but the guy is just stringing her along. Another amazing song lyric wise. Every line is like a little gift for my ears. Brooke's voice is flawless, especially in this song. "are you loving someone new? has a change of heart changed you? maybe I'm going insane...but when the summer turns to fall, I won't be waiting for your call".

Smoke and Mirrors is different than the other songs, in a good way. The beats make it a jammin song. I instantly go into rockstar mode when I hear this song. Love the sass in the lyrics and vocals, even in the instruments- especially love when Brooke sings the line "guess what, I know all your secrets". I think this is my favorite song. I've listened to it 17 times already, in 24 hours.

Feathers reminds me why I liked Brooke in the first place- sweet, simple, but passionate and soulful. The chorus sums up Brooke's love for music "writing a song, make it up as we go along do do do do do, free as the birds as they hum along do do do do do". It's so...Brooke White. And I love that. I love that she is true to herself while growing as an artist.

Brooke has truly outdone herself. I was hesitant to purchase this EP, and then I listened to it for three hours straight. I was thinking about it all day today at work, how I wanted to go home and listen again. Because every time I do I discover something new that I love- and I think that is one of the best gifts and artist can give listeners. So thank you, Jack and White. Keep making music. Smoky music :)

PS- Last night I tweeted about Brooke's ep, and she reponded to me with this "well hey Megan, nice to see your face! So glad that you are diggin' the record!". Brooke has never tweeted me before. HOW DID SHE KNOW WHO I WAS? This seriously boggles my mind. Does she really remember me from 2008? Is that possible? Or did she look at my profile on twitter and put it together from there? I am intrigued by this.

song writing contest

2011-08-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna do a real blog soon, but in the mean time, I need your thoughts.

I'm entering a song writing contest. I never do, and I don't expect anything, but one of my goals is to get my writing "out there". I've picked a few things that I like the best. The contest is for country music, so that led to my decision. I'm copying/pasting the lyrics here. Pick your favorite. Thanks.

"You And Your Guitar"
Written May 2009

They say nothing’s impossible
Well babe, I’m starting to think
That getting to you is the exception

For you I’m just another girl
Who fell in love with you and your guitar
I’ll never be the one you want so I’ll keep trying to quit you
How can I quit when you keep coming around again?
You with your guitar…

You know I’ll always be here
So you can get away with forgetting me for a while
I really shouldn’t care this much
But every time I see you and your guitar, my heart goes into overdrive
The distance between us is too much to take
You’re living the life you’ve always dreamed of, the life I’ll never be a part of
I can’t blame you, but I wish that I could make you see

I’m not just another girl
I’m the one with everything you need
You know part of this is on you
You spoke those words and made me fall in love
with you and your guitar

I want to believe you’re worth all of this,
That the dream of you and I is not too far off
I’m afraid I’ll never know that truth
Because for you I’m just another girl
Who fell in love with you and your guitar.

"silently suffering"
written feb 2010
I’ve been through enough heartbreak
To think that love is just a lie
But then you came along with your guitar
Somehow you tricked me into believing
you were different from the rest

It could have been the looks you gave me
Or the simple way you changed my life
Truth’s out and here’s a surprise…
it was never me
I was just the one you could

string along, string along
then just let me fall
You led me on and then let me sit here
silently suffering

I can’t get those words out of my head
The words that broke my heart
The ones that told me about her
When All along **whisper 6 months** I thought it was me
But I was just there for you to

Here I am, watching her hold you
We both know that should be me
But clearly my feelings have no say in the matter
Because she’s there with you,
I’m just the one that you were happy to

string along, string along
then just let me fall
You led me on and then let me sit here
silently suffering

forget anything I’ve said to you
about you giving me hope and life
you can’t be my heroic love if you’ve left me
silently suffering

"it could be me"
written october 2010
You flash that bright, sweet smile
Trick them to believe you’re doing fine
But we both know there’s more to you
Than what you’re willing to show the world
let somebody see what’s behind that wall
oh please let that somebody be me
This may seem like a desperate call for your attention
But I’ve been silent for much too long now
And I think it’s time you knew
I could be the one for you
Chorus: Oh I pinky promise I really do care
I’m not like the rest, how can I make you believe
Your secrets are safe with me
I want to know every word to your story
What breaks your heart, who was your first love
Tell me your dreams, what moves your heart
Whenever I see you I can’t help but wish
For more time to be with you, let you break down right infront of me
I smile to myself as you walk past
Hold back from following you and taking your hand
Stop myself from screaming that I love you
And I, I must confesss, I wonder about you all the time
I can sense the trouble in your bright green eyes
Together we will be just fine
Chorus: Oh I pinky promise I really do care
I’m not like the rest, how can I make you believe
Your secrets are safe with me
I want to know every word to your story
What breaks your heart, who was your first love
Tell me your dreams, what moves your heart
I can’t take you away from your own little world
Just believe that I’ll be here waiting
When you’re ready to let someone in
Oh please let that someone be me

"never alone"
dec 2010
As the tears crash down from your tired eyes
And fall like weights into your hands
Take a deep breath, look to the sky
Find peace knowing your fears
Won’t last forever
Someone is coming to save you
You are never alone

Your story is not over yet
Keep writing with the words inside your heart
Don’t let anyone take that away

You say you need a rescue
Look inside your self
Find that strength deep inside
Force fear to escape your mind

Say a prayer, sing outloud, write it all out
Whatever brings you peace
We’re waiting for you to shine
Because you are never alone

"wait, I think"
jan 2011
I think I like you
Starting to think I’d like to keep you around
Wait, that’s a lie, who am I kidding
Let’s not get too attached
We both know I have issues letting go
If you don’t mind I want to just have this moment
I know this sounds crazy, we’ve only just met
But there’s something about you
That’s got me hooked
You really get me
And I’d really like to get to you
You must be a miracle worker
Cuz With you I’m myself
That doesn’t happen very often
You won me over when we were driving
You knew my favorite song
And that I don’t like my music too loud
But wait, stop the music
Let’s not get too attached
We both know I have issues letting go
If you don’t mind I want to just have this moment
And we can go back to just friends
Wait, that’s a lie, who am I kidding
I think I like you
I know I’d like to keep you around.

"stuck"
june 2011
My friends are waiting
Not so patiently
For me to get over you
They don’t know me very well
Because I’m never going to
Give up all of this
It’s not that I haven’t tried
I make a wish that you’ll disappear
So I can stop chasing you
But as long as you stick around
Honey I’m stuck on you
Call me crazy and desperate
But I’ll take those over lonely
And dear when you’re around
The lonely goes away
My friends, they wonder what I see in you
It’s your sweet soul that
Has had me captured since that very first day
It’s the hope you gave me
To sum it all up, you’re perfect
So to my so call friends
I know this is hard for you
You call me crazy and desperate
But I’d take those over lonely
And dears, when he’s around,
The lonely goes away
So let me love him
As long as he’s around
I’m so stuck on him

late night sadness
july 2011
I should be sleeping but I’m too busy
Listening to sad songs
And wondering where you are tonight
And if you ever found yourself
Like you always said you needed to do
Love can be so close to hate
And can empty you out
Now we barely even speak
And I miss you more than you know
Keeping our lives so
Loosely braided together
It just isn’t enough for me
I’m wondering what if
I hadn’t left that night
I shouldn’t have been so careful
Should have just taken that risk
But I held back instead of holding you
And I see now it was love, at least for me
But love can be so close to hate
And can empty you out
Now we barely even speak
And I miss you more than you know
I shouldv’e told you how I felt
Should’ve kissed you on that mountain
Should’ve done anything to keep you close
And wherever you are tonight
I hope life’s been good to you
Goodnight, my long lost love.

I need need need everyone's input! thank you! xoxo

class of 2012

2011-08-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

First of all- hi. I'm alive. August has been a pretty insane month.

So, one of my students messaged me on facebook and asked if I had any advice for her senior year of high school. That got me thinking, and voila- a blog.

Side note- I cannot believe my babies are going to be seniors. We're really about to send them off into the world? Anyways...

How To Have A Rockin Senior Year, By Miss Kurolin

Don't Slack Off.
Believe it or not, colleges WILL look at your senior year. If they saw a big dip in your grades, probably not a good sign. Plus, it makes it 10x harder to get into gear when you start your college classes if you spent a whole year slacking off.

Find A Part Time Job
ONLY if you can manage it with keeping up good grades. You guys already work as part of the school program, but finding a part time job outside of that will help you gain even more experience- plus it will help you save money for college expenses.

Mentor A Younger Student
Find a younger student who reminds you of yourself and be a role model for them. Help them in their classes, help them make smart choices.

Keep College Options Open
There are several factors that go into choosing a college. Money, distance, and programs being the most popular. Keep your options open. Don't just apply to one school, have several backups. Visit schools of interest to get a feel for the campus and what they offer. Make realistic goals. Not ready for a university? Go to community college. Keep pushing, working harder and harder for your goals.

Say Thank You
You may not realize it at this moment, but your teachers, employers, and classmates have had an influence on you. Thank them for it. Thank the janitors who clean up after you every day. THANK THE PEOPLE WHO SERVED YOU LUNCH EVERY DAY (COUGH COUGH HING HINT). :) Seriously, though. Make sure they know you appreciate them. Write them letters, verbalize it, give hugs. They'll love it, and remember it.

Volunteer
Volunteering helps you network and meet people, and helps you to find your passion. Tutor other students, clean up the city- do something to help out.

Decrease Drama
Your senior year is not a time to be fighting with your classmates. Be kind and generous, calm and patient. Remember everyone is under stress, and transition can change people. Stay true to yourself. Don't worry about others behavior. Worry about your future.

Have Fun
Not too much fun :) Make the right choices, but build memories. Take pictures. Write things down. Enjoy.

Participate in School Events
You only have a short time left. Make the most of it! Make a name for yourself- a positive one. Don't be known as the kid who was always in trouble. Be known as the sweetheart, or the one who was always helping others, or the amazing writer/artist/singer. Take your talent and make it known. Use it to do good.

I'm very proud to know all of you and I'm extremely excited for you as you begin your senior year. I know you are all capable of succeeding. I just hope you realize that, and do something about it- it's in your hands. You have control over your life. If you need advice, you know I'm always here for you. Hope to see you all soon. Be nice to the new mercy volunteers. :-)

look at me now

2011-08-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

I thought it was about time to do one of my "life update" posts. These ones are more for me than anyone else, but if you are intrigued by my life, then I hope you enjoy :)

First of all, I'm another year older. As most of you know, I was quite excited to not be 23 anymore. I had a rough year. I was grieving the loss of an entire year with MVC-I lost an amazing job with great kids, I lost my friends...it all happened fast and I did not adapt well. I struggled to find a job, had a really horrible part time job experience, etc. I'm glad that's over. Here's to a new year, and here's to my wonderful family, friends, and co workers who made by birthday special.

What I'm Up To: A lot. :)

Work. July was kind of a quiet month. August will be rather busy. I have at least three new volunteers starting, hopefully two more. That takes a lot- training, introducing to patients, managing their files, etc. Also have a few senior health fairs planned and perhaps a volunteer coordinator weekend retreat. A lot going on!

Becoming a Mercy Associate. No, that's a not a nun. An associate is " women and men who hear and respond to a call from God, an invitation to Gospel holiness lived through sharing in the mission of Mercy". I made the decision to become an associate based on my desire to take a closer, more serious walk with the Sisters of Mercy. I absolutely adore their mission and support each of their programs. Becoming an associate will just take me a step deeper into that Circle of Mercy. I'm very excited about this process and have a meeting this Saturday to discuss the next steps.

Helping to strengthen St. Hugo's Youth Group. The youth group at my church is not as active as some of us would like. I am teaming up with our pastor and two other young adults- one the campus minister at Marian, the other UofD. We've had one meeting so far and another tomorrow evening. I'm excited about our ideas, and excited to be working with youth again and doing something I'm passionate about, which is helping kids find their purpose.

Writing a book. The book on Laurence is a huge task. I've only been able to do a handful of interviews, due to timing. I think I'll be able to get more done once summer is over and people have gone back to regular schedules that don't include vacations and summer camps. I write when I can, and expect it to take about a year or so before I can say I'm finished. But, I am very happy with the interviews I've had so far. People have been very open and honest with me, eager to help and share their story of Laurence. I'm really excited for my next interview, which is with a little girl who continues to live Laurence's mission in big ways.

Dieting. I haven't been so good about journaling my food, but the difference I see in my energy level and choices is incredible. I'm full quicker, I can talk myself out of fast food cravings, I just feel better overall. I know this is going to take a long time, but I'm happy, and very proud of myself.

What I'm Looking Forward Too:
Idol Concert. Can't believe it's Sunday. I don't feel prepared. I'm only going to one show this year with no "ins" this time, so I have no idea if I'll be going to an after party. I'm just excited because I hear it's a great show, one of the best Idol concerts ever because of the performers and music. I don't even have my tickets yet. Hoping they release awesome seats right before the show :) I know no matter what happens Sam and I are going to have a wonderful time. No drama, no high hopes, just fun.

Visit to Gem/Melinda concert. It has been a little over TWO years since I've been able to hear Melinda sing live. That's just not right! On August 19th I'll leave work and head to Gem's house, Saturday morning she and I will drive to Lexington. We'll meet up with Maria and Des and then go to the show. Cannot wait to hear Melinda sing again and to spend a weekend with my backups!

Dave and Katie's wedding! Two of my lovely community members/friends for life are getting married in September. I'm super excited to be there and to see them, as well as spend the weekend with my two friends Jason and Meghan. I've never been to Orlando and can't think of a better reason to go than to celebrate the love of two wonderful people.

What I'm Reading:
Skipping A Beat by Sarah Pekkanen. It's really good- great story, interesting, creative. I should be finished with it by the end of the week and then I'll start These Things Hidden by Heather Gudenkauf.

What I'm Watching:I don't watch much TV in the summer, but I especially don't watch TV in the summer when I'm working and getting involved in other projects. My guilty pleasures include the Glee Project (#teamsamuel) and the Challenge Rivals...other than that, not watching a lot of TV.

What I'm Listening Too:
A list of my current favorite tunes....

-Valerie, Amy Winehouse
-Skyscraper, Demi Lovato
-Lonely, Christina Perri
-Remind Me, Brad Paisley/Carrie Underwood
-Party Rock Anthem, LMFAO
-If I Die Young, The Band Perry
-Best Thing I Never Had, Beyonce
-Look At Me Now, Chris Brown ft Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes

What's new with you? :-)

addiction

2011-07-24T20:27:00.001-07:00

Most of us cannot even imagine the life of a musician. Day in and day out, they are writing, recording, touring, planning, creating, meeting and greeting, etc. I know they asked for that life, but that doesn't mean the pressure can't get to them. They feel pressure from their fans to be this perfect person the fans have in their mind, pressure from their managers/producers to create something amazing that will sell, pressure from other artists they are competing against. At some point, they aren't even living for themselves.

Mix that in with addiction, and you have a full on disaster. Addiction is scary, tragic disease. It is not a choice. The decision to try drugs, have a few drinks? that's choice. But when you can no longer function as a human being without substances, you aren't you anymore. The drugs and alcohol have taken over the body and the mind. You feel trapped, you hate yourself. And you see no way out. Hope is diminished.

It is terribly sad that we've lost Amy Winehouse. She was a talented young woman who inspired millions, including Adele and Lady Gaga. Amy joins the 27 club. It's scary, it's sad. I cringe when I see jokes about it, because addiction is no joke, and certainly death is no joke either. I wish she could have gotten help. I wish someone would have touched her life enough to turn it around. I know she must have been in some very dark times to feel that low and helpless that she was killing herself with drugs and alcohol. My heart hurts for that, and for the millions of other people in this world who are not the help that they need.

We can't let this keep happening. We need to spread awareness about addiction, we need to spread awareness about hope. Don't give up.

I also just want to say- addiction is not always in the form of drugs/alcohol. You can be addicted to food, self hate, cutting, internet, gambling, etc. Anything that takes over your life, so that you are no longer living your life in a healthy way. Or, you are trying to get rid of other feelings (guilt, depression, anxiety) by fully indulging in things that fill you up in that moment..and soon you just cannot live without that one thing. That's dangerous. No matter what it is you are addicted to, it's dangerous. Filling your life with friends, family, God, are so much more worth while.

Rest in peace, Amy. Thank you for giving us the gift of music. We are blessed because of it.

it was the end of a decade, but the start of an age

2011-07-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter has officially reached the end of the road. And while I didn't go to the midnight show dressed up in HP gear, I still consider myself a Harry Potter enthusiast. And I, like millions of other people, am sad it's ending.

I think people have a difficult time because Harry Potter has been around since 1997. that's a long time. People get attached to things like these, people escape in Harry Potter. I think HP has become like Santa Claus. We know it's not real, but we believe anyways. In just reading that book or watching that movie, we could forget about our own problems and fully emerge into the magical world at Hogwarts. It's tought for that to end. I'm sure people made friendships because of Harry Potter, I'm sure it changed lives. So I get the mass hysteria and I sympathize.

I started reading the HP books a year or two after the first one came out. I was fascinated, and hooked. Harry Potter defines my adolescence. I was 11 when I started reading, 18 when I read the last book. In high school my friends and I were Harry Potter nerds. One year, instead of doing a Christmas gift exchange, we pulled each other's names and ordered our person an official wand from the Harry Potter store. My favorite memory, which I shared on twitter last night, was in July 05. We had just graduated and were spending our last few summer nights together. I distinctly remember five or six of us sitting on my friends' trampoline with the 7th book in our hands. We didn't speak. We just read. An occassional gasp, giggle, or whine got out, but other than that we were silent. Completly into the book. Our love for those books was someting we shared between us, and I will always cherish that.

And, while the books mean more to me than the movies, those movies also brought me joy. Many a times did I have Harry Potter movie marathons...grew to love Daniel, Emma,and Rupert. They brought our imagination to life and I thank them for that.

So, goodbye, Harry Potter. Thank you.

call it a lesson learned

2011-07-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

I know my birthday is still a few weeks away, but over the weekend I had an opportunity for reflection on what I've learned in the past year, and I wanted to share it with all of you.

The biggest lesson I've learned is this: It's time to grow up. Am I there yet? No way. But I've accepted it, opened my hear to it, and said goodbye to many things, people, activities that were stopping me from growing up. Part of growing up, I've realized, is taking care of yourself. Realizing your worth. Understanding that you are in control of your life. Why make choices that will only hurt you in the end? Mistakes I understand, but throwing lives away I don't. We have one chance. And I'm totally on board with having a great time while you can and all that jazz...but I also think part of growing up is putting that aside and focusing on you- what you really want out of life. Not what makes you happy for that moment or two, but what will make you happy in the end.

Another lesson? Go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right, most likely, it's not right. With my new job, I've never once had an ounce of anxiety over accepting the position. I feel like I've been here for years when it's only been 2 months. That's how I know I made the right move. It takes trial and error, of course, but going with your gut feeling and listening to that little voice inside can go a long way. Have you taken the time to listen?

Lesson 3. Life is a beautiful, precious gift. I know I sort of touched on this before...but working in hospice has showed me just how true this really is. Most of us are lucky that we are healthy, happy, and supported. Not everyone is that lucky. We have patients who have no one, we are their family. This year has taught me to be grateful for what I have, for my support system. I've also become super comfortable with death- I know that sounds morbid but when it is a part of your daily routine every single day, you learn to get comfortable with it. I'd like to share a quick quote from a recent patient visit

Pt "I want to go home. I want to go home."
Me "Where's home?"
Pt "Heaven."

That moment nearly took my breath away. At the end of life, to be so comfortable and willing to leave this earth and join Heaven. The dying process can be scary, but it can also be quite beautiful. Those people left a mark on this world in some way shape or form, and now it's time to move on. I wish we didn't hurt when our loved ones were taken away. But think of everything you loved about that person- their strength, or maybe their humor- and imagine that they are pouring it onto you. Handing it off. Now it's yours to own, and that person is with you forever in that special way.

