Thursday, August 18, 2016

Quit Worrying


It's me.

Look, I'll be honest, I really have no idea what I'm about to write in this post. My blog posts have pretty much disappeared these days. A few days ago, the overwhelming feeling of wanting to write hit me. I got so excited! It's been so long since I've had that feeling! I thought I had so much to write about! I could tell you all about how much I've grown to love running, or all about living with Tom, or how amazing my job is, or that I have a new baby niece, or even how Trader Joes has become my second home. But then I sat down to actually write, and nothing really came out. Nothing, at least, that I wanted to publish.

And I know I've touched on this before....but after watching a video blog by Christian singer Jamie Grace, this thought struck me again: I'm not used to writing about being happy. If you've been following this blog for a while, you probably know that my best posts, and my best writing, come from places of pain. I've knocked out a few good gratitude/happiness posts before, but for the most part, my writing has been caused by an incident that hurt me, and writing is how I deal with it. Now that there's less pain in my life, I suppose that means there's less writing.

Notice I said LESS pain- not NO pain. Trust me, friends, there is still pain. I still have anxiety, I've just learned how to deal with it in a much healthier, productive way. I still struggle with self doubt, but I challenge myself.  I still consume with worry about my dad, but I take comfort in the fact that my family is my greatest strength and support. I still, despite how happy I am, get struck with this incredible sadness at times that seems nearly impossible to shake. But the difference is that instead of giving into it, instead of letting it control my life, I take a few days to slowly bring myself out of it.

Self doubt seems to be my biggest demon. I am constantly worried that I am not where I should be in life. Or that I am not a good enough friend, or sister, or daughter, or girlfriend fiancee.Or that I should lose more weight. Or that I should have run faster. It goes on and on and on. Most of the time, I'm able to shut those thoughts down. But sometimes they take over for days and days. Then, somehow, it breaks...until it starts again. It's a cycle.

But despite those feelings, despite the bad days, my life now compared to where it was 4-5 years ago is drastically different-and by different, I mean better.  And as it has gotten better, my writing has slowed down.

I am exactly where I want to be in my life. There's always room for improvement, and there's always goals to set, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm not trying to completely change who I am. I'm just trying to be the very best me that I can be. And when I have those periods of self doubt, that's what I tell myself. That I am doing the best I can.

Maybe I'll write more, maybe I won't. Maybe I will tell you about my Trader Joes obsession or about how much I loved Ghostbusters or how yoga has become a part of my weekly routine. Maybe I'll tell you all about how I'm getting married in just over a year. Maybe. I won't put the pressure on myself to write, but I won't stop myself from sharing the gleeful moments, either.

We'll just see what happens.

Ending with a song that has become my theme song. These ladies are a constant source of inspiration for me, and this song is no exception. I hope you enjoy.