So those are just a couple of the lessons I've learned as a 23 year old kiddo. I'll post more as I think of them. I love you, and I hope you have a beautiful day.

2011-07-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the Mercy Volunteer Sendoff...the really crazy thing? Exactly a year ago today, that was me. Sitting in a chair next to my three community members starting out into an audience of Sister's of Mercy who had made sacrifices to support us throughout our year of service. A year ago I sat there with tears in my eyes and an anxious heart. I was nowhere near ready to let go, say goodbye, and had no idea what my life would look like in the next few months.

I cannot believe it's been a year since that was me, saying goodbye and thank you. You know, MVC has this amazing transition retreat that all the volunteers attend at the end of the year, but nothing really prepares you for the transition until you feel it yourself.

I think my transition was pretty unique. I was "moving back home", which meant just 30 minutes up the road from my house as a volunteer. Since I didn't have a job, I could have easily fully emerged into the experience again and been that alum that's always just around. I didn't do that. For a few reasons...1 was so I could learn to detach, because I was afraid of just getting caught in that bubble forever. 2 is because this year was not about me, it was about the three lovely ladies that were doing their year. So I took a step back. In some ways I think I went too far back, I could have helped out more or been around. Maybe I missed out...but at the same time I'm super happy where I am right now.

Life just moves fast. Too fast. So, to the Mercy Volunteers who are packing up and getting ready to move on, I encourage you to stay connected. Don't lose what you had this year. Don't lose the gift you've been given. No matter where life takes you, find something that will bring you back to that place you were in the MVC house.

To the five new Detroit MVC's who are nervous and getting ready to move in, Welcome. Detroit is a beautiful place, and it needs people like you. Keep an open heart, open mind, and open arms because you will get more hugs this year than ever before. Be patient, be kind, be passionate.

lifestyle change

2011-06-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

So...I started a new diet. I know, go ahead and roll your eyes. But wait, roll them again because I'm about to say the inevitable- this time I'm for real.

Those of you who have been in my life for a few years or more know what a constant battle my weight has been. I've tried nearly everything, but I never have enough strength or will power to fight through. I get discouraged and give up easily. Basically, I wasn't ready to grow up. And, quite honestly, I don't know that I have ever cared about myself to lose the weight. I've learned, over the past year especially, how to love myself. And part of loving myself is taking care of myself, in all aspects...but especially in my health.

I'll give myself some credit and say over the past two years or so I have been better at making healthy choies- I mean I did do a 1/2 marathon...but I have a long way to go.

So, this diet. One of the reasons I'm so excited about it is because everything is finally in place. I have the full support of my parents, aka my roommates, which is always helpful. I've met with a nutritionist. I'm working out my emotional challenges, and I'm exercising.

Food wise, I've set up a diet perscription with a nutritionist. It's sort of hard to explain, but try to stay with me. I'm allowed 1800 calories a day...but I don't have to count calories. If I follow my meal plan correctly, I will be in that range. Here is what I am allowed:

Breakfast: 4 carbs, 1 fat, 1 meat.
Example: Greek Yogurt (counts as 1 carb, 1 meat), 1/4 cup granola (1 carb), 1 english muffin (1 carb), 1/2 banana (1 carb, 1 tbsp peanut butter (1 fat).

I know that seems like a lot of food, but it's good for me, and it helps me to feel more full during the day. Other foods I'll eat for breakfast include egg whites, wheat toast, thin sliced deli ham, oatmeal and rasins, etc.

Snack 1- 1 carb, 1 meat
Example- 1 peach (carb) 1 piece low fat string cheese (1 meat)

Lunch- 4 carbs, 2 fat, 2 meat
Example- 1/2 cup chicken salad on wheat bread (2 carbs, 1 fat, 2 meat). Veggie Chips (1 carb), chocolate covered almonds (1 meat, 1 fat).

Snack 2- 1 carb, 1 meat
Example- 5 Ritz Crackers, 1/4 cup low fat cottage cheese

Dinner- 4 carbs, 2 fat, 2 meat
1 oz piece white chicken, ANY VEGGIE I WANT, fresh fruit, whole grain rice/noddles or a small baked potato.

Desert- I think it's 1 carb...so I'd go for sugar free pudding or 1/2 cup ice cream.

Once you get the hang of it, it's not that tricky. I pack all my snacks and lunch the night before. I have a whole list of things I can eat that count as carbs, fat, meat, etc. When I get some free time I plan on labeling things in my fridge and pantry.

OH, and if I want say a Lean Cuisine meal for lunch, I can totally do that, as long as I figure out how many carbs, fat, protein I'm eating. I can bank up meat/fat, but I have to stick with the carbs.

Is it going to be tough? Hell yes. Am I going to stick exactly to this every day? No. But I'm going to try my hardest, make better choices, and remember portion sizes. The hardest part is finding the time...but I'm going to try and do it right after I eat dinner, just have a list of things I can eat and stick them in my lunch box.

Now, exercise...because no diet is complete without it. My exercise schedule looks a little like this...

Monday's- Walk with my mom. Tonight we did 1.50 miles, hoping to increase that.
Tuesday's- Total Body Workout class at the gym
Wednesday's- Zumba at gym
Thursday's- Walk/Jog
Friday's- Off
Saturday- Zumba and walk at gym
Sunday- Either gym or go on one of my walking trails.

So that's my new lifestyle in a nutshell. I am seriously considering starting a twitter and tweeting what I eat. That's more fun than writing it down. I'll test it and see if anyone follows me :)

I really, really need support in this. Help me make goood choices, but also let me figure things out on my own.

Have an excellent week my friends <3

ten years

2011-06-22T18:24:00.001-07:00

A lot can happen in 10 years...sometimes it's fun to think about where I was, where I am now, and where I'm going.

Ten years ago...

I was 13 years old, just leaving 8th grade and getting ready for high school. I was shy, sensitive, emotional, focused, boy crazy, dramatic, and kind. I was READY to leave my school, since I had gone there K-8. I was excited and nervous for high school, having no idea what to expect. I spent that summer with my best friends, having sleepovers and hanging out at the mall. My career aspirations probably ranged from teacher to psychologist, although I really don't recall. I just remember listening to 95.5 a lot and staying up too late with my friends. I had my first "boyfriend", which, at that age, meant holding hands if we were brave enough.

I'm trying to rember what I imagined my life would be like 10 years later... I probably thought I'd be dating Justin Timberlake and having fancy dinner parties with my loads and loads of friends. Well unfortuantley things didn't work out with Justin and I...yes, my life has definatley taken a different course than I imagined it would.

Now...

I'm 23. Just two months into my first real job. I'm shy, but friendly. Sweet, dependable, caring, and funny (at least, I think so). I'm deeply passionate about music and writing, as well as helping other people and being a good friend. I adore my family and friends. I've lost a lot of people close to me. I'm single. I live at home. I try to start every day with a positive attitude. I love kids.

Ten Years From Now...

I will be 33. I will be a mature, confident, compassionate, caring woman. I am hoping that I will be in love with a man who is patient, understanding, kind, funny, and my best friend and soul mate. I'm not sure where I will be working, my hope is that the job I have now will lead me to an organization such as Make A Wish, or something where I can help others come true. I will have my first published book. I'll have new favorite artists and bands. I'll still adore my family, because that is one connection I cannot and will not ever lose. I'd love to have nieces and nephews, perhaps a child of my own. I can see myself living in Detroit still, but if life leads me to Nashville, I'd be happy with that as well.

It's so hard to pin point. I canot predict the future. I can only hope that I stay true to my heart, trust in God, and go where life takes me...all while working hard and being kind, open, and honest with others. I will have to let my guard down but be careful to not fall in love too fast.

I'm happy, and I just pray that I don't lose that, I don't lose sight of what is important. 10 years from now, I still want to be me...just with more life experience and growth.

What's Going On

2011-06-20T12:25:00.001-07:00

Life update time!

What I'm Doing:

Workin. I love my job. No day is the same, but if I were to capture a "typical, in the office day" it would look something like this:
-Arrive around 8:15-8:30.
-Listen to report and check e-mail, make calls if needed.
-Listen to the volunteer voicemails and take notes, input it into access.
-Go through any lose papers on my desk and put them in the right place.
-Charge and sync my work phone to see what evaluations I have to do that day. If I'm not sure what to do with a patient, I call or e-mail the social worker on the case to determine if the patient needs a volunteer at that time. I do some evaluations now, as well.
-Get my office volunteers started on projects.
-Plan for any upcoming events, trainings, etc.
-Lunch between 12-1.
-Work on long term projects such as lending library, social work kits, etc.
-Check volunteer voicemail again
-Call/e-mail volunteers reminders, upcoming important dates
-Recruit new volunteers, or communicate with pending volunteers about missing paperwork
-Finish vists on work phone

That doesn't make it sound very fun, but I promise it is. Most days I have SOMETHING going on that I have to accomplish...introducing a volunteer to a patient, training new volunteers, etc...

Writing a book: Most of you saw that on my last update...the facebook page is officially up and running, so please "like" it and participate in our discussions! Hoping to do my first interviews late June/early July.

Working Out: I have missed more gym visits than I would like, but I am really focused on getting healtheir. I'm eating much better, planning out my meals, and working out. Right now I'm taking two Zumba classes and a Total Body Workout class. TBW is awesome, but very challenging.

Trying to spend as much time with people I love as possible: Between working, writing, and working out, I'm finding myself exhausted and more likely to sit at home and watch movies than hang out with friends. But I've been better and had a few dinner/lunch dates. Yesterday I went over to Martha's for Caroline's 2nd Birthday Party and had an absolute BLAST. Sure I wasn't with anyone my age, but it was a great time.

What I'm Listening Too:

Kate Voegele's new album, Gravity Happens. It is so wonderfully, beautifully written with a mixture of fun pop songs and dramatic lyrical masterpieces. One of my favorite albums of 2011.

Christina Perri. The first time I heard "Jar of Hearts" on the radio way, way back, I had goosebumps. I'm ecstatic that she released an album. She's outstanding. Singer/songwriter, but with edge. Haunting lyrics and unique voice. I highly recommend checking out her album.

Nakia, from The Voice. Talk about soul! This boy has it. He definatley has my vote. I actually downloaded some of his pre- "The Voice" music- and it's fantastic as well. Go download his "Sex is On Fire" performance, for two reasons 1. I just did on Friday night and it is already in my top 25 most played. 2. It's a vote for him :)

Mumford and Sons. Guess I'm on a "soul" roll, because they pour their soul into the lyrics and vocals of this entire album.

David Cook. Cook fans are rejoicing because his new album is SO CLOSE! It's released June 28th but streaming live now on AOL. I'm actually not even a Cook fan. I mean, I like the dude. I have a few songs from his first album...but today I listened to the new one on AOL Radio and I am beyond impressed. I am crossing my fingers that it gets the attention it deserves because this album, I'm sure, was well worth the wait.

Other bands/artists I'm really into at the moment? Adele (Duh), Lady Antebellum, JillandKate, NeedToBreathe, Never Shout Never

What I'm Watching: I don't watch many summer shows. Once SYTYCD goes live, I will watch that...I HAVE been watching The Voice. Favorites are Nakia and Beverly, but there are so many talented people on that show it really is hard to pick. I'm enjoying it, but NOT enjoying Christina Auguleria. Barf.

What I'm Reading: "If You Were Here" by Jen Lancaster, one of my favorite authors. All her previous books have been hilarious, down to earth memoirs. This is her first fiction book. I'm enjoying it, it has the exact vibe of her memoirs that I get confused when her character's name comes up, because I'm expecting it to be "Jen". Anyways, I recommend it for a laugh, for anyone who has been through the house hunting experience especially. Up next I'll be reading Made To Crave.

So I guess that's me in a nutshell. What's going on with you guys?

Exciting news!

2011-06-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

Time to make my big announcement!

I am writing a book about Laurence. For those who have never read my blog and have no idea who I'm talking about, I'll let you catch up

Ever since Laurence passed away, I have been thinking of ways to keep his memory alive. Laurence was truly one of a kind, with a mission and a heart unlike any other person I’ve ever known. One of my good friends suggested a while back that I write a book about Laurence’s life. I thought it seemed like a good idea, but doubted my abilities and brushed it off. However, in the past few weeks, the thought has come back into my mind- and has not left. I am preoccupied with ideas and thoughts about the book, constantly writing myself little notes about important things to include. I am taking this as a sign to write the book.

It is my ultimate goal to have the book published so that Laurence’s book can reach out to hundreds, thousands of other people who did not know him. However, I also know what a difficult task that will be. I am willing to work hard. I’m willing to, if nothing else, sell the book to his family and friends who would want to read it.

I have no idea where this journey is going to take me, but I’m excited, and ready.
My first step will be to begin interviewing people in Laurence’s life. This will allow me to gather enough facts and stories to create a layout. The interviews will be my backbone. Once I get enough “meat”, I am going to reach out to both Jordin Sparks (who honored Laurence with the MAD award) and Bono.

My first step will be A) Creating a Facebook Fan Page. I'm probably going to title it "The Laurence Carolin Project" for now, as I have ideas for the title but that is yet to be revealed :) I am asking that all of you "like" the page once it is created. B) Interviews! I need to interview many, many people for this project. Parents and other family memers, friends, teachers, Laurence's dr, it goes on and on. I will hopefully be able to start those soon. I will probably send you a letter or an e-mail if I need you, which is likely.

Quite honestly, I'm posting this and keeping a facebook page because I need support. I need stories, pictures, quotes, memories, AND prayers. I'm ECSTATIC about this, but also scared.

So, that's my news. I hope I have your support. :)

2nd graders thoughts, final edition.

2011-06-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is my last "2nd Graders" post until September, when my mom gets a new batch of kids who will no doubt make me laugh and inspire some of these blog posts. I was quite close with this year's group. I credit that mostly to Lizzy, one of the Carter kids who I adore. Plus, this year's class consistently prayed for me to get a job, pray for members of my family who are sick, drew pictures for a gift a gave Melinda, and were just so darn cute.

Their last assignment of the year was to write "10 Things I Learned from Mrs. Carolin". They could not be academic. Here are some of their adorable answers.

Notre Dame is the best football team in the world.

The most important thing is NO ARGUING WITH THE TEACHER.

I should never take Christ out of Christmas (Xmas)

Tony is A-1’s angel.

Never, ever, under any condition argue with Mrs. Carolin.

Mrs. Carolin is a clean freak, if you’re desk isn’t clean, you’re in trouble.

We cannot say shut up. Mrs. Carolin's kids could not say it when they were kids and they still don't.

Don’t talk in church because it is God’s house.

You should always say, Maggie and I, and not me and Maggie, or Mrs. Carolin will correct you.

A bad tone of voice is unacceptable.

Nobody can make you do anything….it’s your choice.

Don’t say bad words because Jesus doesn’t want us to.

Never count on your fingers unless absolutely necessary.

You should always pray the rosary because Mary asked us to.

Never cheat on a test because the teacher wants to know what you know, not your neighbor.

Always love Notre Dame.

Always be a good friend and let others play.

Never steal Mrs. Carolin’s FAT PENCILS.

Second grade is the only year you will receive two sacraments

Be a follower of Jesus.

Pray every day, anytime or anywhere.

Use proper grammar because people always say, “I am done.” People get finished.

Laurence and Tony are very special to Mrs. Carolin.

Mrs. Carolin only has two hands, she cannot help everyone at once.

Prayer can be in the form of a song.

N.E.V.E.R. argue with the teacher, no matter what (even if your teacher is a softie)

It is unacceptable to go ahead of the teacher because she knows more than you.

Do not snap your fingers because it is annoying.

Don’t do your homework in school. That’s why it’s called HOMEwork.

Use proper grammar like, saying ly (as in quickly instead of quick).

Never, no never, no never should you swear.

Do not shove people. Say, “Excuse Me.”

You should say yes and not yeah.

Mrs. Carolin wants a grandchild.

Mrs. Carolin has three children. Maureen is married to Dave. Jonathon likes to play tricks on his mom. Megan took me to Red Robin.

I know, they are adorable little boogers, aren't they?

nostalgia

2011-06-06T18:01:00.000-07:00

It's so strange, the emotions we fill by simply seeing an old friend. I've always been a sensitive, nostalgic person who isn't a big fan of change. So last year, when I had to pack up and leave my house in Corktown, say goodbye to the best year of my life, it was a challenge. But, for the firt time in my life, I didn't spend every single minute thinking about it, missing it. Instead, I decided it would be best to move on. So I did. Quickly. Instead, I spent all of my time trying to find a job. I totally pushed my year of MVC out of my mind. Not exactly healthy. I wish I had found a balance between the two. Because sometimes, I honestly feel like last year did not happen. That it was all just a dream. And that's terribly sad, considering all that it blesed me with.

This past weekend, one of my roomies from last year, Nate, came into town. I'll be honest, we haven't spoken very often since we said our goodbyes last July. But, like I said above, I wasn't focused on that. It was so wonderful to see Nate. He seemed happy, which made me happy. It was a relief that our friendship had not changed. He was still his sarcastic self, cracking jokes left and right, but also looking at me with sincerity and compassion when I was talking with him. I loved hanging out with him again. Another thing that made it so great was that his old supervisor stoppped by, and the happiness in her eyes seeing him was beautiful. She and the MV this year who took his place were going on and on about how people at his old job missed him and constantly asked about him. I was so proud of Nate for that, for making an impact on people. I know that as he goes through med school he will continue to do so. I am very lucky to have Nate as one of my best friends. Now it's my turn to go visit him...and I'm going to do my best to make sure to keep in contact with him.

So, seeing Nate was fabulous, but it made me feel awful for not keeping in touch with him, or Dave and Katie. It doesn't mean I don't miss them, because I do. They will always be three of my best friends, and the year I shared with them was the greatest year of my life.

On Sunday, I spent time with Cristo Rey kids when I took them to the Lupus Walk at the Detroit Zoo. We had an absolute blast. It was fun to see the kids just act like kids, because I know they don't get to do that often. Plus I was super proud of Jasmine for her passion for the cause and raising so much money. But, like Nate, it also made me a little sad. I just miss them.

I know things change, but I think I tried to force them to change too quickly this time. People warned me about getting stuck with last year, wanting to hold on forever..and I did the complete opposite of that. I pushed it away. I didn't realize it until I tutored at Cristo Rey a few times, and even more so when I saw Nate.

I love you all. Thanks for the constant support. I know this blog won't make much sense to anyone, but I just had to get it out.

new writing

2011-05-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

Transfering my new writing from tumblr to here...

"Girl You Write About"

We were swapping stories over coffee
When you told me you were a poet
And I just rolled my eyes
Darling, aren’t we all
I wasn’t ready to give you a chance
But then the tables, they turned
And I fell so fast for you
Suddenly I’m dying to be
The girl you write about
And it’s so cliché, our little story
Two strangers who’ve given up on love
But I‘ve got room in my heart for you
And I think it’s time you let me in
Cuz I’m dying to be
The girl you write about
I told my friends about you
I said he’s a poet
And they rolled their eyes
Darling, aren’t they all
-megan carolin

"Stuck"
My friends are waiting
Not so patiently
For me to get over you
They don’t know me very well
Because I’m never going to
Give up all of this
It’s not that I haven’t tried
I make a wish that you’ll disappear
So I can stop chasing you
But as long as you stick around
Honey I’m stuck on you
Call me crazy and desperate
But I’ll take those over lonely
And dear when you’re around
The lonely goes away
My friends, they wonder what I see in you
It’s your sweet soul that
Has had me captured since that very first day
It’s the hope you gave me
To sum it all up, you’re perfect
So to my so call friends
I know this is hard for you
You call me crazy and desperate
But I’d take those over lonely
And dears, when he’s around,
The lonely goes away
So let me love him
As long as he’s around
I’m so stuck on him

"Mess Like Me"
I wish I knew how to love me
Talkin to ya late last night
I had an epiphany
The reason I run from you
Is because I’m running from me
And I know you said you’d stick around
But what if I can’t be cured
How long are you willing to wait
For a mess like me?
And I always come back to you
Because the truth is I need you
I’m not the biggest fan of me
I say I’ll change but I never do
I don’t know how to love me
And I know you said you’d stick around
But what if I can’t be cured
How long are you willing to wait
For a mess like me?
I’ve got some figuring out to do
My heart is in desperate need of repairs
I’m learning how to love me
Maybe then I can love you too
But this isn’t a quick fix
So How long are you willing to wait
For a mess like me?

"Mr. Whoever You Are"
Every night I think…One day I’ll find him
You’ll open my eyes to a brand new world
I think I found him, and I think he’s you
There’s just one obstacle
You’re nothing but a stranger
So Dear Mr Whoever you are,
I just wanted to tell ya
You make my day worthwhile
You’ve got me
Thinking maybe, just maybe
The distance between us will disappear
Let’s break the barrier between us
Don’t you wonder why our paths keep crossing
Couldn’t it be fate that brought us both to this place
Dear Mr Whoever you are
I just wanted to tell ya
You make my day worthwhile
You’ve got me
Thinking maybe, just maybe
The distance between us will disappear
I don’t want to be passing strangers anymore
Dr Mr Whoever you are,
I’d like to know who you are.

"Have Hope"
We’re all watching you
Holding our breath
Waiting for you to fall to pieces
Maybe this time you need to break
Maybe it will be okay to crash
And I don’t know why
I seem so invested in you
All I know is, I can’t watch you fade away
Why do you let you abuse you like that?
All that mess bringing you down?
Leave it behind
Sweets, none of it matters
The cure is simple:Have hope
What’s meant to be,
Well it always finds its way
So have patience
I promise I won’t let you fade away
I won’t leave you behind

Season 10: Top 20 Performances

2011-05-25T20:27:00.001-07:00

Well, Season 10. We've had our ups and downs. I'm happy with the winner, as I predicted it would be Scotty all along. My favorites? Casey, Jacob, Naima. And here, my friends, are my top 20 favorite performances from Season 10.

20. Paul McDonald, Maggie Mae. At first, Paul was one of my favorites. Loved his unique sound! I tired of him pretty quickly, but I enjoyed this perfomance.

19. Paul and Kendra, Blackbird. I love the way their voices sound together! I never thought Kendra was as amazing as everyone else seemed to, but this was a stand out Hollywood week performance for me.

18. Lauren, Candle in The Wind. Lauren has such a strong voice for her age. I don't think she's quite up there yet, but this was one of my favorites from her.

17. James, "Uprising". I was never a big James fan, but I thoroughly enjoyed this performance.

16. Lauren Turner, Seven Day Fool. This girl was STRAIGHT. UP. ROBBED. Her voice is outstanding. I'm still super bitter that she did not make it into the top 13. I hope she continues to pursue music.

15. Lauren and Scotty, I Told You So. Flawless.

14. Pia, All Is Fair. Still gives me chills.

13. Haley, Bennie and the Jets (Swan Song Version). I was never on the Haley train, but for some reason I LOVED when she did this as her goodbye. I think it has a lot to do with her energy and the fact that she and Naima had a dance party.

12. Naima, Dancing In The Streets. I love this girl and her creative energy!

11. Scotty, Gone. Scotty is IN IT TO WIN IT!

10. Casey and Haley, Moanin. Their voices are so amazing together.

9. Jacob, You're All I Need To Get By. I seriously loved every Jacob performance (except No Air). This one makes me cry.

8. Stefano, If You Don't Know Me By Now. Though call between this one and Need You Now. But when I think of Stefano I think this song.

7. Casey, I Put A Spell On You. I fell madly in love with him during this performance.

6.Scotty, You've Got A Friend. So beautiful!

5. Lauren, Anyway I really connect with this song and thought Lauren did a beautiful job.

4. Pia, I'll Stand By You. Because she came out there, did this song and left America in tears.

3. Haley, I Who Have Nothing. Now you're probably wondering...if you didn't like Haley why is she in your top 3? Well. Because even I can admit that this was outstanding.

2. Jacob, A House Is Not A Home My Jacob boo!

1. Casey, I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends. If I could, I would have put every Casey performance on this list :)

and I do, I do believe music can heal my soul

2011-05-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

So you know how sometimes you see a singer/band on tv or hear them on the radio and you immediatley think of someone in your life? Example- I cannot hear the name "Barry Manilow" without thinking of my mother. And last night, while watching the Billboard awards, I saw Kylie Minogue and thought of this girl that I barely know, but I know she loves Kylie. Music is just so great that way- it connects people.

I was curious, so I asked on twitter what artists remind people of me. These are the responses that I got:

Melinda
Mandisa
Kelly
Jordin
Lady Antebellum
Taylor Swift
Lady Gaga
Bruno Mars
Spill Canvas
Hanson
Adele
Spill Canvas
Sugarland
Usher (random)
U2
Jason Castro

And it just sort of struck me as funny, because although I do LOVE each of those artists, there are so many more I am constantly listening too that weren't named. I guess I talk about the above the most, which is good because that means that I am doing my job as a fan...I make people aware of the artists I love. But my poor bands like Anberlin, Cartel, Never Shout Never, NeedToBreathe, The Rocket Summer- they all got the boot on this one. Sorry. Maybe those are like my musical secrets. Because usually, I'm listening to those alone. In my room while writing or in the car on long drives. But they have just as much plays on my itunes as Melinda or Mandisa. Strange.

Anyways, I hope that maybe by knowing me, you have gained an appreciation for the above artists. Because Lord knows they deserve it :)

On another music note....last night, Mandisa retweeted something from one of her fans. The fan said that she couldn't fit Mandisa's new album in her budget. I offered to gift it to her. I got such sweet comments from other Mandisa fans, and Mandisa herself. I just hope people understand my reasons for gifting- it was not to get Mandisa's attention. It was- 1. People have done similiar things for me and I know how grateful I was, so I decided to pay it forward. 2. Mandisa's album did SO much for my heart (and is still doing) that I want other people to be able to get inspired. Music is something to be shared, especially when it can change lives.

I love you all and I apologize for this random, all over the place post. Have a great week!

PS: GAGA fans- favorite song on the new album? Mine is Edge of Glory.

mrs.c

2011-05-15T19:28:00.001-07:00

I know I'm seven days late on the whole "Mother's Day" blog thing, but hey- better late than never!

So, a few years ago, I gave my mom a lovely Christmas present. I contacted students past and present and asked them to write her a letter of gratitude. I received TONS of feedback, filling two books worth of letters. There were letters from her class at the time all the way back to her favorite student from 30 years ago.

This year, I decided I'd update a little, and have her current class write letters. This class has had its ups and downs with my mama. She loves them, but they are incredibly...umm..energetic...so they drive her crazy :-) I wanted her to know how much they love her, so I asked the parents to have their children write a letter. The cutest part is that most of them are handwritten, so they have adorable 2nd grade writing and spelling errors.

I love my mom, and I talk about her a lot. She really is my best friend. I will admit I was worried about moving home because I thought that we would fight all the time. And yes, we fight, but the relationship we have is so special. She is my everything :-) Ever since I was in 3rd grade, I've had to share her with all the "kids" in her classroom. I see how much time she devotes to them. I don't mind sharing, because I know she is making an incredible impact she is making on their lives. My mom is the best teacher I know, hands down. I hear that ALL THE TIME from parents.

Here is a chance for you to see the impact she has made on her class this year. This is just a small sample of how loved she is at that school by students and parents a like. Enjoy some of my favorite quotes from their letters!

I kept in some of my favorite spelling/grammar mistakes :)

-I appreciate how you are to me. I know you love becaus you act like it and you want to macke me right. PS I love you so much!

-You always taught us math, science, religion, social studies, and all other diferent stuff.

-You have been so good to us . Like letting us stay in your classroom when mom is at work. My family gives you hugs. (This is from Lizzy, one of the Carter kids)

-I love that you are supper nice to everyone. If I was in an older grade and saw a shooting star, I would wish to go back to second grade.

-We have had our ups and down but we are still good friends, Mrs. C.

-Mrs Carolin. You are my favorite because you are 1. Very Strict. 2. Very nice.3. Always happy to see your class. 4. Peaceful and calm.

-Thanks for being the best! Heads above all the rest! Even when we act like pests, and put you to the test, you always fill our lessons with lots of zest!

-Mrs. Carolin, I think of you as family and always will. One of the things I like about you, is you never give up, even when Notre Dame loses one game or more. Another thing I like is you give me hope.

-Mrs. Carolin is my favorite teacher in the whole wide world. I sometimes drive her crazy but I know she likes me.

-You are the best teacher I ever had. You have the best ideas. I love it! My whole family loves you! When it's my birthday in the older grades, I won't forget to visit you!

-At the begening of the year I heard you were stricked and I liked that. You are my kind of teacher! I tried not to spill the beans of this surprise and it worked. Thank you for providing me and all my classmates to have a very good education.

I love you Mama.

night of the arts

2011-05-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm having an incredibly difficult time writing this blog. I want to be able to word things correctly, so I can get across to you just how I feel. Here goes nothing...

Last night, I attended "Night of The Arts", a talent show of sorts put on by students and staff at Cristo Rey. I wanted to go to be able to support them, as this was the first time they've done something like this. Plus, all proceeds went directly to the school, and since I was once a volunteer at that school, I love to be able to give back when I can. I expected to see some of my old students and friends who teach at the school-what I did not expect was to walk away with a heart full of pride, joy, and inpiration.

First of all, the room where the show was held was decorated with student artwork. Now I've always known our kids had a strong talent in art, but to see it scattered across the room and people walking around admiring it was truly beautiful. Before the show I was able to walk around and catch up with students and friends. I was excited to see so much participation from freshmen, even though I don't know them. It was obvious how excited they were about the school. And, of course, seeing my sophomores and junior was so wonderful. They mean the world to me :-)

So the show itself? Umm outstanding. I got chills in every act. I have to say, though, my favorite part was kids who went up there and read poetry. They were all kids that I have had, all of them sat in my creative writing class last year. Most of them? I had to push to write. They'd come into the class out of curiosty, sit there looking bored, and then write a beautiful piece. They never quite understood how good they were, so I had to remind them- and hound them- to keep writing. I was proud of them for being brave enough to share their writing in front of all those people, because I know how precious it is to them, and how personal it is. They truly shared their hearts.

I also have to give a little shoutout to my buddy Omar. He had a table set up with his photography, and I am not joking you guys, it is some FANTASTIC stuff. That doesn't even do it justice- it should be in magazines, on billboards. Goregous! There was a picture of the Fox Theatre in Detroit that, I believe, could become a famous picture. It makes me extra proud because my roomie, co-worker, and friend, Dave, is the one who pushed Omar to give photography a try, mentored him, and now look at Omar! He is trying to raise money to go to an art program this summer. If you are interested in helping him out, please let me know. He deserves it, and he needs it!

All of the kids- no matter what their talent- displayed such honesty, passion, and bravery. I sat there in the audience with a huge smile on my face knowing that for that one night, they were stars, they were on top. They deserved it. I hope that each of them continue to use art as an outlet, to express themselves through music, drawing, poetry, rap, whatever it is that gives them that hope and that happiness.

I miss that school more than anything. Sometimes it hurts that I'm not "part of it" anymore, but at the same time...I'll always be a part of that place, and those kids will always be in my heart. I will never forget that amazing year I shared with wonderful staff and students. To my co-workers, and to the new staff who continue to do remarkable things over there, I am proud of you too. You are shaping the future. We all know that job isn't easy, and never routine. But the dedication you all have to those kids lives is truly inspiring.

<3

keep it positive

2011-05-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've had a very serious lack in energy for writing ever since the A-Z challenge ended. I asked for suggestions on Facebook, got a great one from Linda- "One positive thing you witness each day". I have many, so I decided to write a list.

-Seeing sunshine out my window when I wake up in the morning. It is such a sweet relief to wake up to that rather than pitch dark skies and freezing weather.
-When my mom and I are on the same schedule and getting ready for work together.
-Listening to 96.3 on my way to work. I love that morning show. The three of them have this wonderful energy with each other, they are more like family than radio show hosts. Allyson cracks me up, and lately has inspired me with her weight loss. I love them and love that they are so community focused.
-The fact that I have a job that I can drive to every morning :-)
-My co-workers who have been so super supportive of me and willing to help, even in the crazy transition phase we are going through.
-My volunteers who have compassionate hearts and listening ears.
-Getting text messages throughout the day- the random surprise ones are the best!
-Going to the gym after work when I get the chance and seeing the "usual after work crowd".
-Home cooked meals at the table with my parents, talking about our days. I love listening to my mom's stories about her kids and their crazy antics.
-Watching "our shows" (yes I'm a nerd)- Glee, Idol.
-Reading before bed, having a conversation with God, and then drifting off to sleep
-Seeing the beauty in people and in this world, every single day.

Zone

2011-05-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, this entry is past due. Scandal.

So often we are told "push out of your comfort zone". I'm a firm believer in this as well. We should push ourselves to take it a step further, it's how we grow and how we learn. Make a mistake? It's okay. You don't have to hide away because of it. You can make changes.

However, I also believe- sometimes we need that comfort zone. Not to rely on it or use it as a crutch, but so that we do not get burned out. What good are we if we are not good to ourselves? You can work work work, push yourself to the limit, and completely exhaust yourself, or you can remember to work hard and take chances, but keep a healthy balance with taking care of yourself and your needs.

Last year I was a full time volunteer. No pay, living in community, working with at-risk teens. You better believe I was burned out. But I remembered to take my own time. Go back to my comfort zone- whether that was sitting at the kitchen table with my headphones in, writing in my journal...taking a nap, or going home to visit my family, I absolutely needed to do those things in order to continue to be a successful volunteer/employee of the school.

My point? Find something- HEALTHY- that you can do for yourself every day, to keep yourself balanced and in check.

Thank you all for keeping up with my a-z challenge. If you had a favorite post, please tell me which one it was. Thank you!

Happy May!

Oh...and because this song has been in my head this entire post- here.

You

2011-05-01T06:23:00.001-07:00

Ten People.

1. You are going to be okay. May you experience hope, strength, love, and emotional healing. Life is too great. You do have a future, and a great one at that, with your "go getter" attitude, maturity, and respect for others. You can talk to anyone, easily. You just need to believe in yourself, have a little faith, and hold onto hope. You're going to be okay.

2. You have helped me tremendously these past few weeks. You're passion, loyalty, and kindness truly shine. You are honest, encouraging, and genuine. You are respected by everyone and an extremely hard working individual. It has been a true honor to get to know you.

3. You've had your share of let downs, but you remain one of the sweetest and most positive people in my life. Something is going to happen for you. You are too talented, too genuine, too good for it not to happen. You are probably frustrated, but you don't let it show. Keep at it. You are an incredible person and friend. Stay positive.

4. Like the last person, you certainly have had quite a roller coaster of a year. It's not fair that you are going through a rough time, especially because you are so gifted, giving, and loving. You are in my prayers as you continue to fight and carry on. Thank you for everything you have taught me. You will get through this mess. We are all on your side.

5. You are one of my favorite people in the entire world. Having you back in my life is so wonderful. You are extremely friendly, sweet, and understanding. You are admirable in many ways. You have a special place in my heart. Thank you.

6. You are so creative, patient, compassionate, funny...the list of admirable qualities goes on and on. You are one of my best friends. You are just a joy to be around. You need to come visit :-)

7. You make me so proud! You do all these wonderful things for the school, the city, your friends and family. You truly make a difference in people's lives, easily. You are one of those unforgettable people. Your words and actions are so careful, so genuine. You have a passion for life and it shows. You are another one of my best friends, and heroes.

8. You are such an amazing young lady. You are confident, mature, honest, and understanding. You handle things with such strength. You are going to continue to do well and make an impact on this world with your intelligence, sense of humor, and kindness. You are like a little sister to me.

9. You pretty much always know the right thing to say- whether it is words of comfort, advice, or just making someone laugh, you always have it spot on. You are patient and gentle, kind and understanding. You aren't afraid to stand up for what you believe in. You have taught me so much about life. Opposite of the person above, You are like a big sister to me :)

10. Your phone call the other day, although bearing sad news, made me realize how much you mean to me. You are not only hilarious, but incredibly caring. You put so much love into your relationships with others, always putting other people first. Your enthusiasm and passion are contagious.

x-men

2011-04-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I'm behind. I can't promise this will be the most riveting blog post for all of you, but it was my best "X" option without cheating.

X-Men...aka, a large majority of my childhood.

My brother was such your typical little boy- action figures were his THING. We have a video of his 5th or 6th birthday party, where he literally got some kind of action figure for every gift. Either Ghostbusters or Ninja Turtles...then came X-Men. He was obsessed with those things, the comic, the cartoon tv show, the video games, and, later in life, the movies. He knew everything about every single character. We played with his X-men action figures for hours. He taught me about the "Bad guys" and the "good guys", their powers, everything. He was like a walking X-Men Encyclopedia. His favorites were Wolverine and Gambit. Mine were Storm and Jubilee (Can I just say Jubilee is so much more BA than the movies make her seem). We were unstoppable with our X-Men obsession. I loved hanging out with my brother. We always had the best time.

My brother has lived in Indianapolis since he was 18, when he went away to college. I miss him dearly, but there is something still so special about our relationship. We protect each other. He can still teach me about the "good guys" vs the "bad guys". He likes to annoy me, only because that is his role as a brother. (He sends me clown pictures whenever he gets the chance). But we understand each other. And I know, if the X-Men movie is on TV, I can call him and say "GO TO CHANNEL ...". He will, and we'll both smile, remembering.

Long live X-Men.

What If We Were Real

2011-04-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the two people who texted/emailed to ask where my W post was. I feel loved. Oh, and to my mom who said "Did you post your thoughts yet tonight?" Ha. She's cute. Anyways, here is my W post. It gets pretty personal.

I really have no words to describe my admiration and respect for Mandisa. Some of you may know her from Idol, others may have picked up on her music later. Regardless, she is extremely successful and immensely talented. On top of that, she has a huge heart, and a beautiful story to tell. Mandisa has been on quite a journey- her music speaks that story loud and clear, as does her honest discussions with fans through interviews, twitter, concerts, etc. Mandisa has lost over 100 pounds, after a long journey of overcoming food addiction. I'm proud of her and inspired by her. She is open about her relationship with the Lord and how He has pulled her through this journey. What If We Were Real, Mandisa's third album, is compelling, breath taking, and inspiring. The songs relate to image- of ourselves, each other, and God. If you are seeking a powerful, soul seeking album, you need to listen to this.

1. Stronger. The first single, a wise choice at that. Mandisa has said that when she went into record this song, she wasn't feeling so hot- just down in the dumps, she had hit a wall with the weight loss and feeling low about herself. She then reports that once she was in the studio, things changed- not her circumstances, but her perspective. How powerful is that? I think we all need to remember that we can choose our own happiness sometimes. For me personally, this song came out RIGHT at the time I was hitting an all time low with my job search. I was frustrated, sad, lonely, broken hearted. When I heard these lyrics, I really did become Stronger. I was reminded that perhaps God was using this journey to make me stronger, make me more patient and grateful. The song is uplifting and encouraging, both the lyrics and the track itself.

2. What If We Were Real. A little bit of a rock/Gospel song, which is new for Mandisa (I think), but it totally works. This is my car song. This song is basically about us being real with each other, not putting up this front like everything was perfect. Mandisa has always been very real to me, she shares her story with grace opens up about the difficulties of food addiction and weight loss. She's like a friend. The line that sticks with me the most is "why can't we let someone love us", because I tend to push away people who get too close to me- perhaps because I'm afraid. It all goes back to my self worth and self image, which is what this song is about.

3. "These Days". Reminds me a little bit of "Only The World" from her first album. It's about learning to love the things that bring us down, to be grateful that we are here. I've been trying to work on this, make the best of each day regardless of the circumstances. This song is a nice reminder that God is there, even in the bad days.

4. "Truth About Me". First of a few ballads on the album. A very emotional tune that really touched my heart. We tell ourselves so many lies about ourselves- "you're not good enough", "you won't find love", etc. This song is saying- hey- those aren't true. God's truth about you is that you are loved, you are worthy...and if we believed these truths, it would change everything. I really, really struggle with this. Mandisa's song helped me to realize just how much I do struggle with it- I had never thought about it this deeply before. I need to believe the truth about me :)

5. "Say Goodbye". This song is SO. PERFECTLY. PLACED after "Truth About Me". It is taking those lies, and singing about saying goodbye to them, because they are breaking you down and does not have to define you. When I heard this right after the song above, I nearly broke down. Thank you thank you thank you Mandisa and producers for being so smart :) This song is deeply personal to me. I know I need to say goodbye to my old habits, beliefs, and lies. This song is giving me strength to do so.

6. "Good Morning" Now this song is my JAM. I listen to it every morning. You cannot help but dance to it! It helps that there is an amazing rap breakdown by Mr. Toby Mac. And the words "zumba" and "1/2 a marathon" are included in this rap. This fun, upbeat track puts an instant smile on my face and gives me hope for a great day. One of these days I should video myself dancing to it in the morning. Thanks, Mandisa, for waking me up every day!

7. "Waiting For Tomorrow". Who here is guilty of saying "that can wait till tomorrow". ::raises hand::. Yep, me. ESPECIALLY when it comes to eating healthy/working out. "Well...I didn't get to the gym, I'll just work out tomorrow..." that usually turns into a week later. Such a bad habit to keep pushing things off until tomorrow, and that's basically what Mandisa sings about in this pop tune. Saying that we are promised today, today is a new beginning, why wait until tomorrow to make changes that we need to make? We are worth so much more than that :) It also, kind of, talks about not waiting until tomorrow to get help if you need it. So if you are putting off something until tomorrow that could potentially save you, or even change you just a little bit, why not start today.

8. "just Cry". This could be my favorite Mandisa song ever. I really did break down and cry when I first heard it. If you want powerhouse ballad with raw emotion, listen to this one. This one goes out to everyone who believes tears are a sign of weakness, anyone too afraid to just break down and cry- know that it's okay. Sometimes that's all you can do to get you through. You can't listen to this song without feeling an incredible impact. I LOVE the emotion in her voice, especially in the chorus.

9. "Temporary Fills". Yet another song that hits so close to home. See, I tend to "fill up" on things that give me a temporary feeling of comfort, love, acceptance- like food...instead of focusing on God's love, love in general. This song is about those temporary fills, and how they only make us feel better for a while.

10. "Free". Love the vibe of this song. Mandisa is singing out her testimony here, about her journey to freedom and basically inviting others to do the same. Love the chant of f-r-e-e! GO Disa! Congratulations on your journey and for helping me to stay on track!

11. Lifeline. A beautiful Worship tune. This song displays hope, faith, and love for God, matched with flawless vocals. She is basically giving praise to God for bringing her through this journey of taking her mask of, learning to love herself, etc. Thanks for the reminder to be grateful, Disa!

Simply put, "What If We Were Real" is more than an album. It is a journey. It is an honest, inspiring, genuine story. It has given me hope and strength, motivation and encouragement. It has given me the courage to be real, to believe the truth about me. To cry. To say goodbye to my temporary fills, to be stronger...to quit waiting for tomorrow and make all of these days start with a positive, good morning. To be free. To praise my God, my lifeline.
I love you, Disa!

voice

2011-04-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

The power of "the voice". And no, I'm not talking about the new show on NBC. (Although I am watching it right now and falling in love with it! Such a great concept). I'm going in a bit of a different direction, though...

Actually, two different directions. First of all, to quickly echo what I was saying yesterday about finding your inner beauty, you also have to find your inner voice. Do not be afraid to stand for what you believe in. This may be your last chance to say what you need to say, so do it now. This is something I'm learning as well, and have to push myself to do every single day. Just today I had to speak up and say my piece. It all goes back to self worth.

Secondly, today I experience the true, raw power of a beautiful singing voice. As part of my job training, I have been shadowing various people in the company to understand what they do and how I will be supporting them in my position. Today I spent a few hours with the music therapist. Prior to today, I had no idea what music therapy really does. Boy, was I in for a treat. I can tell you this: it works. Music therapy is used to calm the patient from anxiety, take away depression, or pain, trigger conversation. The therapist I was shadowing told me she once had a patient who had not spoken in a year. Once she began singing to this patient, the patient immediatley started singing-loudly-along with her. Today I saw similiar affects. One patient was in tremendous pain, by the end of our session she told was smiling, engaging in conversation, and singing along to many of the songs. Our second patient was a sassy little lady, who loved having a part in the session- she played the bells while the therapist sang and played guitar. Our last patient is slowly declining, and in a lot of pain. When we walked in she was breathing quite quickly and heavily. The therapist sang and played a slowed down version of "somewhere over the rainbow", and the patient immediatley slowed her breathing and calmed down. She also began talking to us a little bit. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I have always been a large believer in the power of music, but today totally moved my heart and proved to me the truth of that belief. I am so honored and blessed that I could be a part of this expeirence, and now a very strong supporter of music therapy. I also learned some fantastic old (and I do mean old) songs.

Use your voice, use it proudly. :)

Ugly Duckling

2011-04-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

I'm about to get real cheesy on you guys...just hear me out.

When I was a little kid, I LOVED the story "The Ugly Duckling". I got it. I understood the meaning, the moral. That little ugly duckling who was mocked and ridiculed by his little duck neighbors, forced to spend a lonely, cold, miserable winter all by himself, and then, turned into a beautiful swan, more beautiful than any other swan. Even as a kid, I knew what that meant- don't judge a book by it's cover, love and accept others and yourself.

The Ugly Ducking is one of those stories that everyone can relate too. I'm sure, at one point or another, each of us have felt like the Ugly Duckling. Maybe because of other people's nasty words, maybe our perceptions of ourselves. Heck some of us battle this every single day. Some of us are constantly labeling ourselves as "The Ugly Duckling". I know I'm guilty. Among my friends I've always, always been "the big girl". When I was in middle and high school I hated going shopping with my friends because they could still wear the cute little junior sizes, and I couldn't. It's taken me a long time to accept myself, and some days I still struggle. But I am too the point where I can work on it (I aim to work out 3-4 days a week and eat healthier. Some days are better than others) and be happy. We compare ourselves to others, beating our self worth into the ground. It has to stop. I grew up in a household where we were taught "let's build each other up, not tear each other down". If only everyone lived their life this way. How peaceful and loving our world would be if we didn't judge others so harshly. Do not dare judge someone by the way they look. Who are you to do such a thing? Our hearts, our thoughts and our actions tell so much more than our face or body.

Love yourself. Do not let anyone call you an Ugly Ducking. Find that beauty inside. Be proud of who you are! Make a list of all the things you love about yourself, and say it out loud. You are worth it. You are beautiful...and you, my friend, are no Ugly Duckling.

Traditions

2011-04-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

As I looked around the Church this morning, I could not help but reminisce about my family and our own traditions. And, sadly, how some of them seem to have been lost...well, maybe not lost, maybe more like put on hold. Since all of us have grown up into that "adult children" phase, maybe new traditions shall come about once we start having our own kids. We used to have so many traditions. Ft. Walton for Easter, Carolin Christmas Parties, Christmas Day at my mom's parents house, trips Up North with the whole family during the summer. As everyone has grown up and moved away, we rarely hold onto these. I so cherish the ones we do still practice (Thanksgiving at Uncle Kevin's, reading A Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve together even if it means reading it over the phone). Of all the traditions my family had, I did have a personal favorite (besides Florida for Easter. Nothing can top that).

Weekends at Grandma's. Those were so special. My mom's lovely, beautiful, compassionate mother was my hero from a very young age. She was sweet- to everyone. I loved spending time with her and cherished every moment. The girl cousins in town were lucky enough that we got to spend a whole Saturday-Sunday with Grandma every two months or so(And Grandpa too..I'll get to him). We rotated turns, and I always looked forward to my turn. We were treated like princesses. We were given the chance to buy our very own book (my Grandma was a librarian. She met my grandpa in a library. I know, they win cutest people ever award), choose a movie to rent, and go out to dinner, or have dinner in, whichever we wanted. In the summer, we went out for ice cream. I don't remember the conversations we had, but I remember how happy I was, how loved I felt. Not that I wasn't getting love at home, but it was just special with Grandma. I was felt like I was in the presence of someone great around her..probably because I was. On Sunday mornings at their house I would wake up to the smell of bacon- my Grandpa's bacon, the best bacon you would ever eat in your life. Now I know I've been talking about my Grandma, but Gramps was pretty incredible himself. He's kind of indescribable. He was hilarious, strict yet had a heart so full of love and energy. We would sit around the table, Grandpa pouring butter on everything, Grandma filling my glass with orange juice. I looked forward to those weekends and had them up until I was 11 or 12, when I was "too cool" for weekends with Grandma anymore. If I had only known that my Grandma would not live much longer, after passing away from Leukemia within 24 hours of being diagnosed when I was 14, I would have spent every single weekend with her.I miss our old traditions, and my grandparents (both sets. I did not know my dad's parents as well, I'd only known them as being sick). But I am so glad that I have such happy family memories and traditions to look back on.

Here's to old traditions, and here's to building new ones. To my family, I love you. Thank you for providing me with such a happy, loving, safe childhood and for continuing to protect and support me.

Do you have a favorite traditions? Have your traditions changed over the years?

Seven Things

2011-04-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

After my first week of work, I'm giving my brain a little bit of a break and making a few lists of "Seven Things". Feel free to share some of yours!

"Seven Favorite Things"
1. My Family. I know, I know. Cliche. But I'm pretty lucky that I adore my family, love spending time with them, and have fun with living with my parents. I have wonderful, strong, compassionate parents; loving, patient and honest siblings; and fun, lively, warm sibling-in-laws. We're pretty awesome, not even going to lie about it.

2. Music. Shocking, I know. I love how no matter what kind of mood I'm in, I can find music that will help. I love when lyrics illustrate my life so perfectly. I love when I can emotionally connect to a song, when vocals blow me away.

3. Books. One of my favorite places to go is the library, get lose in the aisles and come out with these amazing books that will take me far, far away. I enjoy reading, finding new books, and discovering things about myself and the characters.

4. American Idol. This show just makes me so darn happy. It works. It gives us new music, gives people a chance for their dream. My favorite this season? Casey. <3

5. Road Trips. There is nothing like getting in the car, music up, windows down, driving for miles and miles. There is something about it- maybe feeling free, alive. I love seeing new things, meeting new people, and all the hilarious stories that go along with road trips. Having your best friend in the passenger side, driving through unknown territory and laughing until your tummies hurt makes the perfect road trip.

6. Documentaries. This is actually a very recent favorite thing of mine, but now I'm kind of addicted. I found free, legit documentaries on Hulu a few weeks ago and have been watching as many as possible ever since. I watched one on all the girls who have played "Annie" in the Broadway/touring companies, and what happens to them after they leave the show (which is usually...nothing. Unless your name is Sarah Jessica Parker). Quite interesting.

7. Summer. Now that I'm working, I won't really have my summer...but summer is still one of my favorite things, favorite memories. The smell of "outside", jumping in the pool, flip flops, BBQ, summer concerts, sun kissed cheeks.

Seven Things I Am Looking Forward To:
1. Getting a start on my job.
2. Easter! One of my favorite holiday's- celebrating Jesus. Sad we won't be in Florida, but excited for family time.
3. Getting back on Twitter/Facebook :-)
4. Warmer weather
5. Spring releases- my favorite author is releasing her new book soon, and there are some good album releases coming out as well.
6. Retreat for my work May 19-20th
7. Building a life for myself

The following lists are all RECENT. I have thousands of favorite books and music, but these are recent.

Seven Of My Favorite Books

1. God Loves Ugly, Christa Black
2. Left Neglected, Lisa Genova
3. These Things Hidden, Heather Gudenkauf
4. Marcelo In The Real World, Fransico Stork
5. Backseat Saints, Joshilyn Jackson
6. I'd Know You Anywhere, Laura Lippman
7. ROOM, Emma Donoghue

Seven of my Favorite Albums
1. What If We Were Real, Mandisa
2. 21, Adele
3. Doo Wops and Hooligans, Bruno Mars
4. Speak Now, Taylor Swift
5. Love 101 (Live), Melinda Doolittle
6. Farmers Daughter, Crystal Bowersox
7. Kaleidoscope Heart, Sara Barielles

Reality.

2011-04-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

This is the true story. Of one girl, hired for her first full time job. Find out what happens when her life turns around, and starts getting real. The Real World: Megan.

All this week, I have been training for my new job. (For those who don't know, I was recently hired as a volunteer coordinator for a hospice. My job is to recruit, retain, and recognize volunteers to be companions for our patients. In a nutshell). This is not only my new job, but my first real job. 9-5. Salary. Benefits. AKA, reality. No more volunteering, no more part time hours. It really hit me when I received my work cell phone yesterday, as well as my badge. I'm in the real world. I was so excited I texted some of my family/friends. I got this back from my brother in law, Dave.

"Welcome to no vacation, no pay, and long hours".

Gee. Thanks, Dave. That's quite a welcome. I know I'll love my job, but I alos know he's right. Reality. I'm ecstatic. I've been waiting for this for a few years. It's slightly terrifying, I'll admit. This week I have been slammed with information. Each day I brought home a new huge pile of papers to read through. And I haven't even really started yet! I've learned about the company, the roles within the company, the policies of the company. After a few more days of training and shadowing others with my position, I'll be plopped into my office, they will cut the chord. Time to work.

This is a complete transition from the life I was living a few weeks ago. I went from chasing four little kids around a house, steaming green beans and picking up a playroom to sitting in meetings all day and learning how to evaluate patients and volunteers. Like I said, I'm excited. The team has been more than welcoming, I am learning and taking in all kinds of information. I have ideas, millions of questions, and enthusiasm. I'm growing up. Making and saving my own, hard earned money. I'm adapting this whole new lifestyle. This week I worked out a work out plan that I will adhere to, forcing myself to go straight to the gym after work 3-4 days a week.

Please keep me in your prayers as I begin this new chapter in my life. I'm sure I'll be a little bit of a mess these first few weeks as I tiptoe around and try to figure things out, but also hit the ground running on some of the projects I have in mind.

Reality...I'm ready for ya.

Quiet

2011-04-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

I'm a quiet person. I always have been. I talked about this a little in my "L" post when I touched on "listening", how I spent so much of my childhood not speaking and just listening. I'm still pretty quiet. Once I get to know you, I can talk your ear off, but it takes me a little bit. The exception to this is when I'm very passionate about a subject. During one of my first few weeks at my old job, one of my old co-workers said "So, do you ever talk or...". I hadn't noticed I wasn't speaking up as much, it just seemed normal to me. I didn't know these people, why bore them with my life story. And the thing is? Most of the time it's not that I'm nervous or don't want to talk. It's that I don't know what to say, or I think people don't care what I have to say. I have had to sort of push myself and remind myself of my worth, and that what I say does matter. It's an ongoing process.

Different from my personal quiet attitude, I enjoy my quiet time in general. I mentioned yesterday I have little patience and have problems being completly still. But there are moments where I so need my quiet. I need to take a step back from everything going on and just enjoy the peace. Last year, I went on a silent retreat, by myself, for three days. Did I get bored? Kind of. But it was so necessary for me to just recharge my batteries. I didn't speak to anyone, I just sat and wrote in my journal or prayed. It was a beautiful experience. I really recommend to everyone to spend at least 5 minutes in silence, every day. Turn off computers, tv, music, and just BE. You might surprise yourself.

<3

Patience...Or Lack Thereof

2011-04-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

The good Lord did not bless me with patience. It is probably my biggest flaw. I can't wait for anything. I am a complete wreck when I have to wait for news. So you can imagine how lovely I was during all my "transition stages" in life- waiting for college acceptance, MVC acceptance, job offers. Yeah, it wasn't pretty. Traffic? WATCH. OUT. During American Idol result shows I have to keep myself occupied by writing or helping my mom grade her papers. I can't teach my mom anything on the computer without my blood boiling when she doesn't understand. I yell at kids I babysit for when they take too long putting their shoes on. My kids at Cristo Rey caught onto my impatience immediately (is that irony?) and used it against me. They knew how much it irked me if a group of them all asked me a question at once or continuously asked me the same question over and over. They enjoyed seeing me get angry and would purposely do things to test my patience.

I envy those with patience. I wish I could sit still and wait calmly. I can't. I've tried, and believe it or not I have improved. Sorta. I still always have to be up and doing something, rarely taking time to just be still. Those of you who are able to do so, able to have a free mind and relaxed body while waiting, I applaud you. Don't take it for granted.

Maybe it's because most of my jobs have been so fast paced, or the generation I grew up in (we have EVERYTHING we need at our fingertips with computers and phones)...or maybe it's just me. I was born this way, baby. Maybe I can learn to be patient....I think God has certainly been testing me latley with this. I just don't know I've done so well on those tests.

My question for you all is this: Are you a patient person? How do you do it? Do you have a technique or is it just the way you are? Can patience be taught? Will you teach me?

One Hit Wonder

2011-04-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

Aah, One Hit Wonders. A musical miracle :) People laugh, but we've had some darn good one hit wonders out there. It's a shame the artists who create them just disappear into thin air. (Sorry if I mention one of your favorites but you still follow them. I know how that feels). It's funny what people consider to be One Hit Wonders. Like, most people say Hanson...and while they aren't making hits, per say, they are still making incredible music. I also looked up a list on wikipedia and bands like Jimmy Eat World and Green Day were mentioned. I also don't even want to mention how many "idol castoffs" were on this list. Uh....anyhoo. Here are some of my favorite one hit wonders. Enjoy!

Black Velvet, Alannah Myles

Closing Time, Semisonic

Ice Ice Baby, Vanilla Ice

99 Red Balloons, Nena

Video Killed the Radio Star, the Buggles

How Do You Talk To An Angel, The Heights

Breakfast at Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something

Also, I was totally convinced that both Ke$ha and Katy Perry would be One Hit Wonders. Sorry, ladies. Enjoy your multiple number one hits.

Do you have a favorite?

Neighborhood

2011-04-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

I asked my family (parents and brother) for a little help on an "N" post. Each of them immediately responded "Notre Dame". Yeah, right. Look I love Notre Dame and all, but not nearly as much as my family does. So I will say this: Cheer Cheer for Old Notre Dame. Thanks for bringing my family such happiness. Rah rah.

Moving on...

My neighborhood growing up was your typical, suburban neighborhood. Every house looked exactly the same, except a different color. It was full of families and little kids, sidewalks and fenced in yards. When I think of my childhood I think of summer days outside on the lawn, playing with all our little neighborhood friends. We were the rare "Catholic school kids", holding that title with only two other families in the neighborhood. My friend Amy did go to the same school as I did, she was a year younger than me. We played...every day. At least, it feels that way. I remember riding my bike to her house and spending hours playing paper dolls, Mary-Kate and Ashley (I was Mary-Kate), barbies, etc. We also used to pretend to be the babysitters club. When it started to get dark, her mom would walk me halfway around the block, where we would meet my dad and he'd walk me the rest of the way home.

Summer days in my neighborhood were so much fun. All the kids would come out and played roller hockey (my brother and his friends once constructed a Stanley Cup out of tin foil and water bottles), Capture the Flag, tag, baseball, etc. We'd ride our bikes to the park, go for walks, play basketball in someones driveway. Nothing mattered. Our job was to have fun, and we excelled at having fun. Oh sure, their were tears. Their were cliques. Once, I was sitting on my lawn, watching three of my little friends play across the street. I yelled to one who lived there "hey! Can you play today!". Do you believe she had the nerve to look right at me and say "no"? When she already HAD friends over? Her mom yelled at her, and our two other friends came running over to comfort me. Take that, Rebecca.

When I got a little older, I was introduced to three girls who I had never played with when I was younger. For some reason, my brother and I always stuck to a few houses of kids. We never even looked the other way down the street unless we were riding our bikes. So imagine my surprise when I discovered three girls very close to my age- two a year older, one a year younger. I met Katie first. She went to my school too and I think our moms set up a play date. Katie was so different than my other friends- much more mature, calm. Her dad was very sick with cancer, and passed away the summer we became friends. Because I met her when I was older, it wasn't cool to "play" anymore, so I really just remember us talking for hours and listening to music. Then Katie introduced me to HER next door neighbors, Jamie and Lindsay. They were sisters. I met them in a tree house eating turkey sandwhiches. We formed this sort of instant bond. I have a very clear memory of watching Hanson videos in their basement very quickly into our friendship. I didn't live in that neighborhood long after knowing Jamie, Lindsay, and Katie, but I do remember that, in the time I had left, it was spent with them. Especially walks and bike rides. I went to an Nsync concert with them, too. My first concert ever.

After I moved out of that neighborhood, I stayed very close with Jamie and Lindsay. We still had sleepovers and nights out at the mall or going to see a movie. We went on trips together, talked on the phone and through IM. I still consider them to be two of my best friends, even though I don't get to see them as much anymore.

My new neighborhood couldn't compare to what I had in Troy- not because of the people, but because of my age. You just can't run around all day with your friends once you hit high school. I did spend my 8th grade year wandering around with the few friends I had here, but we were not interested in playing baseball or riding bikes. We were looking for boys. However, I do notice the tons and tons of little kids in this neighborhood hanging out with their friends on warm days. And it makes me smile, knowing how happy and carefree they are. Soon they will grow up and move on, I just hope they remember how special it is to live in a neighborhood where all you have to worry about is whether or not the ice cream truck is going to come by that day.

I'm wondering- did you have this kind of neighborhood growing up?

me myself and I!

2011-04-15T17:55:00.000-07:00

ME.

Perhaps this is self-absorbed, but I try to mix it up. I've talked about other people, books, music, places, and concepts. I thought today I'd just give some fun facts about good old Megan. Enjoy.

-My parents thought that I was going to be a boy and were SET on naming me Danny (after the song "Danny Boy"). Surprise! They named me Megan because of it's Irish roots. My mom also once told me that at the time she didn't think it was a popular name. Surprise again. It was one of the most popular names of 1987. Oops.

-I people watch. All. the. time. Do the creep! I've almost fallen of the treadmill at the gym many a time watching people. Yep, I'm that girl.

-One of my nicknames in college was "Jesus Jr" because I was "always saving people".

-I'm not good at it, but I love to dance. And sing. God did not bless me with a voice or dance moves, but that doesn't stop me.

-I have never learned to play an instrument but have always wanted too. One of the first things I plan on buying when I make money is a cheap, beginner acoustic guitar. I'd also love to learn piano.

-When I buy a new album, I obsess over it for approximately two-three weeks. Then I put it away because I can't stand it anymore...sooner or later I'll take it out again and obsess. It's kind of a vicious cycle. Right now I'm back to Taylor Swift's "Speak Now" after taking a two month rest.

-For three-four years now I've said I've wanted a tattoo, but then changed what I wanted. Drastically. So it's a good thing I never went through with it a few years ago.

-I'm pretty much just a big kid at heart. I get excited easily over little things. But, in other ways, I'm an old soul. I relate to people older than me really well. It's strange. I've never quite felt my age. Either drastically younger or older.

-When I was a little kid, I really wanted a black baby doll. One of the parents in the neighborhood told my mom not to buy it, because it was "wrong". When I first heard that story (I was probably 12) I was so mad I wanted to punch someone. I didn't (and still don't) understand- why the HELL is that wrong?

-I have guessed people's thoughts many times. My roommates in college were freaked out by it. I usually just know how people are feeling and what they are going to say. It's a little scary sometimes.

-I would not be able to get through my days without music. (Currently listening to Lady Antebellum's Need You Now album).

-I will drive out of my way for Starbucks. Sometimes to just sit there and write, most of the time for that AND a skinny vanilla latte.

-I have had SEVERAL friends stab me in the back. I've often wondered what I've done wrong for this to happen. I still have no idea.

-I just asked my mom to describe me and she said "Big eyes, sensitive and thoughtful soul. Intuitive". I'll take that :)

-I will not eat anything with BBQ Sauce. Ew. I also despise Sweet Tea. Sorry, south!

-I cry all the time. Commercials, songs, stories. Doesn't take much! Today I cried when I heard Taylor Swift bought her parents a house as a thank you gift.

-I wouldn't mind if it rained every single day. I LOVE rain. Then again, I do love the sunshine. Maybe a good combination of both. With no snow, at all.

-I am extremely nostalgic and hate any kind of change. I get weird when things have to change.

-I watch Bad Girls Club. Not only do I watch it, but I invest myself in it. Probably my biggest guilty pleasure.

-Even though I can't sing, I do killer impressions of other artists. Recently I've pulled off Nicki Minaj (I LOVE HER OKAY), Haley from American Idol, and Adam Lambert. And I must say...I am quite a good rapper.

-I used to want to be an actress, and I'd still jump at the chance to do some acting. Theatre intrigues me.

-I have never broken a bone or been stung by a bee. I have sprained an ankle, though.

-I have only ever lived in Michigan. I love this state, and the city of Detroit, but I'd also be willing to get out in a few years, see something new.

-Mental illness fascinates me. I read books, fiction and non fiction, on the topic. So interesting how different people are affected!

-I have met several American Idol contestants, including Kelly Clarkson. Also met Lady Antebellum, Hanson, and Taylor Swift.

-In high school my friends and I made a really silly video to submit to Oprah for me to meet her. We never received a response. However, one year in college, I wrote a letter to Tyra Banks saying they needed to have plus size girls on America's Next Top Model. Few weeks later? Got her autograph. Next season of ANTM? Plus size girl won. I'M. JUST. SAYING. Take that, OPRAH!

-I've never been one of those girls who plans out their entire wedding years before marriage is actually in the cards. C'mon now.

-Never cheated on a test or forged a signature.

-I think I have the movies "Miss Congeniality" and "Mean Girls" memorized. I once watched Mean Girls 9 times in a week.

-I did a year of Catholic volunteer service at a low-income high school in Detroit. It was the most amazing, eye-opening experience of my entire life. I love this kids to DEATH.

Lesson on L Words

2011-04-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

I have a few favorite "L" words. Rather than choosing one, I wanted to share them with you.

LEARN. It makes me sad that I don't "love to learn" as much as I used to. I was one of those kids who actually enjoyed school. Soaking in all new information, facts, history, methods, etc was always so interesting to me. (Except math, but that's a totally different story!). In college I truly enjoyed going to class and then sitting in the library/computer lab for hours on end, researching and writing papers. Call me crazy, but it was just sort of like stepping out of my own world and taking pleasure in what was going on elsewhere. These days, I don't have that same drive. I have a few theories- I'm no longer in a "school setting", therefore am not learning in the traditional sense. Still, I could make up for that by reading more news stories or watching history/travel channels. I just don't. Another theory is that I, like so many of us, have been consumed by pop culture. I need to remind myself that Idol's latest castoff isn't NEWS, isn't learning. I've been brainwashed in that sense, checking gossip sites more frequently than CNN. I need to remember there's a difference between entertainment and lifestyle. Wow, that got waaaay off track, but you get the jist. I hope. Anyways, one of the greatest feelings in the world is when you've learned something, mastered a skill- OR the ability to teach others. I guess I'm more in that role now. But you better believe, at my orientation for my new job on Monday, I will be sitting as close to the speaker as possible, hanging on every word they say, furiously writing and hi-lighting.

LISTEN. I've always considered myself a strong listener. This may be totally wrong, but I believe it is because of my shyness as a kid. I didn't talk much, but I was always listening. I became pretty fascinated with human emotion and interaction. I'm really good at knowing how people are feeling. I try to give advice, but mostly I just listen. I think that was what connected me to the Cristo Rey kids so well last year. On a completely different note, I am constantly listening to music. I can't have it playing too loudly, though, because I need to hear every word and I feel cranking the volume sort of takes away from that. Also, I can't listen to more than one thing at a time. I need to stay totally focused while listening. Example- when I was not living at home, sometimes I'd be on the phone with my mom, typing on my computer, AND listening to music softly. She'd pause for my response and I'd have to say "wait, what?". I need to put myself in a place where I can listen completely. Oh, and one of my BIGGEST pet peeves? NOT listening. That is the number one thing that frustrates me with kids I babysit for, or my students...also the number one reason I could NOT be a teacher :) I'd probably throw something at a kid who refused to listen.

LAUGH. One of my favorite sounds in the world is laughter. It's also one of my favorite feelings. I love the different ways people laugh, and when someone has a really ridiculously loud laugh, they are automatically one of my favorite people. (Hey Alicia!). I really miss college if only for the reason of all the nights I laughed until I cried. (Once I laughed until I threw up. And yes, I was sober. It was just that funny). What gets me the most is when a little kid bursts into giggles. The other night when I was babysitting, my mom came over for dinner. She knows the family quite well, and they were excited to have A TEACHER come over for dinner. When she came to the door, their decibel level reached a whole new level of high. It instantly put a smile on my face to hear them giggle like that. Aah, to be so carefree. I try to make it a point to laugh every day. Even on the bad days. Lucky for me that's pretty easy, my parents provide plenty of comic relief. ("I can't talk to you right now, I have to eat my ice cream"-My mom). But sometimes it's a little harder, especially when I was sitting at home all day job hunting. So I'd seek it out. Look at old pictures, read old blogs, talk to a friend, watch a youtube video. Laughter is truly the best medicine, in my opinion.

LET GO. This little two word phrase has been a favorite of mine since high school. I heard someone say "Let go and Let God" and it pretty much rocked my world. That's been my mantra ever since. I don't always follow through with it, but for the most part, when I'm buried deep in stress and worry, I can tell myself "let go" enough times, and I finally do. I also think it is important to "let go" of the things bringing you down- whether that be friends, negative thoughts, job, etc. There's no use keeping a constant negative in your life. Let go and replace it with a positive. People so often see letting go as a weakness, but in reality, if you are strong enough to let go, you can handle anything. Don't be afraid.

LOVE. Love always. Love first. Love hard. Love carefully. Choose love. ETC, ETC, ETC. I consider myself a very loving person. I am not afraid to tell the people in my life how much I love them. Perhaps my actions don't always show it (ie, making plans, phone calls, etc), but I do my best. I don't see a point in judging and I try to give everyone a chance. As far as "in love". I don't know if I've ever been in love. I've been close. There have been boys around. But in recent years I've realized that I truly need to work on myself, my self esteem, etc before I can ever love someone else. Basically, I need to love myself first. And it has taken me a long time to get to that point. I'm not even sure I am fully there. But I know that my "perfect guy" is there somewhere. I know I have time. And, luckily for me, I am surrounded by couples who are perfect examples of love. My parents and siblings are in these amazing, strong, faithful relationships that give me hope.

LIVE. When it comes down to it, we only have once chance to make this right. Tomorrow is never promised, so live for today. One of my favorite Spill Canvas songs quotes "live for the moment now". I try to remember that throughout each day. Be you. Live your life. No sense in wasting it. Some people don't get the chance, but you do. Take it. Dare. I have really, really worked on putting this into full practice. If I can't sleep at night, I write down the things on my mind, and next to them ways to fix or eliminate them. Then they can no longer consume my every thought and I can live my life freely. Remember what is important in life, and just live.

Sharing a song with you because it's been in my head since I sat down to right this...and it's relevant.

Kairos!

2011-04-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

I had a really, really difficult time with this one. Only a few ideas came to mind for a K post, none of them I was too passionate about. In the end, I went with

KAIROS.

What is Kairos, you query? Well. In the eyes of a high school student (at least, at Catholic schools who participate) It is a four day retreat with your classmates, usually during your senior year of high school. It's pretty intense...emotionally, that is. It's meant to be a time where you break down barriers and take time out of your busy schedule to get to know yourself, your classmates, and God. Each day is focused on something different, and all the activities revolve around those topics. The final day is focused on LOVE, and how to put everything you learned into action. One of the very special parts of the retreat is that all forms of technology and time are taken away from the retreatants. Only the adults and student leaders know what time it is, and time increments are measured using your hands. Example? You would say you have this much time (holding your hands facing each other just a short distance apart) to go to the bathroom. Or You have this much time (holding your hands larger apart) to go for a walk and write in your journal. Another one of the greatest parts of Kairos? It's all a secret. Well, it's meant to be. Sometimes people ~knew things. But for the most part, no one has any idea what to expect. Which is why I can't share many of the fabulous, wonderful things that happen on the retreat. I would hate to spoil it for someone who randomly stumbles on this blog.

I went on Kairos as a junior...I was sort of hoping to be accepted as a Kairos Leader the next year for my class. I say hoping because I really wasn't sure. I felt "the call" but wasn't confident about it. anyways, That is also pretty routine. At our high school, there were four separate Kairos retreats. The class is split up into equal numbers and you are assigned your dates. But, if you are a junior and interested in being a leader, you must apply to go on the spring Kairos as a junior. I was one of those juniors, and I must say I was pretty terrified. I wasn't friends with many people in the senior class, and I wasn't sure they would care what I had to say or value my opinion. I was wrong. I actually grew very close with all the girls, especially the leaders, whom I admired greatly. My first experience on Kairos wasn't life changing, though. I had a great time, I learned a little more about myself and my faith, but I was underwhelmed. All through high school I had heard I would come back a changed person, and I didn't. Everything just went back to normal.

However, it would be my 2nd time on Kairos that I would truly find meaning and hope. I was accepted to be a leader for Kairos. A HUGE honor. I was selected to lead the first Kairos for our class. I wasn't allowed to tell any of my friends, especially those going on the retreat. I was leading with some of my best friends, so that made it kind of difficult. We were always whispering and having meetings. Anyhoo. One of the major responsibilities of the leaders is to give a talk to the group. We were each assigned different topics. I was assigned a new topic, one that our pastoral minister wanted to introduce to Kairos- God's Friendship. I was given a few basic guidelines, but basically, your talk is supposed to come straight from the heart. I don't know if I've ever written something so honest as I did for my Kairos talk. I spoke out some of the things I was struggling with (none of which my classmates were aware of, because I kept it hidden), some of the beautiful friendships that I had in my life, and how my experiences at Mercy had helped me to find my faith. Mrs. MacLennan (my pastoral minister) helped me to go over and over my talk, making sure it was right. We made very little changes and I felt good about it-until I had to actually give it. I still remember the moments just before I gave my talk. I walked into the room, sat at the little white table facing empty chairs, and said a prayer. At that moment, Mrs. Mac walked in. She could tell I was nervous, and she said "You wrote a wonderful talk, Megan. Ask the Holy Spirit to be with you.". I did. And guess what? My talk went perfectly. I spoke with confidence and grace, that I never knew I had in me. I held back tears, but overall, I felt so accomplished and relieved. After my talk, I looked up and there was a line of girls formed around the table for hugs. One of them was a girl who I had grown up with, but we were NEVER friends. She hugged me so tight, kissed me on the head, and said I inspired her. In that moment, I knew I had done the right thing by answering God's call to attend Kairos.

Another huge responsibility of the leaders is to lead a small group of classmates. Myself and the fellow leaders spent 4 hours one afternoon dividing up the retreatants into groups. We couldn't have best friends with each other, we couldn't pick our own best friends. I spoke up, very clearly, to say "I don't mind who is in my group, but I need her to be in it."..as I picked up a name of another girl I had grown up with. We HAD been best friends, but once we hit high school we fell apart. We weren't on speaking terms. I knew it was a risk putting her in my group, but I felt like it would be good. My small group kicked so much ass (sorry, but we did). I fell in love with them. We shared stories, they were all so strong. Ironically enough, one of our activities was to make friendship bracelets for one other person in our group. Who's name did I pick? You betcha. I spent so much time on her bracelet, picking colors that meant something. (forgiveness, friendship, trust, etc). I loved my group. We stayed close throughout the rest of our senior year. In fact, I still have a picture we all took together on Graduation night.

Besides my small group and giving my talk, leading Kairos WAS truly an overall incredible experience. I learned SO much about myself and my classmates. I am still, to this day, so thankful for God for that experience. I still have my Kairos cross. Still have my journal, and my talk.

I know many of you won't be able to connect to this post, and that's okay. I just needed to remember what a special time that was for me.

HEY. I found a journal entry from back then...This is me, circa 2004.

I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. Leading Kairos was, hands down, the most amazing experience. It was just...beautiful. All of the girls on the retreat taught me so much, they are all beautiful, intelligent and amazing. I just wanted to thank everyone who went on Kairos, you have no idea how much I love and admire each and every one of you. To my fellow leaders...Andie, Aria, Heather, Staci, and Kaits...we made it. It was hard work, yes, but girls I love you and you're awesome and I had such a good time with you guys...high kicks, good deeders, ya know. the usual. :) im on that like mayo on a sandwhich.

Live The Fourth.

Jasmine

2011-04-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

Last year, when I began my year of service at Detroit Cristo Rey High School, I knew I would get attached to students. I also knew pretty early on that one of those students would be Jasmine. Maybe it was because she was the first student I met, but I could just tell that she was special. (Note: I do love all my students I worked with last year. Every single one.)

Jasmine and I formed an instant bond. I learned, during one of our initial conversations, that she lost her mother at a young age and was raised by her sweet grandmother. I learned of her love for Michael Jackson, mainly because her mom loved him. His music gave her hope. Wise beyond her years, she was constantly holding mature, genuine conversations with me. She was so beyond the petty drama that the majority of her classmates were involved with, she loved getting to know her teachers on a personal level. She's funny, intuitive, and compassionate. She cares about other people and is not afraid to show it, which is rare for a high school student. We also shared a mutual love for music. We were always introducing each other to different songs and artists, writing down lyrics that we found inspiring. I remember one day in particular, when I casually mentioned Melinda Doolittle, Jasmine burst into tears. She told me that Melinda was her favorite Idol contestant ever, that Melinda had inspired her and helped her to have faith and hope. Sound familiar?

Our respect and admiration for Melinda and music was not the only thing we had in common. Jasmine and I just had this genuine understanding for each other. Even though she was my student, she looked out for me just as much as I looked out for her. Once, I was having a really really horrible day. She and another amazing student of mine, Marisa, pulled their desks up to mine so I couldn't leave the room. They said, very seriously "Talk, Miss Carolin. You're always listening to our problems, we want to hear yours". It was one of the sweetest things my students ever did for me, even though I couldn't exactly tell them what was bothering me, I made sure they knew I was grateful. I was also always looking out for Jasmine. I knew some days were hard for her, not only because of her circumstances but because she WAS so mature and grown up.

Jasmine and I had several other "moments" like the one I just mentioned. Another favorite of mine is when we were at the Garden Party, a fundraiser for the school, and the President of the board came to speak to the two of us. She said "You know, you two kind of look alike". We both smiled and nodded, not responding because we both knew- we don't look anything alike. I mean...at all. As soon as she walked away, we burst out laughing. Jasmine turned to me and said "It's because you're like my big sister". That meant the world to me. In a way, though, I know what the comment meant. We don't look alike, but we are a lot alike. Jasmine reminds me so much of myself when I was in high school- except she probably handles situations with much more grace than I did. But we share similar values, thoughts, and beliefs.

Jasmine is going to make an incredible impact on this world. She already has, with her sweet spirit, love for life, and passion for helping others. I can't wait to see where she goes from here. Jasmine, thank you for being a breath of fresh air during my year of service. Even though I am not there every day, I do think of you and keep you in my prayers. You continue to make me so so proud :)

Oh, to give you an example of how mature and gracious Jasmine is, here is part of one of the letters she gave me at the end of the year. (I left out part of it that talks about her struggles last year, for her sake).

Dear Miss Carolin,
The previous letter given to you by me was rushed and not appropriately written for a person of your caliber. You are a gift from Our Father an an over all joy to be around. You are giving, free spirited, and loving. You have a personality to die for. It has been a pleasure to have you here. I will never forget you. I will miss you. Love your dear friend and lil sister, Jasmine.

I Am....

2011-04-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

A-Z Challenge
I Am Poem

"I Am"
I am compassionate and intuitive
I wonder what they think of me
I hear a child playing gleefully
I see a kitchen full of children's art
I want to be free
I am compassionate and intuitive

I pretend to be confident
I feel anxious and curious
I touch the familiar coffee cup
I worry about getting it right
I cry when others cry
I am compassionate and intuitive

I understand God's unconditional love
I say stop the hate
I dream for a peaceful life
I try to be positive
I hope everything is in it's place
I am compassionate and intuitive.

Hanson

2011-04-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry I'm posting this a day late, but I was Up North yesterday morning-this afternoon at Higgins Lake with this year's Mercy Volunteers and two of the Cap volunteers. We had a wonderful time, so thankful they invited me to join on the mini vacay! We have had BEAUTIFUL weather here in Detroit this weekend. 70 degrees and sunny today!

I'm currently babysitting for a family of four. I got here 2pm this afternoon and leaving 9 am Tuesday morning. I've done overnight sitting before, but never for four kids. I was a little nervous, but as of right now, it is 8:15 pm, all the kids are fed, showered, and in bed! Score one for me. Next battle? Getting the two oldest ready for school in the morning. Wish me luck.

Anyways, my H post is...drum roll please...

HANSON.

During the "welcome home" ceremony for sorority recruitment in the fall of my sophomore year, my friend Betsy and I stood together in the bleachers, anxiously watching the potential new members. We were eager to see which girls were going to choose our house as their sorority. We particularly had our eyes on a girl named Sam. Sam was a transfer student, coming to WMU as a junior. We held each others hands tight when it was Sam's turn to "run home". And cheered-loudly- when she came running towards Delta Gamma. Later that night, in the comfort of our little sorority house, we played "get to know you games" and chatted up the new members. I will always remember someone asking Sam her favorite band/music, and Sam, boldly and proudly, answering "Hanson".

"HANSON? Like...MMMBOP?" We all asked. But Sam stood strong. She loved Hanson. I didn't even know they were still making music. I just assumed they disappeared sometime after 1998 and never came back. I was wrong. Sam constantly talked about them, and it peaked my interest. One day I went home and started looking up their music. I was literally amazed by what I found. They were indeed still making music- fantastic music. Genius music. Music with meaning, solid lyrics and beautiful harmonies. I would casually ask Sam questions about them, and she had all the answers.

Eventually, my friendship with Sam grew stronger. We ended up living together the next year and were pretty much inseparable. Our common love for Idol and music, among other things, made us two peas in a pod. She even showed me some documentaries Hanson had done, which were intriguing and impressive. We went to several concerts together that year, including a few Hanson shows. As if I was not already impressed, I became a loyal, dedicated fan after seeing the boys live. The passion that they put into their music and their fans was unlike anything I had ever seen before.

Here's the special thing about Hanson. They are not just your typical indie band. They've been tossed around in the music business quite a few times, people trying to stop them from making true music. Their label refused over 80 songs from them before the band went Indie. Aside from their belief in honest songwriting and in themselves, they do an incredible amount of charity work. Their album "The Walk" signifies this. When they did "The Walk Tour", they organized fans, before every show, to walk one mile, barefoot, across the city they were performing. This was to signify the children in Africa and what they go through on a daily basis.

I can't force you to like this music, but I can suggest you listen to it, and give them a chance. I will post my favorite song from each studio album (excluding the Christmas album, even though that is my favorite Christmas album ever). I hope you listen, because this is some good, honest music with significant meaning and brilliant vocals and instruments to back it up.

My favorite song from "Middle of Nowhere" is "I Will Come To You". Here is a live version, from many, many years after MON was actually released. Enjoy.

My favorite song from "This Time Around" is "Can't Stop", because it is so fun to rock out to :)

From "Underneath", my favorite song is "Lost Without Each other"

The Walk is such an intriguing album. The songs are so unique. I'm posting two songs...Great Divide and Watch Over Me (probably my favorite Hanson song, ever).

And finally, Shout It Out. My FAVORITE Hanson album. It's a little tougher to pick a song for this one, but I decided on "Carry You There".

I hope you enjoyed. And Sam, thank you for reintroducing me to this incredibly talented musicians!

God Loves Ugly- Christa Black

2011-04-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

Book Review: God Loves Ugly, Christa Black.

I first became familiar with Christa Black in November of 2007, when Jordin Sparks debut album was released. I was a fan of Jordin, and took time to put her album in and listen carefully to each track. When I got to the song titled "God Loves Ugly", I was overcome with emotion. The words touched my heart. I quickly grabbed the CD inset to find out who wrote the song- and read the name Christa Black. I logged onto myspace to find out more about Christa, and when I found her page, I found it was full of compassion and inspiration. I followed her ever since, discovering her incredible writing abilities and the way she related to young women, giving them hope. Most people know of Christa through her work with the Jonas Brothers, as a member of their band on a world tour. During that tour, Christa began writing blogs that touched on topics such as self esteem, eating disorders, faith in God, etc. Those blogs turned into a book, appropriately titled after the life changing song, God Loves Ugly.

Within just the first couple pages of God Loves Ugly, I was completely taken aback by the truth and wisdom in Christa’s writing. So much so, in fact, that I often had to put the book down and take a break. By the middle of the book, I almost didn’t pick it back up again. I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear what I had been shushing all these years. Thankfully, I picked it back up, kept reading, and kept learning about myself. Christa’s writing is not only beautiful, but honest and daring. She shared her story, intertwined with snippets of advice and encouragement. It takes a strong person to be able to pour her heart out the way that Christa did in this book. She did it with grace. Through her stories, her struggle with eating disorders (both a food addiction and bulimia), struggling to fit in, and discovering that she was truly worthy of love, I have found a new hope. The book is relatable, inspiring, and gives hope to all those suffering any form of addiction of self hate that freedom is waiting for them.

I really believe every woman should read this book. While it is aimed at young women and teenagers, everyone will be able to relate to the stories and testimonies. The book will change the way you view yourself, not only with Christa's words of advice and inspiration but the helpful "your turn" section at each end of the chapter, where Christa encourages you to ask the questions that are in the way of finding freedom. I'm not sure that I have ever read a book so hopeful and honest, so invested in its readers and truly wanting them to better themselves and to realize their worth.

Do not be afraid to read this book. I can promise you, it will help you through your struggles. You are loved.

Fort Walton Beach, Florida

2011-04-07T14:14:00.001-07:00

I had to go to my friend Jena (check out her blog. She is a fantastic writer) for advice on today's blog. I had so many ideas and no clue where to begin. Jena's response? I think it just depends on what mood strikes you when you sit down to write. Amen.

For as long as I can remember, my family has been traveling to Ft. Walton Beach, FL every Easter. And when I say family, I do mean- FAMILY. We took over! It used to be that when you pulled up to the gates of the El Matador (the condominiums which we rented), you could say “Carolin” and the guard would just laugh and wave you you through. My Dad, the youngest of seven, has been going there his entire life. It’s a tradition, it’s a memory, it’s an escape. My parents actually met in Ft. Walton when they were both on vacation there. Year later, it would be the location my brother-in-law proposed to my sister, and where my brother and sister-in-law had their honeymoon. So, Ft. Walton is pretty special to me. Unfortunately, I have not been able to go since I was 16, A junior in high school. I did a service trip my senior year, and then my college spring breaks never lined up correctly. So, Ft Walton is slowly becoming a distant memory. That breaks my heart, because for the longest time I could just close my eyes and imagine myself on the beach. It’s tougher for me to do that now. I am distracted by all the memories crushed in between my precious Ft Walton and I.

Here is what I do remember… I remember our usual condo in Building 3, with my mom’s parent’s right across the sidewalk. I remember the smell of the ocean combined with sunscreen and aloe. I remember the palm trees and the pure white snow. I remember the tall white buildings with the red roofs. I remember the Y shaped pool. I remember playing outside in the grassy areas after a day of swimming and mini golf. I remember shrimp sandwiches and raw oysters from the High Tide. I remember my grandpa forcing me to try black butter on my shrimp, saying I was not truly his granddaughter if I didn’t like butter. I remember spending hours in the ocean. I remember my uncle fishing further down the beach. I remember every year looking for my brother’s ninja turtles which he had lost in the sand when he was little. I remember the water park, the souvenir shops, the mall (it had a carousel inside that always amazed me as a kid). I remember being terrified of go Karts…and when my sister’s friends forced me to go on them when I was a little older, I remember crashing. Yes. I crashed. In a go Kart. I remember my sister’s friends then buying me ice cream and one of them hugging me while I cried. I remember Easter mass. Waking up early to find eggs scattered across the condo, putting on an Easter dress and headed to mass, surrounded by aunts, uncles, and cousins. I remember brunch afterwards at Jo and Eddie’s, a kind of dirty little diner that we could never stay away from. They had the best chocolate chip pancakes I have ever had. I remember one very special trip where I drove down with my cousin Patrick and his son, Laurence. That would be the trip that bonded Laurence and I, and I held a very special place in my heart ever since then. I love that kid, may he rest in sweet peace.

I remember, when I got older, that I was allowed to bring friends with me. The first year I brought Jamie and Lindsay. I remember our long walks at night with sunburned cheeks and hoodies, sitting on the boardwalk and laughing at the other teenagers who were drinking. I remember us laughing until we cried every single night before we fell asleep, taking turns who had to sleep on the floor. I remember the car ride with them there and back, and writing down all our inside jokes. The second year, I brought Reena and Megan. My brother was a senior then, so he had quite a few friends with them. Naturally we tried to keep up with them and hang out with them. I remember an epic water fight with them that turned pretty painful. The third year, I brought my friend Staci. I actually don’t remember much from that trip, which is sort of fitting considering our friendship completely, fell apart shortly after that trip. But I remember going shopping one day and finding a Starbucks and we both screamed with joy. I remember how well she got along with my family, how easily she fit right in, and I do remember our long, LONG late night chats. We were really good to each other. What happened I’m still not sure, but I thank Staci for making my last trip to Ft. Walton a good, peaceful, and fun one. I guess I remember more than I thought. Amazing what your mind can do when you just let it be. I miss that place, I miss the family times and happiness it brought. I can’t think of it without thinking of each of my uncles, aunts, grandparents, and cousins whom I spent that week with. I think of my brother and sister and what fun we had annoying each other in the car. I hope, soon, that I can go back and pay it a visit. My special Ft. Walton. Our special Ft. Walton.

Pictured here is the El Matador, our condo place where we rented from. You can see the pool, white sand, palm trees, and grassy areas I was talking about. See the two buildings that are closest together? With just a sidewalk in between them? We were always in the building on the right, first floor, first room on the left. Grandma and Grandpa were right across the sidewalk, first floor, first room on the right.

And here, my friends, is a very short slideshow of my family and I at Ft. Walton. These are more for my own sake than my readers, but enjoy a little glimpse into my favorite vacation spot :) Click on the box below to open the video in a seperate window. Thanks.

I can see it in your eyes...

2011-04-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

I have this crazy weird obsession with eyes. In some regards, they terrify me. I have to look away when someone is scratching their eye, and it took me two hours to learn how to put in a contact. I won't put eye drops in, either. Just grosses me out.

But, one the complete opposite spectrum, they fascinate me. I know that sounds weird. Eyes are the absolute first thing that I notice about a person. I can get a glimpse of who they are, what they are feeling, by looking into their eyes. My kids at Cristo Rey used to be freaked out by this. I'd ask them if they were okay, they'd say no, why, and I'd respond I can tell by your eyes. Common response "dang Miss Carolin!". Sorry. I love how much eyes can tell you about a person or a situation...fear, happiness, sadness. They are incredibly descriptive. I have a notebook full of poems/song lyrics, and I'd say about 1/2 of them mention eyes. Brown eyes, green eyes, lying eyes, sad eyes, etc. I love that we all see the world differently through our eyes. I once heard someone say "let us walk this life with faith filled eyes". What a passionate, intuitive statement! I try to remember that every morning.

One more thing about eyes, and then I'll stop creeping everyone out. When I was a little girl, I had (Well, I suppose I still have them) HUGE eyes. Most of my childhood memories involve people saying stuff about my eyes. Whenever we went out in public, at least one person would stop us to say something about my eyes and how big they were. It terrified me, and I hated the attention. I was a really shy kid, so any interaction with strangers totally threw me for a loop. On my first day of preschool I cried and cried and cried. My mom asked me what was wrong, assuming I was just nervous or maybe not quite ready. My response? "I just don't want anyone to say anything about my eyes!". Yikes! People still comment on them, actually, but I don't cry anymore. :) My students at Cristo Rey were fascinated by my eyes. One of them even said she was going to take them out of my head and keep them in a jar. Creepy. Oh, and Kelly Clarkson told me that we had the same eyes.

To close, I will leave you with a song from Rent. I've heard a lot of Rentheads say that hate this song...that Roger could have come up with something better. Maybe so, but I think it's perfect.

A-Z Challenge...Detroit.

2011-04-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

I love this city. When I was in high school, a group of my friends and I did Habitat for Humanity during our Spring Break. We traveled to Beattyville, KY to help build houses and a church for the community. I remember that trip very clearly- not only for our service but for the laughs we shared together. Everyone down their asked us where we were from, it was pretty obvious we did not fit in. We quickly responded "Detroit". One of my friends, Mary, rolled her eyes. "THEY are not all from Detroit. I am". She was mad we didn't say we were from the suburbs. I never quite understood that. IS someone from Beattyville, KY going to know where Bloomfield Hills is located? Not likely. Detroit? Likely. I didn't understand why it mattered. Sure I didn't live in the city...but I had been there...for like...concerts and stuff. Plus I had friends that lived there. That counted, right? Wrong.

I would never fully understand what it meant to be a Detroit resident until I lived there for myself. For one year, I lived in Detroit (Trumbull and Michigan Ave) with three other roommates. We were doing a year of service through the Mercy Volunteer Corps and placed at different organizations around the city. I soon learned Detroit was about more than concert and sporting event venues. It was a city full (well...not exactly full, but you get my point) of people from thousands of different backgrounds, beliefs, stories. People who hated the city and wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, kids who were told they never would get out of there, and people despretly trying to make a difference. I saw working people, over-working people, homeless. I saw rich and very poor. I saw excited and I saw bitter. I saw victory and happiness and I saw defeat and heartbreak. But through all of that, I saw beauty. Yes, I think that Detroit is beautiful. Call me crazy, but until you see it for yourselves, until you truly live there and take in the experience of being a "detroiter", you have no idea what I mean.

Detroit is full of these little hidden treasures. Good Girls Go To Paris. Heidleburg Project. Campus Martius. Cafe Con Leche. The Burton. Little Bird. Amazing places, amazing people fronting these businesses, trying to breathe life back into a city that has suffered more than anyone could ever imagine. I have zillion "favorite places" in Detroit. I've met beautiful, anxious, inspring people working insanley hard every single day to deliver to the people. That's what makes Detroit beautiful...the hidden treasures. It's not hard to find something you like in Detroit.

I have been lucky enough to work with a large number of teens in Detroit. One thing they all have in common? They've been told they won't make it. Imagine that. Imagine your whole life hearing from a parent, or a different family member, a family friend, the news, a teacher, someone on the street..saying "hey. kid. you won't make it.". The cycle that turns into is a dangerous one, and we are seeing it now more than ever. But I've seen kids who have turned around and said "screw you. I will make it, and this is how." I have more belief in those kids than anything else. You can tell me I'm naive, but I tell you to go visit Cristo Rey High School, have a conversation with those kids, and PLEASE tell me that they won't make it in life. I dare you. Every single one of them has the potential. We have to work a little harder to make some of them realize it, but they will. They will get there, and they will play a huge role in turning this city around. I promise.

I cringe when I hear bad things about Detroit. I worry watching the news, fearing one of my kids has been hurt in a hideous crime. It's not a bad city. We've had horrible things happen, there are people who are so far past the point of desperation they are willing to go to any lengths to escape reality. Detroit will rise. We will make it.

Also, now that I am back living in the surrbs (I'm not a traitor. After a year of volunteering, I need to live with good ol mom and dad for a while), I do miss that city. I'd love to go back. But when I do, I want to bring people from these parts with me. I want them to see it for themselves, without going to a concert or a play or a Red Wings game. I want them to meet some of the people I did. Vist the museums, go to the grocery store and talk to the cashiers. LIVE IT. That is what it is going to take to bring this city back.

I love you, Detroit. Thank you for being so good to me. Take care of yourselves.

"A Concert Doesn't Just Last One Night"

2011-04-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

Those that know me may have expected my "c" post would be concerts. Those who don't? Hi. My name is Megan. and I am a concert junkie. And, I've had some crazy things happen to me at concerts. I've made best friends, I've passed out, I've been sung to from the stage, Gotten shoutouts from the stage, I've met famous people, and more. I know people who don't get concerts. They don't understand spending money to hear songs you can listen to in your own home on itunes. LEt me try to explain it as best I can. I consider myself a musically emotional person. I tag a song to every event in my life, big or small. Songs make me cry, make me angry, giddy, etc. I don't just listen to songs, I feel them. Usually, if you hear me say "I hate this song", it's the frustrated part of me saying "there is no way for me to connect to this song". I'm obsessed with lyrics and analyzing them. So, hearing those same songs live, by the artist or band I respect so much, puts me in a whole different world. I go to concerts to escape. Belly up to the barricade, sreaming out the words to my favorite songs, tears rolling down my cheeks. THAT is my shining moment. That's my bliss. I leave everything else behind and completly emerge myself into the songs, the stories, the music. I remember every concert I have been too, because each had a different meaning. Not to mention, the passion that the artists have on stage runs through my veins and deep into my gut. I've been to several concerts in my life...and below you will find a short list of what I believe what makes the BEST. CONCERT. EVER. (By the way, I say that after every concert).

-My familiarity with the band/artist. I usually don't see people I don't know of, but once in a while I'll catch a live show for someone I've never heard before, or only heard a couple songs. Those typically don't do much for me. However, once in a great while, I have really connected with one of those bands, gone home and researched, knowing every lyric to every song in 24 hours. (I'm looking at you, The Spill Canvas). Also, opening acts are usually hard for me. Sometimes I'm amazed, but most of the time I'm tapping my foot anxiously waiting for "my guy" or "my boys" or "my girl" to come out and do their thing. They win me over if I can hear solid lyrics and passion. That's how I discovered Lady Antebellum. They were opening for Martina, and though I had never heard of them (to be fair, no one had at that point. They had ONE SONG on their Myspace page. Their first album had not even dropped yet, first SINGLE hadn't even dropped yet). I remember very clearly saying to my friend Jess "they will be famous". Their passion for music and energy for the crowd combined with incredible harmonies and lyrics made me an instant, die hard fan. But, they are an exception. Usually, my favorite favorite concerts are when I can sing along to every single song...know the band members by name, know why their story.

The People I'm With. Again, there are exceptions. I have been to concerts by myself, with a huge group of people all supporting one person, with a few friends, with one friend. My go to concert buddy is Sam...because she is just as passionate about live music as I am, and will be my partner in crime. We dance, throw our hands up in the air, bounce around. She gets me, I get her, we get the music. Anytime Sam is with me, no matter who else joins us, it's going to be a good time. I also once went to see Melinda with 15-20 other backups, and that was just incredible. Sitting on that little stoop with some of her biggest fans, who had then become a family, watching our girl shine, was amazing. I think my cheeks hurt for weeks from smiling so much from that one. I will really never forget that. I've also been to concerts alone. Mostly Spill Canvas shows, but some others as well. I've typically still had a good time, but it's harder to dance and make a fool of yourself when you're alone. I think the only time I ever completely let go when I went to a show solo was Kelly Clarkson in October 2010. It did not matter that I was by myself because I was surrounded by hundreds of my best Kelly fans. I screamed out every word, I cried, I laughed. I grabbed the hand of the girl next to me when Kelly was singing Breakaway to me. Oh, plus I had met her that night, so that helps too :)

The Venue. Small venues are my thing. We've been serious for a while now. For real, though, I love small venues. It can be overcrowded (Hanson), sweaty, etc, but that's part of the concert experience. I've passed out at concerts before (Linkin Park), but nothing will take my love away from a small venue, especially if I'm close to the stage. Small venues are just intimate. You get to know the people around you REAL well. The artist interacts with the crowd more. I just love it.

So, my friends, those are my thoughts on concerts. A huge thank you to all the artists who have let me act a fool when I have seen you live. Especially to...

-The Spill Canvas. I cannot name all the dates I have seen them, but it is several. Their lyrics get me like no one else does, passion just kills me. I wish they would stop this hiatus nonsense and get back to making me the happiest girl alive.

- Melinda Doolittle. Your incredible voice matched with art of storytelling through song is truly a masterpiece and I feel lucky that I have seen it live. I miss the death out of you, but I am so proud of you.

-Jordin Sparks. You have given me some of my favorite concert memories. I always have a good time at your shows. One of my favorites? Watching the entire crowd at Royal Oak Music Theater sing back the words to "One Step A Time", and seeing the smile on your face.

-Kelly Clarkson, for having the most energy of any artist I have ever seen. I don't know how you do it but you manage to put me through an emotional roller coaster every time I see you. I'd like to scream the words to Since U Been Gone with you sometime again soon.

-Hanson, for your overwhelming passion for music, your fans, and life in general. You have huge hearts to match your beautiful vocals and lyrics.

PS: Speaking of amazing people and music, Mandisa's new album comes out tomorrow. I've been hearing the songs on her website and let me just say I think this may actually be her best album yet- which seems unreal because on each of her previous albums, I love EVER SINGLE SONG. So you should get it!

B-B-B-Best Friends

2011-04-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is brought to you by the letter B.

This one was a little harder for me. Books? Bruno Mars? Bono? book review? Backups,? bands? believe? blessed? bananas? beauty? beer? So many to choose from! I asked my mom, and her response was "best friends". Funny, since that was at the top of my list too. So, here you go.

Best Friends.

I'm blessed with some pretty badass best friends.They come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. I've known some of them most of my life, other just a few years. Each of them have been there for me in my celebrations and challenges, and have loved me and supported me no matter what. That's pretty amazing. My perspective of best friend has changed over the years. At a young age it was someone who I had the same interests with- boys, bands, etc. In hs it was a combination of that (theatre, campus ministry, sports), and the emotional connection. college? Well, my first few years of college I had a blinder of what a best friend was. The people I chose to be important in my life ended up doing more bad than good. But that turned around my junior year, when I met Sam. Now I'm a little more careful.

I've learned it's okay to be best friends with my family members. My siblings and siblings-in-law are some of my best friends. I enjoy them, get mad at them, they annoy me, I annoy them, but they still mean the world to me. My parents are my best friends (and roomates. Score).

I have a best friend named Christine who has known me since I was five. Our friendship has been easy. We are there for each other, we support each other, we hav a remarkable understanding for each other. I have a best friend named Dean who I have known for only a year and a 1/2, but, he knows more about me than a lot of other people in my life. Time doesn't matter.

I have a best friend who is younger than me (although I don't really think of it that way, because his maturity level is insane), and a best friend named Gem who is older than me. They both offer me advice, encourage me, motivate me, etc. Age doesn't matter.

I have several best friends who do not live nearby. It's sometimes hard to keep up with them, but it does not strain how I feel about them. The emotional connection is what matters. I pray for them, hope nothing but the best, and love hearing about their lives. Plus it makes it even more special when I do get to see them. Distance doesn't matter.

I guess what I'm saying is. Best friends should come naturally. The connection should be there, no matter what. Make up when you fight, don't leave it out there. Don't ever let things get so bad that you do not spak anymore. Friendships like that are too important to let go.

To every best friend I have had, if time/distance/age is our only excuse, forgive me. To the best friends I have right now, I love you, and thank you.

A to Z Challenge, Day 1.

2011-04-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

I'm entering the A-Z Challenge (details here- http://tossingitout.blogspot.com/2011/01/very-special-and-exciting-announcement.html?spref=bl). Basically, for each day in April, (with the exception of Sundays), you make a post about any topic of your choosing, in order of the alphabet. I'll probably throw in music and book reviews if they fit in appropriately.

Anchor. Most people think…

a heavy device dropped by a chain, cable, or rope to the bottom of a body of water for restraining the motion of avessel or other floating object.

Or, perhaps…
a person or thing that can be relied on for support, stability, or security; mainstay.

When I think Anchor, I think Delta Gamma, who adopted the anchor as the symbol for hope. I think pink and blue, bigs and littles, rush and frat parties, candles and initiation, I think “Anchored Always”.

To say being a member of DG Epsilon Rho was a rollercoaster is the understatement of the year. And you could say we were the opposite of an anchor, because we weren’t holding it together, but I would disagree. Yes, w had our faults. Yes, I’m still bitter and honestly, a little confused. But I’m also proud. Proud of the handful of us who fought with all of our might to keep us together. Those girls were my anchor, my hope. I love them, despite the fights and petty drama and heartbreak. I still doodle anchors on notebook and journals can spot them from miles away. By the time we closed, we were all so emotionally drained that none of us bothered to keep up an “alum chapter”. We felt defeated, there was no fight left. I knew I personally could not spend one more night crying about what could have been. It was time to put that in the past, for all of us. I wish we could have survived. I wish every member had been as enthusiastic about the chapter as some of us were. I wish people paid and showed up and got good grades. But they didn’t, and nothing could have changed that. People don’t understand that, but there was no way that we could have kept going. Call that pessimistic but until you have stepped foot in that house between 2005-2008, you have no idea. But it wasn't all hard times and drama. Some of my greatest college memories come from DG. Lik driving all night to Grand Rapids or getting stuck in Texas or, most importantly, finding my best friend Sam, and proudly declaring her as "my future bff" at a frat party. Turns out, I was right.

Unfortunately, most of us did not stay friends once we were closed. Everyone stuck to their cliques. I found my best friend in DG, which I will be forever grateful for.
I will always see an anchor and think Delta Gamma. I think hope, I’ll think fight (in more ways than one, ha). I’ll think of my big sister Megan and my little sister Lindsey. I’ll think of Greek Week, Recruitment, AnchorSplash, t-shirts in the basement, rec volleyball. I’ll think of Sam, Jess, Mary, Fitz, Lyndsey, Kerry, Afty (Who…I realized, as typing her name, I miss the #$%^ out of). Jordan, Rachel, Margo, All 20993 Ashley’s, Jen, Dana, Jeanette, Marisa, Betsy, Elise, LeDuc, Alyssa, Caitlin, Becky, Natasha, and everyone else. I hope they know…no matter what; I will always be here for them. We won’t ever be what we were before, but, in a way, that’s probably for the best. Cheesy? Yes. Truth? Absolutely. I have put the past behind me. Thanks, girls, for the laughs. Thank you for fighting.

Anchored Always.

my baby she wrote me a letter

2011-03-21T17:44:00.001-07:00

Well, it's quite obvious that my blog views depend on my self-pimping on Facebook and Twitter. Yikes. Hopefully people will find this.

Shari asked me to write more about my Lenten Letter Project. Well. It all started my senior year of college. I was in class one day, thinking about graduation and "fear of the unknown", which led to me thinking about all the people who helped me get through my four years of college. Financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically...you get it. So, I started writing letters. Handwritten thank you letters to people who I felt made a significant impact on my life during college. I think I wrote about 80 letters total. I wrote from everyone to my freshmen orientation leader to Melinda. From the friends from high school who I stayed in touch with to my sorority sisters I had lost touch with in those final years of college. It was an incredibly refreshing and liberating experience. Those letters were some of the most heartfelt writing I had ever done in my life. No editing, just straight out telling people how I felt, and thanking them for their support. The response was over whelming. I got the sweetest reply letters, thank you cards, etc. From then on, I made it a point to write handwritten notes and cards to people. I tried to do it for Lent last year, but I didn't make it past much further than a few of my co-workers at Cristo Rey. No doubt, they deserved to hear how much I loved them, but so did everyone else in my life.

So, this year, I sat down and wrote out a list of names of all the people whom I wanted to write too. It's long. Much longer than 40 names. It's not nearly 80, but enough that I have to do two a day for the first week or so. (You can do the math). Some of those people I talk too daily, others I rarely speak with. I just want them to know I love them and care about them, and that I am praying for them. I started just assigning dates to names. Once I look at the name of the person, I take out my journal and make bullet points of everything I want to say. Then I write the letter, and, again, it is straight from the heart. I've gotten a little teary with some of them already, because sometimes it is so hard to express to someone what they mean to me. Anyways, the response so far has again been outstanding. I've gotten texts, e-mails, a crying mommy (sorry mom), etc from people, thanking me for the letter. It is just further proof to me that it so so essential for us to express to one another how much we care.

So, I'm going to challenge everyone who reads this to write one letter. You don't have to write forty, you don't even have to write two. Just one. Handwritten. Tell someone you love them, what your relationship with them means to you. I promise you will get as much joy in the experience as the person receiving the letter. You may even get addicted ;-)

Here are some other things I've written these past two weeks. Not exactly my best, but, oh well.

“Jasmine”
This will seem pretty obvious to some of you, but this was written about one of my favorite students. It's pretty simple, but I got my point across. I love you, Jazzy!.

All her life she’s been told
She won’t make it out of here
That she’ll end up just another statistic
They tell her no one likes a kid from Detroit
But they’re wrong, so wrong
She’ll make it, she’ll fly
She’s got dreams of going to the moon
First she’s got to discover
Just how much she’s worth
She believes in the power of music
And keeps a journal for her thoughts
She’s seen too much and grown up too fast
But she’s got more strength than you could believe
And I know she’ll make it, she’ll fly
She’s got dreams of going to the moon
First she’s got to discover
Just how much she’s worth
She deserves a day without tears
And to let go of all her fears
I can’t wait for her to prove them wrong
She won’t get lost in the shuffle
She just needs someone to believe in her
Girl, believe in this
You’ll make it, You’ll fly

“never coming back”
It was only just now that I realized how much this is similar to Taylor Swift's "Back to December". Oops. This isn't about anyone in particular, it's just a common theme in my life that people tend to leave.

Don’t care until it’s too late,
Don’t care until you’re gone
And now you’re never coming back
Never coming back to me
I take the blame, this one’s on me
I could’ve had you back then
But I watched you walk away
I should have chased you
Cuz I knew you were never coming back
Never coming back to me
It’s all hitting me now
I’ll never look into those emerald eyes again
Oh how I wish I’d realized what I had
You were my everything, now you’re gone
And you said you’re never coming back
You’re never coming back to me
Why do I always do this?
I don’t care until it’s too late,
I don’t care until you’re gone
And now you’re never coming back
Never coming back to me
If I had one more chance
Just one more try to get it right
I promise you’d never want to leave
Oh, please come back to me

“The Boy In The Striped Shirt”

This is my favorite because of the way I wrote it. I had a ton of different phrases written down in my journal that I wanted to use for song lyrics. Rather than trying to come up with 6 different songs, I just mushed them all together, and this is what I got. I bolded the phrases that I had written down.

We were comfortable
That’s what you said the day you left
I’ve never known that to be negative
But I guess I got too close
I’m a lost cause without you
Weeping with the rain outside my window
Memories are chasing me out of sleep
And I have a drawer of lost things
I’ll put your picture there tonight
You know they warned me about you
They said watch for that boy
That boy in the striped shirt
He’s just the type to pack up and go
And he leaves a trail of destruction
But avoiding you was not that easy
I’ve never seen myself this weak
I’m a lost cause without you
Weeping with the rain outside my window
Memories are chasing me out of sleep
And I have a drawer of lost things
I’ll put your picture there tonight
I should have listened when they said
That boy in the striped shirt
His smile is a thorn to the heart
He’ll be gone by September
He’s just the type to pack up and go
Did anyone warn you about me
The girl in the
She falls fast, you see
And she’s just the type to stick around
So don’t you try to pack up and go
She’ll be a lost cause without you

this is my last chance

2011-03-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

Hi, friends! I hope everyone is doing well. It's only been a week since Lent began, and I miss Twitter already. I really don't miss facebook as much, but oooh do I miss twitter. It's been good, though. One less thing to worry about.

So, what have I been up to? Babysitting every morning from 6:30-7:45. (Yep, only a little bit each day, but hey, it's steady, and I know I'm getting a check for it every Friday). Picking up other random babysitting jobs (doing a couple overnight jobs in the beginning of April), volunteering at Cristo Rey, playing volleyball (championship game tonight! woo!) and applying for jobs. Well, really searching for jobs. I've sort of hit a wall with the applying. There just aren't that many anymore. Trust me, I look. I spend 3-4 hours every day searching, writing cover letters and sending out e-mails. I've started keeping a spreadsheet, so I can follow up better. From March 10th-today (I don't search on weekends), I've applied for fourteen jobs. Not one of them is in Michigan, but it's starting to look like I will have to move (if I get a job, ha). Unless, of course, I get accepted to Grad School. I should be hearing sometime in April or May, so please keep your fingers crossed. Oh, I also had a phone interview yesterday for a job in Detroit. I try not to get my hopes up anymore, though, so I'll just say- it was fine. They will get back to me in a few weeks.

But you know what? Overall, I'm pretty happy. Sad when I don't get a job, yes, frustrated, yes, but happy. Taken care of. My parents do a wonderful job of supporting me, comforting me, encouraging me. Most of my babysitting jobs have been through my mom, which I'm so grateful for. I've also just been enjoying (as cheesy as this sounds) getting to know them. I think most of us spend our whole lives trying to impress our parents or make them proud, and yes, I still want that desperately, but I'm so glad that I can actually form a friendship bond with them. Don't worry, they can still intimidate me, and tell me to clean my room, but living with them is so much more fun (no offense, mom and pops) than I imagined. They give me space but they are there for me.

I've also been able to see three of my best friends recently. My friend Sarah and I are in similar situations, she's back home, taking a few classes and trying to find a job. Not only is she one of the funniest, most understanding and honest friends I have, but we also share a love for Idol and Glee. I saw her twice last week and I'm sure that will continue, which makes me happy. On Monday I had lunch with my friend Christine, who I've known since I was five. Yep. Friends for 18 years. We're also on a similar journey, so it was nice to vent. Finally, I had dinner with Alex Monday night. It just made me so happy to see him and reminded me why we are best friends. I love that kid to death, and I'm so proud of him. He's doing a year of AVC at UofD, and loving it. I'm sure the feeling is mutual with his students :)

So, that's my life at the moment. Other random updates that no one cares about? Sure.

-What I'm Watching: Detroit 187, Glee and Idol, duh. 187 is such a good show, makes me sad that it probably won't get picked up. Last night's Glee episode was wonderful. The original songs were so much better in context, Mercedes got a kick-ass solo, and Klaine happened. Oh, and they actually mentioned Quinn's baby. Idol? I'm having a love affair with this season. Seriously. Thank goodness it is so much better than last year, and honestly, probably better than Season 8. I pretty much like everyone, but Casey and Jacob are my favorites. BUT, I will say Paul is becoming one of my favorites. His voice is very similar to a lot of the artists I listen too. Also watching Modern Family, always hilarious, and Greys which is back tomorrow night.

-What I'm Reading: Just finished I'd Know You Anyhwere by Laura Lippman. Loved it! Highly recommended. Page turner, mysterious, emotional. Now I'm reading Get Lucky by Katherine Center, which is good, and the writing is excellent, but I've read so many books too similar. Still good, though. While I read those, I'm reading God Loves Ugly by Christa Black, which is a self help book aimed at young girls, but I really think every woman should read it. It's a beautiful story that is allowing me to really examine myself. When I finish that, I'll start The Highly Sensitive Person, to continue to learn about myself :)

-What I'm Listening To: The CD's that are in constant rotation in my car are: 21, Adele (I listened to it for literally two weeks straight, without stopping once or switching to radio), Incredible Machine, Sugarland, and, most recently, the LIVE Cd of Melinda's Love 101, which is absolutely amazing. When I'm at home, you can usually find me listening to Nicki Minaj. Seriously. Whenever I sit down to apply for jobs, I put on Pink Friday. And that's...a lot. It's like I can't stop. I forget I even have other music on my Itunes, sometimes. Wow, that's creepy. Anyways, if I do stray away from Nicki, I'm usually on Pandora, on my Spill Canvas channel. Some of my favorite bands have been discovered from that station- Cartel and NeedToBreathe are two of my favorites right now.

Here, have one of my most recent obsessions.

Stop The Hate.

2011-03-09T19:52:00.001-08:00

Note:This may be the most important blog I have ever written. Please, please read this and share. I feel so strongly about this issue, and now that it has happened to someone I know, I am even more disgusted. My emotions definitely show in this post.

I'd like to introduce to you my friend Justin. Justin was one of my good friends in high school, and we have kept in some contact throughout college and after. Not as much as I would like, but I think of him often and check up on him on facebook. He is one of the sweetest, strongest guys I have ever known, always looking to make people feel welcome and enjoy themselves. On March 7th, Justin was the victim of a hate crime. I will let you listen to his story, and then share my thoughts.

Some of you may have seen it on facebook/twitter last night. I will warn you that it contains harsh language- use of the "f bomb" and gay slang terms. But, I encourage you to get past that and watch it anyways. This is a story that needs to be shared.

My initial reaction to seeing this and reading Justin's facebook status? Disgust. Heartbreak. I'm saddened enough by the amount of hate and bullying in this world, but to see it happen to one of my friends, in my city, is terrifying and disturbing. The hate needs to stop. How DARE one of us judge another person so harshly that we want them dead? This is not the way to live our lives. What good does hate do? Nothing. Hating someone does not make you better than them, it does not change any circumstances. Acting on it only makes you look worse, not strong. The fact that the witnesses just stood there and did nothing is equally disturbing. This was someones life at risk. It could have been any of us.

We need to stand against this. It is our duty as humans to look out for one another. We need to teach our children to love and accept others no matter the difference. What happened to Justin is not okay. It shouldn't happen, period. Not to anyone. How can we teach kids to love themselves, to accept who they are, when we have animals like the guy who attacked Justin running around threatening lives?

Please, stop the hate. I believe each of us can do something to put an end to this. Let us smile more, love more, be more grateful, open and forgiving. Be good examples.

I'm sorry that I cannot adequately put into words how I feel. I was so affected by Justin's story...no words can express how disgusted and disturbed I am that things like this are happening, and how passionate I am about putting it to an end. I hope that you will join me. I am going to try and do my part by eliminating the word hate from my vocabulary. It slips out, but the less I say it, the less I will feel it.

To Justin, thank you for sharing your story. I know it took strength and courage, two of the things I have always admired most about you. I hope that this will catch attention and give people a wake up call, force them to get up and do something about this. I love you, big bird :)

Love. That's all I can say. Just love.

Thank you.

Lent, 2011 Style

2011-03-07T18:42:00.000-08:00

This may sound kind of strange, but I always really look forward to Lent. The idea of sacrificing something to focus on spirituality and Jesus' love for us intrigues me. Last year was the most dedicated, intense Lenten season I've ever had. I gave up a number of things and spent much of my time in silent prayer. I honestly believe I succeeded so much because of the environment I was in. I was living with three very spiritual people my age who were excited and into Lent, I had the support of the Sister's of Mercy and several opportunities for Lenten reflections.

This time around, it's not quite the same. I'm living at home, babysitting when I can, and desperately trying to find a job. I spend most of my time on the computer, job searching, typing cover letters, writing blogs, and, yes, indulging in the fascination of social media. Facebook and Twitter are my outlets. Probably (and yes, this is sad) because I don't have much of a social life, I sort of rely on those to be my way of contacting others. I rant about American Idol and Glee, participate in silly tumblr challenges, etc. I totally have fun doing it, but during these next forty days I really want to spend my time focused on other things. Prayer, journaling, volunteering, reading, etc. I will still be spending a good amount of time on the computer as I will need to keep job hunting, but no social media for me. I may blog from time to time, tho.

It's not going to be easy. The temptation to check twitter and facebook will be there every minute. I'm hoping the experience will allow me to learn about myself. Last year I loved it- I felt so relieved...but as soon as Lent was over I fell right back into the "addiction". So, here is my 2011 Lenten Promise.

Giving Up
-Facebook and Twitter. See ya'll on Easter. If you need to get in contact with me, text me, call me, or e-mail me. Enjoy your Idol parties, Glee rants, inspirational quotes, song lyrics, etc. Also if something exciting happens in your life please tell me :)
-Fast food. I've already been sorta doing this anyways, but this is a no exception kinda thing now.
-Meat. Did this last year and it was much easier than I thought it would be.

Things I'll DO during Lent (all about doing something, not just sacrificing)
-Writing letters. Forty or more of you will get a letter from me, handwritten. Some of you may even get a mixed CD. If you're lucky ;-)
-Spend quiet time in prayer.
-Volunteer. Now is the time to do it, while I'm out of work. In between babysitting and tutoring at Cristo Rey, I'm going to find time to volunteer- hopefully as a mentor with BBBS, Boys and Girls Club, or something of that sort.

Alrighty- I have to head to bed. Happy Mardi Gras to all of you, and I hope you have a blessed, peaceful Lent. I will blog if inspiration comes to me, so keep checking :)

Love.

I Wonder...

2011-03-02T14:13:00.001-08:00

First of all, no, I have not heard from any potential jobs. Yes, I'm starting to stress out a little bit. They all said one-two weeks though, and it's been exaclty one. Plus, like I said, I am very grateful that I had interviews. Ijustreallyreallywantoneofthosejobs.

Anyways, today I am bringing, for your reading pleasure, a second edition of "Second Graders Say the Cutest Thing". A few months ago I posted an entry with some of the stories from my mom's kids. Ths time, their project was to write "I wonder"...they had to do one for who, why, when, where, what, if, and how. My mom picked her favorite from each student and made a book. Here are some of MY favorites.

I wonder if when you see a shooting star, your wish really comes true.

I wonder who tells the sun to go down and the moon to go up.

I wonder why we don't have hurricanes in Michigan when we are surrounded by lakes

I wonder if my cat went to Heaven when he died

I wonder when Jesus will return to Earth...

I wonder how come Ann Frank is so famous

I wonder if my dad has met Mrs. Carolin's parents in heaven (this one legit made me cry).

I wonder where Santa has test flights

I wonder when Santa will die

I wonder why stars are so bright

I wonder if everyone in our class will get married

I wonder why God gave us dreams

I wonder who made God

I wonder what God looks like

I wonder where stars go during the day

I wonder if God has a mother

I wonder if Santa is watching me still

I wonder where the homeless give birth (this AMAZED me that a 7 year old came up with this)

The imagination of children fascinates me. I've got a new temporary babysitting gig (been thankful to pick up a couple of these while I'm out of work) that has been going on for the past three weeks and ends next week. Anna is 5 and Owen is 3. They are precious and honest, loving and playful. They are constantly playing make believe, and the things they come up with astonish me. I am instantly reminded of my childhood, when I spent countless days at my friends house playing Barbies, paper dolls, office, school, Babysitters Club, etc. It saddens me that the innocence, the imagination, is gone. I still get ideas, I work well, but I can't "pretend" like they do. Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm too caught up on worrying about "grown up stuff" that I'm not allowing myself to imagine.

Hope you all have a blessed week.

pick me, choose me!

2011-02-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd blog about job interviews, since I just had a week full of them and I know SO many people are going through the same thing. Advice greatly appreciated.

I know an interview is better than no interview at all. So trust me when I say I am extremely grateful that I had three interviews for amazing positions this past week. It really gave me a boost of confidence, a much needed pick me up. I have no idea how they went...for me, job interviews pretty much go three different ways.

Complete with GIFS. Your welcome.

1.

Oh em gee! That was amazing! They totally LOVED me. I'm so perfect for this job. I'll get a second interview and then the job will be mine. I've got this in the bag. Oooh, how will I decorate my desk? OH! I should start looking at apartments! I can move out now! I have a REAL job.

That? Is called getting my hopes up too high. Overly confident. Then I receive a rejection phone call or letter, and I'm absolutely crushed.

2.

I think it went well. Maybe I said too much, though...or too little. Maybe I could have done this. I wonder what that look she gave me meant. Why did they ask me that? I have a headache

Paranoia. Over analyzing every move, figuring out what I could have done better. Constantly checking my phone/email.

3.

I am so unqualified. I bet other people were so much better. They don't like me. I'll never get a job.
Pessimistic. No confidence.

Really, all three are equally dangerous. I'm happy to report that after some heavy self-talk, I'm remaining pretty calm this time. I hope that sticks, because I'm pretty sure I'll be really upset if I don't get any of them...and then will go back to stressing. (I'm trying not to, I promise I am).

The most frustrating thing for me is this- I know I'm qualified for these jobs. I know I have a remarkable talent for relating to youth and helping them reach their goals. My past supervisors would (and have) back me up on that. I know that even though I can by shy, I am SO passionate about the work I do (or..am trying to do, ha) that it doesn't matter. I just wish I could SHOW this. It's hard to do that in an interview.

I'm trying to be positive, I really am. And compared to where I was a few years ago, I'm 90% more positive. I just hate this feeling of something being missing in my life. In the summer of 2009, I had this feeling that something big was going to be happening for me. I can't quite explain it, but every once in a while I would just have this overwhelming feeling of hope and pride. Then I did the year of MVC at Cristo Rey, and the feeling went away when that year was over. It really makes me think sometimes- was that it? Was that year my one shining moment? That can't be it, right?

I will just be so grateful when someone gives me a chance.

PS: Thank you for everyone who has been praying for me. Trust me, if it's good news, I will tell you. I will probably hire a helicopter to write in the sky "MEGAN GOT A JOB".

Letting Go

2011-02-17T20:22:00.000-08:00

Lately my mind has been jam packed with “what if’s”. What if I had chosen a different major? What if I had done another year of MVC? What if this, what if that. It doesn’t end well. I get upset with myself, paranoid about the decisions I have made in my life.

I can’t do that anymore. The past is the past, what’s done is done. All I can do is move forward. Sometimes I feel like I’m all out of luck, maybe 2008-2009 used all of it. But then I remember- I am 23. I hate this age, I am more frustrated than ever that no one is giving me a chance, but it’s not the end. I’m working on my patience. I’m working on accepting life as it is. I’m working on not breaking down every time I get a “no” from a job. I’m working on not taking it personally. Because until I have confidence in myself, no one else will.

I don’t know when I will find a job. Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe next year. Maybe I’ll be in grad school soon. What I do know is I won’t give up. I will keep chasing after my dreams, I will find a way.

I’m making the decision to stop waiting to live and start living. To stop needing something to make me happy and just be happy. I will stop doubting myself. I will stop looking for answers. Some people may be rolling their eyes right now, thinking I’m nuts. But you know what else I’m going to stop doing? Caring what people think.

It’s not going to be easy, this new experiment of mine. But if I work at it, if I make that my mission, I believe things will start to really happen for me. Don’t worry; I’m going to keep working hard for what I want, just differently. I’m going to drop the fear, and live in the moment. This is my life, and while it may not be the one I’ve dreamed of, I need to learn to embrace it and not focus on the negative.

I hope you find the strength to do the same.

This one time I did a 1/2 Marathon

2011-02-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Am I really back in Michigan? Is the 1/2 marathon really over? It can't be true. But, here I am. Back to the cold (except it's unusually warm here in MI at 45 degrees).

So. My trip. Well, this wouldn't be a TRUE "event recap" from me without a lot of details (probably more than you want to know). For the most part, it was pretty low key, so you shouldn't have to suffer through too much. EDIT- Ha. Just kidding, I guess. Prepare to read a novel.

It all started on Thursday-I left my house at 5:30 AM to catch my plane. I hate flying, plus I was nervous for the trip in general, so you can imagine my nerves. But, I was so exhausted from lack of sleep the night before; I passed out on the plane. I mean I fell asleep as soon as I got in my seat and did not wake up until I heard the pilot say we were beginning the descent into Nashville. When I did wake up, I forgot where I was! I had a minor freak out moment, thank God the plane was pretty empty and I had the whole row to myself. I had to get to my connecting flight, which was no trouble at all. This plane wasn't so empty- we were pretty packed in there-and no sleeping this time. I landed right on time, got my luggage, and waited anxiously for Babz and Holly. Babz came about 30 minutes after me, and Holly 30 minutes after Babz. SO good to see them again!!!!! Holly's brother came and picked us up to drive us to Holly's momma's house. The whole way I was smiling seeing all the palm trees! We got to Obby (nickname for Holly's mom)'s house, and she was right there by the door to greet us. Might I add that she is the CUTEST PERSON EVER. She'll be 89 in just a few weeks but so sharp, sweet, and a little spunky :) Oh just thinking about her I miss her already. Anyways. We were all really exhausted from a day of traveling, so we pretty much sat our bums on the couch, watching the news story about a 9 hour hostage situation, and didn't move except to go pick up a pizza from Pizza Hut. I was asleep by 9:10. :)

On Friday we all woke up pretty early, spent the morning chatting and watching the news. Then we dropped in on a ZUMBA class at the Jacksonville YMCA. Such a good idea! We had a blast. Our instructor was awesome, high energy. I loved that class! Great workout. After Zumba we went downtown for the marathon expo. We had to pick up our runner's packets, but we were also there to hear speakers and walk around all the booths. One of those speakers was Donna Deegan, who founded the race, she is a 3x breast cancer survivor and a news anchor for a local Jacksonville station. I am SO happy we heard her speak- so inspiring! She really made an impact on me, talking about changing your attitude and the mental in everything. After her talk we walked around the expo for a few hours and got TONS of free stuff-pens, bags, mints, etc. All pink, all in support of the cause :) I also bought a 13.1 sticker for my car- and thought gee whiz I hope I make it as I was paying for it! haha. After the expo and a stop at Burger King, we were back home. We tried to sit in the hot tub, but once we all got in the bubbles stopped! Poor Obby tried to help us out, none of us could figure it out. So we changed into pj's and sat to watch some TV. Well, Holly was determined to fix the hot tub- we went back outside, Holly discovered a little door on the hot tub, Babz found the switch, and voila- it worked. Obby was so proud of "her girls" for fixing it! That night, we stayed in for dinner- Obby made us an AMAZING salad (best I've ever had) and we had leftover pizza. We watched Miss Congeniality and headed to bed.

Saturday was a near perfect day. Obby, Holly, Babz, and I hung out in the morning, and then headed to pick up another backup, Sally, who lives in Jacksonville. What a sweetheart! The five of us headed to lunch, we each got a different salad and they were ALL amazing (at least, that's what I hear, haha). So good to meet Sally and chat with her! We dropped Obby and Sally off then the three of us headed to the beach. Boy did that feel nice. We walked along the pier, saw a pelican, and saw a guy catch a stingray- an exciting day, let me tell you. We also saw the signs for the marathon, so Babz and Holly explained to me that we had just seen the 2.5 miles we'd be walking on the beach during the 1/2 marathon. Yippee, haha. We walked around some of the shops, then headed back to the car and went to Starbucks (can't believe it took us that long to get to one!). The one we went to was OUTDOORS. So pretty! We sat there and chatted for a bit, and then made a stop at the grocery store to pick up a Valentine's Gift for Obby. We went for flowers, a balloon, and candy. When we walked into the door and handed them to her, her face just LIT UP. So adorable! That night we loaded up on our carbs- lasagna and garlic bread, plus more of Obby's amazing salad. We attempted to go to bed early, but when we did get to bed all of us got the nervous giggles. I could not stop laughing when Babz phone went off and lit up the room, so Holly said "what's that light? Up in the sky? I thought it was a message from God". We were so silly...and nervous! I could NOT fall asleep. I kept thinking about that beach, the big hill I had been warned about, what if what if what if. I eventually fell asleep at about 12. We were planning on waking up at 4:30, but by 4 we were up and getting dressed!

So, like I said, we were up at 4 am, out of the house a little before 5. It was a little chilly outside- only about 30 degrees. Now, coming from Michigan, I wasn't that cold- just scared. Holly, on the other hand, from Mississippi, was FREEZING. I felt so badly, because there was nothing we could for her. Poor little thing! Eventually, though, we lined up, ready for the start. By 7 am I was READY for this thing to just start! The energy was amazing though. Everyone was there to run for the same cause- finish breast cancer. That made it special. At 7:30, the gun went off, and so did we-kind of. It helped me that "Beautiful Day" by U2 was playing over the speaker- I knew Laurence was with me! But Babz and I felt like our feet weren't moving, from standing there for so long. I had told both of them to go on ahead of me, Holly would get a head of me but then stand back and wait- so sweet. It was fun to walk with her for the first four miles, especially up the bridge, which is by far the hardest part of the walk- but I also knew I had to come BACK to that bridge at the end! I also cried at one point during those first few miles- the first time a group of cheerleaders went crazy for me. Sadly, by about mile 4, I lost Holly. She had stopped to pet a dog, I stopped to take off my jacket and get water. I saw her a little ahead of me but knew I couldn't catch up, so I just kept my pace. I eventually saw her right as I got on the beach, she was taking a picture of some guys decked out in pink, cheering. But RIGHT after she took the picture, she was OFF! Go holly, Go! I was nervous about the few miles on the beach, but I ended up loving it- that is where I did most of my self talk and found inspiration! What a perfect place for it :) Not only was it beautiful, but they also had huge signs with words like HOPE, BELIEVE, LOVE, FINISH, etc. Loved the beach part! The sand was firm enough that it wasn't too difficult, and the breeze was perfect. It was when I got OFF the beach that I had problems- because of the uneven surface, I started feeling blisters- and it was only mile 7. I was in a LOT of pain from miles 7-9. I felt like needles were pushing through my feet. I stopped very briefly once or twice to stretch my foot, but I was afraid to stop for too long. At one point during at that two mile push, someone on the sidelines said to me "you're almost there". I could NOT help but yell back "don't lie to me!" Then another cheerleader offered me a beer- my response? "I'll die". Whew, those two miles were ROUGH. For a few seconds I thought I wasn't going to make it, quite honestly. But what pushed me through were all the cheerleaders on the side of the road. My bib had my name on it, so having them yell out "c’mon Megan!" pushed me. After a bathroom break at mile 9, I knew I could finish. So I kept on trucking-slowly. Soon I was going back up the curve- the death curve as I like to call it- the curve leading up to the HUGE Bridge. Remember how my blisters hurt more on uneven surfaces? Yeah. Try like...a mile of uneven surface, going uphill. Twas not fun. However, my saving grace was literally a few steps ahead. I had been following this girl the entire time, we were keeping a similar pace. So I sped up to catch up with her, put my hand on her back and said "we're going to do this thing". I'm 100% confident that Loren and I saved each other. She told me she was really struggling, even more than me probably because she was all alone. No one waiting for her at the finish line. So I told her I wouldn't leave her, we'd do it together. A few steps later, we look ahead and see the bridge. Poor Loren burst into tears. I just kept encouraging her, which was also helping me "we can do this, at the top is mile 12!". So we started the climb. Thank the dear Lord, there were a lot of cheerleaders along that bridge, all form sororities and fraternities- so they were EXTRA energetic. Like, in your face, throwing water kind of energetic. They put a huge smile on my face! There was also a little girl wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt- when I got to her I said "I love your shirt!" and showed her my iPod, which happened to be playing "fearless" (that's the ONLY song I recall from my walk, because I was so in the zone) she smiled and said "thanks! GOOD JOB! THANKS FOR WALKING!". Eventually, Loren and I made it to the top. At this point, people who had FINISHED were running back UP the hill to cheer people on. That's what I like to call insane :) But it did help, so thank you! Anyways- eventually Loren and I got down the hill, and were coming around the last curve. Someone yelled to us- after this curve you can see the finish line! Loren said "JESUS LORD THANK YOU" hahahha. And guess what? We turned, and there it was! Oh boy did I start walking faster! I turned to Loren to keep her going, and said I wanted to jog in. She told me to go for it, and as I took off, I heard her cheering for me :) I said a prayer in my head thanking God for that girl! I ran across the finish line, with tears in my eyes, and after grabbing a water bottle pretty much ran into Babz and Holly's arms. Then came the real perk- MY MEDAL! It was such a defining moment. I also heard someone yelling my name, looked up, and there's my cousin Bonny. I was so excited to see her, and so overwhelmed that she came out to support me. We decided to meet up with her back at the "family reunification" center. Well, that was a 1/4 of a mile away from the finish line! Cruel and unusual punishment, I tell ya! We eventually made it over there, and Bonny and her boyfriend graciously offered to drive us back to our car. It didn't work out, but they could drop us off RIGHT at our shuttle- so sweet of them. I am so glad I got to see her :)

The shuttle ride was ROUGH. Almost everyone was a runner, so a lot of hot and sweaty people. We got stuck in traffic, and lost. I almost lost it a few times. We eventually got dropped off, but had to walk (and by walk, I mean hobble) across TWO parking lots to get to our car. We had a blast in the car talking about our walk experience. Got back to Obby's house, where some of Holly's family was to greet us. So happy to meet them, they were all very sweet and friendly. The three of us must have been quite a sight, but they were just so nice. Obby made us bbq sandwiches and watermelon, yum. After everyone we left, we showered and got in pj's. We talked about going out for a nice dinner, steak and potatoes- but uh...didn't quite make it. Instead we had candlelight Steak N Shake Dinner. I was in bed by 8:30! All of us slept great. I woke up this morning to this conversation...

Holly "is you eating?"
Babz "no..."
Holly "I smell bacon. Maybe cuz I was dreaming of Beggin Strips".

If that doesn't put you in a giggly mood, I don't know what will. That was at 6:30 AM. We got plenty of sleep! This morning was pure hang out- watching the news, drinking coffee, etc. I honestly almost cried leaving Obby- she spoiled us rotten all weekend, plus she is literally the cutest person I've ever met. I adore her. Holly's brother dropped us off at the airport, and after we all checked in, I had to say goodbye to my girls. I had an absolutely amazing weekend with them and am SO grateful for them for inviting me, supporting me, pushing me along, etc. I will miss them- and the sunshine- and the palm trees- but not that bridge. ;)

So folks, I did it! It has been a LONG, LONG journey, and I cannot believe it's over. I had an amazing weekend, though. It was exactly what I needed. And trust me when I say this 1/2 marathon was just the beginning. It inspired me even more to get serious and healthy. I'm going to live my life a little differently, I think. After hearing Donna's story, seeing breast cancer survivors all along the course cheering me on, and finishing this thing. I've got this :)

If you read that, I'll give you a cookie. I love you all.

PS- Every few seconds, I think "Holy crap, I did a 1/2 marathon". I don't know when that will end.